A butcher in Leeds has released a high perfomance blood sausage to celebrate the Tour de France coming to Yorkshire.
On the outside, the pud looks like any other in his shop, but it contains around 15% more blood.
“Using a technique I developed after reading Lance Armstrong’s book, I extracted a good sized cupful of blood from each of these beauties”, explained Derek Arkwright.
“This I stored in a secret fridge away from council inspectors, while the puddings recuperated behind the sneeze guard. To see them nestling there, next to the strips of decorative fake grass…you’d never know they were destined for greatness.” Continue reading →
After a disappointing World Cup, lovers of football violence finally have something to cheer about as it emerged that a fan bit another fan’s ear off during the England – Uruguay match.
“It’s really pleasing we’ve shown the world England can still mix with the best when it comes to mindless thuggery” said Millwall fan Gavin Mitchell. “We invented football violence and this incident shows it is still part of our DNA.”
“I mean take that Suarez bite – it was more of a kiss if you ask me. And that Italian was annoying him by, um, being Italian so biting him really was nothing special – even a tennis fan would do it.” Continue reading →
The English football team’s quest to return home from Brazil is in tatters after the team failed to clear Customs.
Pre-flight expectations were high with most fans expecting England to progress to the prestigious immigration queue stage, and some dared to dream the team would board the flight and make it all the way home.
But the Customs fiasco had the press and fans question whether England can actually compete with the best on the international travel stage. Continue reading →
An exact replica of the one that should have been worn by Luis Suarez
Are you partial to a bit of Italian meat during your football match?
Do you prefer your half-time oranges to be blood oranges?
Are your opponents keen on finishing the game with the same amount of digits as they started with?
Then you need the World Cup edition of the Luis Suarez mask. With enough space for even the most horse-like set of teeth, this mask will give you comfort without the risk of you taking a lump out of someone’s shoulder.
In the colours of the Uruguay national team, this replica is exactly the same specification as the one that should have been worn by the Uruguayan Number 9.
This muli-purpose mask can also be used in conjunction with a straight jacket by radio DJs from the 70s
To order yours, simply call Harold 999-I8U
Warning: Keep children’s fingers away from ventilation holes. May contain someone who is nuts
Wimbledon organisers are preparing for the end of an era this fortnight, as looming independence for Scotland has the unintended effect that everyone’s favourite joke about Andy Murray may not work any more.
The traditional “Andy Murray reverts to being Scottish” joke has been sighted every year since the plucky Scotsman first began losing at Wimbledon. The joke is a clever play on the fact that prior to losing, Murray is often referred to in the media as ‘British’, but after being defeated he is likely to be labelled ‘Scottish’, which is so amusing that pointing it out never gets tiresome.
It is traditional to wait several minutes after Murray is knocked out of Wimbledon before posting the joke on Facebook. Over the last few years, the joke has been ingeniously tweaked and subtly twisted to maintain its freshness, as seen in recent outings: “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2012), “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2011) and “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2010). Continue reading →
With England as good as out of the World Cup, a charity shop in Harold has been mistaken for a BNP outlet after receiving hundreds of old, unwanted England flags.
Doris Kettle works in the store for a few hours a week, and has been staggered by the response.
“Normally we find it hard to find volunteers, but since Friday morning we’ve been inundated with fat, tattooed, shaven headed men asking if they can sign up to ‘help the cause'”, revealed Kettle.
“Now that we have 15 on every shift I’m a bit scared to tell them the money goes to poor Africans.”
Phil Neville has failed to convince a panel of experts that he is human, it emerged today.
This is believed to be the first time that a football pundit has failed the ‘Turing Test’, a standard way of distinguishing between a lifeless mechanical robot and a computer.
“So one ball starts in the middle but then what happens to the quaffle and the bludgers?”
Despite the almost world wide interest and obsession with the World Cup, a Harold man today admitted he has neither any interest in it, nor the first clue what is actually going on.
In a move almost guaranteed to see him mocked, derided and shunned by 95% of the male population, villager Darryl Alesworth admitted in a pub conversation that he has to ask his wife to explain what is going on on the big grass patch on the tv. Continue reading →
Car manufacturer Lotus has pledged to return to Le Mans next year, and shatter the 24 hour barrier.
Using a combination of high octane fuel, boozed-up drivers and second-hand remoulds, chief engineer Bertrand Collins is confident of finishing the event almost before it starts.
“Lotus has a proud history of owners attempting to drive all the way to Le Mans, only to break down in huge numbers right across France”, said Collins.
“So they’re there in spirit, or perhaps in a hired Renault Twingo. That’s the sort of determination and blind optimism we’re hoping to tap into.” Continue reading →
Hopes for an improvement in the condition of the pitch for England’s opening match are high after local gardeners agreed to remove their allotments from the playing area for the duration of the game.
With 48 hours to go to the kick off it was clear that a lot of work was still required, but the head groundsman was pleased to report that the field was looking more ready for football with the goal nets having been hung on the runner bean poles now relocated to either end of the ground. Continue reading →
Unmentioned in the media a little known football tournament called the FIFA World Cup 2014 starts today in Sao Paulo. The contest, which lasts a month, will end with the winning team being given a Cadbury’s Creme Egg each and the opportunity to go on to reap lucrative commercial sponsorship deals worth in excess of £100.
England won the World Cup in 1966 however that achievement is now all but forgotten with that year being associated in most people’s minds with the birth of David Cameron.
Journalists strongly advised not to ask too many questions
FIFA were caught up in further controversy today following their decision to strip the hosting of the 2022 World Cup from Qatar and instead award it to Sicily.
Critics are claiming that the new vote was, if anything, even more corrupt than the original process that saw the World Cup awarded to Qatar. These claims have been strenuously denied by Matteo Messina Denaro, who headed up the Sicily 2022 bid. Continue reading →
“And then, after the penalties, I usually slump my shoulders like this”
At a press briefing at Luton Airport on Sunday, Roy Hodgson confirmed younger England players are being taken to the World Cup primarily to get used to losing.
”Some have lost with their clubs at home and at European level: now they must do so on the World stage if they want to earn a long-term England place.”
Sadly, others are still hungry for success “You can see it in their eyes: they positively radiate passion, belief and hope. And it’s my job, together with Stevie [team captain, Gerrard], to snuff that out.” Continue reading →
With the results of an investigation showing corruption in FIFA led to the awarding of the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, The Sunday Times have become this year’s favourites to scoop the ‘No Shit, Sherlock’ award for journalism.
The award is given to stories that use investigations, evidence, and concrete proof to end up with a shocking revelation that most people thought was already fact, leading them to say ‘no shit, Sherlock’.
Previous winners of the award include The Daily Telegraph with their discovery in 2009 that MPs were dishonest. Continue reading →
Defending his misogynistic comments on last night’s Question Time, Joey Barton has said although he regrets his off-the-cuff sexism, it can be hard to form a coherent argument under pressure.
“I often make gaffs when forming opinions on things I don’t really understand. Choosing an opinion is like choosing a cell mate, pick the wrong one and you’re buggered. I’ve done it again haven’t I? Continue reading →
Fifa has announced it is to investigate Nigerian goalkeeper, Austin Ejide, after he appeared to throw the ball into his own net during a friendly game with Scotland. He is to be charged with being so blatant he ‘brought corruption into disrepute’.
Speaking from his penthouse suite in a five-star hotel in Qatar, Sepp Blatter said corruption in football was “a fine art that only a very few at the top can master.”
“The way he threw the ball into his own net was an embarrassment,” Blatter explained. “Even the referee disallowed it out of sympathy and to try and give him another go at it.”
“Russia and Qatar wouldn’t have World Cups if they had just given us brown envelopes in front of the cameras, would they?
“Ok, maybe they would but the point is they didn’t. They were much more subtle.”
It was not only the obvious attempt to throw the ball into his own goal that have brought corruption into disrepute during the game.
Suspicions were aroused when he stepped up to take a penalty. The Scotland players tried to tell him he should be attempting to save it but he was adamant he would score. And he would have, had he not still had his boot laces tied together.
His teammates appeared to be unhappy with his blatant attempts to throw the game.
Nigeria defender Azubuike Egwuekw said: “It was embarrassing. I told him to get a grip, but he said he couldn’t, especially not with all the butter he had spread on his gloves.
“Eventually though he changed them, calmed down and let me score a less suspicious own goal. He really could have let the team down.”
Blatter has said that should Austin Ejide be found guilty of bringing corruption into disrepute he will be banned from playing the sport and serving on the Fifa board in the future. Either that or a fine of 500,000USD in used notes delivered to Mr Blatter directly.
Canada has called on the UK to stop their historical empire building. Matters have come to a head over the UK’s claim that it invented ice-hockey and that Charles Darwin was an early player.
“When it comes to history the Brits are plain greedy,” said Gordon Campbell, Canada’s High Commissioner to the United Kingdom. “Okay so you’ve stopped stealing actual countries but now you’re all about stealing heritage instead. Ice-hockey is as British as homo milk so hands off.” Continue reading →
Yaya Toure has ended speculation over his future by confirming that he will stay at Manchester City after the club apologised for not adequately acknowledging his birthday, took him to Disney World and bought him a balloon.
The current African footballer of the year had fuelled speculation that he may leave after a row over the club’s owners ignoring his birthday, but after Manuel Pellegrini cut short his own holiday to take Toure to Orlando all seems to have been forgiven. Continue reading →
Players, management, and fans of Arsenal Football Club are celebrating this morning following their success at Wembley in the FA Cup final, marking the beginning of the club’s next nine years without a trophy.
The victory in the competition saw the team lift their first piece of silverware since 2005 and marks the start of a brand new era of quarter-final cup exits, fourth place in the league and the now traditional February capitulation.
Chelsea fans have called for the sacking of Roman Abramovich, after a string of poor performances in the Sunday Times UK Super-Rich list.
“It’s got harder holding our heads high at the Bridge, since he dropped down the ‘Howmuch?’ rankings,” complained fan Roger Brendan. Continue reading →
You must be logged in to post a comment.