Albert Hall team announce discovery of Hitler’s other ball

Cbhitler

It’s a monster!

Following German historians’ discovery that Adolf Hitler did indeed only have one ball, a team of testiculologists at the Albert Hall have announced the surprise discovery of the other one.

German historian Peter Fleischmann recently found medical records confirming that Hitler suffered from “right-side cryptorchidism”, but it was some time before anyone realised that this actually meant the hilarious one-ball thing.

Although the fascist leader’s monotesticularity has long been a cause of speculation, leading historians urged against leaping to conclusions.

A. J. P. Taylor, author of Triumph and Testicles, the Origins of the Second World War, argued that the Albert Hall link was far from proven, saying:

“While popular belief has it that the deficient testicle must be found in the Albert Hall, many other equally plausible theories exist.”

“For example, one respectable school of thought maintains that the Albert Hall idea is a red herring, and that research should instead be carried out into the notion that ‘Goering had two but very small’.”

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£26 charge to pick up fallen pensioners ‘is proof mankind now living in hell’

devil-04 - Copy

You’ll never leave

The news that a local council in Essex is proposing to charge old people £26 to come round and pick them up after a fall is the final proof that mankind has now left the physical plane and entered hell, according to experts.

Scientists and theologians have been convinced for years that the much-prophesied end of the world actually happened last year without us realising it we are now all inhabiting the pits of hell.

The problem with this theory is that it has been very hard to prove, especially as things weren’t exactly great before.

Now, however, Tendring local council in Essex have decided to charge pensioners who are already paying for care an extra £26 if they fall over, and this is the clearest sign anyone could want that humans are now living a miserable cursed existence in the pits of hades.

A spokesperson for Tendring council confirmed that this was indeed the case, saying: “We have a responsibility to balance funding for all non-essential projects, and exist only to serve our Lord Satan, the great evil master.”

Most people were of the opinion that the Hell thing was no excuse for Tendring council’s behaviour.

“We might be consigned to Hades, being tormented for eternity by all his demons,” complained one, “But you’d still expect better standards than this.”

Others were generally relieved to have life’s great mystery explained to them. “We might all be in Hell now,” pointed out one of the damned, “But at least I finally feel like I understand the Daily Mail.”

 

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Filed under News, Religion, science

“Should UKIP’s leader be a UKIP MP?” asks UKIP’s MP

Farage-radio

invited onto every single, bloody politics programme

UKIP’s MP Douglas Carswell says it’s time his party had a fresh face as leader.

“I’ve no-one particularly in mind” said Mr Carswell “but wouldn’t it be sensible for it to be one of our MPs? Someone who commands the confidence of the whole parliamentary party and gives an optimistic message for the future?”

Party leader Nigel Farage says he is unperturbed by implied criticism of his leadership style and that anyone who would rat-out their party and defect to a one-song choir like UKIP Continue reading

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Grave fears for Daily Mail’s editor as twelve hours pass without Jeremy Corbyn smear

DacreDaily Mail editor Paul Dacre is missing, presumed dead, after no Jeremy Corbyn smears have been published for over 12 hours.

The absence of Corbyn smears for that length of time was very out of character for the Mail, according to police spokesman Edwin Wallis.
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Mourinho sacks Chelsea

image

I’m letting you go…

In a move which has seemed inevitable for some time, Chelsea Football Club were last night finally sacked by manager Jose Mourinho.

Chelsea have been struggling this season, but given their pedigree it still came as a shock to many to see them let go. However, in recent weeks, it seems that the dressing room had completely lost the goodwill of the manager, which could only lead to them moving on.

In what some are calling the coup of the century, it is believed that Manchester United are preparing an audacious bid for the unemployed Chelsea team, as they currently don’t have one.

Mourinho issued a brief statement, thanking Chelsea for their contribution since he returned as manager, “but results have not been good enough this season, and we believe it is in the interests of both parties to go our separate ways.”

“I wish to make clear that Chelsea leave me on good terms, and will always be welcome to visit me at my villa in the Algarve.”

It is understood that as part of the severance package, Mourinho will allow Chelsea to continue to pay him until the end of the season.

A few commentators have noticed that it is more usually the club which sacks the manager, rather than the other way round, suggesting that no matter how special Mourinho might be, he will have trouble winning games without any players.

Others pointed out that it will be highly enjoyable to see the former Chelsea boss standing on the touchline alone, angrily blaming referees as the other team scores goal after goal completed unopposed.

In other words, business as usual, was the general opinion.
* Thanks to Alan Usher for the Man Utd line!

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Filed under News, Sport, Troubled Families

“Fracking heist!” Thieves to tunnel in and escape with the loot

fracking300300

FRACKING HELL!

A gang, known simply as The Government, is planning an audacious fracking heist, it emerged today.

The gang were heard briefly discussing the matter in Westminster but when challenged to a debate, they ran away laughing.

Friends of the gang will tunnel into shale gas reserves, hidden under areas of outstanding natural beauty, then make off with wheely bins full of cash.

Fracking is a complex process where the ruling party uses high-pressure economic strategies to squeeze every last penny out of the country and into their friends’ pockets.

A gang member, Dave, sought to put things in perspective. “Critics claim that this process often causes collapse of society. But, as we know, there is no such thing as society. Anyway, it will make my rich friends even more rich. I do hope that clears up any misunderstanding.”

The Goverment won’t take part in the raid itself, although individual members are expected to receive a cut of the loot later, in the form of lucrative company directorships and consultancies.

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Filed under environment, News, Politics, science, Technology

Chaos at office after colleague brings in camel for ‘Secret Santa’

Camel-Santa - Copy

Bah, Humpbug!

An office worker was facing disciplinary action today after the act of bring a fully-wrapped camel into work for the “Secret Santa”.

In unprecedented scenes, the camel managed to burst out of its wrapping before even half the presents had been opened, ate most of the other gifts and bit the head of Human Resources on the leg.

Brian Renfrew, a business analyst for a shipping company in the UK town of Harold, explained to our reporter that he had not originally intended to purchase the camel.

“I was in the pub last night when I suddenly remembered the office Secret Santa was first thing this morning,” he explained miserably. “I thought I was stuck, then I got into a chat with this bloke at the bar who said he had a camel.”

“I’d had a few drinks, you see.”

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Filed under Christmas, Pets

Tory MPs who mention pigs in their round up of the year will be forced to resign

B8okPMTCUAAArOV

Respect your Prime Minister: don’t even think it.

Tory MPs working on their end of year constituency newsletter have been warned by Number 10 that any mention of pigs will result in their resignation. A leaked document from the Cabinet Office states “…our party and the Prime Minister have made headlines for many good reasons such as [fill in later] and [well, I don’t know, has anyone checked Wikipedia?] so there’s no need to mention anything outside of this. Especially outside in the farmyard.” Continue reading

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Filed under Politics

Reader Gift: Your very own Star Wars hype-free zone

It’s everywhere but not here. Enjoy.

And who gives a rat’s arse whether the Force is with you or not?  Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment

Thatcher’s estate to auction ‘that Tank’

thatchertank

On the lookout for an Argie, or an Arthur

A Challenger Tank once driven by Margaret Thatcher, is to be sold in aid of orphans Carol and ‘Sir’ Mark Thatcher.

Chuffed by the sale of a red ministerial box for £242,500, the family are keen to sell some other things that taxpayers thought they’d paid for.

The dusty Battle Tank, ‘found’ in a mews lock-up near her last home, with its keys still in the ignition, will shortly go under the hammer, as will Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Dismay as new Star Wars movie turns out to be musical

sound-of-music-tour

These aren’t the brown paper packages tied up with string you’re looking for…

Movie-goers were left disgusted today after the long-awaited new Star Wars movie turned out to be, in fact, a musical.

This news story could go on to cleverly explain how this disaster could have come about, but we all know that what we’re really here for is the list of songs.

So (gulp) here we go, then:

“Send in the Clones”
“Han’s up, baby, Han’s up!”
“Don’t cry for me, Grand Moff Tarkin”
“Summer Jedi Knights”
“Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Golden Metal Slave Bikini!”
“Don’t Luke back in anger”
“Ewok Around the Clock”
“Yoda one that I want”
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Filed under Movies, News

Britain First dismiss Shaker Aamer’s rebuke to terrorists: “Ten years too late”.

aamersmall

Howdy

Shaker Aamerhas has told extremists to “get the hell out” of the UK and denounced Islamist attacks, but Britain First dismissed this as ‘bollocks’, calling for him to swear loyalty to the Queen, the United Kingdom and the Church of England.

Aamer had been held in captivity for 14 years, in the US government’s fight against people who, if given half a chance, would strip US citizens of their right to a fair trial.

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Town plunged into darkness after solar panel craze

black

Harold, midday today. Mayor Jackson on the left.

The English town of Harold was plunged into utter blackness today after a smooth-talking salesman persuaded the majority of inhabitants to install solar panels.

Over in the US, the wise residents of Woodland, North Carolina recently banned solar panels for this very reason, arguing that their proliferation would suck all the energy out of the sun and bring the world into constant night.

Unfortunately for the simple people of Harold, this simple scientific principle is not widely-understood in the UK, leading to a nightmare scenario where nothing grows and vampires stalk the streets.

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Filed under News, science, Weather

Embarrassment as thumbscrews found in Tony Blair’s hand luggage

thumbscrewFormer Prime Minister Tony Blair has been embarrassed by the discovery of a fully-functional set of thumbscrews in his hand luggage for a flight to the US, it emerged today.

Already facing criticism for his role in enabling the torture of British citizens in Guantanamo Bay, the discovery could not have come at a worse time for Blair.

It has recently been discovered that Blair and former Foreign Minister Jack Straw instructed our embassies to send British citizens to Guantanamo, even after knowing about US torture there.

These revelations have been damaging, but no-one expected Blair to be playing such an active role in the actual torturing.

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“Net curtains are my first priority”: Tim Peake looking forward to Britishing up the International Space Station

383024-space

He’ll also be taking his protein pills and putting his helmet on

The first Britain in space since Margaret Thatcher was thing, Tim Peake, will be blasted from the Baikonur Cosmodrome tomorrow on a mission to ensure that some corner of a low Earth orbit field is forever a little bit bobbins.

“As the only Brit up there it will be my responsibility to fly the flag,” he said. “A crap plastic flag I’ll shove in my colleagues’ faces during Euro 2016 until England fail to make it out of the group stage and then I’ll just drop it somewhere because what’s more British than mindless littering?” Continue reading

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Family hospitalised as infectious yawn loop takes hold during ‘Les Miserables’.

yawning-childThe Nolan family from Harold are recovering in Dunstable General Infirmary today after a quiet evening in front of the telly almost turned to tragedy. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Dr. Evans' Casebook, Health, idiots, Medicine, News

Famer regrets shutting stable door after horse bolts

stable-door

The sight that met Lucy when she returned home

Harold’s well-known organic farmer, Ted Evans regrets locking up his stable last Friday , after his horse was startled by an oddly-shaped carrot and galloped off, in what seemed to be a bid for free-range status.

“It were wicked cold on Friday night, well below minus 10 in fact.” says Evans “When I let the dogs out the next morning, I found old Lucy frozen solid to the concrete, just inches away from her heated stall. I could even see faint hoofy scratch marks on the stable door and her little nose was still stuck to the handle.”   Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Farming, News

Sports Direct staff now ‘forced to build pyramid’

ashley_pyramid

Diamond Giza?

Concerns are growing over the conditions facing Sports Direct employees after it emerged that most of them are now spending 12-hour days slaving over the construction of pyramids under the harsh desert sun.

The company has long had a reputation for poor treatment of staff, with zero-hours contracts, below minimum-pay wages and frequent beatings, but this is thought to be the first time that workers have actually been roped to huge blocks of stone and whipped until they dragged them huge distances on crude rollers.

The company controls a wide variety of famous brands, including Dunlop and Slazenger, but never before has it diversified into enormous burial sites.

“My child had to stay at school when he was sick,” complained one anonymous worker, “because we’re not allowed mobile phones at work, so the teachers couldn’t contact me. Also, I was chained to a thousand other slaves, slowing dragging a hundred-ton block of limestone.”

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Filed under News, Shopping

Jeremy Corbyn launches singing career with sure-fire Christmas hit

So sweet

So sweet

Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.

A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.

Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black.  “He’s very popular.  I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”

The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.

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Filed under Christmas, Entertainment, floods, Labour, Movies, music, Tory sex scandal, Vicars, Weather

Austerity: Osborne cuts 12 days of Christmas to 3 keeps partridge for himself

The Gidders who stole Christmas

George Osborne has today announced severe cuts to the twelve days of Christmas saying that the nation can no longer afford them and that in any case he and his chums are keeping the best ones for themselves.

“Let’s be realistic about this,” he said. “There is no place in today’s economy for shirkers who go about dancing and putting various types of bird in the post. There is really only one acceptable day for the masses as maids who milk are working hard and contributing to the nation’s coffers. I will also allow professional pipers to pipe and drummers to drum as long as they declare in full any income derived from these activities and aren’t part of some pathetically wet set-up that relies on an Arts Council grant.” Continue reading

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