Tag Archives: Crime

Paul Manafort sentenced to being poked with the soft cushions

After being found guilty of bank and tax fraud uncovered during the investigation into Russian election interference, Paul Manafort, the former chairman of Donald Trump’s campaign, has been sentenced to being poked with the soft cushions.

Manafort sat still in a wheelchair and betrayed little emotion as the US district judge TS Ellis of the eastern district of Virginia pronounced the sentence, which will be partially offset by several cushion pokes already received.

The sentence seems far more lenient than federal sentencing guidelines, which call for 19 to 24 years in prison for these types of crimes.

However, Judge Ellis described the guidelines as “excessive” and “out of whack”, saying Manafort had no prior criminal history, had lived “an otherwise blameless life”, and was a nice white man.

Critics have pointed to a possible disparity in severity of sentencing, given that a young black man was yesterday sentenced to death by nuclear explosion after committing the relatively minor crime of “looking at a policeman in a funny way.”

Ellis was quick to refute that Manafort’s sentence was in any way unduly light, telling reporters that cushion poking can be extremely unpleasant, depending on the cushion, and he had in any case instructed his staff to make sure that “all the stuffing was up one end”.

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Police cuts aren’t linked to rising crime so Amber Rudd gives up her own security officers

“The less I know, the better I like it. Don’t bother me with facts.”

“I was sitting at my desk with my fingers in my ears and my eyes shut as usual, when I had an epiphany” said the Home Secretary today. “Like when I decided to have rich parents, it was a no-brainer. With no link between police numbers and crime it didn’t make sense for me to have armed officers ‘protecting me’ 24/7, so I asked Cressida Dick to move them to other duties. The Downing Street coppers are going next week and traffic police by the end of June.”

Rudd has a no-nonsense approach to work, born out of her down-with-the-kids schooling at Cheltenham Ladies’ College. Although she went on to read History at University, Rudd believes learning from the experience of others is futile. “No, I much prefer to learn from my own foolish Continue reading

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Office violence in Harold as ‘Best Ever Xmas Hits’ CD repeats for the 100th time.

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Peace on you.

With only 3 days of December gone, violent episodes in offices and shops across the village have begun to soar as Christmas CD repeat plays hit intolerable levels.

Emergency services have reported a jump in the number of stapler based injuries and Dunstable hospital is calling for more blood donors following a spate of viscious paper cuts. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Christmas, Crime, music, News, Society

Theresa May unveils plans to personally come and tut at you if you view porn online

You disgust me

You disgust me

New surveillance laws will see Theresa May turn up at your house, tut and shake her head disapprovingly if you have been looking at porn online.

The Home Secretary has unveiled the latest plans in the Commons today after initial proposals for her to follow you to work yelling “Pervert!” at the top of her voice were blocked by the Lib Dems. Continue reading

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Health scare at Harold knitting circle as members found to have been sharing needles.

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Just say No

Future meetings of the Harold knitting circle have been cancelled following an outbreak of Hepatitis B among the group. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Dr. Evans' Casebook, Drugs, Fashion, Health, Law and Order, Lifestyle, Medicine, Police

Harold Dog Rescue needs more dogs. Can you help?

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Luckily, Rose Lee had 40 surplus dogs available

Fairly popular local animal charity, Harold Dog Rescue, is appealing for urgent financial help, following a break-in over last weekend.

“When I woke up on Monday morning, I was horrified to find that all forty dogs had been nicked” said centre manager Alison Lee, who was only appointed last month. “The very worst thing is that our well-meaning elderly and retired volunteers now have nothing to do. So as an emergency measure, we decided to buy in some new stock.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Law and Order, News, Pets

Justin Bieber album charged with assaulting driver

shite

Public are advised to avoid the album at all costs.

An album by Justin Bieber is facing prosecution after inflicting itself on an innocent driver.

The disparate collection of mp3 tracks, known collectively as ‘Believe’, caused the driver to deliberately drive into a wall.

“I was heading down the A34 minding my own business, doing the ‘steering wheel drums’ to a track by Bruce Springsteen”, said the victim, Derek Handley.

“Suddenly there was a terrible pain in my ears and my vision was clouded by a red mist. I’d been set upon by a youth, probably Bieber or One Direction”, said Handley.

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Filed under Crime, Culture, Showbusiness

BBC implicated in Ronnie Biggs ‘apparent death’ publicity scam

Biggs - pictured shortly after his 'death'

Biggs – pictured shortly after his ‘death’

The authenticity of the news of the death of Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has been surrounded by mystery since the announcement of his demise so neatly ties in with the BBC mini-series screening of a drama about the ‘so called’ Great Train Robbery.

Having been released from prison on ‘compassionate grounds’, Biggs’ remarkable recovery from ‘death’s door’ in 2009 was bound to raise speculation that his current ‘death’ was no more than another publicity scam for one final payday from the BBC. Continue reading

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Private prison catchment area sees criminals lying to get admittance

The brochure describes the prison pool as one of the finest in the UK

The brochure describes the prison pool as one of the finest in the UK

With the education system bringing a larger gap in quality between private and state schools, the privatisation of prisons has seen a record numbers of criminal families going to increasing lengths to get their kin into Dunstable’s private prison operated by G4S, as opposed to other local state alternatives.

We have found people using false addresses, lying about siblings who are already in the prison and even impersonating family members in an attempt to secure places” the Governor of the prison has said.
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Murderous magician will find out what his Wandsworth

pistolwandOne of Harold’s most beguiling mysteries has finally been solved, and sadly proven to be a most despicable and gruesome crime.

Every local knew and loved the spectacular magic show put on annually by local magician “The Great Haroldo”. Although a touring performer he would end his season every year in Harold, and has done so for over 20 years. The pinnacle of the show was always a grand illusion which would culminate in a member of the audience disappearing.

In the early years the volunteer would always re-appear, looking slightly shaken, and return to their seat. However every year since 1997 the volunteer has failed to re-materialise, and none has ever been seen again.

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Filed under Crime, DNA, Golden Showers, International News