Dave ‘n’ his BFF: chock full o’feelings
As the UK was awarded its Specialist Snowflake in the Whole EU badge last night, David Cameron puzzled everyone by saying “I will be campaigning with all my heart and soul to persuade the British people to remain in the reformed EU that we have secured today” despite having spent every waking moment since 2010 proving that he possesses neither.
Comments Off on Confusion as PM with neither says he’ll put his “heart and soul” into staying in Europe
Filed under Europe
You there, just stop it. Pfft, this rehabilitation is a piece of piss
An array of prisoner rehabilitation schemes, that won’t actually happen, has been announced by David Cameron. These won’t begin later this year, in several poorly managed pilots.
“Evidence shows that carefully planned, targeted initiatives can reduce reoffending.” said the PM “Putting them into practice costs money though, so we’re just going to talk about them instead for publicity, which costs us nothing … this is my best side, thanks.”
“Think of this as the criminal justice system’s Northern Powerhouse or Troubled Families Programme; it will get lots of attention but won’t really exist. Continue reading
Comments Off on Prison suicide rates disappointingly low says Cameron “We can do much better.”
Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics
You there, do you really need those crutches?
David Cameron has stopped tens of thousands of disabled people getting Motability transport as it’s unfair to rich people like himself.
“Some of us rich people like hoovering up public funds for our own families. Others are fat but receive no help getting into our big cars and Motability savings could pay for a whole fleet of gut winches. Once they’ve been invented.”
Unfortunately my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice
A jubilant David Cameron waved a hard-fought for contract in the air yesterday proclaiming “It’s a piece of paper, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!”
The PM used a visit to UK-based but German-owned firm as a metaphor for the new EU relationship he has hammered out.
“Unfortunately, my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice but I can remember it almost word for word, Continue reading
Comments Off on Cameron: “It’s a piece of paper in our time!”
Filed under breaking news, Europe, News, Politics
Calm down dear. Then make me a cup of tea, there’s a good girl
David Cameron has shrugged off a Court of Appeal ruling that the so-called bedroom tax discriminates against so-called domestic violence victims.
The ruling followed legal challenges by a woman with a panic room in her home, but the DWP had argued that she ought to ‘stand up for herself and grow a pair’, adding that they might issue loans for abused women to learn martial arts and improve their employability.
Dave practices his Very Earnest face
Like his idol Churchill before him, David Cameron has launched his own version of Blitz spirit only in a modern twist he’ll be the one flattening thousands of people’s homes.
Many of the UK’s worst estates will be bulldozed, in his Blitz on poverty, creating more space for rich people.
Appearing on The Andrew Marr Show, the Prime Minister wore his Very Earnest face, answering questions so fluently one might almost imagine he’d sent them in to the BBC in advance. Continue reading
“You in the track suit bottoms, yes you. Vote conservative.”
David Cameron has confirmed that his Life Chances Strategy for tackling child poverty must focus on parenting skills and completely ignore the effects of his own policies.
“If we waste time finding why there’s half a million more children in poverty since I became Prime Minister,” Mr Cameron joked with journalists “we’d have precious few resources left to tackle the real issue, which is teaching your kids to vote conservative.”
Some rising damp
Stung by criticism of its housing and flood relief policies, the government has announced plans to kill two birds with one stone by building 13,000 new homes at the bottom of a large lake.
Outlining the idea, Prime Minister David Cameron explained that although it seemed initially counter-intuitive, the scheme would bring huge benefits through reducing uncertainty and bringing a “consistent environment where householders can plan ahead with confidence, without constant need for government bail-out.”
“In this unpredictable climate, people have no idea what to expect,” he argued. “Dry one day, wet the next – it’s all over the place. What we’re offering is a lifestyle where people really know where they stand. At the bottom of a lake.” Continue reading
“For political service”
David Cameron has been accused of ‘tainting’ the New Year’s Honours List, after it emerged that the majority of honours recipients are actually pigs who have ‘done favours’ for the Conservative Party.
It is traditional for the political party in power to reward those donors who have paid handsomely for the privilege, but the sheer scale of the pig count this year was a surprise to many. Of the 1196 names on the list, 874 were found on close inspection to be members of the pig family, including 68 wild boars and a warthog.
Most of these were knighted, but a sizeable contingent received OBEs, while the warthog was made a Dame.
It is believed that every single ennobled pig was connected romantically in some way with a Conservative minister, with the exception of ‘Wilbur’ from Charlotte’s Web, who was made a Lord on the strength of his charity work. Continue reading
David Cameron puts on his ‘North’ face
“I’d heard about it in Smiths’ songs, but never for one moment thought it was real. My moral compass only showed a ‘South’” explained the Prime Minister.
Continue reading
Comments Off on David Cameron discovers ‘North’
Filed under News
Respect your Prime Minister: don’t even think it.
Tory MPs working on their end of year constituency newsletter have been warned by Number 10 that any mention of pigs will result in their resignation. A leaked document from the Cabinet Office states “…our party and the Prime Minister have made headlines for many good reasons such as [fill in later] and [well, I don’t know, has anyone checked Wikipedia?] so there’s no need to mention anything outside of this. Especially outside in the farmyard.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Tory MPs who mention pigs in their round up of the year will be forced to resign
Filed under Politics
So sweet
Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.
A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.
Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black. “He’s very popular. I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”
The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.
Comments Off on Jeremy Corbyn launches singing career with sure-fire Christmas hit
Filed under Christmas, Entertainment, floods, Labour, Movies, music, Tory sex scandal, Vicars, Weather
“The US election? It’s just hair and circuses.”
David Cameron has spoken of his delight at Donald Trump doing for religious tolerance what he himself allegedly did to that pig, and making everyone forget how awful his own government is.
“It’s brilliant,” Cameron enthused. “All the UK press is concerned with is what someone who might one day be President of another country is saying and tweeting while me and my chums get busy having a lovely bombing and further undermining the NHS. There are no eyes on our ball. I am reminded of the famous saying ‘If Iain Duncan Smith declares war on the disabled and no one is watching, does he make a sound?'” Continue reading
Comments Off on PM delighted as Donald Trump distracts us all from Tory awfulness
Filed under Politics
Too close for comfort
Following the terrorist knife attack in Leytonstone, Prime Minister David Cameron has vowed to increase the number of Syrian bombing raids “until East London is safe again”.
Police were called to reports of people being attacked at Leytonstone around 19:00 on Saturday. The knifeman reportedly shouted “this is for Syria”. The police have not yet been able to work out what might have motivated the violence.
In a statement to the press, the Prime Minister explained: “This is exactly why we need to bomb Syria more often. What hope is there of stopping these terrible incidents at home unless we flatten a country far, far away?”
“By killing innocent civilians in our futile show of strength, we will doubtless cause these extremists in Britain to give up their fight.”
“We’ll probably gain lots of friends everywhere, too.”
Not this time, says Dave!
The government has explained that the decision to flatten Syria will not cause any of the disastrous problems usually associated with this sort of thing.
Anti-war campaigners, innocent Syrian people and other terrorist sympathisers had pleaded desperately that the inevitiable outcome of bombing would be a hellish nightmare on Earth, but these concerns have now been addressed directly by Prime Minister David Cameron. Continue reading
Excuse me while I let this off…
Prime Minister Cameron has sent all MPs back to their homes and constituencies this weekend with clear instructions to examine their own consciences about the exciting prospect of bombing the shit out of Syria.
“It’s diplomatic language,” explained a spokesman for Number Ten. “Most of the male members [of The Commons] haven’t got a clue how to think straight and reason with logic, especially if they try to fit it in while watching Match of the Day.
“Their wives, on the other hand, have very clear views, often expressed in a tone of voice that obviates the need for further discussion, while cooking dinner, sorting the laundry, helping the kids with their homework and planning the Christmas seating arrangements.”
“Hopefully,” he concluded, “they’ll all come back here on Monday morning, eager to toe the line, or risk hanging their members [their penises] out to dry for the foreseeable future.”
Comments Off on Syrian air strikes: MPs to examine their consciences; or ‘ask the wife’.
Filed under bombs, breaking news, Civil rights, Defence, Labour, Society, War
In a move hardly likely to leave Jihadist terrorist squads quaking in their suicide belts, David Cameron has put the tortoise-like Sir John Chilcot in charge of the rollout of the so called rapid deployment brigades which would be equipped to react immediately to Parisian style attacks.
Although Chilcot, whose report into the ill-fated Gallipoli campaign is keenly expected any day, was believed to be comatose, his press spokesman said that Sir John would be delighted at the news and would get things underway ‘as soon as possible’, but certainly within five years once he had been able to have a nice chat with Tony Blair. Continue reading
A UK citizen killed abroad is a tragedy. If they’re killed by their own government it’s an economic necessity
David Cameron says that flying UK citizens home from Egypt is a top priority as he much prefers it when they’re killed by his government and not Islamic fundamentalists.
“The decisions that I am taking are about putting the safety of British people first,” the Prime Minister said. “Until they’re back home and then Iain Duncan Smith can hunt them with dogs for all I care.” Continue reading
Comments Off on PM hurries holidaymakers home from Egypt so they can be killed by IDS instead of Isis
Filed under News
“Votes, lovely votes. I’ll count the votes in…”
David Cameron’s main concern about the Chilcot report delay is being unable to learn its lessons.
“I mean, I can’t actually see a problem in launching air attacks in Syria” mused the PM to close friends today “But without Chilcot, it’s just impossible to know what might go wrong.”
“Then there’s the plus side. To see RAF jets – not the Red Arrows, proper ones – in action… ‘I counted them all out and I counted them all back’… Continue reading
Just down the corridor you say?
Leading Tory MPs were shocked yesterday, by news that a second chamber of parliament exists, up some steps, round a corner and down the corridor from their own.
Chris Grayling, Leader of the House of Commons, said it was the first he’d heard of the House of Lords but he’d go round and punch some people’s lights out, as long as he can put a set of knuckle-dusters on expenses.
You must be logged in to post a comment.