They’re laughing, why aren’t you?
David Cameron has vented his frustration over the majority of the country not feeling the benefits of economic recovery. In a Cabinet Office meeting whose transcripts were subsequently leaked to The Evening Harold the Prime Minister ranted against what he perceives as “profound ingratitude from the masses.” Continue reading
Filed under Economy
Dear God please keep those shorts on
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics, Sex
Everyone stay still, her vision is based on movement
Following another incident in the South West the Tory party has finally admitted that it has been cloning Margaret Thatcher and other past members that it believes will appeal specifically to Ukip voters. Operation Enoch is believed to have been running for at least a year and be located on Lundy island twelve miles off the Devon coast.
Filed under Politics
Better days: Dave ‘n’ Nick setting up political home together in 2010
Dear Nick,
It’s May and election results are pouring in. To be honest they’re not looking that good for the Conservatives. Just like four years ago, hey? Except as the sun began to rise on that particular May morning I realised how attractive you were, you had that elusive ‘enough seats so I could be Prime Minister’ quality that no one else did which combined with your lack of shame and political convictions made you irresistible. Continue reading
Filed under Politics
After #bringbackourgirls being tweeted millions of times was such a success other world problems are now being solved by hashtags. Over 3 million tweets have been made with the #bringbackourgirls tag since the abduction of 200 schoolgirls in Nigeria, and this has showed Boko Haram that their conduct is not acceptable to a huge number of Facebook and Twitter users. Continue reading
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Filed under News
Yeah you and me we can ride on a star. If you stay with me Dave, we can rule the world. Yeah you and me we can light up the sky. If you stay by my side, we can rule the world…
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Filed under Entertainment
Not you, Dave. Not you.
Thumbs up for Stephen: https://www.justgiving.com/stephen-sutton-tct
No this isn’t Dave, but it’s a scary thought isn’t it?
A complicated fraud trial has been halted by a Judge because of cuts at the Ministry of Justice.
“To be strictly accurate, there is essentially one ‘Cut’ responsible.” said Alex Cameron QC, working free of charge on the application yesterday, “Chris Grayling, known as the ‘Unkindest Cut of all’ down at the Bailey. At least I think that’s what they call him.” Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics
Fall crucifix, fall!
A number of welfare recipients say they now realise Cameron really was doing God’s work with his brave programme of benefit cuts teaching them to be self-reliant and entrepreneurial.
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Filed under International News, Politics, Religion
Not handed to me on just any old plate. It was solid silver, half an inch thick and this big
Poor qualifications may mean British youngsters losing out on jobs, fears the Prime Minister.
“My own father was good at Maths and English” he said yesterday “He could add up money and read tax law, which meant I had the qualifications to get into Eton College, after which it was onwards and upwards. If I have one question for aspirational young people, looking for opportunities today, it is this – do your parents have pots of money?” Continue reading
Jellyfish: apparently the top 1% own more of the sea than the other 99% combined.
The jellyfish who yesterday stung David Cameron as he swam off Arrieta beach in Lanzarote has denied intentionally upsetting him. Continue reading
Filed under News
Or did he? Does this face say honesty and trust to you? We’re not sure.
There is consternation inside Number 10 today as Nigel Farage has finally proved his fitness to play a top flight role in British politics by fiddling his expenses (allegedly) and then adamantly denying that he’s done anything wrong. Continue reading
Filed under Politics
A younger, bearded David Cameron standing up to the bankers. Or it’s Jesus being tremendous, we forget which.
In a speech that had many wondering if it was somehow still April 1st David Cameron claimed that he is doing the Lord’s work. Something which Jesus strenuously denies.
In his speech Cameron said: “Jesus invented the Big Society 2,000 years ago. I just want to see more of it.” Continue reading
Who wouldn’t want this hair? Oh, everyone. Okay then.
Following in the rumoured to be freakishly small and girl-like footsteps of Kim Jong-un, Mayor of London and Womble-that’s-let-itself-go made flesh Boris Johnson has issued a proclamation stating that all men in the capital must henceforth have the same haircut as him.
Ukraine ‘never got letter from Gazprom about price increase’.
Ukraine has left angry messages on several utility comparison websites, complaining that the boxes for entering annual kilowatt hours for gas consumption are far too small.
“It was bad enough having to convert 55 billion cubic metres into kilowatt hours,” said Ukraine’s Energy Minister Yuriy Prodan, “then really annoying to find the box was too small for all the zeros.”
Uswitch and moneysupermarket.com have both replied to Ukraine, saying they are sorry the size of the boxes did not meet the customer’s expectations. “On the other hand,” said a spokesman for uSwitch, “we did point out that where it says ‘domestic usage’, the box is for a single household, not an entire sovereign nation recognised by international law.”
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Filed under Business, Economy, Europe, International News
A bunch of tossers: sometimes this stuff writes itself
In a gesture of goodwill the government has invited everyone to the House of Commons today for pancakes. However before making their way to Westminster people are being urged to read ministers’ statements about the pancakes in order to determine if they meet the criteria. Continue reading
SNP leader and pro-independence campaigner Alex Salmond reacted furiously to suggestions from Tory, Labour, and Lib-Dem leaders that Scots will no longer be able to hate the English if the Scots vote ‘yes’ to independence. This is a crucial issue as the ‘currency of hate’ of the English is considered the glue that binds Scottish people together.
“It’s blatant scaremongering – they are bluffing” thundered Salmond. “Even though we will no longer be able to hate the English because we are ruled by the Tory b*stards, we can hate them for plenty of other reasons. We can hate them for their crooked bankers, aggressive warmongering, and David Bowie. We can hate them for warm beer, bowler hats, and Alistair Carmichael. And we can still hate David Cameron for his slimy false promises and huge shiny forehead.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics
There were a few errors fibs in David Cameron’s welfare speech published today so the Evening Harold offers readers a corrected version.
David Cameron says he is giving unemployed Britons “new hope and responsibility” *snigger* by cutting benefit payments bank excesses and claims his welfare banking reforms are part of a “moral mission” for the country.
The Prime Minister’s comments were in response to Britain’s most senior Roman Catholic, the Most Rev Vincent Vince Nichols, who said recent changes had left many in “hunger and destitution” *well ship some gold panels over from the Vatican then Vince*.
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics
David Cameron off-duty: chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool.
Seekers of the truth are today convinced that they are on to something with David Cameron’s behaviour as he visits areas hit by flooding being taken by many as proof that he is in fact a giant lizard.
“He just looks too comfortable in that environment,” said Harold resident Adam Cassidy. “I’ve been watching all the footage of him striding about in his Wellington boots and black fleece then discussing it with my friends on wakeupsheeple.com. Look how Cameron doesn’t listen to anyone and can’t convey convincing emotion when people are showing him their devastated homes. I bet he was itching to cast off his disguise and swim freely with the flood water playing over his scales.” Continue reading
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