Tag Archives: football

Never mind all that, there’s a guy called ‘Tokyo Sexwale’!

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Tokyo Sexwale (artist’s impression)

Citizens of the world should ignore their insignificant troubles and rejoice in the fact that there is a man in South Africa called ‘Tokyo Sexwale’, the Evening Harold has learned.

Tokyo Sexwale, the man with the best name in the universe, is the South African candidate in the upcoming FIFA presidential elections.

In case this hasn’t fully sunken in, his name is TOKYO SEXWALE.

SEXWALE…

Tokyo is a mining tycoon and former anti-apartheid campaigner, but these things which would usually be interesting fade into the background next to the fact that his name is ‘Sexwale’.

“His parents, Mr and Mrs Sexwale, are to be greatly applauded for resisting the temptation to name him ‘Brian’,” explained Evening Harold sporting editor Piers Waghorn. “We can only assume they had been reading a lot of Douglas Adams, and the only surprise is that Tokyo’s middle name isn’t ‘Vroomfondel’.”

Charitable people have suggested that the ‘Tokyo’ is merely an attempt by the parents to distract people who meet their son from noticing his surname, but this theory fails to account for the frankly massive cojones of the Sexwales, who clearly didn’t give a damn what anyone thought.

FIFA voters have admitted that they aren’t actually all that bothered about the corruption thing any more, provided they can have a ‘Tokyo Sexwale’ T-shirt.

Realising too late that an outrageous name was a sure way to be voted FIFA president, one of the other candidates has decided to be called “Jerome Champagne”, but this potentially interesting name is nothing when placed alongside the mighty Tokyo Vroonfondel Sexwale.

 

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Liverpool announce signing of fan prepared to pay £77 for a seat

daniel-sturridge_withball

Transferred from Chelsea, now steal balls to make ends meet

Liverpool FC agreed to a transfer deal with Chelsea to sign a marque fan who is happy to pay £77 for a seat.

Liverpool commercial director Ian Ayre said the signing of London stockbroker Gavin Edwards for a fan record transfer fee of £2000 was a key step in strengthening their £77 seat capacity.

“We lack depth in the £77 seat area, Continue reading

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BBC retains rights to pocket billiards

Lineker warming up.

Lineker, wearing his helmet.

In a coup for the corporation, the BBC has managed to beat off some stiff competition, and retain the rights to pocket billiards.

Despite facing the loss of football, Formula 1, rugby, cricket, MotoGP, the boat race, the Grand National, darts and snooker, pocket billiards remains firmly in Auntie’s grasp.

“They’ve asked me to do they commentary”, said Gary Lineker, while jingling some change.”It’s not my speciality, but I think I can pull it off.”
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Corbyn opposes ‘shoot on sight’ policy for England football team

rooneyJeremy Corbyn has appealed to Wayne Rooney not to shoot on sight this evening but to attempt to coax the ball in with reason and dialogue first.

Corbyn favours peaceful resolution of international disputes, whether in Northern Ireland, the Middle East, or the dreary north-London suburb of Wembley.

Arbitrary time limits don’t help though, he said.”To build trust takes much longer than 90 minutes, and both of the teams and the innocent ball should be prepared to stay on until the weekend, maybe longer.”

“A well-known technique in the process is the use of various trust games.” explained the 2015 Labour leader. “One participant might, say, guide a blindfolded colleague round an obstacle course; so, very useful for Joe Hart.”

Corbyn outlined how other exercises can then move things on to a higher level. “Team-building exercises are especially helpful and might involve, say, building a log raft or engaging in some form of co-operative sport. Possibly volleyball or football”.

 

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Village chubster ‘buoyed’ that exercise doesn’t reduce weight

fishandchipsHarold’s fattest man, Billy McKean, has welcomed today’s news that physical activity does not reduce obesity.

The British Journal of Sports Medicine says it’s time to “bust the myth” about exercise.

Most Villagers will know that McKean starred in the TV documentary ‘Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog’ and has himself done extensive research.

“If they’d only asked me first” says Billy “I could have saved them a lot of time. Are you going to eat all those chips?”

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English invent the new sport of being English – England lose first game

Prince Harry's choice of kit didn't go down well

Prince Harry’s choice of kit didn’t go down well

With the sporting world being dominated by sports invented by the English but won by everyone else, the English have invented a new game in the hope it is one only they can win; the new sport of being English.

Sadly England lost the inaugural game, going down to a 134-0 defeat amid some questionable tactical decisions.

Leading the England forward attack were Prince William and Hugh Grant, two players considered to be the embodiment of Englishness.

Sadly the game was lost when these two giants in the game started talking in German from the first whistle

The team’s manager, Queen Elizabeth couldn’t hide her frustration from the touchline and was heard to shout to her players “was machst du?”

Speaking at her post match press conference, QE2 told reporters: “By speaking German they lost us the game. Obviously the rules state you need to speak perfect English, with more points awarded the more plums you have in your mouth.

“But speaking another language isn’t in the rules of being English. We tried to win the game back by having Steve McClaren come on and start speaking to foreigners in English but with a bad foreign accent and a slightly raised voice, but the game was already lost.”

England’s chances had already taken a blow before the match had even started. Typical English Tory toff Jacob Rees-Mogg was due to be playing the vital midfield dynamo role but sent his Swiss nanny on instead.

The support from the fans was also disappointing from an English point of view. Known for following the England football team in a traditional brassy way, the England Supporters Band turned up to get behind the team. Although confusion set in when they substituted ‘The Great Escape’ for the French national anthem played on vuvuzelas.

A last minute attempt to win the game came as everyone on the England team indulged in a round of binge drinking, throwing up, and fighting each other for no apparent reason, but sadly this all came after the final whistle and outside the stadium.

Unfortunately, things don’t look good for the future of England in the new sport of being English. Losing this inaugural game so emphatically can only be a bad omen seeing as they didn’t yet have an opponent.

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Injury hit Man Utd set to recall Giggs, Charlton and …… Best?

New boy Charlton is presented with his shirt

New boy Charlton is presented with his shirt

With at least 20 players crocked or hopeless, new manager Louis Van Gaal admitted that Manchester United’s injury crisis has meant some radical rethinking prior to this weekend’s match against West Ham.

As well as the inevitable call up from retirement for stalwart Ryan Giggs, the Dutchman with the Tefal head seems to have overheated his vast brain with his latest comments at the regular Friday press conference.

“Yes, we had to recall Giggs,” he said. “Ryan is fit as he ever was, and still works at his game which he proved last night when he made a pass at my wife.” Continue reading

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Pack of braying media leeches ‘fear for Paul Gascoigne’s health’

 

Gazza thought the flashing lights when he went out in the morning were to do with his drinking

Gascoigne didn’t realise his blurred vision wasn’t always due to drinking

Paparazzi have asked fans to pray for the recovery of Paul Gascoigne (48 colummn inches).

He was papped earlier this week looking hagard, belying his ability to still shift papers.

The footballing legend is being treated in hospital for a serious illness, which many people feel entitled to be informed about and then make judgements upon.

A worried jackal, Brian (300mm, f stop 5.7), spoke from the scrum outside the hospital ‘I really hope he’s not drinking that gin I gave him, at least not all of it. I bought an appartment on the Algarve thanks to Gazza, and I really owed him one.’

Concerned vampire Simon (50mm, mainly portrait work) agreed. ‘I got him to agree to an exclusive tomorrow, if he makes it through the night. But I also spoke with Geoff, a former team mate (pundit rates, less 10% for cash) who agreed I can make up some quotes for him to say, so I’m covered whatever the outcome.’ Continue reading

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England fans despair as team vows ‘we’ll meet all expectations’

despondency

“And then, after the penalties, I usually slump my shoulders like this”

At a press briefing at Luton Airport on Sunday, Roy Hodgson confirmed younger England players are being taken to the World Cup primarily to get used to losing.

”Some have lost with their clubs at home and at European level: now they must do so on the World stage if they want to earn a long-term England place.”

Sadly, others are still hungry for success “You can see it in their eyes: they positively radiate passion, belief and hope. And it’s my job, together with Stevie [team captain, Gerrard], to snuff that out.” Continue reading

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FIFA to investigate Nigeria goalkeeper for ‘bringing corruption into disrepute’

20140529-094353-35033328.jpgFifa has announced it is to investigate Nigerian goalkeeper, Austin Ejide, after he appeared to throw the ball into his own net during a friendly game with Scotland. He is to be charged with being so blatant he ‘brought corruption into disrepute’.

Speaking from his penthouse suite in a five-star hotel in Qatar, Sepp Blatter said corruption in football was “a fine art that only a very few at the top can master.”

“The way he threw the ball into his own net was an embarrassment,” Blatter explained. “Even the referee disallowed it out of sympathy and to try and give him another go at it.”

“Russia and Qatar wouldn’t have World Cups if they had just given us brown envelopes in front of the cameras, would they?

“Ok, maybe they would but the point is they didn’t. They were much more subtle.”

It was not only the obvious attempt to throw the ball into his own goal that have brought corruption into disrepute during the game.

Suspicions were aroused when he stepped up to take a penalty. The Scotland players tried to tell him he should be attempting to save it but he was adamant he would score. And he would have, had he not still had his boot laces tied together.

His teammates appeared to be unhappy with his blatant attempts to throw the game.

Nigeria defender Azubuike Egwuekw said: “It was embarrassing. I told him to get a grip, but he said he couldn’t, especially not with all the butter he had spread on his gloves.

“Eventually though he changed them, calmed down and let me score a less suspicious own goal. He really could have let the team down.”

Blatter has said that should Austin Ejide be found guilty of bringing corruption into disrepute he will be banned from playing the sport and serving on the Fifa board in the future. Either that or a fine of 500,000USD in used notes delivered to Mr Blatter directly.

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Super-Rich List fallout: Chelsea to sack Abramovich?

mourinhoabramovic

“Spare change? Sorry mate, no.”

Chelsea fans have called for the sacking of Roman Abramovich, after a string of poor performances in the Sunday Times UK Super-Rich list.

“It’s got harder holding our heads high at the Bridge, since he dropped down the ‘How much?’ rankings,” complained fan Roger Brendan. Continue reading

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England players: ‘little time now left ‘ to avoid World Cup draft

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“Psst. Stop limping Phil, it’s your shoulder that’s injured.”

Many English Premiership footballers have only one game left in which to plan and suffer a devastating injury.

The prize at stake is missing the national team’s humiliation in Brazil and enjoying a long lazy summer with their cash and other close friends.

Arsenal’s Theo Walcott submitted a sick note as long ago as January, confirming his status as a true visionary in the eyes of his fans. Continue reading

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David Moyes sacked: Will spend next 12 months being honoured for his work by every other club

Manchester City unveil new statue to commemorate Moyes' achievements at United

Manchester City unveil new statue to commemorate Moyes’ achievements at United

With the confirmation coming out of Old Trafford that David Moyes has been sacked as Manchester United manager, the other 91 clubs in the football league have already announced plans for testimonials to thank him for the work he has done in the last few months.

Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinio are just two of the managers that have spent years trying to knock Manchester United from the top two of the Premier League, However David Moyes has shown what a quality manager he is by doing the job in less than a year.

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Transfer deadline day excitement leads to public panic buying footballers

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With football’s transfer deadline day upon us again, the whole country waits with bated breath to see who multi-millionaire footballers will be employed by tomorrow. But this year’s deadline day coverage is expected to reach such excitable levels there are fears that the public may start panic buying footballers.

“I watched Sky Sports News’ coverage for four hours this morning,” Simon Delaney, Harold resident and proud new owner of three Premier League players told us.

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Football Legend ‘sort-of’ remembered by those who didn’t know him

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Italy’s ‘Black Pearl’ played for Chelsea United for many years

Next Saturday, Harold Thursday will pay its own unique tribute to footballing legend Eusébio da Silva Ferreira, known to soccer fans worldwide simply as ‘Silva’, who died over the weekend.  Club Chairman, William ‘Supermack’ McKean explained “As soon as a few spectators arrive, there will be a ten minute rolling silence; except at the refreshment counter, which will be kept open as a mark of respect. We’ve got mince pies on two-for-one. Or three-for-two, if they’re still before the sell-by date.” Continue reading

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Millions now claiming they ‘always hated Man U’

From the 2014 'Moyes Looking Upset' calendar

From the 2014 ‘Moyes Looking Upset’ calendar

Back-to-back losses in the Premier League, a lacklustre win against travel-weary Ukrainian opponents in the Champions League, closer to the relegation zone than the top of the table – you would think there has never been a better time to hate Manchester United – But that’s the problem, say dedicated Manchester United hater groups, as the internet drowns in amateur Man U mockers quick to join in the sneering season.

“It’s easy to mock them when they’re losing 1-0 at Stoke on a rainy Wednesday night, but where were these Johnny-come-lately misery hunters when Man United were winning everything?” moaned one die-hard hater on The Manchester United Haters Club Facebook page. “They don’t even know the basics like writing ‘ManUre’ in blogs to show you hate them”

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Manchester United crisis deepens as glory supporters put in transfer request

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After a week he would rather forget, Manchester United boss, David Moyes, will be feeling more pressure this morning following rumours the club’s glory supporters have put in a transfer request.

The fans, many of whom joined the club after the treble winning season in 1999 seem to have taken the same route as striker Robin Van Persie and are looking for a move away from Old Trafford at the first sign of mediocrity.

“I’ve supported the team for every single year of my life, since ’99, and have been to Old Trafford on at least three separate occasions” glory supporter, Bill Treadwell told us.

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Mike Riley to spend rest of life on phone apologising for refereeing decisions

See this Mike? Get used to it, because you'll be spending a lot of time together

See this Mike? Get used to it, because you’ll be spending a lot of time together

After apologising to both West Brom and Sunderland for decisions that have gone against them in recent weeks, referee’s chief Mike Riley is now resigned to spending the majority of the rest of his life on the phone apologising to people.

West Brom manager, Steve Clarke, revealed that he had received a phone call from Riley apologising for the controversial penalty that cost his side a win at Stamford Bridge recently. Next on Riley’s list was Sunderland boss, Gus Poyet, who got a call to discuss Wes Brown’s wrongful dismissal last weekend. With the current standard of refereeing, and another round of Premier League fixtures coming up, Riley has been shopping around for a new deal on his mobile contract in anticipation of spending a lot of time on the phone. Continue reading

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England 0 – Germany 1 : Full match report

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England Vs Germany is one of the oldest football rivalries in football, so even though this game was a friendly, for the fans it means so much more. For the officials however, it is a game that needed to be handled sensitively which is why although it was all supposed to kick off between 19:39 and 19:45, they opted for a less controversial time of 20:00.

Wearing their traditional white strip, England kicked off against a Germany in green and white. England started well despite playing the first 5 minutes with ITV pundit Andy Townsend on the right. This misunderstanding was soon corrected and he was replaced with the intended Andros Townsend, which was a shame as Andros’s punditry was of a much higher standard than Andy’s

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Wet weather ‘linked to vaping’ claims local man

vaper

Way cooler than smoke rings.

The current spate of early morning mists, turning foggy later, followed by torrential downpours across much of Britain is directly proportional to the recent upsurge in the number of people vaping.  That was the stark warning today from Harold’s newest resident, ‘observational climatologist’ Mike Anderson.

Mike spends his day ‘hanging round and commenting on the weather’.  He is the author of ‘British Weather, An Introduction’ and his latest research centres round a noticeable increase in the number of people vaping, measured against general wetness.  ‘It is just a theory at this stage,’ he said, ‘but so was Higgs boson.’
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