Tag Archives: syria

Emily Thornberry: “Monkey pilots, flying space-buggies, must go to Syria”

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“Ooh, look. The Tooth Fairy!”

Emily Thornberry has followed her calls for UK cargo drone and gps-guided parachute deployment in Syria, with a plea for “the RAF’s squadrons of monkey-driven space-buggies to be used in the cause of peace”.

“We should look at all options,” she says “including impossibilities and those based on imaginary resources.” Continue reading

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Russia credits “clear air superiority over hospitals” for recent victories

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Hospital porters are no match for this puppy

Sergey Lavrov says Russia now has the upper hand in its fight against international aid workers in Aleppo.

“Frankly, Médecins Sans Frontières just didn’t turn up for the last one – it’s as if they know their un-sterilised scalpels are no match for our Su-34 strike aircraft.”

They’re ‘big men’ in their fancy operating theatres but not so high and mighty when 327 Squadron with Hospital-Buster ordnance turns that cosy scene into a theatre of war. Hah, pussies!” Continue reading

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Syrians ask for national flags on bombs so they know who to thank

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Morning!

Grateful but confused Syrians say national flags painted on bombs would make it easier to work out which liberating power to thank.

“We just can’t keep up with all the different countries that are sharing their bombs with us. It’s like when you don’t save the little cards on present wrapping-paper” said multiple bomb recipient Hamza Ali.

“A flag painted on the bomb would make it so much easier. Perhaps even design them so they whistle your national anthem as they help clear away our superfluous hospitals and schools.”
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Syria bombing stepped up to protect Leytonstone

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Too close for comfort

Following the terrorist knife attack in Leytonstone, Prime Minister David Cameron has vowed to increase the number of Syrian bombing raids “until East London is safe again”.

Police were called to reports of people being attacked at Leytonstone around 19:00 on Saturday. The knifeman reportedly shouted “this is for Syria”. The police have not yet been able to work out what might have motivated the violence.

In a statement to the press, the Prime Minister explained: “This is exactly why we need to bomb Syria more often. What hope is there of stopping these terrible incidents at home unless we flatten a country far, far away?”

“By killing innocent civilians in our futile show of strength, we will doubtless cause these extremists in Britain to give up their fight.”

“We’ll probably gain lots of friends everywhere, too.”

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WAR – this time it’s different, explains Cameron

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Not this time, says Dave!

The government has explained that the decision to flatten Syria will not cause any of the disastrous problems usually associated with this sort of thing.

Anti-war campaigners, innocent Syrian people and other terrorist sympathisers had pleaded desperately that the inevitiable outcome of bombing would be a hellish nightmare on Earth, but these concerns have now been addressed directly by Prime Minister David Cameron. Continue reading

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Rousing bombing display by Red Arrows heals parliamentary rift

red arrows

Oooh! Aaaah! Aaaargh!

The first sortie against Daesh forces in Syria has been applauded across all parties, after it was completed by the Red Arrows streaming patriotic smoke.

The world-famous display team drew croweds of admirers, before accidentally killing a family of seven while flying in the diamond formation.

But the survivors really enjoyed the bit where they flew at each other and swerved at the last minute; “My mum would have loved that”, gasped one survivor, “if she hadn’t been blown up a few seconds earlier.”
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100% of Syrians vote to be not bombed

imageThe people of Syria have voted emphatically not to be massacred in a bloodthirsty bombing campaign, it was announced this morning.

Rather than restrict the vote to members of parliament, it was felt that the actual people who would be dying in the rubble ought to also have a say. Turnout was high, at 100%.

The referendum asked the simple question: “Do you want to be massacred by an ill-conceived show of Western indiscriminate aggression? (Yes or No).”

Voting seems to have been remarkably consistent across the sexes and age groups, with 100% of women under 30 voting “NO”, exactly the same figure as men over 80, children under 13, and indeed absolutely everybody else.

“It’s as if they didn’t want to be killed by bombing,” complained UK Prime Minister David Cameron today. “If you ask me, these results seem very suspicious – I find it hard to believe that no-one wanted to die in a mangled heap of concrete and metal. Really, Syria? No-one?”

Others criticised the Syrians for their naive grasp of defense policy, questioning whether the population had really thought this through from a global perspective.

“This decision is selfish in the extreme,” insisted Geoffrey Sang, spokesman for UK arms company BAE Systems. “If these people had any consideration whatsoever of my kitchen extension plans, they would have voted very differently. Well, on their own heads be it. Or not, annoyingly.”

A spokesperson for the “NO” campaign expressed little surprise at the outcome, saying: “We don’t want to die. It’s pretty simple. Death, no thanks. Dying, not any. Do you get it yet?”

“We’re pretty sure that this will now be the end of the matter – we’ve decided and that’s that.”

“You’d have to be a bit of a cunt to bomb us anyway, wouldn’t you?”

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BBC to remake the classic 1979 Election Special.

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The atmosphere was electric. Probably all the nylon.

Following the successful remake of 1970’s classics such as The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, Poldark and a militant left wing Labour Party, the BBC has announced that it is to reboot the 1979 BBC Election special as a 10 part serial. Continue reading

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Cameron ‘can’t learn lessons from Chilcot yet’

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“Votes, lovely votes. I’ll count the votes in…”

David Cameron’s main concern about the Chilcot report delay is being unable to learn its lessons.

“I mean, I can’t actually see a problem in launching air attacks in Syria” mused the PM to close friends today “But without Chilcot, it’s just impossible to know what might go wrong.”

“Then there’s the plus side. To see RAF jets – not the Red Arrows, proper ones – in action… ‘I counted them all out and I counted them all back’… Continue reading

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Syrians grateful so many countries are bombing them to freedom

bombing

Free at last.

Grateful Syrians have spoken of their relief that so many friendly bombs are now blasting them towards peace.

“A few weeks ago, Assad was bombing us from the air and ISIL was shooting us on the ground”, said local resident Haja Zanubiya.

“But now it is the Russians and Americans bombing us, and the Iranians cutting us down with their bullets. It’s such a blessed relief, I’m not sure who to thank first.”

Zanubiya described how her husband, two of her children and most of the local neighbourhood were liberated yesterday by a laser-guided missile that freed a school and most of the nearby bakery.
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Relief as migrants start heading south for the winter.

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Who do you think you’re kidding?

European leaders have expressed their relief as hundreds of thousands of foreign migrants began the long trip south to their winter asylum seeking quarters. Continue reading

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UK men in Syria drone death ‘were actually on EasyJet trip to Prague’

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A coach transfer to your hotel may be necessary

EasyJet has apologised after it emerged that the supposed UK militants killed by a drone attack  in Syria this week were merely on a stag do in the Czech Republic, and had just landed at the airline’s ‘South Prague’ airport, which happens to be near the Syrian/Lebanese border.

The rolling, once-fertile Hawran Plateau south of Damascus might seem a strange choice for those heading to Eastern Europe, but the airline was adamant that customers are well aware that some of the airports on its routes involve a coach transfer to their final destination.

“In this case, to reach downtown Prague from our airport of choice would involve a simple taxi or coach trip, followed by an arduous journey being smuggled into Europe by ruthless people smugglers,” explained an EasyJet spokesperson this morning. Continue reading

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Refugees to be shipped to UK in David Cameron’s forehead.

Dave Headroom

Room for one thousand more on top.

David Cameron’s forehead is to be sent to the Syrian border camps to collect the 20,000 additional refugees the UK government has agreed to let live.

Aid agencies had been struggling to find a vessel large enough and empty enough to transport the refugees, and have welcomed the use of Mr Cameron’s forehead while he’s not using it. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Children, Civil rights, Europe, Save The Children, Society, Travel, Uncategorized

British-born jihadists using Syria as a tax haven

Opening a tax return form from HMRC HMRC has waded into the war on terrorism claiming that many of the British-born jihadists are basing themselves in Syria as part of a global tax dodging scheme.

“Fundraising for IS, al-Qaeda or Boko Haram is not only morally wrong, but by moving their jihadi activity offshore they are effectively robbing the treasury of some much-needed revenue,” the Taxpayers’ Alliance said

“How can we stop radicalisation if these terrorists aren’t paying their dues?”
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Arms companies welcome airdrop of guns and ammo in the global fight against falling sales

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Arms companies have welcomed America’s decision to supply guns and ammunition to Kurdish fighters.

There were concerns that a lack of ‘boots on the ground’ would see sales of arms reaching pre-Iraq levels.

“At the moment the world is fighting two wars,” a spokesman for arms dealers explained. “One against Ebola, and one against ISIS.

“Sadly you can’t bomb the hell out of Ebola, no matter how often we suggest it, so we are relying on a prolonged war against ISIS to help give us world peace and a decent Christmas bonus.

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Nobel Peace Prize winner announces plans to bomb Syria and Iraq

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He likes big bombs and he cannot lie…

In a televised address last night Barack Obama announced his Bombing for Peace plan. Revealing he means to defeat Isis and bring stability to Syria and Iraq by using the mass application of deadly violence. Over the years Obama has become ever more hawkish in his foreign policy and is now the kind of man who if you asked him if he liked bombs and drone strikes would reply “yes, I really like bombs and drone strikes” and give himself a little hug just at the mere mention of them. Continue reading

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Crackdown on wannabe Syria fighters makes first high-profile arrest. PM in custody

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MI5 have started a government-backed crackdown on any UK citizen wishing to go to Syria to fight in the war against the Assad regime by launching a dawn raid at an address in Central London and arresting prime minister David Cameron.

“We have been looking through footage of our suspect talking of sending more fighters into region than any jihadist could hope to recruit,” MI5 head Andrew Parker said.

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Village becomes UK’s first Tony Blair exclusion zone

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Tony Blair: massive threat to both village productivity and world peace

The village of Harold has declared itself the UK’s first Tony Blair exclusion zone after it was determined that he was having an adverse effect on productivity.

“We’ve lost countless working hours to Tony Blair,” said Harold’s mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “Every time he’s on the radio, TV or in the press pontificating about this, trying to start another war over that, people are unable to concentrate on their jobs as they have to vent about his hypocrisy and greed.” Continue reading

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‘Stop comparing everything to Syria you bell-end’ say acquaintances of local bell-end

sad faceA local reaction-seeker has been urged to stop mentioning Syria in ripostes to every single problem villagers bring up in conversation.

From subsidence to flooding, from car breakdowns to dogs with impacted anal glands, every grumble is directly compared by Allan Hostage to the situation in Homs.

“Thanks to the storms, my house has flooded for the first time in 60 years”, said pensioner Elsie Duggan. “At my age, it’s a difficult thing to go through.”

“But when I mentioned it in Sally’Z Cut’z while she was topping up my blue rinse, Hostage appeared from nowhere and said ‘it was nothing compared with the plight of the Syrian people’.”
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Syria peace talks breakthrough – both sides agree Blair can sod off

The fist of history biffs Blair in the face

The fist of history biffs Blair in the face

It seemed impossible but after only seven days of intensive talks at UN Geneva Headquarters there was unilateral agreement after both sides agreed that UN peace envoy, Tony Blair, should keep his nose out of the peace talks.

Waiting press were first alerted to the possibility of a surprise announcement when a UN aide hurried out the building, returning a few minutes later clutching a glasses and a magnum of champagne. This was enough to baffle seasoned observers, but when news leaked out that Tony Blair may have been at the centre of things, there was widespread disbelief that his involvement could have had such a positive effect.

UN mediator, Lakhdar Brahimi, explained how the historic breakthrough was achieved. Continue reading

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