Category Archives: Transport

Road resurfacing chippings to be sponsored by windscreen replacement industry

Ouch A nice little earner.

From 2018, all tar and stone chipping resurfacing will be paid for by the UK’s windscreen replacement businesses.

“We’re just formalising the setup that’s worked for years where, instead of government paying an extra £300 per day for a road roller, motorists happily sacrifice their cars’ bodywork and windscreens.”  said Transport Secretary Chris Grayling, one of the few MPs who can make Iain Duncan Smith seem Continue reading

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Filed under Motoring, News, Transport

Michael O’Leary explains regulations breach “We don’t give a shit.”

Always getting better, at being shits

Michael O’Leary says Ryanair’s lying to passengers should be seen in the light of the company not giving a shit about them.

“When you put our behaviour in context it all makes sense. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I don’t give a shit, Ryanair doesn’t give a shit, it’s all entirely consistent. Why is that so hard to understand?”

Harold teaching assistant, Carly Jeffery is a Ryanair customer whose flight was cancelled at short notice. “The next flight they could book me on is in January but as I was going to my mother’s funeral Continue reading

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Filed under News, Transport

Dead giant rabbit was ‘disruptive’, say United Airlines

That rabbit’s dynamite!

The world’s largest bunny rabbit which was found brutally beaten to death with hammers on a United Airlines flight had been ‘disruptive’, according to airline CEO Oscar Munoz.

In an internal email to staff, Munoz confirmed that the rabbit, a 3ft continental giant called Simon, had become ‘uncooperative’ after being denied lettuce.

Passengers on board the aircraft then posted harrowing scenes of the animal being dragged from its hutch by security, beaten with hammers and then boiled alive in front of screaming children.

“This is standard operating procedure, and I commend our staff for their actions,” insisted Munoz. “Especially the hammers thing.”

“Without going into details, the bunny in question had been asked several times to stop making that hungry grunting sound they do, and it declined to comply, on the grounds that it didn’t speak English or have a clue what the hell we were talking about.”

“In cases such as these, the use of hammers and the boiling thing are entirely justified by aviation laws.”

Critics have suggested that beating customers with hammers and then boiling them to death might not be the hallmark of a modern caring company, but United Airlines have pointed out “Fuck you”.

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Filed under Nature, News, Transport

An ode in celebration of Southern rail boss Charles Horton being awarded a near 100% pay rise

This Southern train appears to be in motion, must be a fake photograph

This is the Southern rail crossing the border,
Bringing Charles the cheque and the postal order,

Money for him, nothing for the poor
commuters who stand pressed ‘gainst the toilet door…

Shareholder thanks, letters from banks,
Isn’t Charles a talented boy?
Stacks of cash and invitations
To accept a knighthood or with the PM libations,
Shred the breach of safety situations, Continue reading

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Filed under Transport

M5 repairs will last forever, “or… could we do some work on it?” asks Grayling

Crying out for the rigours of the tax haven

Highways England say roadworks on the M5 near Worcester could last another decade or more, as they’ve only had one man working there since October 2015.

“Mostly he picks up crisp packets and condoms discarded by commuters stuck in traffic.” said a ministry spokeswoman “On a slack day, he polishes the ‘Thank you for driving carefully signs’.”

Building on his experience of buggering up the Justice system, Chris Grayling hopes to repeat the trick in Transport, by splitting the M5 into separate parts, Continue reading

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Filed under News, Transport

Travel agent sells Brexiter a package holiday to Xenophobia

A Dunstable travel agent asked to recommend a Greek island with lots of British food and beer and no foreigners cheekily suggested ‘Xenophobia’ only for her client to adamantly suggest he wanted to go there.

“It was a mess all of my own making” admitted Sarah from Thomson. “When he asked how far it is from Luton to Xenophobia, I shouldn’t have said ‘surprisingly close’.”
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Grayling: “Knocking over a cyclist is a metaphor for my political credo.”

chris-grayling-cyclist

Now f**k off and keep your mouth shut

Chris Grayling, compared to whom even his awful predecessor Norman Tebbit seems benign, says flattening a cyclist, as videod by another cyclist, is a metaphor for his wider political beliefs.

“The most vulnerable in society always deserve special attention.” said Grayling, cracking his knuckles “So, as soon as an arsehole on a bike drew alongside my Limo in a traffic jam, whallop, I doored him. Continue reading

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by | December 16, 2016 · 3:27 pm

Boris’ opposition to Heathrow was just “an academic exercise, exploring its many benefits”

boris-digger

Remember? Boris said he’d be driving one of these

“When people thought I was against it, I was running for Mayor of London but now I’m Top Kiddie at the FO and planning to stay.” Boris Johnson bumbled today, describing how his perceived opposition to a third Heathrow runway was merely him exploring its benefits for himself.

Johnson explained that protesters must, in some strange way, have got hold of the wrong end of the stick, whilst he was in fact just convincing himself how weak their argument was. “I didn’t expect anyone to think I was expressing a genuine belief though, because I don’t have any.”

“Yes I did say that I’d lie down in front of the bulldozers” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, Transport

PM explains robbing disabled people’s Motability is being fair to the rich

cameronpointing

You there, do you really need those crutches?

David Cameron has stopped tens of thousands of disabled people getting Motability transport as it’s unfair to rich people like himself.

“Some of us rich people like hoovering up public funds for our own families. Others are fat but receive no help getting into our big cars and Motability savings could pay for a whole fleet of gut winches. Once they’ve been invented.”

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Filed under News, Politics, Transport

Car-share unpopular with men of a certain age, study finds

carshare1

These people don’t use the drive home to catch up on farting

Research shows car-sharing is being hampered by more than a simple desire for nose-picking privacy.

Dr Rachel Guest recently published her study on male aversion to car-sharing.

To save you the bother of reading all 323 pages, we have adopted government practice by cherry-picking from ‘Appendix (ii) Respondents’ comments’ and pasting them here:

“I pretend to visit the HR department every Friday afternoon, but actually go home early at 3.30.” Continue reading

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Filed under Motoring, News, Transport, TV

Similar-looking men share world’s most stilted flight conversation

untwinsWhen a man was seated next to a slightly similar-looking man on a flight to Galway, he immediately got giddy and shared a selfie with the world.

Little were the ‘pair’ to know but they were about to share something else: the most awkward flight conversation in history.

When I saw my doppelganger, I didn’t know what was going on”, said Neil Douglas. “So I took a picture, and made a massive fuss about the whole thing.”
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Filed under Fashion, Transport

Network Rail offers pre-emptive apology for disruption this autumn

"We're sorry if our apology seems insincere."

“We’re sorry if our apology seems insincere.”

In a move designed to scupper rail management critics, Network Rail operations boss Mark Carne has issued a full apology in advance of the unexpected disruptions to services this coming autumn.

“A sophisticated and coordinated attack on rail lines by foliage around November can be neither foreseen nor planned for, no matter how good your intelligence,” he said.

“I want to say a sincere and personal ‘sorry’ to all those commuters stuck in the middle of nowhere, who will have paid good money for the privilege.”

“I would also like to reassure our customers that we are doing all we can to prepare for the winter, but there is no climatologist alive can be expected to predict freak conditions causing snow on such an unprecedented scale. Again, I say I’m sorry.”
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Filed under Transport

Tube drivers commemorate day London got moving by going on strike

train driver

Drivers undergo exhaustive training.

London’s tube train drivers are marking the tenth anniversary of the day London defiantly got moving again, by defiantly staying in bed.

With a paltry £2.5k bonus and a 2 percent payrise to top up their meagre £50k salary on offer, rail workers claimed it wasn’t enough to stop them treating their customers with utter contempt.

“It’s tradition”, said Terence Cockney, who is employed to sit down near a lever. “We always strike at Christmas, bank holidays or when it causes the most offence.”
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Filed under Politics, Transport

Dermot O’Leary to host Bland Gear

oleary

An inanimate object, in front of a racing car.

Evergrey favourite Dermot O’Leary has been chosen by the BBC to host a new show about the mundanity of transport.

Fun-tolerating Dermot, 61, welcomed his new challenge, and has pledged to own a car in the near future.

“This is an exciting time”, said O’Leary, with 13.53pm in mind.

“A lot of the 350 million worldwide viewers of Top Gear were put off by its shameless entertainment, and that’s something I’m here to nip in the bud.”

Dermot is looking forward to presenting his update of ‘a star in a reasonably underpowered car’, where the aim is to use the least fuel in an unfilmed lap of the track.
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Filed under Entertainment, Transport

Highways Agency regrets awarding road maintenance contract to ISIS.

The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.

The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.

There are red faces in the Highways Agency following a rash of complaints from motorists about the large number of potholes appearing on Britain’s roads. Motoring organizations and MPs are blaming the Highways Agency after it was discovered that the lucrative road maintenance contract was awarded to an unknown firm called Integrated Expert Developments from the Islamic State. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, bombs, gritters, idiots, Politics, Religion, Society, Transport, Uncategorized

Virgin train cancelled due to missing smelly poo

branson

Branson promised the train would soon be pulling out of the station.

A Virgin train from Manchester to Euston was cancelled today, after the toilet in one of the carriages was found to be bearable.

The rail operator apologised to passengers but insisted that it was ‘more than their franchise was worth’ to attempt the journey without a foul-smelling pan trout.

“Our staff are trained to inspect the toilets on a regular basis, and deal quickly with anything that looks remotely hygenic”, said PR director Gordon Keeble.

“Unfortunately this train has been the scene of some vigorous flushing, and on this occasion, none of our staff were fully ‘up to the job’.”
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Filed under Transport

“We hate you”: new train tickets to tell the truth about UK railways

train ticket

She’s got a ticket to ride but they don’t care

Train tickets have been redesigned to include a key detail omitted from previous versions – the truth.

“We don’t like our passengers. Not at all,” said Louis Cypher, Network Rail’s chief spokesperson. “We like having lots of money, the government giving us more and all the loot being divided between us and the shareholders of the various rail companies. We’re fed up of having to lie about it. If you’re stupid enough to pay our prices even if you have to stand most of the way every single day then we’re going to treat you with the contempt you so richly deserve.” Continue reading

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Filed under Transport

Continual weather warnings blamed as motorway drivers abandon cars despite perfect conditions

Blizzard conditions on the M1 near Harold

Blizzard conditions on the M1 near Harold

Despite perfect driving conditions, there was traffic chaos yesterday when motorists abandoned their cars on motorways following the umpteenth severe weather forecast this week.

Police struggled to keep traffic moving as one by one, drivers pulled onto the hard shoulder and started making their way on foot along the motorways towards the dubious sanctuary of service stations carrying spades and thermos flasks, anxiously looking at the sky.

Eventually most of the motorway network of the South of England was closed.

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Filed under Transport, Travel, Weather

Network Rail boss turns down £34k bonus due to be paid as a season ticket

IMG_0813.JPG
Network Rail chief executive Mark Carne has turned down his £34,000 bonus which was due to be paid to him in the form of a season ticket for his daily commute.

“We had agreed that as the £34,000 was the equivalent of my season ticket between home and the three stops to work, I would just receive a free season ticket” he explained.

“That didn’t include drinks, food or any level of customer service but I could have stretched to a cup of tea and egg mayo sandwich out of my £675,000 salary. Not every day though, maybe just once a month.”

He has made the decision because of the overrunning engineering works that have caused havoc around the country’s rail network.

“I have to take responsibility for ruining the Christmas season for many passengers, and that’s why I have turned the ticket down.” He continued.

“That, and I couldn’t use it anyway. Have you tried catching a train recently? No bloody chance.”

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Filed under News, Transport

HS3 will give northerners the opportunity of not finding work right across the north of England

The North. That way, isn't it?

The North. That way, isn’t it?

David Cameron welcomed plans for HS3 this afternoon, after reading at least three pages of a report by HS2’s Sir David Higgins over luncheon.

“It’s much easier to plan than to implement,” said the PM “so I’m grateful for Sir David’s searching analysis with all its potential for shuffling that £1.7b Euro-Invoice onto page two … err … for linking up the great centres of northern unemployment … err … Continue reading

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