The only people less fond of peace than Tony Blair
Category Archives: International News
US ‘military advisers’ in Iraq lambasted for inappropriate dress
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‘But I must have more blood’ says Blair
Pretty straight guy
Prince of Darkness and Supreme Evil Being Tony Blair has insisted that the West should again go to war in Iraq to provide him with a supply of the fresh blood of the innocents which he needs to retain his youth and immortality.
Commentators from across the political spectrum have denounced the returning of troops to the country as absolute insanity, but Blair is adamant that a resumption of conflict is the only way he he will be able to gorge on the human blood he so desperately craves.
“Look, I’m a pretty straight guy,” he explained to reporters this morning. “And, you know, my blood lust shall be sated. Great.”
Filed under International News, Politics, War
Obama says US ships in Persian Gulf ‘not war starting, dolphin watching’
USS George H.W Bush. America has ten of these things. Bit greedy, no?
President Obama has denied ordering US Navy ships into the Persian Gulf for hostile reasons.
“Our ships, their thousands of armed personnel and countless drones and missiles, are not getting close to Iraq to start a conflict,” he told the American people in a televised address. “We are merely dolphin watching which is just lovely. Many other things are lovely including oil and massively lucrative reconstruction projects but they’re for another day. I pinky swear.” Continue reading
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Panic as Tony Blair offers to bring peace to Iraq
Will he ever go away? No, he will never go away
There was panic across the globe last night when Tony Blair slithered out from under his rock and demanded the chance to bring peace to Iraq.
“People say I did a bad job last time,” Blair said, “but that’s not true. What with the speaking engagements, consultancies and peace envoy duties I’ve gotten off the back of it I’ve made myself very rich indeed. Job well done say I.” Continue reading
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Indian minister says rape is ‘sometimes right and sometimes wrong’ unless the victim is a tourist
Babulal Gaur: we couldn’t decide whether to call him a prat or a dingus so we’ve settled on pringus
Babulal Gaur, minister for law and order in Madhya Pradesh, has clarified his comments that rape is a “social crime’ that is “sometimes right and sometimes wrong”.
“It wasn’t the world wide condemnation or the sudden realisation that I was talking out of my bottom that has made me speak to the media,” Gaur told a hastily arranged press conference, “but the horrifying thought that tourists might not want to come to India due to a fear of violence. Or perhaps that an elected official can spout views on women that even Bluebeard might think were misogynistic and not be forced to resign might put more thoughtful tourists off visiting.”
“Let me assure Westerners that while I do think rape is sometimes right and sometimes wrong in the case of anyone laying a finger on any of you and your lovely, lovely money it is always wrong,” Gaur stated emphatically. “You’ll be safe in India, our own wives and daughters not so much, but hey, hardly any of them can match your spending power.”
“So come to India, who needs equality when you’ve got lots of photogenic elephants?”
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Filed under International News, Politics
Chinese troops out in force for 25th anniversary of ‘nothing happening, honest’
Genuine photo. Honest.
Chinese officials today confirmed that the massive numbers of troops moving into position around Beijing’s Tiananmen Square were there to guard against commemoration of the day in 1989 when “nothing much happened at all.”
Allegations of any kind of ruthless bloody massacre in the Square have always been furiously denied by China’s rulers, with their counter-arguments so persuasive that few if any locals have ever made the claims twice.
“Twenty-five years ago today was a day just like any other,’ explained the Chinese Foreign Minister. “When nothing happened, nothing at all. We’re marking the occasion with a massive display of force, but I wouldn’t read anything into that. Not if I were you.”
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‘Honour killings’ – perhaps try grounding daughters rather than stoning them to death
After the recent ‘honour killing’ of a woman outside a Lahore Courtroom, fathers of disobedient daughters are being urged to consider grounding them or confiscating their phones for a week as an alternative to stoning them to death.
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‘Let’s settle this like men’: Putin demands to wrestle Prince Charles
Vladimir Putin: moobs out and ready to wrestle, always ready.
As the controversy surrounding Prince Charles comparing Vladimir Putin to Hitler grows, the Russian President is demanding the right get physical.
“I will kick that tampon-fixated mummy’s boy into next week,” a shirtless Putin bellowed as he beat his chest. “Come to Moscow, Prince Too Thick To Know He’s Thick, and I’ll show you how a democratically elected national figurehead throws down. When I’m done it’ll take more than a coffee enema to fix you, it will take a miracle.” Continue reading
Filed under International News, Royals
Sarah Palin applauds Sudanese decision to let woman give birth before execution
Anti-abortion, pro-capital punishment ticks all boxes for Sarah
Tea Party poster girl Sarah Palin says the Sudanese Court decision to let a condemned woman give birth before being executed showed the sort of Republican values sadly absent in the United States.
“To see a foreign government so anti-abortion and pro-capital punishment is very pleasing” says Palin. “Apparently Sudan has no food stamps or Obamacare and they love guns too – it sounds like paradise. I might go there for a holiday – I’ve never been to Asia before.”
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Filed under International News, Law and Order
Archaeological find of the century: Obama’s integrity has at last been discovered
Obama in 2008. Wasn’t he just the greatest?
It was believed wrecked and lost forever but now a powerful symbol of what the United States of America can be has been found. Barack Obama’s integrity, something that dazzled the world for a few months in 2008 and 2009 has been discovered by archaeologists buried off the coast of Haiti. Continue reading
Filed under International News
UK set to lose ‘most hated Eurovision country’ title to Russia
After over a decade of dominance in one area of the Eurovision song contest, the United Kingdom looks set to lose its ‘most hated Eurovision country’ title to Russia.
The accolade – which is often associated with the coverted ‘nil points’ – is traditionally awarded to the country the rest of Europe decides has the most trigger happy leader.
Following the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq the UK has been guaranteed the title every year since, but with no troops left in Iraq and withdrawal imminent from Camp Bastion Europe has begun looking elsewhere for its pantomime warmonger.
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Filed under Culture, Europe, International News, News
Everyone invites David Cameron to unveil giant crucifix
Fall crucifix, fall!
A number of welfare recipients say they now realise Cameron really was doing God’s work with his brave programme of benefit cuts teaching them to be self-reliant and entrepreneurial.
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Irish President ‘comes on a bit strong’ in the Royal Chambers
Do that again and one will nut you, do you understand?
What started out as pomp and ceremony and a little light pecking ended in a near-brawl in Buckingham Palace last night after Irish President Michael D Higgins ‘had a bit too much to drink’ and started coming on to the Queen.
Rumours had previously suggested he ‘might try to get in there’ when Scotland moves out, but it seems he could wait no longer to declare himself to Her Majesty.
“Things started getting a little raucous during after-dinner drinks,” said Harold teenager Melanie Delaney (19) who works part-time as a Palace waitress.
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Filed under Dating, Entertainment, International News, Royals
EDL choir surprise passengers on plane with their ‘greatest hits’
Passengers on an EasyJet flight to Magaluf were left shocked and disappointed after cast members from the EDL choir put on an acapella performance of some of their best known hits.
In scenes reminiscent of the Australian cast of Lion King bursting into song to entertain fellow passengers, the group of far-right racists surprised travellers when they suddenly started singing the classic ‘we’re coming, we’re coming’.
“We normally save our voices for our rioting,” one of the baritones in the group explained, “but something about the duty-free alcohol-fuelled flight made us burst into spontaneous song.
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Filed under Culture, International News, Lifestyle
Researchers still unable to determine the point of New Zealand
Following years of research, scientists have conceded defeat and admitted they are unable to determine the point of New Zealand.
“Most countries have a purpose,” Mark Lamms, leader of the research programme said. “A ‘raison d’être’ if you will, like France’s ability to give us pretentious phrases to substitute for English ones. But New Zealand has yet to show us its unique selling point.”
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Sanctions on Himmler and Goebbels fail to deter Hitler from occupation of Poland
Despite the imposition of sanctions on his closest allies, it appears that German leader, Adolf Hitler remains resolute in his insistence that “The Poles had been asking for it for years and now that they had been invaded it was no use squealing and asking for help from a bunch of lily livered do gooders.”
The West’s reaction to the invasion has been powerful. Leaders have condemned the actions in the “strongest terms” and there is talk of ramping up their opposition by not going to the tea party that the Fuhrer had been planning to host, taking their knitting circle to dear dependable Mrs Belgium’s instead.
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USA explains sudden interest in oil-and-diamond rich Uganda
Could it be the wildlife? We’d go miles to see a beast called Lord Derby’s scaly-tailed squirrel too.
A senior official at the US Department of Defense has confirmed that the USA is this week sending a detachment of special forces troops to oil-and-diamond rich Uganda which will also carry out missions in Central African Republic (diamonds, oil and uranium) DR Congo (oil, diamonds, cobalt, uranium and coltan) and South Sudan (oil, so much oil. It has oil like Game of Thrones has plot twists, like Minecraft has blocks, like your mum has sailors. South Sudan has a lot of oil is what we’re trying to say.).
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Missing jet found by dog walker
An elderly dog walker from Harold has found the missing Malaysian jet MH370 with the help of his cocker spaniel Nigel.
68 year old retired teacher Tom Fromley and Nigel were on their morning walk when they made the discovery. “I was just out walking my dog in the middle of the sea when he went running off barking at something. Nigel’s normally well behaved so I wondered what was up with him. Then I looked behind a wave and there was a bloody massive plane there. Imagine my surprise.”
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Missing jet: Malaysia tells China to check Tiananmen Square
After days of enduring Chinese criticism that it is hiding crucial details about missing jet MH370, Malaysia has hit back by suggesting that China look for the jet in Tiananmen Square.
Malaysian officials say Tiananmen Square is the Asian equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle, and seems to mysteriously suck peace-loving people into it without leaving any trace of them behind.
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North Korea elections ‘example of democracy for Ukraine’ claims Kim Jong-un
Here is a picture of all of North Korea's eligable voters casting their vote
North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has waded into the Ukraine debate today, telling the country to look at his own country’s election that took place today as a beacon of democracy. “This is how governments should be decided,” Mr Kim said in a statement to the Ukrainian politicians.
“People voting not with guns and violence, but with their feet, or for those that haven’t had them chopped off, with their hands.” Continue reading
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