Category Archives: News

by | August 27, 2016 · 8:29 am

IDS clarifies: Brexit means *closing* a new hospital each week

IDS

Open a new hospital each week, are you mad? No, what I said was we could close one each week

With hospitals having been told to take a ticket and wait their turn to be closed, Iain Duncan Smith says people misheard him during the referendum campaign.

“I was shocked that people thought I promised to spend shed-loads of cash on the NHS, and open a new hospital each week, we clearly said close. I’m not one to blame others, but I think you’ll find that was the work of Project Fear. Or immigrants. Continue reading →

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by | August 24, 2016 · 7:00 am

Local idiot will sit in the sun all day today, if temperatures top 30°C

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See, two whole days in the sun last week – still no cancer

A Harold man who thinks the moon-landings were faked and melanoma is what picnic mugs are made from, hopes to get his annual Vitamin D intake today, if weather forecasts are correct .

Conspiracy theorist and pot-head, 23 year-old Adam Cassidy, says that skin cancer is an invention of cancer charities. Continue reading →

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by | August 20, 2016 · 9:25 am

Baby develops language skills, despite adults always talking gibberish to her

Programme Name: Teletubbies 2015 - TX: n/a - Episode: Teletubbies - ep 1 (No. 1) - Picture Shows: Laa-Laa, Dipsy, Po, Tinky Winky - (C) Teletubbies Production LTD - Photographer: -

Your child may be a Doctor in 25 years. Start talking to her in English

A small child has successfully developed language skills even though adults insist on talking to her in some form of Teletubbish.

In only a few weeks, nine-month old Ellie Reynolds from Harold has upped her game, from blowing bubbles simultaneously via nostrils and mouth, to forming coherent sentences with nouns, verbs, and those ‘ad…’ things you didn’t pay attention to at school. Continue reading →

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by | August 18, 2016 · 1:59 am

GCSEs piss easy claims anyone who last sat an exam twenty years ago

Looks tense but did you know GCSEs in 2017 were only ten minutes long?

GCSEs are officially less challenging than pulling a greasy stick out of a dead dog’s arse according to everyone who’s forgotten what taking exams is like. Continue reading →

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by | August 13, 2016 · 4:05 pm

Gary Lineker ‘looking forward to eating pies again’

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Still sucking it in until Match of the Day this evening

With the end of a 5 month fast in sight, Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker is keen to start eating properly again.

After presenting a segment of tonight’s MotD in his pants, Lineker will finally relax his abdominal muscles for the first time since Easter and has taken the sensible precaution of lining them with two layers of Tena for Men.

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by | August 11, 2016 · 10:10 am

Tom Daley’s team mates strike Olympic diving Gold

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Tom Daley; we would

Inspired by Tom Daley’s brilliant-bronze on Day 3, two other Team GB divers won Olympic gold last night. Neither of them are, or have at any time been related to Tom Daley.

Speaking about their win,  Daley, who first shot to public prominence in the 2008 Olympics, as the youngest member of Team GB, said he was ‘delighted’ for his team mates.

Still only 22, Tom has been diving since he was just seven years old, an age when many less-talented children can’t even swim, much less jump into a pool. Continue reading →

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by | August 9, 2016 · 7:00 am

Differing reports on Troubled Families explained: “I was lying” says Cameron

Fat Dave utilising his right to cause offence

Unhappier times for the Camerons – in Cornwall

“Once you realise that – no mystery.” drawled a chillaxed David Cameron from a sunny beach.

“Good PR at the time – I did that before I became an MP as well, you know. Sun’s a bit fierce, would you mind shifting the umbrella to the left? No more Cornwall for me, thank God – I was lying about that too.” Continue reading →

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by | August 8, 2016 · 7:00 am

Education, education, segregation: grammar schools rise again

brady

Graham Brady MP. Anyone else hear braying and the clatter of horses’ hooves?

People who recognise the advantages of an expensive education  over a cheaper version are delighted that grammar schools are making a comeback.

“There are a few issues to resolve, such as how we keep the ‘wrong sort’ sort out, whilst still getting them to pay for it.” said Tory MP Graham Brady, a man who’s reached 49 years of age without once bothering to get a proper job. “We’ll probably rely on local house prices, which served us well for years.” Continue reading →

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by | August 6, 2016 · 8:48 am

Local boy missing for three years “was playing hide & seek”

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biscuit crumbs on the floor every morning were a clue

A ten-year old Harold boy, described by Police as being ‘unusually focused and competitive’, had been living in his toy cupboard for three years, after going missing on a particularly wet Bank Holiday weekend.

Giles Baker was found shortly after his parents moved home. The new occupants, disturbed by the disappearance of Müller Corners and Dairylea cheese slices from the fridge, considered calling in a priest but eventually left a trail of Snack Size Mars bars and trapped “an earnest looking boy” in the conservatory. Continue reading →

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by | July 29, 2016 · 3:04 am

Hinkley Point C in doubt as Godzilla unsure about moving to Somerset

Capture

Godzilla: not chuffed at the prospect of being close to Butlins

The future of the £18bn Hinkley Point C nuclear power station is uncertain following the revelation that Godzilla is “not really feeling it” about moving to the West Country.

The massive sea monster who was awakened from prehistoric slumber and given destructive power by nuclear radiation has a track record of being first on the scene whenever mankind’s love affair with the atom goes tits up. Continue reading →

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by | July 22, 2016 · 7:00 am

Jeremy Corbyn offers Owen Smith job as Labour Party gimp.

Leather_gimp_suit

Taking one for the team.

Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading →

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by | July 21, 2016 · 7:00 am

“£4.5Million? Great value” says Blair as 180,000 new members mysteriously sign up from same IP address

“It feels just like the old days”

A giggly Tony Blair was seen yesterday, waving his credit card in the air and shouting “Let’s see you match that, Corbyn!” as security staff tried to ease him back into his home.

The former PM explained that he got the idea of multiple membership from Tories who signed up for £3 last year and voted for Jeremy Corbyn.

“Cherie and I hit the phones on Tuesday morning. We started at Adam Aardvark and reached Zebedee Zidane by Wednesday lunch. Continue reading →

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by | July 19, 2016 · 7:00 am

“It’s too hot” says man who moaned last week that summer was over

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“How is anyone supposed to live in temperatures like these?”

A local man who thinks the winds, waves, and ultimately the varying temperature of the sun are personally out to spite him, has “had enough of it.”

Daytime temperatures in Harold have soared to 26℃ and Adam Cassidy believes it’s time to take a stand.

“I like it hot as much as anybody else, but this is too hot.” complained Cassidy, a part-time conspiracy theorist, who confirmed that a steady 22.4℃ with a light south westerly breeze would be perfect. “But not too much of a breeze, otherwise it makes the blinds rattle when I open the windows.”.

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by | July 16, 2016 · 8:00 am

Theresa May promises to listen to Nicola Sturgeon before ignoring her

Britain's new Prime Minister Theresa May (L) is greet by Scotland's First Minister Nicola Sturgeon (R) as she arrives for talks at Bute House, in Edinburgh, on July 15, 2016. Theresa May visited Scotland for talks with the First Minister less than 48 hours after taking office as British prime minister. / AFP PHOTO / Lesley MartinLESLEY MARTIN/AFP/Getty Images

Sturgeon checks if May is a Freemason

Theresa May says she is “willing to listen to options” on Scotland’s relationship with the EU as long as Nicola Sturgeon understands she won’t actually be doing anything about it or changing her mind.

Indeed, so as to avoid any misunderstanding, the PM insisted that Sturgeon tick a box agreeing to May’s terms and conditions, before she’d let discussions begin.

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by | July 15, 2016 · 8:00 am

Teachers delighted to have third minister in two years

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Justine Greening. Or is it Liz Truss? Who wrote ‘Eats, Shoots and Leaves’?

School staff are overjoyed to have a new Education Secretary, after the old one hung around for almost two whole years.

“Don’t get me wrong” said Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery “Nicky Morgan was great at first. But she sort-of ran out of steam. We’d sometimes go weeks without a new plan to combat left-wing teacher-training of the 1970’s.”

Ms Jeffery hopes new Education Secretary, Justine Greening will have plenty of new ideas Continue reading →

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by | July 9, 2016 · 2:01 pm

“UKIP asks ‘should we all be racists now?'”

Leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) Nigel Farage poses during a media launch for an EU referendum poster in London, Britain June 16, 2016. REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth

Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it

UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.

In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.

“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”

“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading →

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by | July 8, 2016 · 1:49 pm

US running out of people to kill in shooting rampages

empty townMass shootings could soon to be thing of the past as the latest massacre sees the US population dwindle to 27.

Mass shooting are technically defined as four or more people, which means the popular pastime could be off-limits inside a week.
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by | July 7, 2016 · 11:31 am

Blairexit: UK to hold referendum on whether to hang or shoot Tony Blair

Blair selfie Britain faces another divisive referendum over the exact method of dispatching monger of wars Tony Blair.

Harold shop owner Julie Kettle says she regrets not being informed enough about the EU referendum, so she’s really done her homework this time.
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by | · 7:33 am

Blair says Chilcot report proves Corbyn lacks the skills to organise an oil war

'The WMD was THIS big'

‘The WMD was THIS big’

Foreign dictator consultant Tony Blair says Jeremy Corbyn lacks the basic skills to organise an oil war, and should resign as Labour leader immediately.

“Just a glance at the Chilcot report shows just how unsuited Corbyn is to lead the country into a Middle Eastern war” said foreign dictator consultant Blair.

“The report rightly praised me for taking the most flimsy intelligence in a dossier and misrepresenting it so well that people were convinced Saddam could make a nuclear bomb from sand. Can you imagine Corbyn doing that if he’d been PM? He’s so naive he’d have just told the British public there was no immediate threat which would make it very hard to have a decent war.”
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by | June 28, 2016 · 6:52 pm

Labour MPs turn backs on serving country to serve only themselves

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How can you miss an open goal as big as these two egos?

The vast majority of Labour MPs have today confirmed that they will no longer be serving their constituencies and the country as a whole and from now on will be one hundred per cent focussed on their own narrow interests and financial futures. Continue reading →

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