When they got home they found wind chimes in their garden
In a surprise revenge attack, hipsters broke into an anarchist’s home over the weekend, when he was out demonstrating against a cereal cafe, then filled it with John Lewis soft furnishing and fabrics.
“When we got back from the demo” sobbed one of the victims, Jeff Jones “we found some low-life had left a pair of lava lamps and an original Bang & Olufsen turntable in the living room and a fondue set in the kitchen.” Continue reading
Like all State occasions this one has been relentlessly rehearsed with Her Maj’s Scottish home, Castle Black, standing in for Buck House
As republican and reminder of a lovely teacher you had at school, Jeremy Corbyn, continues to weigh up the pros and cons of bowing to the Queen when he is made a privy counsellor, Her Majesty has entered the debate by saying that he will “burn if he doesn’t bend the knee.”
The Queen is set to have Corbyn executed on the grounds that she’ll do whatever it takes to “get some respect.” She went on to add that “dear Cousin Stannis had the right idea.” Continue reading
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Labour Leader, Jeremy Corbyn writes exclusively for the Evening Harold
Hello Comrades,
Well, I’ve never been one to gloat, but it’s been a pig of a week for the Tories!
After the vilifying I received at the hands of the right wing press for not singing a silly song about the preservation of the Queen, the confirmation that Cameron and his cronies really do have their snouts in the trough has been a delight. It’s amazing what the privileged get up to behind closed doors!
I’d just like to take this opportunity to assure my supporters that whilst I come from a comfortable background – which, of course, I deplored – the only thing we ever inserted into a pig’s mouth was an apple. Continue reading
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“You certainly have a visually appealing mouth.”
Burt Reynolds fans have complained that a ‘Deliverance’ remake will be ‘too dark’ if it moves from the Cahulawassee River to the Thames.
“I loved the original”, said Harold’s Phil Evans. “But in the new one, the bit where the two dead pigs land their canoe on the banks of Westminster makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.”
“Sure, it’s an isolated community, and you’d expect them to get up to some weird stuff. But in reality, would the inbreds really go that far?”
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Ham Fisted
The pig at the centre of the David Cameron scandal has broken her silence in an exclusive kiss and squeal interview.
Under the alias ‘Margaret’ she said that she wanted to get things straight, “Something Mr Cameron had no trouble doing in his student days”.
Filed under Badgers, breaking news, News, Politics, Sex, skeleton, Society, spam, Troubled Families
Cameron in happier times, poised to spring
After shocking revelations of bestiality again swept the government, David Cameron has insisted that the incident when he put his penis into the mouth of a dead pig was merely part of an explanation of his future plans for the UK.
The porcine molestation, which occurred at a dining club at Oxford University, has been seen by many as further proof that the Prime Minister is the sort of slimy lowlife who would literally fuck a pig, but a government spokesperson insisted the incident has been taken “out of context”.
“When the future PM inserted his ‘private organ’ into a dead pig’s mouth, he was only trying to demonstrate visually the beneficial effect of Conservative policies on the country,” the spokesperson explained. Continue reading
In a major scoop, newly elected Labour Leader, Jeremy Corbyn writes exclusively for the Evening Harold. This is mainly because we pretended we were from the Socialist Worker but that’s fine because we’re more working class than him so lying is acceptable.
Hello Comrades,
Well it’s been quite a week, but democracy has spoken and the revolution has started.
I’ve fulfilled my election promise by having more gels in my Executive Committee but I’m still hearing dissent from the rank and file because there aren’t enough gels in the top jobs. I’ve done my best by having a chap called Hilary shadowing the Foreign brief, but you can’t be too careful with gels. Until I get to know them how do I know one of them won’t turn out to be a Thatcher?
I’ve had to make a few changes to the Party structure already. I’ve dispensed with the services of all those spin doctors as we won’t be needing any of them anymore. Of course, it’s sad for the people concerned but the way I see it, that’s another 876 people added to the unemployment list showing that the vicious Tory policies are simply not working. Continue reading
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Tricky… Tricky choice…
After realising that Jeremy Corbyn is the first politician since the dawn of time to not be a corrupt lying bastard, the hundred thousand Conservative supporters who paid £3 to vote for him have all decided he’s actually the best of a bad lot, and the’re going to stick around.
“I paid my money to vote Corbyn, thinking I was consigning Labour to electoral oblivion,” admitted Brian Refrew of Harold. “It all seemed to go really well, but having heard him talk just after reading an Iain Duncan Smith quote, I thought ‘fuck it, I’m on the wrong side’.”
Somewhat surprisingly, the Daily Telegraph, who ran a campaign to get readers to vote for Corbyn, has also come out in favour of the left-winger.
In a editorial entitled “Bugger us, it’s obvious now we think about it”, the paper has urged its readers to pay the extra money to become full Labour members, and has demanded better treatment of refugees “just because it’s the right thing to do, which surprises us as much as you, if we’re honest”.
It’s a tough choice – which would hurt more?
“As a Catholic, I usually prefer people to suffer for as long as possible.” said Iain Duncan Smith today
“On the other hand, every scrounger who does the decent thing and offs himself… well it’s one less begging mouth for us normals to feed, isn’t it?”
This might be Tobias Ellwood. Or some other buffoon. Who knows?
Tobias Ellwood says that having a £26.50 expenses debt written off by the parliamentary standards authority (IPSA) is only fair, given how much other money he has to worry about.
“Look, poor people are used to being careful with money.” Ellwood said “But someone like me, who’s always had stacks of the stuff, scraping by on a mere £90K a year is just awful.”
Friends say £90K might seem a lot of cash but when the costs of food, transport, rent/mortgage are factored in, he’ll only have £90K left.
At least this one’s a smiler, which is nice.
Following on from the release of figures showing how many people have died since being declared fit for work and the news that the UN is to investigate his welfare reforms, Iain Duncan Smith is set to resign in a matter of days and be replaced by Ramsay Bolton.
“Ramsay will be a worthy successor,” Duncan Smith said. “We have much in common as military men who share a similar outlook. Of course he’s got where he is today thanks to his incredibly wealthy landowning father whereas I’m completely different as I’d be nothing without my incredibly wealthy landowning father-in-law.” Continue reading
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A charming trip down memory lane.
Up to 60,000 tourists have been refused entry to the deliberately grim attraction called ‘Corbynland’.
Some had waited patiently for over 30 years to visit the theme park, which features a nationalised railway for the ladies and a free lunch area for union members only.
“I got to the turn stile, and they asked me if I’d been to a rival tourist attraction before”, said Harold’s Phil Evans.
“I told them I’d been to a model village in Chipping Norton a few years ago, but it was very unrealistic. However, they said that was enough to get me barred from Corbynland.”
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Like a closed shop, but before the wheels came off.
Labour hopeful Jeremy Corbyn will push women into the sea in wheeled sheds, if elected.
The surprise announcement was made by Corbyn, who has pledged to reintroduce a number of similar initiatives abandoned by history.
“From coal mines and women-only carriages, to rickets and dinosaurs, I think we can all agree that the past was a better place”, said Corbyn.
Bathing machines were used by the Victorians, so that women could swim in the sea without men being offended by their calves.
Corbyn believes that rather than condemning the practice of ankle ogling, it would be less confrontational to set women adrift.
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Corbyn has an extremely unsavoury association with me
Tony Blair has intervened again in the election, this time demanding that Jeremy Corbyn explain his links to a deranged warmonger who launched an illegal war in the Middle East in 2003.
Blair alleges that Corbyn served in a party led by the war criminal for over ten years. Continue reading
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Jeremy Corbyn ‘refuses to serve’ under Jeremy Corbyn
“Jeremy Corbyn doesn’t understand big business” said Jeremy Corbyn. “He has no clue how the likes of Amazon, Google, Starbucks can make super profits but pay no tax. He doesn’t get why zero hours contracts and the stripping away of people’s self worth are necessary to make the economy function.”
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Peter Mandelson: intensely unrelaxed about democracy
It emerged late last night that Lord Mandelson involved himself in the Hogwarts House Cup by urging three houses to resign en mass in order to suspend the contest and prevent the left wing Gryffindor house from winning.
Mandelson, a Slytherin and close confident of Lord Tonymort whom he helped rise to power in 1997, is understood to have contacted the heads of each of the three houses and ordered them to resign on the grounds that a bunch of left-wingers winning something made him feel “all clammy and alarmed as it should any proud Labour member who truly embraces our party’s history and ideals.” Continue reading
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After two spectacular interventions into the Labour leadership race caused Jeremy Corbyn’s popularity to soar, companies are falling over themselves to get Tony Blair to badmouth their products.
Coca-Cola have been battling concerns its products are unhealthy, but as soon as foreign dictator consultant Blair described Coke as a ‘1980s throwback sugar-laden pile of piss’, sales exploded. Likewise, McDonald’s had queues stretching out the door after the monger of wars said its food was ‘plastic, inauthentic, and caused face cancer’. Banks lined up to have Blair call them ‘greedy, heartless, blood-sucking leeches on society’.
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“Would these hands lie to you?”
“People don’t realise how dangerous principles are in the wrong hands” explained foreign dictator consultant Blair. “Jeremy Corbyn could use them to make Labour unrecognisable inside an hour of becoming leader.”
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Don’t worry about that scribble at the bottom
About 1,200 people have been banned from voting in Labour’s leadership election because they might vote for the wrong person.
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Cthulu: currently dormant and dreaming of reducing our sanity to ashes, and renationalising the railways
Former spin doctor Alastair Campbell has warned that voting for Jeremy Corbyn would be a “car crash, and more” for both Labour and the nation as a whole. Specifying that the “more” part would definitely involve the rise of Cthulu, the monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and whose rise from the stone city of R’lyeh will usher in an era of madness that will destroy our minds along with civilisation itself. Continue reading
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