Category Archives: Uncategorized

No children involved in church sex scandal: Bishop is “shocked to the core”

St Charles Borromeo, Patron Saint of bishops. Comfort for Bishop McNamee potential pub quiz winning knowledge for you

St. Charles Borromeo, Patron Saint of bishops. Comfort for Bishop McNamee; potential pub quiz winning knowledge for you

The Roman Catholic Bishop of Dunstable has issued ‘a sincere apology’ after recent reports of priestly sexual rummaging. “We have to put our hands up over this truly awful behaviour,” said Bishop Stanislaus McNamee, admitting the church is still struggling to come to terms with news that a local priest has been in a consensual, heterosexual relationship with an unmarried woman from another parish.

The woman has made no complaint and the matter only came to light after the couple were seen spending time together on various activities, including charity work, bird-watching and having a pint of ale at the Squirrel Lickers Arms. McNamee is particularly upset that couple have broken no criminal statute.

“That can’t be right, can it? Why isn’t there a law about this? Clearly we’ll have to have a full enquiry, leaving no stone unturned. However, as things stand – and I know this will be shocking to many in church leadership – it seems their sexual congress routinely involved the use of a penis, a vagina and a condom.” Continue reading

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Stars come out for village Wasp Festival

waspchild

A bait child practices being attractive to wasps

With just two days to go until the Annual Harold Wasp Festival, organizers are dusting off their tennis racquets and polishing their jam traps.

And thanks to a winter breeding programme in the loft of the local pub, their are hopes that this year could break the 1976 record.

“Back then, we took our seasonal wasp genocide for granted”, explained legendary ‘wasp whisperer’ John Horse. “We downed more than 1,200 of the little buggers  before Saturday lunchtime. Barely a bee was bruised but the jaspers were littering the streets. I’ve still got my commemorative rolled-up programme.”
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Picture special: Archbishop denies conflict of interest at Churches first credit union meeting

Welby thought it best not to bring his ceremonial crook, or Earl as he is known

Welby thought it best not to bring his ceremonial crook, or Earl as he is known

As you would expect, the meeting of the Churches first credit union meeting in Harold created a huge amount of interest.

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by | July 26, 2013 · 1:36 pm

Harold leads on Archbishop’s Credit Union push

lunchy

No such thing as a non-deductable lunch

Villagers are celebrating the first green shoots of a local economic recovery, with Harold’s Save & Prosper (HS&P) being discharged from ‘financial convalescence’ on 1st August, well ahead of poorly managed national money-pits like Lloyds & RBS.

“George Osborne would do well to take a leaf out of Harold’s book”, said Rev Tansy Forster, “we’re even one step ahead of Archbishop Welby on community financing initiatives.”

In line with the Archbishop’s new stance on money lenders suddenly being ‘a good thing’, the Credit Union will make affordable money available to anyone who wants it. “Although in line with a more general church policy, that will exclude women, homosexuals and people who have had credit before”, said Forster.

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Filed under Business, Crime, Economy, Uncategorized

Royal baby boy is born: Duchess of Cambridge gives birth amid doping allegations.

Kate may be stripped of the 'Royal Heir Makers' yellow jersey

Kate may be stripped of the ‘Royal Heir Makers’ yellow jersey

Buckingham Palace have confirmed that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby boy. However, the validity of her labour, and subsequently the baby’s claim to be third in line to the throne have been called into question after initial indications show Kate has failed a doping test.

“We are still waiting for the results from a ‘B’ sample to come back from the lab, but we are sure she gave birth under the influence of pain killers, nitrous oxide and other ‘performance enhancing drugs’” a spokesman for the World Anti-Doping Agency told reporters.

“If the tests are confirmed, she will be stripped of the royal heir makers yellow jersey and receive a world-wide four-year ban from producing babies for any other royal family.”

The news comes just after Chris Froome became the record-breaking second successive clean winner of the Tour De France.

Kensington Palace has denied all claims of doping during the birth and promised to appeal any ban handed down from WADA.

“We are as shocked as anyone else at this result, and promise to conduct a full, internal investigation” the royal gynaecologist told us.

“We are sure she has not willingly taken any substance, but are looking into the possibility a cup of Earl Grey consumed during labour may either have been contaminated with diamorphine, or inadvertently given her an epidural.”

The Palace’s denial of deliberate doping may be questionable as witnesses in the Lindo wing say they heard a female voice scream “Stop prancing round in that f***ing pilot’s uniform and get me some f***ing drugs, NOW.”

In line with drug cheat tradition, we are expecting an easel with the very important announcement of an interview booking to be placed outside Oprah Winfrey’s house.

Royal baby named George. See Wills’ new tattoo…

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Tech-savvy toddlers ‘falling over themselves’ for BBC’s 3D-eebies

cbeebies 3d copyBritain’s toddlers and babies are making a beeline for the latest ‘must have’ home entertainment craze, following successful trials of the BBC’s new 3D children’s channel.

3D-eebies is available through Freeview, and promises to revolutionise the way children gawp at brightly coloured idiots. But some parents claim that a fully immersive world with undue focus on rainbows could create yet another generation of teenagers who are bored by reality. Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Technology, Uncategorized

Not to be outdone by Wimbledon, Silverstone prepares for rain for F1 Grand Prix by closing their roof

silverstone entrance copy

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by | June 28, 2013 · 12:00 pm

Crock of Gold was a Crock of Disappointment.

Lula-Belle is currently on vacation in the Maldives.

Lula-Belle is currently on vacation in the Maldives.

After the death of local businessman Brendon McDonald in March of this year, many villagers assumed that his estate would bequeath the bulk of Mr McDonald’s wealth to his son and daughter-in-law, but details of his will published today tell a very different story.

In his will, Mr McDonald repeatedly refers to his daughter-in-law of 36 years as ‘A gold digging tart’, who, he claimed, ‘only married my feckless, gullible son for his future wealth’. Close friends of McDonald confirm that he died unshaken in his belief that his son’s wife was little more than a cheap floozie who had nothing better to do in life that wait for her husband’s inheritance.

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Haroldhenge: A Mecca for Hippies.

Stonehenge wastelandResidents of the village have opened their arms, if not nostrils, to a swathe of visitors who have descended on the village.

With Harold’s own Stonehenge finally completed, hundreds of Druids, Pagans, New Age travelers and followers of alternative lifestyles have flocked to the village in recent days.

Druids of Harold spokesman Gwinfor Trevelliss is delighted that the authentically transported and built replica was completed in time for the celebration of Summer Solstice.

Gwinfor explained that the Solstice was probably the single most important festival in the Pagan calendar, and that its origins are rooted in ancient times. Continue reading

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Local council to use potholes to ease graveyard overcrowding

pothole grave With the number of available graveyard plots critically low, and the amount of potholes raising, a local council in the village of Harold have decided to cure the two problems with one easy solution. Any body looking to have a funeral at a reduced rate can choose to be buried in a pothole.

“This idea solves so many problems” Councillor Ronsson told us, “Graveyard don’t fill up, potholes get filled in, and the remaining family aren’t left having to find the money for a proper funeral.
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Confusion at G8 summit as leaders misheard question to describe an ‘international bust-up’

international Bus stopIf you like it, we’d love you to share it!

 

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by | June 18, 2013 · 5:51 pm

An appeal on behalf of ‘Mick Clarkson’s Cars’

Please could any villager who is planning on buying a new car in the near future consider purchasing from Harold’s local car dealer, ‘Mick Clarkson’s Cars’. As you can see from this photo, his once brand new stock is beginning to look a bit ‘dated’.

A quick use of Deed Poll means you could have a personalised number plate.

A quick use of Deed Poll means you could have a personalised number plate.

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BREAKING NEWS: Following the success of judges seen drinking Pepsi on American Idol, X-Factor judges may be financed by Coke.

EHBreaking

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One year on: Olympic sponsors celebrate a successful legacy

track copyNearly a year after the London Olympics, the Games’ main sponsors have been reflecting on the success they have achieved and celebrating the “legacy”. McDonald’s, Visa, Deloitte and ATOS have all seen improvements in major key performance legacy indicators such as obesity, personal debt, company administrations and savings in disability benefits.

Sebastian Coe, Chairman of the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games (LOCOG) has praised the companies in their efforts to make sure the impact of their support of the Games did not waver. Continue reading

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A ‘Divine’ New Look

Vegetable

Vegetable

Hello my darling Haroldites!!

Now, I know you’re all used to Pippa popping up on a Monday to brighten your post-weekend blues, and that a Thursday offering may just discombobulate you all, but I have some wonderful, wonderful news to share with you all.

Some of you may recall that just the other week, I gave an interview to one of my fellow Evening Harold reporters following the release of Dan Brown’s book about the divine Dante and the installation in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! of a fabulous red cup, which we hope, will bring famous men to the village to look at.

Well, as a result of that I decided that a little bit of a remodel and makeover of Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! would be rather fitting, and hopefully create some intellectual stimulus for our patrons.

It may have come to your attention while you’ve been blatantly avoiding walking past visiting my lovely little café that some subtle changes have been gradually taking place, and that Dom, Melanie and myself have been working hard into the night after we close to customers.  (Simon did offer to help with the painting, but as talented as darling Simon is, I don’t think his particular artistry is entirely appropriate.)

floor copy

 

Well, tomorrow all will be unveiled in our little café, but for now I’ll give you just a little sneak peek!

(I do so hope the Rev. Tansy doesn’t disapprove of yet another sodding thing!)

Pippa X 

 

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help_for_heroes_0 www.helpforheroes.org.uk

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Alpha males masculinity threatened by woman telling them their masculinity is under threat

a freshly exfoliated and moisturised Barry Johns (pictured) denies men are losing masculinity

A freshly exfoliated and moisturised Barry Johns (pictured) denies men are losing masculinity

Men in the UK have today reached a crisis point after it took a woman to point out to them their masculinity is under threat. The revelation was made by Labour MP, and woman, Diane Abbott in a speech, that as shadow health minister, would have been given by a man 30 years ago.

Alpha males up and down the country are now questioning their masculinity following Ms Abbott’s words and are also trying to understand why they hadn’t discovered it’s demise before a woman to come to that conclusion. There have even been cases of confused men watching more Jeremy Kyle than Jeremy Clarkson for the first time since ‘Top Gear’ began. Continue reading

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Google tax avoidance search

'Searching' for the truth.

‘Searching’ for the truth.

Just doing a bit of research into the hearing of the common select committee on tax avoidance, and got this.

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by | May 18, 2013 · 10:00 am

Widespread support for “slashing MPs”

Fire Brigade Union launch new 'cost effective' Westminster fire station.

Fire Brigade Union launch new ‘cost effective’ Westminster fire station.

A report into the cost of MPs in Westminster has recommended the whole system needs to be “transformed” to become more efficient and effective. This comes hot on the heels of a similar review that suggested the fire service also needed major reforming.

Reported incidences of competent MPs have fallen by 40% in the last decade but the number of £65,000-a-year parliamentarians has remained roughly the same. The report has stated having 650 separate “headless chickens” was not sensible.

“With some MPs being half as effective as others, tens of millions of pounds could be saved each year” the report’s author said. “I recommend cutting back on some of the non-effective ones such as George Galloway, Michael Gove and Ed Miliband.”

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Jeremy Vine solves slight disagreement – very few injured

vineish

Vine not looking his best in the Lickers just before 4am, wearing special radio shoes coated in sick

One of Harold’s most controversial issues has finally been laid to rest, after a chance visit from Radio 2’s Jeremy Vine.

Anyone who knows Harold also knows just how divisive opinions can be. Over the years the village has seen arguments between neighbours and friends, and even the odd family feud. Many a punch up in the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been blamed on disagreements, together with copious amounts of over-priced alcohol.

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