Another nasty case of Gerrarditis
Dear Doctor Evans, I’m a BBC sports journalist and I can’t help mentioning the amazingly loyal Liverpool superstar footballer Steven Gerrard every time I open my mouth. Am I sick? Is there any cure? BBC Cliché (The Wirral)
Dear BBC Cliché, I’m afraid you are very sick, but your condition is curable.
You are suffering from a mass form of hysteria Continue reading
Comments Off on Ask the Doctor. This week: Gerrarditis
Filed under Dr. Evans' Casebook, Media, Sport
An artist’s impression of Liverpool in 2019
As a tribute to Liverpool FC’s departing captain and arguably greatest ever player, Steven Gerrard, the entire city is to be demolished and rebuilt in his image.
The work will start as soon as Gerrard, the most talented footballer to ever grace the Premier League, heads to the USA to join LA Galaxy in the summer. It is expected to be completed by 2018, in time for him to return to the club and fail as a manager. Continue reading
“And a Steak Pie & chips my good man and make it snappy; the fourth quarter is about to start”
Well know sports enthusiast and part-time Prime Minister, David Cameron, has been discussing his ability to support multiple teams such as England, UK and GB “For instance, I’m a true-blue West Ham fan but that doesn’t stop me supporting Liverpool Rangers when they’re competing in the Eurasian Cup.”
The Prime Minister’s spokeman later clarified that in fact Mr Cameron is a Villa fan and must have suffered from Brain Fade when referring to his support for ‘The West Hamsters.
“I’ve supported Villa Rovers since I was a lad” said the old Etonian; “nothing like standing at The Shed end singing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ to the world-famous recording by Freddie and the Dreamers.”
“Happy Days eh? Oh look, another spontaneous low-brow cultural reference! The Fonce was my absolute favourite, with his shaven head and lollipop sucking. ‘Who loves ya baby’ – I just loved that catchphrase.”
Comments Off on CORRECTIONS: Cameron clarifies soccerball allegiance
Filed under Election 2015, Politics, Sport
The AA managed to perform a tyre change in under 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Jenson Button is delighted with the performance of his Honda Civic powered McLaren F1 car and the new AA sponsorship. “The AA has made me a priority case. If they can’t fix the car track-side within 30 minutes they’ll tow me back to the pits. Which will help save fuel and be good for my lap times too.”
The AA link-up is new for Button but he has a long history with Honda, having been blessed by their previous F1 effort until 2008. “When Honda quit, the team had a small party then lashed together a new car with Mercedes power, which sadly won me the 2009 title.”
Andy Murray has said he “disappointed” and sorry he let his fans down after losing his wedding to Novak Djokovic.
This was the first time Murray had made it to the final round of a relationship.
“I played really well early on” Murray explained “and easily saw off opponents in the chatting up rounds.
Continue reading
Prince Harry’s choice of kit didn’t go down well
Sadly England lost the inaugural game, going down to a 134-0 defeat amid some questionable tactical decisions.
Leading the England forward attack were Prince William and Hugh Grant, two players considered to be the embodiment of Englishness.
Sadly the game was lost when these two giants in the game started talking in German from the first whistle
The team’s manager, Queen Elizabeth couldn’t hide her frustration from the touchline and was heard to shout to her players “was machst du?”
Speaking at her post match press conference, QE2 told reporters: “By speaking German they lost us the game. Obviously the rules state you need to speak perfect English, with more points awarded the more plums you have in your mouth.
“But speaking another language isn’t in the rules of being English. We tried to win the game back by having Steve McClaren come on and start speaking to foreigners in English but with a bad foreign accent and a slightly raised voice, but the game was already lost.”
England’s chances had already taken a blow before the match had even started. Typical English Tory toff Jacob Rees-Mogg was due to be playing the vital midfield dynamo role but sent his Swiss nanny on instead.
The support from the fans was also disappointing from an English point of view. Known for following the England football team in a traditional brassy way, the England Supporters Band turned up to get behind the team. Although confusion set in when they substituted ‘The Great Escape’ for the French national anthem played on vuvuzelas.
A last minute attempt to win the game came as everyone on the England team indulged in a round of binge drinking, throwing up, and fighting each other for no apparent reason, but sadly this all came after the final whistle and outside the stadium.
Unfortunately, things don’t look good for the future of England in the new sport of being English. Losing this inaugural game so emphatically can only be a bad omen seeing as they didn’t yet have an opponent.
Alonso’s beard woke up decades in the past
A proud wearer of facial fluff, Alonso went into turn 3 at the Circuit De Barcelona-Catalunya with a bit of morning stubble, but after colliding with a wall his beard came out having seemingly forgotten the past 40 years and slipped into a 70’s style.
Continue reading
Qatar’s slave labour has said it welcomes FIFA’s recommendation that the 2022 World Cup should be held a few months later than normal, giving them more chance of them finishing the stadia on time, and therefore less chance of having their Human Rights violated for being late.
Continue reading
Which end is which?
The kinky exhibitionist romp took place in Wellington Stadium in front of a crowd of 30,000 curious fans. The English batsmen dressed up in padded, helmeted gimp suits and were led out to the pitch in pairs to receive their thrashing. While they didn’t appear to be blindfolded, it was perfectly obvious they couldn’t see a f**king thing.
Continue reading
Terry is said to be unhappy with UKIP taken all the glory for his racists
Chelsea captain, occasional racist and former stealer of his team mates’ girlfriends and Champions League glory John Terry has spoken out at his dismay after UKIP appear to have taken a story about some racist Chelsea fans on a train and make it all about them.
“Why can’t we be allowed to have our racists splashed all over the papers without UKIP trying to get in on the act,” Terry explained. Continue reading
Rooney is on a roll.
Sir Richard Branson has stolen a lead on media rivals, after securing exclusive rights to the footballers’ leavings.
“Laying a cable is something our firm was founded on”, said Branson. “We promise our viewers they’ll see every juddering headshaker, every sweating push, and all in slow motions.”
With watching actual football now deemed way beyond even a billionaire’s pockets, Branson admitted he himself could no longer afford to watch The Beautiful Game.
“Rather than settle for rights to the likes of Hartlepool United or any of the other ‘bottom’ clubs, we’ve thought ‘outside the box’and secured exclusive footage straight from the tunnel.”
Continue reading
The New English Patriots (pronounced Pay-tree-ots) have won the American Football World cup of Gridiron, beating Seattle Seahawks FC by 28 goals to 24, despite being 10 runs down going into the last part of the match.
The Patriots fourth World Cup final win saw inspiring performances by their nickel-back Tom Brady and an interception from his butler in the last few seconds of the game.
Continue reading
Comments Off on Super Bowl XL49 – An Englishman’s post-match review
Filed under Sport
When asked about his stupid hair, he said it was still there, under the wig.
After confirming that Mario Balotelli will not be leaving Liverpool during the January transfer window, Brendan Rodgers has also revealed that the out of favour striker will be available for short-term hire for children’s parties.
The club are hoping to cover a portion of the Italy international’s wages by charging by the hour for him to entertain children with classic routines such as ‘trying to put a training bib on’ and ‘opting to shoot from thirty yards when several teammates are better placed’. Continue reading
Comments Off on Liverpool to hire out Balotelli for children’s parties
Filed under Sport
The world’s biggest Lycra-clad liar and drugs cheat Lance Armstrong has said he should be forgiven for getting caught.
He has told the BBC that he regrets getting caught cheating but says the public should forgive him and understand that it was never his wish to be found out. Continue reading
A real threat on the right wing
Oldham Athletic are considering pulling out of a controversial move for former leader of the German Nazi Party, Adolf Hitler, after 20,000 people signed an online petition opposing the deal.
The man who was Führer of Germany was set to be cloned on Monday and train with the club ahead of signing a long-term contract, but the public opposition may now force a dramatic U-turn. Continue reading
Pardew’s Newcastle team talk “Loyalty. You can’t buy it, but you’ll know it when you see it”
“Once the Pardew Out banners went down” said the manager who’s left behind him the longest contract in UK football history “I thought, ‘Right, you Geordie tossers. I’m off to London, soon-as’.”
Pardew believes the best way to thank owner Mike Ashley for standing by him, whilst his squad played like a Sunday pub team, was to clear off whenever he got a better offer.
“Ideally I’d have nutted one of the ‘sackpardew.com’ organisers before getting on me bike back to the smoke Continue reading
Comments Off on Pardew leaves Newcastle after fans finally stop telling him to piss off
Filed under breaking news, News, Sport
Oh come on! Did you really want a car photo?
The music industry has heaved a huge sigh of relief after learning that last weekend’s Beckham car crash was not the warbling clotheshorse attempting another comeback.
Victoria was distraught after learning of husband David’s motor accident, having misheard the early reports.
“Oh, thank god for that, I thought you said ‘car clash’. There’s nothing worse than turning up at an event and someone has exactly the same car as you. I couldn’t have let him drive it again, for the shame he would have brought upon brand Beckham.” Continue reading
“See? Everyone likes me.”
London cabbie Brian Knowledge has spoken of his “shame” after being secretly recorded having a conversation with despised former Conservative cabinet minister David Mellor.
Mellor made the recording secretly and passed it to The Sun in an attempt to prove that there are still people alive prepared to talk to him.
In the recording the taxi driver can be heard asking Mr Mellor whether “he is doing anything nice for Christmas this year,” and sharing a joke at the expense of Arsenal Football Club.
Mellor told The Sun: “This man and I had a perfectly friendly chat, and he didn’t once laugh at me or call me an arsehole. They said it couldn’t be done.”
So proud
Only hours after backtracking on their decision to welcome Ched Evans back to the club, Sheffield United have caused more controversy by announcing that despised ‘pick-up artist’ Julien Blanc will begin training with them on Monday.
Blanc has been struggling with fitness after legal difficulties prevented him from being loathsome in several countries, and the Sheffield club are believed to have offered him facilities to practise choking, grabbing and being an arsehole.
“We’re enormously proud,” explained manager Nigel Clough. “We feel that just because he’s a revolting piece of slime, he shouldn’t be prevented from making a living.”
“We might have been a bit naive with the whole Ched Evans thing, but who could possibly have thought that anyone would be unhappy about us welcoming back a rapist? It’s a funny old world.”
“Anyway, this time we really think we’ve got it right – surely no-one can complain about Julien Blanc.”
Comments Off on Julien Blanc to train with Sheffield United
Filed under Sport
Liar liar, or flyer, flyer? Either way, Billy’s pants would be on fire.
A 26-stone villager who claimed to have completed a 185 mile bike ride on Facebook has been accused of ‘peddling a lie’.
William ‘Billy’ McKean, 42, posted a map of his route, with stats showing a completion time of 3 hours, during which he burned an astonishing 27,950 calories.
“Normally, I believe everything I read on Facebook”, said Pippa Delaney. “But then it occurred to me that Billy works up a sweat just taking his trolley back in Tesco’s car park. And also, he doesn’t own a bike.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Doubts cast on villager’s Facebook bike ride
Filed under Around Harold, Social media, Sport
You must be logged in to post a comment.