Straight from Mr Horse’s mouth
With news that Britain’s economy has surged a teeny, weeny amount, now’s as good a time as any to go and get a job.
With these ten red-hot tips under your skin from former businessman John Horse, that job’s as good as yours. What’s stopping you? Knock that boss dead!
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St. Charles Borromeo, Patron Saint of bishops. Comfort for Bishop McNamee; potential pub quiz winning knowledge for you
The Roman Catholic Bishop of Dunstable has issued ‘a sincere apology’ after recent reports of priestly sexual rummaging. “We have to put our hands up over this truly awful behaviour,” said Bishop Stanislaus McNamee, admitting the church is still struggling to come to terms with news that a local priest has been in a consensual, heterosexual relationship with an unmarried woman from another parish.
The woman has made no complaint and the matter only came to light after the couple were seen spending time together on various activities, including charity work, bird-watching and having a pint of ale at the Squirrel Lickers Arms. McNamee is particularly upset that couple have broken no criminal statute.
“That can’t be right, can it? Why isn’t there a law about this? Clearly we’ll have to have a full enquiry, leaving no stone unturned. However, as things stand – and I know this will be shocking to many in church leadership – it seems their sexual congress routinely involved the use of a penis, a vagina and a condom.” Continue reading
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The only two word combination that signals a higher concentration of mediocrity is Quote Unquote
Harold scientists Rachel Guest and John Goody have today announced that after many years of trials and research they have developed a cure for the Daily Mail.
“The Daily Mail has blighted lives for over a century” said John Goody. “We’re very proud to have beaten this scourge once and for all. Hopefully soon the sidebar of shame, the hideous use of the phrase ‘all-grown up’ to justify sexually objectifying children and a crazed love for declaring that anything, absolutely anything at all, can give you cancer will be just a bad memory.” Continue reading
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Could Harold finally be on the map?
The Squirrel Lickers Arms won the Dunstable and Surrounds “Best Pub” award for the 33rd year in a row though once again rival publicans claim that the vote was rigged, an accusation strenuously denied by the Squirrel Lickers “publican for life” Eddie.
Eddie, who long ago dropped his last name for tax purposes, says he won the award fair and square and his rivals had a bad case of “sour grapes”, which was literally correct as the wine supplies of the competing Felching and Dunstable public houses were mysteriously contaminated.
“I swear on Robert Mugabe’s grave that I didn’t fix the vote” an uncharacteristically emotional Eddie told the Evening Harold. “That the Squirrel Lickers got 120% of the vote speaks for itself – we mean that much to the people of Harold.”
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The device can also warm a brown finger roll.
Harold teenager and would-be entrepreneur seventeen year old Simon Delaney is today facing a lengthy legal battle with the Chinese government over his new invention: a toasted sandwich maker that doubles as a sex toy.
“I read a thing about a bloke who had to call the fire brigade when he got his Rasputin stuck in his toaster and I thought, why would you shag a toaster? Then I after a while I thought, why wouldn’t you? So I designed the perfect machine,” said Delaney. “Only I made it a toasted sandwich maker so you can have a bacon and cheese toastie afterwards or maybe even during. Everything’s better with bacon.” Continue reading
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A bait child practices being attractive to wasps
With just two days to go until the Annual Harold Wasp Festival, organizers are dusting off their tennis racquets and polishing their jam traps.
And thanks to a winter breeding programme in the loft of the local pub, their are hopes that this year could break the 1976 record.
“Back then, we took our seasonal wasp genocide for granted”, explained legendary ‘wasp whisperer’ John Horse. “We downed more than 1,200 of the little buggers before Saturday lunchtime. Barely a bee was bruised but the jaspers were littering the streets. I’ve still got my commemorative rolled-up programme.”
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She doesn’t believe you accidentally fell on the vacuum cleaner nozzle either.
Amid concerns that the NHS’s 111 non-emergency helpline is inadequately staffed and unsafe the village of Harold has replaced it with a freephone number answered by Ruby Butler, 83.
“It’s the perfect system,” said local GP, Clive Evans. “A significant proportion of those who access the NHS are time wasters. Since Ruby’s become the gatekeeper they’ve vanished faster than an X Factor winner’s career.” Continue reading
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Iain Duncan Smith was almost unrecognisable
Duncan Smith said the idea came to him when he visited the Westminster McDonalds and he noticed that none of the employee of the month winners were still working there.
“There they were posing in a photo with a McDonalds uniform, a silly hat, and a forced smile” said Duncan Smith. “Obviously the humiliation of it all meant they soon got another job and left. We thought the same concept could work with beneficiaries.”
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Mister Super Paws: the purrfect speaker. Eh? Eh? Oh please yourselves.
Members of Harold Council were left red-faced after trying to liven their last meeting up by holding it in true House of Commons style.
“It was a hot night and we were all a bit bored,” said Eileen Remnant, Chair of the Planning Committee. “So we thought we’d have a some fun and pretend to be real politicians.”
In the absence of a Speaker quick-thinking council members secured the services of Mister Super Paws, the village’s favourite kitten, who was content to sit on a chair in exchange for a tied-up handkerchief full of catnip. Once in place council members began their debate over recycling bins in the manner that MPs would. Continue reading
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Harold became the first village in Britain to actively encourage Romanian gypsies after its council voted to fund a makeshift campsite on Harold Common. However, any thoughts that Harold was now a haven for tolerance quickly subsided after the council also legalised gypsy hunting. Continue reading
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Judges currently favouring single-sided entries
Organisers of the Harold Booker Literary prize have been accused of ‘dumbing down’, after the longlist was revealed to contain nothing thicker than a pamphlet.
With the label from a shampoo bottle being amongst the selected few, some think the list is just a collection of things Ron Ronsson reads while he’s sat on the toilet.
“Not a bit of it”, said Ronsson, clutching a packet of tampons. “All of the entrants are here purely on merit. And with 13 of the buggers to read before August, did you really expect us to squeeze in a novel?”
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The cynical expression of someone who doesn’t give a rat’s arse about the Prince of Cambridge. That’s because she cares about real issues, sheeple. She cares.
In an emergency session this morning Harold council changed village law to allow the slapping of anti-Royal statistics bores.
“Something had to be done,” said Mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “Since eight thirty last night a small minority of Haroldites have been intent on implying that anyone who is happy that Kate’s finally had it, and is enjoying a diversion from the normal god-awful depressing news is an idiot. So now we’ve changed the law to allow ordinary Haroldites to very mildly make their displeasure known.” Continue reading
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David Cameron’s expected announcement that all UK internet providers will block access to pornography has sparked a panic amongst men across the country, all trying to come up with a genuine-sounding reason for asking for it to be unblocked.
Any new customers will automatically have family-friendly filters enabled and existing customers will be contacted and asked to decide whether to activate filters or not.
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Ha. Haha. Hahahahahaha.
A newsagents in Harold has reported a 200-fold increase in orders for antipodean newspapers with miserable-looking sports failures on the front.
Before Thursday, Derek Evans rarely sold a copy of the Sydney Sports Echo, and Oz Cricket Monthly had been banned by the council. But following England’s success in cricket, bicycles and Wimbledon, owning such a periodical is now virtually compulsory.
“This is a good one”, said Evans, holding up a copy of the Wollagaloo Sporting Gazette. “You can see some phlegm on Watson’s face, where Clarke has been shouting ‘you have my full support’ at it.”
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If your partner can’t be arsed to listen to you, why should she?
Cashiers at the Harold branch of Tesco Express are begging their manager to put an end to the practise that sees them forced to ask every single customer how they are.
“It’s horrible,” said one shell-shocked worker who asked to remain anonymous. “Everyone knows that when someone behind a till asks you that question you either ignore it or grunt out a one-word answer but not here. I don’t know what’s wrong with everyone, except I do, and in the most harrowing detail.” Continue reading
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Smith was a COUS: a comedian of unusual skill
Although his connection with Harold is tenuous – he once popped into The Squirrel Lickers for directions and then popped back in half an hour later even more lost due to Eddie’s eccentric interpretation of such concepts as left and right – villagers are today remembering with fondness the comedian, writer and director Mel Smith who has died aged sixty. Continue reading
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Mardi Gras or Mardy Bum?
Villagers in Harold are being asked to keep an eye on vulnerable neighbours who might be tempted to carnival in sweltering temperatures.
With the mercury rising and the sun beating down, some members of the community could be tempted to make the most of the weather. But Councillor Ron Ronsson warned against such infuriatingly continental behaviour, and urged residents to maintain a stiff upper lip.
“The elderly and the young are at the greatest risk of making the most of this weather”, insisted Ronsson. “Because the rest of us are stuck working in the office. But while al fresco dining and lively music might seem a good idea at first, I’ve got one word for you all: ‘wasps’.”
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Rowling ‘inspired’ by legendary top shelf.
Regulars at a local pub have insisted they have ‘nothing but praise’ for a secret bar tab set up by author JK Rowling. The tab, which runs to some 20 or so pages, reveals a lot about what the woman puts into herself and what she left behind noisily by the bins.
Eddie, landlord at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms, is normally reluctant to offer credit. But with only one good eye and a foul murky fug obscuring the Snug, he’d assumed the stranger sat in front of him was Helen Mirren.
“Even the Salvation Army woman in Harold is a borderline alcoholic, so I’m used to watching people putting a few away”, said Eddie. “But when she knocked back her 15th pint of ‘Butterbeer’, which was basically Vermouth, Lurpak and Baileys, I knew there was something magical about her.”
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Experts believe they’ve found the origin of an ancient calendar, after deciphering a price tag on the back.
Villager Gill Gates discovered the calendar buried amongst ritual items, in a box marked ‘Christmas’ in her loft.
“When I dusted this fascinating object down, I realised I was looking at one of the earliest methods of recording time”, said Gates. “It even predates the controversial one my grandfather kept in his kitchen; the one with an image of a tennis girl, idly scratching at her arse.”
At first, Gates believed the calendar was from late Plastocenic period: a simpler time when the tv channels didn’t broadcast during the day. “It could have been carved from materials at hand, and then decorated using poster paints”, suggested Gates. “It’s just the sort of thing that could have been knocked up in a shed.”
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Parents in Harold have reacted angrily to the news that they will no longer be allowed to pack cigarettes in their children’s lunch boxes.
For generations, schoolkids in Harold have looked forward to the lunch-time bell, and the little treats tucked away for ‘after their sandwiches’. A couple of Woodbines, a miniature bottle of scotch, or a horse valium to get them through a hard afternoon’s colouring-in.
Melody Hallett was one of the first to complain about the latest excess of a ‘nanny state’, despite not having any children to worry about.
“It wouldn’t have been a school dinner without a filter tip for dessert”, said Hallet. “We used to love tucking into one after we’d choked down the main course. But now, kids aren’t even allowed to pick the magic mushrooms that grow on the school field. Is it any wonder so many of them look bored?”
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