Crying out for the rigours of the tax haven
Highways England say roadworks on the M5 near Worcester could last another decade or more, as they’ve only had one man working there since October 2015.
“Mostly he picks up crisp packets and condoms discarded by commuters stuck in traffic.” said a ministry spokeswoman “On a slack day, he polishes the ‘Thank you for driving carefully signs’.”
Building on his experience of buggering up the Justice system, Chris Grayling hopes to repeat the trick in Transport, by splitting the M5 into separate parts, Continue reading
Filed under News, Transport
A Dunstable travel agent asked to recommend a Greek island with lots of British food and beer and no foreigners cheekily suggested ‘Xenophobia’ only for her client to adamantly suggest he wanted to go there.
“It was a mess all of my own making” admitted Sarah from Thomson. “When he asked how far it is from Luton to Xenophobia, I shouldn’t have said ‘surprisingly close’.”
Filed under News, Transport
Now f**k off and keep your mouth shut
Chris Grayling, compared to whom even his awful predecessor Norman Tebbit seems benign, says flattening a cyclist, as videod by another cyclist, is a metaphor for his wider political beliefs.
“The most vulnerable in society always deserve special attention.” said Grayling, cracking his knuckles “So, as soon as an arsehole on a bike drew alongside my Limo in a traffic jam, whallop, I doored him. Continue reading
Remember? Boris said he’d be driving one of these
“When people thought I was against it, I was running for Mayor of London but now I’m Top Kiddie at the FO and planning to stay.” Boris Johnson bumbled today, describing how his perceived opposition to a third Heathrow runway was merely him exploring its benefits for himself.
Johnson explained that protesters must, in some strange way, have got hold of the wrong end of the stick, whilst he was in fact just convincing himself how weak their argument was. “I didn’t expect anyone to think I was expressing a genuine belief though, because I don’t have any.”
“Yes I did say that I’d lie down in front of the bulldozers” Continue reading
You there, do you really need those crutches?
David Cameron has stopped tens of thousands of disabled people getting Motability transport as it’s unfair to rich people like himself.
“Some of us rich people like hoovering up public funds for our own families. Others are fat but receive no help getting into our big cars and Motability savings could pay for a whole fleet of gut winches. Once they’ve been invented.”
These people don’t use the drive home to catch up on farting
Research shows car-sharing is being hampered by more than a simple desire for nose-picking privacy.
Dr Rachel Guest recently published her study on male aversion to car-sharing.
To save you the bother of reading all 323 pages, we have adopted government practice by cherry-picking from ‘Appendix (ii) Respondents’ comments’ and pasting them here:
“I pretend to visit the HR department every Friday afternoon, but actually go home early at 3.30.” Continue reading
When a man was seated next to a slightly similar-looking man on a flight to Galway, he immediately got giddy and shared a selfie with the world.
Little were the ‘pair’ to know but they were about to share something else: the most awkward flight conversation in history.
When I saw my doppelganger, I didn’t know what was going on”, said Neil Douglas. “So I took a picture, and made a massive fuss about the whole thing.”
“We’re sorry if our apology seems insincere.”
In a move designed to scupper rail management critics, Network Rail operations boss Mark Carne has issued a full apology in advance of the unexpected disruptions to services this coming autumn.
“A sophisticated and coordinated attack on rail lines by foliage around November can be neither foreseen nor planned for, no matter how good your intelligence,” he said.
“I want to say a sincere and personal ‘sorry’ to all those commuters stuck in the middle of nowhere, who will have paid good money for the privilege.”
“I would also like to reassure our customers that we are doing all we can to prepare for the winter, but there is no climatologist alive can be expected to predict freak conditions causing snow on such an unprecedented scale. Again, I say I’m sorry.”
Drivers undergo exhaustive training.
London’s tube train drivers are marking the tenth anniversary of the day London defiantly got moving again, by defiantly staying in bed.
With a paltry £2.5k bonus and a 2 percent payrise to top up their meagre £50k salary on offer, rail workers claimed it wasn’t enough to stop them treating their customers with utter contempt.
“It’s tradition”, said Terence Cockney, who is employed to sit down near a lever. “We always strike at Christmas, bank holidays or when it causes the most offence.”
An inanimate object, in front of a racing car.
Evergrey favourite Dermot O’Leary has been chosen by the BBC to host a new show about the mundanity of transport.
Fun-tolerating Dermot, 61, welcomed his new challenge, and has pledged to own a car in the near future.
“This is an exciting time”, said O’Leary, with 13.53pm in mind.
“A lot of the 350 million worldwide viewers of Top Gear were put off by its shameless entertainment, and that’s something I’m here to nip in the bud.”
Dermot is looking forward to presenting his update of ‘a star in a reasonably underpowered car’, where the aim is to use the least fuel in an unfilmed lap of the track.
The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.
There are red faces in the Highways Agency following a rash of complaints from motorists about the large number of potholes appearing on Britain’s roads. Motoring organizations and MPs are blaming the Highways Agency after it was discovered that the lucrative road maintenance contract was awarded to an unknown firm called Integrated Expert Developments from the Islamic State. Continue reading
Branson promised the train would soon be pulling out of the station.
A Virgin train from Manchester to Euston was cancelled today, after the toilet in one of the carriages was found to be bearable.
The rail operator apologised to passengers but insisted that it was ‘more than their franchise was worth’ to attempt the journey without a foul-smelling pan trout.
“Our staff are trained to inspect the toilets on a regular basis, and deal quickly with anything that looks remotely hygenic”, said PR director Gordon Keeble.
“Unfortunately this train has been the scene of some vigorous flushing, and on this occasion, none of our staff were fully ‘up to the job’.”
She’s got a ticket to ride but they don’t care
Train tickets have been redesigned to include a key detail omitted from previous versions – the truth.
“We don’t like our passengers. Not at all,” said Louis Cypher, Network Rail’s chief spokesperson. “We like having lots of money, the government giving us more and all the loot being divided between us and the shareholders of the various rail companies. We’re fed up of having to lie about it. If you’re stupid enough to pay our prices even if you have to stand most of the way every single day then we’re going to treat you with the contempt you so richly deserve.” Continue reading
Blizzard conditions on the M1 near Harold
Despite perfect driving conditions, there was traffic chaos yesterday when motorists abandoned their cars on motorways following the umpteenth severe weather forecast this week.
Police struggled to keep traffic moving as one by one, drivers pulled onto the hard shoulder and started making their way on foot along the motorways towards the dubious sanctuary of service stations carrying spades and thermos flasks, anxiously looking at the sky.
Eventually most of the motorway network of the South of England was closed.
Network Rail chief executive Mark Carne has turned down his £34,000 bonus which was due to be paid to him in the form of a season ticket for his daily commute.
“We had agreed that as the £34,000 was the equivalent of my season ticket between home and the three stops to work, I would just receive a free season ticket” he explained.
“That didn’t include drinks, food or any level of customer service but I could have stretched to a cup of tea and egg mayo sandwich out of my £675,000 salary. Not every day though, maybe just once a month.”
He has made the decision because of the overrunning engineering works that have caused havoc around the country’s rail network.
“I have to take responsibility for ruining the Christmas season for many passengers, and that’s why I have turned the ticket down.” He continued.
“That, and I couldn’t use it anyway. Have you tried catching a train recently? No bloody chance.”
Filed under News, Transport
The North. That way, isn’t it?
David Cameron welcomed plans for HS3 this afternoon, after reading at least three pages of a report by HS2’s Sir David Higgins over luncheon.
“It’s much easier to plan than to implement,” said the PM “so I’m grateful for Sir David’s searching analysis with all its potential for shuffling that £1.7b Euro-Invoice onto page two … err … for linking up the great centres of northern unemployment … err … Continue reading
Depardieu claimed he drinks ‘up to 14 lorry-loads of wine every day’
Russia’s largest transport aircraft has been extensively refitted, so that Gérard Depardieu can be airlifted to the Ukraine frontline. In a daring operation that exceeded the airframe’s carrying capacity by some 26%, Depardieu was delivered intact but hungry and dangerously low on wine.
“As soon as I heard about Ukraine, I phoned my agent to see if such a trip was tax-deductable”, said the actor. “Then I had lunch, some patisseries and a small bucket of brandy. After that it was time for a money wash, a whole roast goose and a litre or so of pernod. That’s when I was struck in the back by a grappling hook, and winched aboard the plane.”
The logistics were difficult and involved several attempts at in-flight re-patéing. “The Russian airforce does not yet have the capability to store more than a tonne and a half of carefully refrigerated foie gras on a plane”, explained Depardieu.
The sweat-drenched hulk is considered a ‘heart throb’ in his ex-native France, a diagnosis that was confirmed by his team of cardiac surgeons.
Filed under News, Transport
Clarkson entertains a worker by pointing out his ethnicity.
Motoring bigot Jeremy Clarkson has opened the first troll bridge in Britain, which allows drivers to abuse migrant workers and then drive off at speed.
Snipping the BBC red tape using a sort of scissor sign with his fingers, Clarkson explained that this represented England’s victory at Agincourt.
“The troll bridge gives motorists a chance to express themselves”, said Clarkson. “But being in a car, you can roar away before the recipient can complain.”
Clarkson explained how the system works. “You stop at the barrier, racially abuse the member of staff in the booth, then congratulate yourself on having a nicer car than them.”
Cake and biscuits can also be used to slow scooters down.
Tesco has announced a range of mobility scooter calming measures, including speed bumps placed at regular intervals in the aisles.
Analysts have linked Tesco’s fall in profits with last year’s purchase of a Sunset Freedom Anklebain by Harold pensioner Doris Kettle. Draped in rain gear and cackling manically as she careers around the store while high on Sanatogen, some shoppers are so desperate they’re even taking their chances in Lidl.
Store manager Paul Watts hopes to restore some civility to his store, and the speed bumps are just one part of a strategy to get Doris to ‘Slow the Hell Down’.
Family will flee to Universal Studios in future.
A family from Harold has spoken of their desperate journey to Disneyland, after their passports were processed a bit slowly.
With time running out fast for the Smiths, dad Michael feared they may be forced to seek holiday in Norfolk. He wasn’t prepared to subject his two children to such a fate.
“We’d done everything right”, claimed Michael. “There was a good 16 hours to go until the ferry left at the point when I filled in the passport application forms. Then I popped them on the mantelpiece for Linda to take to the post office. And yet somehow, they still haven’t bloody arrived.”