Well-known drinker and friend
Well-known drink-driver Barbara Knox acknowledged last week that she’s been living a double life, having appeared repeatedly in a tawdry ITV soap known to its addicted fans simply as Corrie.
Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms, says that social attitudes have changed over the years “The times are long gone when a drink-driver could end up in a couple of episodes of Crossroads by mistake, Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, Law and Order, Showbusiness, TV
Caution: may contain traces of rant
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold, Law and Order
Following news events over the last few days, we have decided to publish a picture that some may find controversial. We do it defiance of those who try to break us, in defiance of those who are desperate to force change upon us, and in defiance of those who wish to devalue our traditions.
Cadbury, leave our Creme Eggs alone.
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Filed under Culture, Easter, International News, Law and Order, News, Uncategorized
Saudi cleric Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid has issued a ban on the building of snowmen in the north of the country following the appearance overnight of a 3 foot tall icy effigy of the Prophet Mohammed.
In a statement the cleric declared that to make statues in the form of any human was sinful, but to make one that looks a bit like how they imagine someone who lived 1400 odd years ago but of whom, not surprisingly, no pictures exist in a medium that doesn’t really lend itself to accurate depictions of facial features; particularly eye colour, skin tone and general beard scraggliness; was not only highly blasphemous, but also quite silly.
Photo for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to religious figures living or dead is purely coincidental.
Saudi riot police were despatched to the area where they set about smashing up, shooting and beheading all the offending snow demons and arresting groups of small children armed with an array of deadly bobble hats, scarves and woolly mittens.
Police eventually managed to restore order by arresting the ringleader, a jolly happy soul with a corn cob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal following a brief shootout at the offices of a French Santarist magazine.
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Filed under Badgers, Christmas, ice, Law and Order, Police, Religion, Uncategorized, War, Weather
After suffering an embarrassing hacking attack where ‘I love ISIS’ messages were posted to the US Central Command’s Twitter and YouTube accounts, the US exacted a terrible revenge by infecting all ISIS computers with Clippy, the Microsoft Office Assistant.
“We just hacked the US Central Command’s social media accounts as a bit of a joke” complained ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.
“You could understand if the US, in the spirit of banter, launched a few more drones our way, or water-boarded a few of the brothers in Guantanamo Bay. I’d even have said ‘fair cop’ if US jets dropped 1,000s of cartoons of the Prophet from the sky. But in the name of Allah, infecting all our computers with an unremovable version of Clippy is just … unnecessary.”
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Filed under International News, Law and Order
After days of terror where gangs of cats peed in neighbour’s gardens and bailed up dogs while the cats owners chanted ‘cats are great!’, moderate cat ladies have been urged to condemn extremist cat ladies.
The attacks seemed to be in retaliation to an unflattering depiction of a cat in the latest issue of the Harold Kennel Club’s monthly magazine, but most villagers say a poorly drawn cat by a dog owner can never be an excuse for a feline rampage.
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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Law and Order
“Trust me. I’m the Home Secretary, I know what I’m doing.”
Deaths from mood-altering-yet-legal substances remain stubbornly stuck down in double figures, according to a new Home Office report.
Home Secretary Theresa May wrote the foreword but denies some of its apparent support for decriminalising drugs, or indeed having read her own department’s report.
“It was a Home Office report on drugs,” carped Mrs May “why would I bother to read it? Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Drugs, Law and Order, News
Don’t worry, they won’t be your kids, or those of your friends. Their parents probably shop in Lidl.
Chris Grayling has defended his latest blundering about in the criminal justice system, building children’s super-prisons, pointing out that they will always be for other people’s kids so nice people like you haven’t got anything to worry about.
Like Mr Graylings other initiatives, this one is soundly based on European research; his gardeners are all from Turkey and agreed the idea seemed good when it was explained to them in the greenhouse last Thursday. Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics, Uncategorized
Already wrong: about to be made wronger.
David Cameron has given his unconditional support to a new set of rules that will punish those that kill others, or try to ruin things with explosives.
The controversial new approach will give MPs the opportunity to express outrage and concern, and reassure voters that everything is very much under control.
While some radicalised critics have pointed out that murder and terrorism are already illegal under archaic rules, the prime minister insisted that shiny new laws are better than dusty old ones.
“Nothing prevents sickening carnage like rafts of new legisture”, beamed Cameron. “I have in my hand a white paper.”
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Filed under Law and Order, Politics
The hanging Judge: “I’m not wearing any pants”
A furious judge, resplendent in silver-buckled patent leather shoes, gave a lawyer a public dressing down yesterday, for looking like ‘something out of Harry Potter’.
Brushing specks of imaginary dust from his frilly white ruff, Judge Davd Wynn Morgan tore into solicitor-advocate Alan Blacker, who had sewn ribbons and St John Ambulance medals onto his robes.
“If you want to look like something out of Harry Potter, don’t come into my court again” sneered Judge Morgan, tugging down on his black tights Continue reading
Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News
Handy guide for Police stop & search decisions
The Police Federation has rowed back on its welcome for the stop & search Code of Conduct, which at first they’d mistakenly taken to be a ‘colour code’.
“To say we’re disappointed would be an understatement” said spokesperson John Bigot
“We’d even had a batch of Dulux-type colour charts made for new officers, to take the guesswork out of their racism until they’re up to speed.”
A suspicion that a citizen might not have generations of English born ancestors, dating back to 1066, will no longer be sufficient to justify Continue reading
Filed under Crime, Law and Order, Police
‘If you’re going to tell a lie, make it this big.’
Theresa May has welcomed the news that 10% of the electorate voted in the West Midlands Police & Crime Commissioner by-election.
“Brilliant news. This shows how happy people are with the system I made up. Otherwise they wouldn’t have stayed indoors watching Eastenders, but turned out to vote.”
Mrs May explained exactly why crime figures have been falling steadily for many years both at home and right across western Europe.
“Since 1995, crime in England and Wales has fallen by nearly 60%, which I am linking directly to my having introduced PCCs in 2012. Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Law and Order, Politics
Can anyone else see A Big Cock?
Politicians with an eye on newspaper headlines are appalled by yet another European Court of Human Rights ruling today, that the UK breached prisoners’ rights by unlawfully refusing to give them the vote.
‘To me, beans means Heinz Wolff’ – Stephen Hawking
Trading Standards were left red-faced today after a case they brought against a local eatery was thrown out by a magistrate.
The case was brought against Pippa Delaney, owner of Harold vegetarian restaurant Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!, under the Foods Description Act.
However, the magistrate said there was no case to answer after a top mathematician vouched for the accuracy of the restaurant’s labelling.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Food, Law and Order
Prime minister David Cameron has held a news conference to explain the extra powers given to government to check phone and email records were originally suggested by former News Of The World editor, Tory advisor and now tenant of Her Majesty Andy Coulson.
Speaking to a packed room, Cameron said: “Andy told me some of the gossip available from people’s personal phone records. It’s that kind of knowledge that allowed me to convince Nick Clegg to renege on all his election promises.
“But for the sake of national security it will also be used for serious issues relating to terrorism. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is unlikely to try and bring Isis to the UK when we release his pathetically low Angry Birds score.”
Speaking from his cell, Coulson said he is glad his skills and ideas are finally being realised. “My background at the News Of The World allowed me to spend my time inside Downing Street training MI5 to get the personal details they needed from a phone. They are also now fully trained in sleeping with their boss without being caught, but I’ll admit that won’t help the war in terror.
“Hopefully they will now use some of my other ideas such as a sports section at the end of Prime Minister’s Questions and empowering women by making the Queen topless on the new £5 note.”
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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics
A record number of iPhones have been seized and destroyed at airport security since passengers have been asked to prove the batteries work.
“We are finding a lot of them aren’t able to turn on. The users trying to board with the device are making up a number of excuses,” a security guard at Luton Airport told us.
“We have had some claiming they drained the batteries checking Facebook twice, and others saying the batteries died as they kept checking the time to see how far into the six-hour delay they were.”
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Filed under International News, Law and Order, News, Travel
Fake lawyer worked for some right counts.
People who fell foul of Wonga’s badly made, fake lawyers are already fabricating their own interest rates for compensation.
Not content with using fake old people as well as a forged moral compass, Wonga avoided paying for real legal representation by using a sock puppet with two blood-sucking fangs.
Pippa Delaney from Harold has yet to settle on the final settlement figure.
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Filed under breaking news, Business, Law and Order
MI5 have started a government-backed crackdown on any UK citizen wishing to go to Syria to fight in the war against the Assad regime by launching a dawn raid at an address in Central London and arresting prime minister David Cameron.
“We have been looking through footage of our suspect talking of sending more fighters into region than any jihadist could hope to recruit,” MI5 head Andrew Parker said.
Filed under Defence, International News, Law and Order, News, Politics
Ginger parent attempted to merge in with normal people, using hair clippers.
A couple in Harold has been arrested by police for allowing their child to become enormously ginger.
Aged just 11 the child is already pantone 152, a number at odds with national guidelines.
“Teachers first alerted us to the child when he was placed in a brightly-lit classroom, and the sun reflecting off his hair somehow stained all the chalk an offensive orange colour”, said PC Flegg.
“When an officer went round to warn his parents, they were confronted by a 38 year-old male who was wantonly ginger.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Law and Order
99 calls about trivial murders could prevent action on ice cream emergencies
The family of a woman killed by a substandard ice cream has slammed police for the way they handled her case.
Wendy Barker called for help when she noticed her dairy adornments were dangerously lop-sided, but wasn’t taken seriously by official call handlers. Campaigners are calling for coppers to treat mistreated treats more professionally, or risk ‘getting monkey blood on their hands’.
“This poor woman experienced a very real and traumatising sprinkle crisis, only to be told by police to phone back if she’d been murdered”, claimed close friend Pippa Delaney. “There needs to be a separate number for these ice-cream based emergencies. Perhaps they could call it the Cones Hotline?”
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Filed under Around Harold, Food, Law and Order
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