Category Archives: TV

Burial of last man to walk on moon was ‘obvious fake’

Fake funeral

Still more likely than Donald Trump

Following the supposed burial of Eugene Cernan, the last astronaut to walk on the moon, conspiracy theorists have pointed out a large number of inconsistencies which may mean that the whole funeral was faked.

“We don’t know exactly how they did it,” explained leading sceptic Barry Renfrew, “But if you look carefully at the official pictures there’s something  fishy about this so-called burial.”

“At first glance it looks like a perfectly normal funeral. But when you look closely, little discrepancies begin to emerge which discredit the whole thing.”

“For example, it’s clearly not raining in the scene, and yet everyone is using an umbrella. Was this actually to shield them from the harsh lights in the studio where this image was created? We can only guess.”

“On the same lines, look at the American flag. Nothing wrong with it you might think, the old Stars and Stripes.”

“But hang on – isn’t there something wrong? That’s right – it’s flying straight out, but there’s clearly no wind in the picture! What a give away!”

“The rocket looks a bit dodgy too, if I’m honest.”

“On the whole, we believe the funeral was an obvious fake, probably to put pressure on the Russians, who have yet to work out how to bury their own astronauts.”

Renfrew was quick to deny suggestions that he was actually just an over-sceptical person.

“Absolutely not. I generally believe everything. Like most people, I believe the moon landings were staged. I believe the earth is flat, and possibly on the back of a tortoise.”

“In fact, the only thing I can’t believe, is that Donald Trump is about to be President.”

“That’s GOT to be made-up.”

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Annus bobbinsus: Charlie Brooker’s 2016 Wipe to be 27 hours long due to horror

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Good luck to Philomena finding a moment of wonder in all this

Lugubrious chronicler of the end times, Charlie Brooker, has announced that his yearly review of the news which is normally sixty minutes long will last more than a day in order to cover all the terrible things that have happened and that even with all the extra hours he’ll “have to leave a lot out.” Continue reading

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Channel 4 suspicious about new BBC show ‘Bake British Great Off’

great off

Strangely familiar

Executives at Channel 4 have reacted with ‘suspicion’ to the announcement that the BBC is to launch a new cookery competition featuring Mary Berry, Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc.

Called the ‘Bake British Great Off’, details of the new show are being kept tightly under wraps by the BBC, but it is believed that members of the public will compete to bake cakes in a tent.

“On the face of it, this does sound rather similar to the thing we thought we’d just bought,” admitted Channel 4 boss Jay Hunt. “They have all the same people, baking cakes, in a tent. Even the name seems familiar. We may have missed a trick here.”

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Fish start singing so they can tell Noel Edmonds to “f*ck off”

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George the tortoise: “That bearded prick off the TV”

Noel Edmonds is cautiously optimistic about his new ‘motivational speaking for pets’ service after a pondful of Japanese Koi Carp sang f*ck off” at him in three-part harmony.

George, an elderly tortoise in the same garden, referred to him as “that bearded prick off TV”.

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Idiots can’t cope with idea of pressing 4 instead of 1 to watch cake show

Programme Name: Great British Bake Off - TX: n/a - Episode: n/a (No. n/a) - Embargoed for publication until: 13/08/2013 - Picture Shows: Paul Hollywood, Mary Berry - (C) Love Productions - Photographer: Des Willie

Two white people, Union Flags and fattening food. There’s enough here to keep Guardian columnists fretting for weeks.

The nation is being rent asunder by howls of outrage as people try to grasp the concept of watching a TV show on another channel.

“I just can’t do it,” said local Bake Off fan Jane Hough. “Switching to four instead of one, what fresh hell is this? That’s the whole thing ruined for me now. I won’t watch at all, it’s easier.” Continue reading

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Porn fans’ relief: on-line TV licence fees apply only to BBC

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That’s a relief

Seventeen year old porn-enthusiast, Simon Delaney says it’s a huge relief that new TV licencing laws will only affect BBC viewers.

Sitting on his sofa, cashmere sweater round his shoulders and lightweight cotton trousers round his ankles, Delaney says he doesn’t watch much television but will now pull out of watching any BBC channels.

“I’m upset the new rules apply straight away, though. I’d planned to watch Versailles in the long winter evenings and slow down some of the action scenes. Continue reading

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Gary Lineker ‘looking forward to eating pies again’

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Still sucking it in until Match of the Day this evening

With the end of a 5 month fast in sight, Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker is keen to start eating properly again.

After presenting a segment of tonight’s MotD in his pants, Lineker will finally relax his abdominal muscles for the first time since Easter and has taken the sensible precaution of lining them with two layers of Tena for Men.

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Tears as last person to give a rat’s arse about Top Gear and Clarkson dies

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If you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you

The village of Harold is tinged with sadness this morning following the news that village idiot, Tim Trotman, has died leaving precisely no one left alive who even slightly cares about Top Gear or Jeremy Clarkson’s new show.

“Tim was well excited,” said neighbour Julie Kettle. “He loved all the hype and the fact that there’s something about both shows in the press every sodding day. He even thought most of it was real reporting and not part of two micromanaged publicity campaigns. Bless ‘im.” Continue reading

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Jenson tells shocked David Coulthard to ‘piss off’ on live TV

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Button and Coulthard in happier times

Jenson Button lost his cool on the grid of the Spanish GP today, after being asked the same questions for the 300th time.

“For f*cks sake, David! I’ll drive as fast as I can until the tyres wear out, then I’ll come in for a new set”.

“After that I’ll go back out and do the same thing all over again.”

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Scientists close to explaining Donald Trump

Do not adjust your TV set.

Do not adjust your TV set.

“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it.  Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole.  Metaphorically speaking.”

Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.

“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President.  The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”

“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, idiots, Intergalactic News, Politics, science, Space, TV, USA

Cruz And Kasich invite Trump to wedding at Walder Frey’s castle

What could go wrong?

Ted Cruz and John Kasich have announced that they wish to cease hostilities with Donald Trump immediately, and as a token of goodwill have invited him to a wedding at the castle of Walder Frey.

This gesture is especially symbolic as Frey is known to be entirely neutral, above board and not at all given to evil murderous plots.

“We’re very excited about Trump coming here to celebrate with us,” announced Cruz this morning. “We hope to see him very soon – all his supporters can come and get extremely drunk safe in the knowledge that nothing bad will happen.”

“I’ll be wearing my best chain mail suit to mark the occasion.”

Trump seems to be intent on ignoring advice that attending the wedding might be a risky move, saying: “Hey, I know politics is a pretty cut-throat business, but I’m sure I can keep my head.”

“Now, that wall they’ve got up in the north – that gives me an idea…”

 

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Nation braces itself for pretending to like Shakespeare

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FUN

On the 400th anniversary of William Shakespeare’s death, the country is grimly preparing for the inevitable bout of having to pretend they have understood, liked or read any of his plays.

Shakespeare is widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language, and most people are perfectly happy to accept this fact without having to prove it for themselves.

Every hundred years, unfortunately, the anniversary of the bard’s death comes around, forcing the population to endure an endless barrage of dramatic culture, just when Game of Thrones is starting back up again.

Among the wall-to-wall culture, a live extravaganza is planned from the Royal Shakespeare Theatre, featuring the likes of David Tennant, Judi Dench and Bill Oddie.

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EastEnders fans shocked at controversial farming storyline

eastenders yokels

Impressive attention to detail

EastEnders fans were in shock today after a controversial storyline involving arable farming and animal husbandry came to a shattering conclusion involving dairy cattle and chemical fertilisers.

Viewers have watched in recent weeks enthralled by the programme’s gradual spiral into the world of agriculture, but few predicted how deep into a realistic depiction of farming practices the series would go.

Sunday night’s omnibus edition featured what is believed to be the first examination of bovine artificial insemination ever seen on the programme, and raised more than £80,000 for the harvest festival.

Some viewers were less enthusiastic about the new direction, however.

“If I’d wanted to learn about bloody crop rotation I’d have put on the Archers,” insisted Evening Harold media correspondent Piers Waghorn. “Drugs, violence, sex – that’s what we want, not sodding bull semen. I can get that at home.”

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Easter Bunny eating families “horrified” by dead cartoon rabbits in Watership Down

8956983Parents have been taking to social media to vent anger at Channel 5 deciding to show rabbit snuff movie Watership Down on Easter Sunday afternoon.

The cartoon, based on the classic children’s novel, follows the sometimes gory adventures of Hazel and his chums, as they try to find a new home.

It features a terrifying ghost rabbit, a spooky song performed in Art Garfunkel’s best falsetto, and some bloodthirsty terriers. Continue reading

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UK despairs: X Factor will last “until 2017 and beyond”

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“It will only seem like an eternity”

Ending speculation that it might be rested, ITV has delivered the crushing news that X Factor will continue until hell freezes over.

An ITV spokesman dismissed this as pure speculation and confirmed that the contract actually runs to 2017, “so it will only seem like an eternity”.

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Jennifer Aniston to present Pot Black

It’s like you’re always stuck behind the brown…

Following the news that former Friends star Matt LeBlanc is to join the Top Gear team, the BBC has announced another coup by signing Jennifer Aniston to present late-night snooker show Pot Black.

“Jennifer is a lifelong fellow cuehead and I’m thrilled she’s joining Pot Black,” said former Embassy World Champion Steve Davis of his new on-screen colleague.

Aniston could barely contain her excitement in an interview for the snooker magazine Balls.

“As a snooker nut and a massive fan of the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, I’m honoured and excited to be a part of this iconic show’s new chapter,” she said. “What a thrill!”

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Terry Wogan to be given authentic Viking burial

A giant among men

Much-beloved broadcaster Terry Wogan, who sadly died today, will be put to rest at sea in the traditional Viking fashion, strapped to a burning longboat surrounded by flaming barrels of tar, food offerings to the Gods and a genuine Blankety-Blank Chequebook and Pen.

Wogan made his BBC debut on the Light Programme (now Radio 2) before raiding the East Coast of Scotland with a hundred crazed men, leaving the streets drenched crimson with the blood of his enemies.

He took over the breakfast show on Radio 2, and was an immediate hit. His laid-back charm and quick gentle humour made him a perfect choice to present the BBC’s coverage of the Eurovision Song Contest for many years from 1971. Highlights from this time are too many to mention, but few can forget the celebrated incident in 2001 when he slaughtered the two Danish hosts, Soren Pilmark and Natasja Crone in a fight to the death on a hill outside Brussels, stark naked save for the BBC logo daubed in woad on both buttocks.

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Donald Trump outed as hideously deformed 6-year-old boy

kid-trumpFollowing his enormous temper tantrum after not getting his way in the planned Fox News debate, presidential hopeful Donald Trump has been revealed to be a snotty six-year-old boy with an unfortunate genetic disorder which gives him the appearance of a 70-year-old orange scrotum.

Trump, although noticeably eccentric, had always managed to disguise the fact that he was only a child via a mix of clever tailoring and fascist ranting, until the latest incident when he learned that the notoriously left-wing Fox News would not agree to let him sack the presenter he doesn’t like.

Little Donald was reportedly found abandoned by his despairing parents in the middle of a shopping mall, rolling around screaming and beating his fists on the floor repeatedly. Passers-by reported hearing him shouting: “NO NO NO I DON’T WANT HER TAKE HER AWAY TAKE HER AWAY MUMMY!” over and over. Continue reading

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Car-crash Farage to play clumsy Inspector Clouseau

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Papers please!

As details of an assassination attempt on Nigel Farage become clear, the hapless UKIP leader is being touted as the new Inspector Clouseau.

During an interview on Good Morning Britain to explain his belief that he is under constant attack, Farage leapt behind the sofa, thrashed about screaming for a few minutes, then emerged, claiming he’d had to fight off a Bulgarian assassin.

“Phew, that was a close one,” he exclaimed to a bewildered Susanna Reid, who’d just asked if he might be exaggerating the seriousness of his car crash. Continue reading

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RSPCB warn that Cribbins is ‘last surviving famous Bernard’

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The Cribbins, seen in its natural environment

The RSPCB’s endangered species watch team reported today that ‘Voice of the Wombles’ Bernard Cribbins is now likely to be the only celebrity called ‘Bernard’ still surviving in the wild in the UK.

“Bernard numbers have been dropping steadily for many years, but until today’s count we had no idea just how rare the famous Bernard has become on these shores,” announced an RSPCB spokesman this morning.

“Conditions have been getting more and more harsh for the native Bernard, and one by one they’ve died out – Shaw, Bresslaw, even Manning – we don’t believe there remains a single breeding pair of Bernards in existence.”

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