Category Archives: TV

Outrage as Bill Oddie revealed as BBC’s top earner

Owls of protest, but no egrets

There has been shock and anger from members of the public and other Goodies after the BBC revealed today that William “Bill” Oddie is its highest-paid performer, currently on £14 million per year despite not having had a BBC show since 2008.

Many people expected details of stars’ salaries to seem excessive, but few were prepared for the riches lavished on the lesser-spotted Oddie by a grateful BBC after a string of wildly successful bird-watching shows over the last 200 years.

BBC chairman  Sir David Clementi defended Oddie’s pay, insisting: “We love Bill. The public loves Bill, and quite frankly £14 million a year is nothing, if it stops him going off and making higher-budget bird-watching programmes for Amazon.”

Lifelong BBC fan Jeremy Clarkson admitted that Oddie was “value for money” after the raft of successes the performer has brought to the channel over the years.

“If I’m honest, Bill was the reason I left the old Beeb,” he admitted this morning. “I knew deep down I’d never be able to compete, he’s always going to be the top guy. Look at all the shows – The Goodies, Bananaman, all the bird-watching stuff, obviously, and that one where they were all nudists. Was that him, or Keith Chegwin?”

“I was always so jealous, he was always the one who got all the birds.”

Former Goodie Tim-Brooke Taylor refused to comment, saying only: “If he’s worth that, then I’m a teapot.”

“And I am a teapot.”

Posting on Twitter, a spokesperson for Bill Oddie played down the huge salary, insisting it was “chickenfeed”, before adding nervously: “No, really, that’s what he uses it for. I’ve tried to stop him.”

“It was worse when we thought he was funneling all the cash into a hedge fund. Turns out it was a hedge.”


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New Star Wars movie to feature first male Wookiee

We would.

Producers of the upcoming Star Wars film have shocked moviegoers with the news that, unlike in all the previous episodes, the next generation of the Wookiee character in The Last Jedi will be male.

Some have seen this as a brave move, given that the iconic “Chewie” character was, of course, a girl, with the typical female Wookiee’s menacing grunt, but many fans are disappointed that the producers have changed what was seen as a well-established tradition.

“I’m not sexist, but this is just inverse political correctness gone mad,” complained one fan. “Everyone knows Chewie was a girl. And good-looking. Er, for a Wookiee.”

“Well that’s my childhood ruined,” complained another fan. “Nowhere in the original movies does it say anywhere that Wookiees can be male. Some things you don’t mess with.”

“What next, a male R2-D2?”

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“Don’t worry, lads. Our leader will always be a man,” says English Labour Party

Ugh, a woman as the Doctor. How Tory is that?

Labour have offered comfort to men so incensed by Doctor Who now starring someone who doesn’t have a musket-and-bandoliers swinging about between their legs that their own are in danger of falling off through sheer rage by assuring them that the leader of their party will always be a man. Continue reading

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Sitting on a sofa in his underpants, online gambler thinks he’s James Bond

Do you take Tesco Clubcard points?

Harold’s fattest man says losing his wages to an algorithm is pretty much the same as living the dream of casinos, fast cars, and Vodka Martinis; whatever they are.

Billy Mckean, star of the harrowing documentary ‘Help, my liver’s the size of a dog’, says that his ‘undercover job’ as a Tesco Express security guard gives him insight into the superficially different worlds of a criminal mastermind breaking the bank at Casino de Monte Carlo and Darren, from Continue reading

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Everyone hiding from horror of world under a blanket of Monkmania

He is a golden god walking amongst us mere mortals

The country is more chillaxed than David Cameron on a Florida beach this morning as it has collectively decided to ignore reality and worship a very clever Canadian chap.
“Oooh Monkmania!” enthused local fan of things Jane Hough. “I just love him! The way he presses that buzzer and then answers correctly again and again and again. I’ll be on Twitter for hours tonight talking about him. Why? Have you seen the news from, well, everywhere? I’m not dealing with any of that heaving sack of bobbins, environmental disaster and hypocrisy until I have to.” Continue reading

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Burial of last man to walk on moon was ‘obvious fake’

Fake funeral

Still more likely than Donald Trump

Following the supposed burial of Eugene Cernan, the last astronaut to walk on the moon, conspiracy theorists have pointed out a large number of inconsistencies which may mean that the whole funeral was faked.

“We don’t know exactly how they did it,” explained leading sceptic Barry Renfrew, “But if you look carefully at the official pictures there’s something  fishy about this so-called burial.”

“At first glance it looks like a perfectly normal funeral. But when you look closely, little discrepancies begin to emerge which discredit the whole thing.”

“For example, it’s clearly not raining in the scene, and yet everyone is using an umbrella. Was this actually to shield them from the harsh lights in the studio where this image was created? We can only guess.”

“On the same lines, look at the American flag. Nothing wrong with it you might think, the old Stars and Stripes.”

“But hang on – isn’t there something wrong? That’s right – it’s flying straight out, but there’s clearly no wind in the picture! What a give away!”

“The rocket looks a bit dodgy too, if I’m honest.”

“On the whole, we believe the funeral was an obvious fake, probably to put pressure on the Russians, who have yet to work out how to bury their own astronauts.”

Renfrew was quick to deny suggestions that he was actually just an over-sceptical person.

“Absolutely not. I generally believe everything. Like most people, I believe the moon landings were staged. I believe the earth is flat, and possibly on the back of a tortoise.”

“In fact, the only thing I can’t believe, is that Donald Trump is about to be President.”

“That’s GOT to be made-up.”

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Annus bobbinsus: Charlie Brooker’s 2016 Wipe to be 27 hours long due to horror


Good luck to Philomena finding a moment of wonder in all this

Lugubrious chronicler of the end times, Charlie Brooker, has announced that his yearly review of the news which is normally sixty minutes long will last more than a day in order to cover all the terrible things that have happened and that even with all the extra hours he’ll “have to leave a lot out.” Continue reading

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Channel 4 suspicious about new BBC show ‘Bake British Great Off’

great off

Strangely familiar

Executives at Channel 4 have reacted with ‘suspicion’ to the announcement that the BBC is to launch a new cookery competition featuring Mary Berry, Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc.

Called the ‘Bake British Great Off’, details of the new show are being kept tightly under wraps by the BBC, but it is believed that members of the public will compete to bake cakes in a tent.

“On the face of it, this does sound rather similar to the thing we thought we’d just bought,” admitted Channel 4 boss Jay Hunt. “They have all the same people, baking cakes, in a tent. Even the name seems familiar. We may have missed a trick here.”

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Fish start singing so they can tell Noel Edmonds to “f*ck off”


George the tortoise: “That bearded prick off the TV”

Noel Edmonds is cautiously optimistic about his new ‘motivational speaking for pets’ service after a pondful of Japanese Koi Carp sang f*ck off” at him in three-part harmony.

George, an elderly tortoise in the same garden, referred to him as “that bearded prick off TV”.

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Idiots can’t cope with idea of pressing 4 instead of 1 to watch cake show

Programme Name: Great British Bake Off - TX: n/a - Episode: n/a (No. n/a) - Embargoed for publication until: 13/08/2013 - Picture Shows: Paul Hollywood, Mary Berry - (C) Love Productions - Photographer: Des Willie

Two white people, Union Flags and fattening food. There’s enough here to keep Guardian columnists fretting for weeks.

The nation is being rent asunder by howls of outrage as people try to grasp the concept of watching a TV show on another channel.

“I just can’t do it,” said local Bake Off fan Jane Hough. “Switching to four instead of one, what fresh hell is this? That’s the whole thing ruined for me now. I won’t watch at all, it’s easier.” Continue reading

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Porn fans’ relief: on-line TV licence fees apply only to BBC


That’s a relief

Seventeen year old porn-enthusiast, Simon Delaney says it’s a huge relief that new TV licencing laws will only affect BBC viewers.

Sitting on his sofa, cashmere sweater round his shoulders and lightweight cotton trousers round his ankles, Delaney says he doesn’t watch much television but will now pull out of watching any BBC channels.

“I’m upset the new rules apply straight away, though. I’d planned to watch Versailles in the long winter evenings and slow down some of the action scenes. Continue reading

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Gary Lineker ‘looking forward to eating pies again’


Still sucking it in until Match of the Day this evening

With the end of a 5 month fast in sight, Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker is keen to start eating properly again.

After presenting a segment of tonight’s MotD in his pants, Lineker will finally relax his abdominal muscles for the first time since Easter and has taken the sensible precaution of lining them with two layers of Tena for Men.

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Tears as last person to give a rat’s arse about Top Gear and Clarkson dies


If you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you

The village of Harold is tinged with sadness this morning following the news that village idiot, Tim Trotman, has died leaving precisely no one left alive who even slightly cares about Top Gear or Jeremy Clarkson’s new show.

“Tim was well excited,” said neighbour Julie Kettle. “He loved all the hype and the fact that there’s something about both shows in the press every sodding day. He even thought most of it was real reporting and not part of two micromanaged publicity campaigns. Bless ‘im.” Continue reading

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Jenson tells shocked David Coulthard to ‘piss off’ on live TV


Button and Coulthard in happier times

Jenson Button lost his cool on the grid of the Spanish GP today, after being asked the same questions for the 300th time.

“For f*cks sake, David! I’ll drive as fast as I can until the tyres wear out, then I’ll come in for a new set”.

“After that I’ll go back out and do the same thing all over again.”

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Scientists close to explaining Donald Trump

Do not adjust your TV set.

Do not adjust your TV set.

“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it.  Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole.  Metaphorically speaking.”

Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.

“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President.  The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”

“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading

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Cruz And Kasich invite Trump to wedding at Walder Frey’s castle

What could go wrong?

Ted Cruz and John Kasich have announced that they wish to cease hostilities with Donald Trump immediately, and as a token of goodwill have invited him to a wedding at the castle of Walder Frey.

This gesture is especially symbolic as Frey is known to be entirely neutral, above board and not at all given to evil murderous plots.

“We’re very excited about Trump coming here to celebrate with us,” announced Cruz this morning. “We hope to see him very soon – all his supporters can come and get extremely drunk safe in the knowledge that nothing bad will happen.”

“I’ll be wearing my best chain mail suit to mark the occasion.”

Trump seems to be intent on ignoring advice that attending the wedding might be a risky move, saying: “Hey, I know politics is a pretty cut-throat business, but I’m sure I can keep my head.”

“Now, that wall they’ve got up in the north – that gives me an idea…”


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Nation braces itself for pretending to like Shakespeare



On the 400th anniversary of William Shakespeare’s death, the country is grimly preparing for the inevitable bout of having to pretend they have understood, liked or read any of his plays.

Shakespeare is widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language, and most people are perfectly happy to accept this fact without having to prove it for themselves.

Every hundred years, unfortunately, the anniversary of the bard’s death comes around, forcing the population to endure an endless barrage of dramatic culture, just when Game of Thrones is starting back up again.

Among the wall-to-wall culture, a live extravaganza is planned from the Royal Shakespeare Theatre, featuring the likes of David Tennant, Judi Dench and Bill Oddie.

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EastEnders fans shocked at controversial farming storyline

eastenders yokels

Impressive attention to detail

EastEnders fans were in shock today after a controversial storyline involving arable farming and animal husbandry came to a shattering conclusion involving dairy cattle and chemical fertilisers.

Viewers have watched in recent weeks enthralled by the programme’s gradual spiral into the world of agriculture, but few predicted how deep into a realistic depiction of farming practices the series would go.

Sunday night’s omnibus edition featured what is believed to be the first examination of bovine artificial insemination ever seen on the programme, and raised more than £80,000 for the harvest festival.

Some viewers were less enthusiastic about the new direction, however.

“If I’d wanted to learn about bloody crop rotation I’d have put on the Archers,” insisted Evening Harold media correspondent Piers Waghorn. “Drugs, violence, sex – that’s what we want, not sodding bull semen. I can get that at home.”

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Easter Bunny eating families “horrified” by dead cartoon rabbits in Watership Down

8956983Parents have been taking to social media to vent anger at Channel 5 deciding to show rabbit snuff movie Watership Down on Easter Sunday afternoon.

The cartoon, based on the classic children’s novel, follows the sometimes gory adventures of Hazel and his chums, as they try to find a new home.

It features a terrifying ghost rabbit, a spooky song performed in Art Garfunkel’s best falsetto, and some bloodthirsty terriers. Continue reading

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UK despairs: X Factor will last “until 2017 and beyond”


“It will only seem like an eternity”

Ending speculation that it might be rested, ITV has delivered the crushing news that X Factor will continue until hell freezes over.

An ITV spokesman dismissed this as pure speculation and confirmed that the contract actually runs to 2017, “so it will only seem like an eternity”.

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