Everyone: “Just stop it, all of you.”
Senior politicians from all parties have demanded that politicians from other parties stop playing politics in the run up to the General Election.
At Prime Ministers question time today, Theresa May told the House that calling the election was essential as “too many Westminster MP’s had deliberately made political points about the details of Brexit”.
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At some races, Alonso has resorted to hailing a cab
With Fernando Alonso complaining last weekend that he’s never raced with less power, McLaren are to swap their Honda engines for pedal power, coupled to a Shimano 16-speed gearset.
“We’re keeping the energy recovery battery set-up though,” said McLaren test driver Jenson Button “as that’s always given more power than Honda’s engine ever did.”
The semi-retired former world champion explained that his high-profile winter triathlon training was in fact a ruse, Continue reading
Do you take Tesco Clubcard points?
Harold’s fattest man says losing his wages to an algorithm is pretty much the same as living the dream of casinos, fast cars, and Vodka Martinis; whatever they are.
Billy Mckean, star of the harrowing documentary ‘Help, my liver’s the size of a dog’, says that his ‘undercover job’ as a Tesco Express security guard gives him insight into the superficially different worlds of a criminal mastermind breaking the bank at Casino de Monte Carlo and Darren, from Continue reading
You think he’d more of a Dementor person really
Donald Trump has released a list of demands to be met when he arrives in the UK in October with the chief among them being that he gets to ride a hippogriff and land with it on the roof of Buckingham Palace. Continue reading
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Kelvin MacKenzie, what’s not to like?
The thing you trod in but can’t scrape off your boots however hard you try in human form, Kelvin MacKenzie, has applied the Sun’s equal op’s policy and compared Everton’s Ross Barclay, who has Nigerian heritage, to a gorilla at a zoo.
MacKenzie had been worried that there might yet be some in the city of Liverpool who he hadn’t offended by printing a series of lies about the Hillsborough disaster.
“You know, idiots or those who are both blind and deaf. Maybe someone with severe dementia or in a persistent vegetative Continue reading
Tale as old as time…but she’s no Emma Watson
High profile cases like that of Carol Bowditch, the Lincolnshire pensioner who was filmed having sex with several dogs at a bestiality party, unaware that she had done anything wrong, show that work needs to be done to ensure that others don’t unwittingly fall foul of the law by going too far with their pets, a Home Office spokesman explained.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Advertisments, Dating, Farming, Golden Showers, News, Pets, Police, Society
“So?”
With the far left Melenchon running neck and neck with the far right Le Pen in the polls, France is left with only one method to choose between them. A shrugging competition.
Points will be awarded for excessive shrugging postures accompanied by exaggerated facial expressions and nasal honking noises in a live display by the two candidates.
Melenchon is thought to have the edge when it comes to holding a shrug for an extended period, while Le Pen’s strength lies more in the broad variety of styles in her shrugging arsenal. Continue reading
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has thanked a United Airlines security squad who stepped in after he became unable to stop declaring that Adolf Hitler did not use chemical weapons during World War Two.
“I just couldn’t stop saying outrageous things, digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole. My brain could hear the words coming out of my mouth, but it was powerless to stop the flow, so I can only thank these airline thugs for stepping in when they did and dragging me away from the lectern.”
In the hastily arranged press conference to handle Hitler-comparison-gate Spicer also expressed his gratitude for the bloody nose they gave him. “I didn’t ask them to hit me in the face, but these guys knew in that split second that it was what I needed most. Good work, men, and God bless America. ”
But Spicer may have stirred fresh controversy by going on to praise the United Airlines team’s ability to follow orders as “more committed than even the most diligent SS guards”
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Golden Showers, International News, News, Trump, USA
This Southern train appears to be in motion, must be a fake photograph
This is the Southern rail crossing the border,
Bringing Charles the cheque and the postal order,
Money for him, nothing for the poor
commuters who stand pressed ‘gainst the toilet door…
Shareholder thanks, letters from banks,
Isn’t Charles a talented boy?
Stacks of cash and invitations
To accept a knighthood or with the PM libations,
Shred the breach of safety situations, Continue reading
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He is a golden god walking amongst us mere mortals
The country is more chillaxed than David Cameron on a Florida beach this morning as it has collectively decided to ignore reality and worship a very clever Canadian chap.
“Oooh Monkmania!” enthused local fan of things Jane Hough. “I just love him! The way he presses that buzzer and then answers correctly again and again and again. I’ll be on Twitter for hours tonight talking about him. Why? Have you seen the news from, well, everywhere? I’m not dealing with any of that heaving sack of bobbins, environmental disaster and hypocrisy until I have to.” Continue reading
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There’s a big demand for these chops so you can have one at half-price
Well-known free market critic, the Daily Mail, has called on the government to cap the cost of BBQs in warm weather.
Inspired by the story of Jon Platt, who rejects the laws of supply and demand when they increase his holiday costs, the Mail is expanding its campaign for discount-price holidays during peak periods, to include other seasonal goods and services.
“Retailers ‘somehow’ manage to sell a Weber Genesis E330 BBQ for £700 in January” whined Sarah Vine, who used to be a journalist, “but barely three months later, the sun comes out and they’re all ‘It’s £1,599 take it or leave it’. It must be Jeremy Corbyn’s Continue reading
Promising ‘no income tax, no VAT’ and touting his ability to speak most European languages, Del Boy Trotter, AKA David Jason, says he and sidekick Rodney are the men to negotiate a Brexit trade deal.
“Low tariffs, how bout no tariffs for a bonnet de douche deal?” said Jason. Britain will be the envy of this immortal curl. This time next year, we’ll all be millionaires!”
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Neil Hamilton is just as honest as he looks
Former Tory, liar and bankrupt, Neil Hamilton, has accused Mark Reckless of being untrustworthy, in the latest round of Abandon SinkingShip-gate.
The disgraced former MP, who left the Tories and is now UKIP leader in Wales, proving that the biggest turds float to the top, has criticised Reckless for leaving UKIP and aligning himself with the Tories.
Reckless had “betrayed the trust” of UKIP supporters said Hamilton, without a trace of irony, or even a knowing wink Continue reading
“This reminds me of a story about Hitler”
Following widespread condemnation of its controversial new advert, Pepsi has bowed to pressure and replaced the ad with one featuring Ken Livingstone.
The cancelled ad featured Kendall Jenner at a protest, and offended many by suggesting that the problem of police brutality could be solved by attractive models waving cans of fizzy drink.
The video has been removed from YouTube and in a statement, the company said: “Pepsi was trying to project a global a message of unity, peace and understanding.”
“Clearly, we missed the mark, and that’s why we’re going to replace it with two minutes of Ken Livingstone talking about Hitler.”
“He’s going to imply that Germany’s Jews and Hitler were on the same side in the 30s, while sipping a refreshing ice-cold Pepsi Max.”
“You can’t get much more unity, peace and understanding than Ken Livingstone, and for payment all he wanted was a WWII German infantry helmet filled with newts.”
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[Hold it in, you can do it … no use … too strong … aagh] “HITLER”
Offered the chance to talk about Brexit, Arsene Wenger’s future at Arsenal, and the Cadburygate scandal, the loveable newt-botherer elected to keep on digging his way downwards, out of the hole in which he’d found himself. Continue reading
EU citizens in the UK, British citizens living abroad, and now Gibraltar.
The list of things that are ‘not on the table’ and ‘will not be used as bargaining chips’ grows ever longer. But sources close to the government have revealed that we might end up bargaining with actual chips!
UK negotiators could bring parcels of our piping hot, newspaper-wrapped national dish and offer chips, a battered sausage, or even a bite of fishcake in exchange for “the best possible deal for the United Kingdom”.
Access to free market…fancy a chip, Angela?
Access to health services for Brits…batter scraps, Monsieur?
However, UK negotiators could snatch away the bargaining chips at the last minute and eat them all by themselves, warn sources, and the EU team would just have to lump it.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Brexit, Food, Health, Hoildays, International News, News, Politics, referendum
Only *something* of the night?
Former Tory leader, Lord Howard has made the world just a little darker (again), by referencing the Falklands war when discussing Gibraltar, but he’s certain the Spanish won’t be offended at all.
“No, it’s fine, trust me. It won’t mean anything to Spain, as they’ve no links to Argentina.” said Howard “Apart from a shared heritage and culture. Oh, and the language, Spanish is it?”
“Most Spaniards won’t have even heard of the Falklands,” Continue reading
There were red faces and some ‘lolz’ up and down Harold High Street when it emerged that many readers had been taken in by one of our April fool stories – but did you spot it?
Residents awoke to a straight-faced article on the business pages of our off-line version that explained how Mexican regulators had given the go ahead for the Industrial and Commercial Bank of China (ICBC) to take a ‘significant’ share of the local operations of Grupo Financiero Banorte, S.A.B. de C.V., (Banorte), one of the big four Mexican commercial banks.
But the joke was on them, because nothing of the sort had happened, and it appears many readers believed the story, answering “yes” when asked if they believed the story.
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Policies no longer written in indelible ink.
The government’s latest policy U turn, on testing kids who struggle to fasten their shirt buttons, has come as a shock to teachers, who thought it was all going swimmingly.
“Sats are great” affirmed Harold teaching assistant, Carly Jeffery “they don’t cause stress for schools, staff, children or parents, so I’m wary of dropping them without evidence. But clearly the DfE knows what it’s doing.” Continue reading
Normally charges for autographs, invoice to follow
Donald Trump today held a “historic press conference” as he signed an executive order reversing Barrack Obama’s Verizon cellphone contract set up in October 2016.
Addressing the US media Trump said that Obama’s contract was hugely expensive and accused the former president of using his cellphone to listen to telephone communications of many US leading figures, until it was pointed out by CNN that this was how telephones usually work. Continue reading
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