Ham Fisted
The pig at the centre of the David Cameron scandal has broken her silence in an exclusive kiss and squeal interview.
Under the alias ‘Margaret’ she said that she wanted to get things straight, “Something Mr Cameron had no trouble doing in his student days”.
Filed under Badgers, breaking news, News, Politics, Sex, skeleton, Society, spam, Troubled Families
An inspiration to millions
A spectator who walked onto the track at the Singapore GP has been installed as the bookies’ favourite to win BBC Overseas Sports Personality of the Year.
The 27-year-old shot to prominence when he strolled along the side of the track during the race around Singapore’s street circuit, and is now just six points behind Jenson Button in the Drivers’ Championship. Continue reading
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When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross and delicious with eggs
A surprise entrant into the race to become the Republican Party’s nominee for President of the United States has thrashed rivals in the latest round of opinion polls despite being made of bacon.
The porky candidate, tire fortune heir Jeff Miller, has an angry white face, a cross and the IQ of catshit. An image that many potential voters are responding to with joy.
“Jeff’s my man,” Cyrus T. Cliché III told us. “Being made of bacon he ain’t no Muslamic. Plus he ain’t no woman neither.” Continue reading
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Cameron in happier times, poised to spring
After shocking revelations of bestiality again swept the government, David Cameron has insisted that the incident when he put his penis into the mouth of a dead pig was merely part of an explanation of his future plans for the UK.
The porcine molestation, which occurred at a dining club at Oxford University, has been seen by many as further proof that the Prime Minister is the sort of slimy lowlife who would literally fuck a pig, but a government spokesperson insisted the incident has been taken “out of context”.
“When the future PM inserted his ‘private organ’ into a dead pig’s mouth, he was only trying to demonstrate visually the beneficial effect of Conservative policies on the country,” the spokesperson explained. Continue reading
Does he simply not know what he’s saying due to the culture he was raised in?
Eminent scientist turned huffy, proselytizing sideshow, Richard Dawkins, has had his motives for taking to Twitter to heap shit on a fourteen year old boy questioned, with many believing that he knew exactly what he was doing and that it was a pre-meditated attack carried out purely for attention.
“Assembling a Twitter rant is fine. Making it look like it was done as part of some great crusade for truth and isn’t a famous 74 year old man picking on a boy is not fine. Which is true?” said the first villager we found in the Squirrel Lickers, Phil Evans. Continue reading
Toger in happier days, knocking one out at Augusta
Former world number one swinger Tiger Woods will not play around again this year after having emergency penis surgery.
The 39-year-old American, veteran of 14 major affairs, is hoping to return to playing the field in early 2016.
“This is certainly disappointing, but I’m a fighter,” Woods said in a statement on his website. “And a lover.”
The injury is believed to be due to a slightly misaligned shaft, possibly as a result of an overextended swing.
Doctors are confident that Woods will be back to his usual form in a few months, and sports manufacturers are already lining up to sponsor his equipment. It is likely that Toger will play at a members-only event at St. Andrews in May, where the infamous bunkers are certain to get his balls deep on the first hole.
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Kate’s hair stylishly located on her head
Kate’s hair is, in the classical tradition, stylishly located on her head.
The secret to having hair like Kate is to make sure you have hair on your head too. Simply look in a mirror at eye level, look up a bit, and if you see hair, you are in luck!
Don’t have a mirror? No problem! Put your finger between your eyes, raise it up a few inches, and if you feel something stringy, you have hair like Kate! If you feel something stringy, and then something scalpy, you have hair like William, ha, ha, ha!
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Left Twix or Righ Twix?
A relaxed and tanned Duchess of Cambridge has made her first solo official visit since the birth of Princess Charlotte in May.
Sporting a smart new fringe, the Duchess, 33, visited the Anna Freud Centre to learn how the charity is working to help young people with mental health issues.
“It really gave me something to think about, seeing someone so effortlessly beautiful Continue reading
Chinned and ginger, just like dad.
Prince Harry will not appear on the popular genealogy show ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’, a coroner for one of the producers has confirmed.
Despite being third in line for the throne, Harry Windsor has a noticeable jaw and some hair left. The BBC family tree programme will not be finding out why.
“We don’t think anyone’s that interested”, said a researcher through the telecom of their panic room. “That’s what the director said, just before he stabbed himself in the back.”
Advances in technology now allow a person’s DNA to be identified from a cheek swab in a matter of minutes.
Sadly, Prince Harry is incapable of producing saliva, revealed the widow of the show’s technical consultant.
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In a major scoop, newly elected Labour Leader, Jeremy Corbyn writes exclusively for the Evening Harold. This is mainly because we pretended we were from the Socialist Worker but that’s fine because we’re more working class than him so lying is acceptable.
Hello Comrades,
Well it’s been quite a week, but democracy has spoken and the revolution has started.
I’ve fulfilled my election promise by having more gels in my Executive Committee but I’m still hearing dissent from the rank and file because there aren’t enough gels in the top jobs. I’ve done my best by having a chap called Hilary shadowing the Foreign brief, but you can’t be too careful with gels. Until I get to know them how do I know one of them won’t turn out to be a Thatcher?
I’ve had to make a few changes to the Party structure already. I’ve dispensed with the services of all those spin doctors as we won’t be needing any of them anymore. Of course, it’s sad for the people concerned but the way I see it, that’s another 876 people added to the unemployment list showing that the vicious Tory policies are simply not working. Continue reading
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“One is the Champion”
By popular demand from Her Majesty’s subjects, we are commanded to provide a further gloved handful of facts about the Queen who is long reigning over us. These facts are just as true as the last set.
Fact! As an in-joke, the rock band Queen asked the actual Queen to sing backing vocals on one of their songs. After being smuggled into the band’s private recording studio at night, Her Majesty can be heard singing the “Are you gonna take me home tonight?” lines on “Fat Bottomed Girls“.
Fact! Prince Charles is so old that most people assume the Queen is his child, but it’s actually the other way round.
Fact! Her Majesty attributes her soft hands to her insistence that her maids always use Fairy Liquid when washing the Royal dishes. Continue reading
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Tricky… Tricky choice…
After realising that Jeremy Corbyn is the first politician since the dawn of time to not be a corrupt lying bastard, the hundred thousand Conservative supporters who paid £3 to vote for him have all decided he’s actually the best of a bad lot, and the’re going to stick around.
“I paid my money to vote Corbyn, thinking I was consigning Labour to electoral oblivion,” admitted Brian Refrew of Harold. “It all seemed to go really well, but having heard him talk just after reading an Iain Duncan Smith quote, I thought ‘fuck it, I’m on the wrong side’.”
Somewhat surprisingly, the Daily Telegraph, who ran a campaign to get readers to vote for Corbyn, has also come out in favour of the left-winger.
In a editorial entitled “Bugger us, it’s obvious now we think about it”, the paper has urged its readers to pay the extra money to become full Labour members, and has demanded better treatment of refugees “just because it’s the right thing to do, which surprises us as much as you, if we’re honest”.
Some smart-a*se will tell us it’s a chimp not a monkey but they have them at Monkey World.
The Gates family love backpacking in the far-east but recently returned from a long weekend in a Cumbrian cottage, where they never went further than the dustbin.
“The quantity and quality of the tourist attractions was amazing. If the brochures were anything to go by.” said Gill, manager of Lacrymans & Co estate agents in Harold.
“We spent Friday and Saturday sorting them into sunny day/rainy day piles and Sunday weeding out duplicates.” added husband Alex “There were no fewer than 147 separate tri-fold A4 pages on Bovington Tank Museum alone.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Holidays, Tourism, Travel
It might be cramped, but you can always pop your dog on the passenger seat.
Fans of the much-anticipated ‘Star Wars – The Force Awakens’ have reacted angrily to the Millennium Falcon being branded an Audi.
With spiralling costs and an increase in video piracy, Disney claim they were ‘forced’ to seek income from the dark side.
“Product placement has been criticised in the past, but Audi is a natural brand to complement the Star Wars product”, said Disney’s Bob Taeft. “They chose the Millennium Falcon because it’s grey, doesn’t have indicators, but can do the Kessel run on half a tank of unleaded.”
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It’s a tough choice – which would hurt more?
“As a Catholic, I usually prefer people to suffer for as long as possible.” said Iain Duncan Smith today
“On the other hand, every scrounger who does the decent thing and offs himself… well it’s one less begging mouth for us normals to feed, isn’t it?”
This might be Tobias Ellwood. Or some other buffoon. Who knows?
Tobias Ellwood says that having a £26.50 expenses debt written off by the parliamentary standards authority (IPSA) is only fair, given how much other money he has to worry about.
“Look, poor people are used to being careful with money.” Ellwood said “But someone like me, who’s always had stacks of the stuff, scraping by on a mere £90K a year is just awful.”
Friends say £90K might seem a lot of cash but when the costs of food, transport, rent/mortgage are factored in, he’ll only have £90K left.
Apple’s latest phone will quietly improve social media, by ‘neutralising’ anyone that attempts to record video in portrait mode.
Speaking at a launch where some people were still pointing their phones up while recording, Apple’s CEO Dave Jobs (check this) tutted and slowly shook his head.
“Have you morons never seen a TV?”, he asked, “Look, our phones and tablets even look like little tellies. That’s a clue, dummies: which way round is that 48-inch flatscreen in your house?”
Using a simple tilt sensor and two convenient electrodes, the iPhone 6S will efficiently ‘take out’ users who waste the edges on ‘You’ve Been Framed’.
“I love that show”, said Jobs(?), “But I want the kitten to fill the whole screen when it does something adorable. Not just a strip in the middle, you mindless, selfish a-hole.”
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Terrifying.
A drug that can treat bites from tigers and other big cats is still unavailable, doctors have warned.
Despite lacking venom, tigers and some of the spotty ones can still be a nuisance if they sink their teeth into a handy limb.
“It’s not just fur allergies that pose a risk to humans”, said Dr Evans. “The bite itself can cause some discomfort. Although that’s not to say it wouldn’t be prudent to take an antihistamine anyway.”
Following an attack, the victim isn’t always sure what type of cat they’ve fallen victim to, making the need for a universal treatment all the more necessary.
“If you do get bitten, try and pop the animal in a bag and bring it with you”, suggested Evans. “You might get lucky, it may not have been a biting cat at all.”
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A rare photo of Horace Ruffage (see Fact #2)
As the Queen finally passes Bobby Charlton’s long standing record, the Evening Harold is able to reveal five astounding facts about Her Majesty, all which are totally true.
Fact One: As befits a lady who is in her 90th year, Her Majesty has a terrible memory and is easily confused. Since watching The King’s Speech she has become convinced that her father was the spitting image of Colin Firth and that contemporary photos of the late King showing him looking like a cod were doctored to reflect the mood of the time. Her Royal Highness is unable to understand how her mother was able to star in the Harry Potter films. Continue reading
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Queen slurred the National Anthem, before sicking on a corgi.
The Queen has finally been subdued and arrested after a drunken rampage in Central London which left eyewitnesses both appalled at the carnage and impressed by how supple she is.
Her Majesty had been celebrating becoming the UK’s longest reigning monarch, beating Queen Victoria’s previous ‘scowl ‘n’ wave’ record of 63 yrs and 216 days by one day and counting.
Police were called to Buckingham Palace after tourists alerted them to ‘an elderly lady drenched in gin’. Continue reading
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