OK, not the best picture but this way we’ve (probably) got the right chap
“It was bad enough when that awful little man Gove was in charge” says Melinda Tilley, the councillor running education in the PMs Witney constituency, who is a tad grumpy about plans to academise state schools. “But this new woman is planning to sell off our schools. And we’re true blue.”
Tilley insists “This is not why I became a Conservative, I became a Conservative so I could tell poor people what to do.”
Matthew Doyle (artist’s impression)
The government and Buckingham Palace have announced that in what is believed to be an historical first, capital punishment will be reinstated for a single day, solely so that the monumental tosser who boasted of “Confronting” a Muslim woman about Brussels can be beheaded, or perhaps face a firing squad.
Matthew Doyle, an illiterate partner at a south London-based talent and PR agency, tweeted yesterday: “I confronted a Muslim women [sic] yesterday in croydon. I asked her to explain Brussels. She said “Nothing to do with me” a mealy mouthed reply.”
In a statement read out in parliament, Queen Elizabeth explained the reasons for this unprecedented move.
“Frankly, he’s an arsehole,” explained Her Majesty. “We mean, there are lots of arseholes out there, but this guy is just the most stupid, 500 carat gold-plated arsehole one has ever met.”
“Can I get a rifle too?”
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Filed under idiots, News, Social media
Apparently one of these once saw an apple
After researchers discovered that a typical child’s smoothie contains eight tons of sugar, the food industry has reacted swiftly, claiming that sugar, being originally from some kind of plant, should count towards your healthy 5 a day.
Children’s fruit drinks usually have packaging featuring cartoon animals and slogans like “WILL NOT MAKE YOU FAT”, and many parents believe these are healthier than other drinks like cola, lemonade or sherry.
However, food scientists have discovered that many of these beverages are actually just bottles full of dry sugar painted orange, and the health benefits may therefore have been exaggerated.
Gavin Behemoth of the British Soft Drinks Association insisted that the ‘drinks’ were actually healthy:
“Sugar is a plant, like lettuce. And after a dab of paint, it’s the same colour. What more proof do you need? I’ve personally been drinking these delicious beverages for years, and look at me. 38 stone, terminal diabetes, and both my legs have dropped off.”
Fwends
MPs yesterday beheld a miracle as George Osborne refused to apologise for his budget balls-up with such arrogance he made Iain Duncan Smith seem like Jesus in his compassion and morality.
“No apology needed,” Osborne barked. “My budget looks after those who need protecting most i.e wealthy Tory pensioners. So what if it was an attack on the disabled. You say disabled, I say not pulling your socks up, and in some cases going so far as to claim you can’t put your socks on, and getting out to work.” Continue reading
Is there something worrying lurking beneath something worrying?
“UKIP claims their members are one in purpose” says Newsnight’s Emily Maitlis “but it beggars belief that they all think the same on a matter as important as the EU referendum”.
A BBC Newsnight investigation, to be screened on Wednesday, reveals a likely conspiracy amongst leading members of UKIP. While other parties allow their parliamentary party free rein to support the “In” and “Out” campaigns according to their conscience, Maitlis notes that “UKIPs MP remains suspiciously unanimous in his support for leaving the EU”. Continue reading
Popcorn sales have soared as the British public sit back in their armchairs to watch the Tories tear each other apart, hopefully literally.
“It’s great entertainment, think ‘the Hunger Games’, but for older, fat people” beamed life-long socialist and Harold Café owner Pippa Delaney. “And there’s no petty backstabbing, they’re all going straight for each other’s hearts – good luck if they can find one!”
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How could the ref miss this handball?
Mr Lawson said he didn’t want to diminish England’s triumph, but by his count the referee and his linesmen missed over 100 handballs, with players often blatantly throwing the ball to each other before finally kicking the ball. Add in the penalties that soared over the crossbar, and it was clear England had the rub of the refereeing green.
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Filed under Sport
Iain Duncan Smith resigned as Work and Pensions Secretary because his preferred option of boiling pensioners down to soap was rejected, it can be revealed.
Panicked voters who initially thought Mr Duncan Smith had developed a social conscience were relieved to find it was all a simple misunderstanding, and it was just that Mr Duncan Smith disliked old people even more than he disliked disabled people.
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A little tighter, sir?
Nike says its new ‘HyperAdapt sports sneaker’ uses malnourished Asian ragamuffins to tie the shoe laces of clinically obese western-Europeans.
A spokesperson for the famously ethical shoe-maker explained: “Each pair of shoes has its own pair of Vietnamese orphans, velcroed to their superstructure. For the style-conscious wearer, our deluxe range uses matching identical twins.”
These graphs mean we know what we’re talking about
We don’t have the technical capability for fancy graphics and menus and stuff like that, so in order to explain what the new budget means for you we can’t have you clicking through options.
But we have found another way to achieve the same end result.
Think whether you are married, have children, own a business, all of those type of things that ‘proper’ news sources like the BBC would ask you. Get a really clear idea in your head of your particular circumstances, then read the below statement that will miraculously confirm exactly what the budget means for you. Continue reading
Playgrounds provide ample parking
The government revealed today that the next phase in its education policy is for all state-owned schools to converted as quickly as possible into nice apartments for rich people.
“This country has a fine school tradition,” explained chancellor George Osborne, “With some magnificent old buildings, many with high ceilings and lots of original features. With fewer children and better furniture we could be looking at some really good news for our friends’ building companies.”
“Renovation, renovation, renovation, that’s our motto.”
Family home and granny flat
As Tory millionaires with at least two homes each gleefully reduce council house stock and preside over a housing market more out of control than Kim Jong-un at a cheeseboard, more and more people are setting up home inside whales.
“It’s embarrassing,” nurse Toni Morris told us. “I’m thirty and been working full time since uni but there’s no way I can get on the housing ladder. I never thought I’d find myself ‘doing a Jonah’ but here I am.” Continue reading
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Filed under Housing
Confidence in driverless cars has soared after Google’s self-driving car chased a cyclist for three miles while unleashing a torrent of abuse and spraying the cyclist with water.
According to eye witnesses in Palo Alto, the incident started when a middle-aged cyclist with an enormous sense of entitlement jumped the traffic lights causing the Google self-driving car to slam on its brakes to avoid a collision. The cyclist then laughed, gave the Google car the finger, and sped off. But it is what happened next that made observers realise driverless cars really were here to stay.
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Filed under Crime, Technology
SOME DRIVERS LOST CONTROL WHILST AVOIDING STROLLING CHEWERS
Retired Colonel, Richard Blimp has called for a ban on people smoking fags and chewing gum near the Cenotaph.
“The first memorial was erected for a peace parade a hundred years ago” he said “but we’ve managed to wrestle it back for the jingo.”
Blimp believes that soldiers who died in war would be appalled by people enjoying the freedom they gave their lives for and peacefully wandering past the Cenotaph whilst idly smoking, chewing gum, or listening to the Chris Evans breakfast show.
“AGH! DON’T SHOOT. ME SURRENDER!”
Top US bungletwunt, Donald Trump has promised to have a protester-proof security wall built in time for his next campaign rally.
“I’m going to make the protestors build it, yeah!” Trump smugged, noddingly. Responding to suggestions that this might prove difficult to arrange, he said “You know what? The wall just got ten foot higher! Yeah?”
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Filed under International News, Politics, USA
‘Project Fear’ turns to ‘Project Pure Terror’
For many Brexit fans, ‘Project Fear’ has now become ‘Project Pure Terror’.
“Shit’s just got real” said local headmaster Clive Morris. “A Cameron nude selfie might not break the internet, but it would certainly leave it rather soiled.”
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“… I must just splutter, look bemused, and tousle my hair for a bit”
Ego-warrior Boris Johnson has reversed a ban on his Mayor of London staff opposing Brexit, which appeared to reveal him as a massive hypocrite. He also offered his sincere apologies to anyone who’d foolishly thought him a man of unimpeachable integrity.
“As soon as I knew I’d been rumbled Continue reading
Are you thinking what he’s thinking? Shame on you!
Low-paid workers are celebrating the UK Chancellor’s decision not to end tax relief on pension contributions.
“I was sick with worry, about it,” said Carly Jeffery, a Teaching Assistant from the English village of Harold “so this is a great weight off my mind.”
“Say that again and I’ll punch your lights out. I used to be world heavyweight boxing champion”
A well-known Pot, usually found lying to and threatening the vulnerable, has complained that some Kettles campaigning to remain in the EU, are using dishonest, bullying tactics.
The one-time ‘Quiet Pot’ is thought to be such an expert on spin that it wouldn’t recognise the truth; even if it was scrubbed, primped, and wearing a satin evening-gown, with the words ‘The Truth’ sewed on front and back in flashing sequins.
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Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News
Still a less weird Brexit supporter than Farage
Monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and keen Hollyoaks fan, Cthulhu, has declared its support for the UK leaving the European Union.
“I think it will be easier to rise from the stone city of R’lyeh and usher in an era of madness that will destroy humans’ minds along with civilisation itself when the UK is unable to so easily sign European players to the Premiership and the cost of flights has increased slightly,” it said. Continue reading
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Filed under Europe
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