The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.
In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.
“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading
Pop mogul Simon Cowell has rejected calls to change the voting system for the X-Factor. Under the changes, that will see voting devolved based on intellectual groups, only morons will be able to vote on issues that affect morons meaning only viewers with an IQ under 76 will be eligible to vote contestants off his show.
“This will lead to the end of the X-Factor,” Mr Cowell said worriedly, the first time those words have not been uttered in a celebratory way.
“If we are relying on those whose IQs match the contestants, then we are setting ourselves up for a lot of phones broken as they try to dial the numbers with their fists and foreheads, and not many lucrative votes.
“We had trialled a postal voting system but that failed when those morons taking part either posted their phones or stuck their eyelids together with stamps.”
David Cameron held a meeting of top Tories to discuss bringing in the intellectually devolved X-Factor voting system in at the same time as granting Scotland greater powers, a move some believe could be dangerous.
One commentator explained: “the biggest fear is that the average Tory voter fits into the IQ limit proposed. If they can vote Cameron into Number 10 just imagine what shit they could get to Christmas Number 1.”
However, unlike the English vote for English issues idea Ed Miliband has told the Labour conference he welcomed the proposals.
“I always said that even at the top of the political system I would never forget my roots,” he told delegate.
“If it wasn’t for morons voting for a moron, I wouldn’t be where I am today.”
It’s my country and I’ll cry if I want to ..
Alex Salmond has hailed victory in the Referendum claiming that every vote cast was actually in favour of Scottish Independence. Although the YES votes only totalled 45%, the First Minster said it was perfectly clear to him that those voting NO intended to vote against remaining in the UK, giving the SNP 100% in total.
The beleaguered SNP leader hit upon this latest strategy following David Cameron’s refusal to fight for it in the traditional Scottish way, in a dimly lit Glasgow car park.
“So far as I’m concerned, no one in their right mind would vote to remain in the United Kingdom,” he said defiantly, “so unless you’re accusing the Scottish electorate of lunacy, then it stands to reason that those who apparently voted ‘No’ must have misunderstood the ballot paper and meant ‘No” to the UK.” Continue reading
Weather presenters in the UK have welcomed the ‘no’ vote in Scotland saying they are glad they still have the whole of the UK to cover and now won’t be forced to go part-time.
“Giving the Scotland forecast takes up 25% of our working time,” the BBC’s Tomasz Schafernaker told us.
“If an hourly two minute forecast had been reduced to a minute and a half, the subsequent pro rata pay cut would have had a devastating effect on weather people.
“It would have led to mortgage arrears and us losing our houses. High streets up and down the country would have been full of forecasters pointing aimlessly at any green wall they could find.”
Mr Schafernaker went on to say that the presenters were so energised by this result they may seek a pay rise from their employers, but conceded that may only be possible with a full on invasion of France.
‘Laugh? I almost ordered my euros.’
Alex Salmond has welcomed the referendum ‘No’ vote, which vindicates his claim that Scotland would continue to use the pound as part of a currency union.
“As I said all along, we can now continue to use the currency indefinitely”, boasted the SNP leader. “But as a sign of goodwill, I’ll allow England to share it.”
In addition to winning the crucial Sterling argument, Salmond’s Scotland will also retain the right to carry on contributing to Britain’s debt.
What’s more, the NHS will continue to be poorly run in the country, a key pledge Salmond has stood by thoughout the campaign.
The man who would be king (caution: potential monarchs may be up to thirty-three years older than pictured).
Today Scotland goes to the polls to decide whether or not to go it alone or to give its loveless union with England another 300 hundred years for the sake of Wales and Northern Ireland. Continue reading
The Queen has made an astonishing attack on Scotland in a pre-recorded public broadcast only intended to be shown in the event of a ‘yes vote’ in favour of Scottish independence.
In the ten minute tirade the monarch slags off the Scots, their food, the weather and says how much she hates Balmoral Castle.
“The ungrateful people of Scotland have spoken and I am delighted that the power of the ballot box has meant that I never have to go to Scotland again,” she starts gently. “Frankly, I’ve never liked the place, the climate or the food.”
After a bitter complaint about the “god awful sound of bagpipes”, the Queen turns to her Scottish residence. Continue reading
You can count the argument on one finger.
David Cameron, Ed Miliband and a small boy in shorts have promised to sell England to someone ‘swarthy and well-off’ to fund Scotland’s demand for a paradise.
While some in England may oppose such a move, no-one will know for sure because they don’t have a say in the matter.
“Scotland may hate Westminster, but Westminster loves Scotland”, said Cameron. “It makes Britain bigger, which in turn makes us more important.”
Cameron revealed that England, on the other hand, has Westminster in it. “I’m afraid that lot are stuck with us, so they’ll just have to lump it.”
Ed Miliband agreed. “A referendum would be pointless, it would be like a child voting to not have a lung. The lung would still be there, whether or not the rest of the body resented it.”
“I don’t care what you do. Just keep paying for me and mine.”
In a historical first for the House of Windsor the Queen has advocated the use of intellect. Yesterday she was asked for her opinion on the independence referendum and replied: “Well, I hope people will think very carefully about the future.” She then added “but as long as Bake Off gets another series One really doesn’t give one about anything else.” Continue reading
Many whisky companies have shown that ‘two can play at that game’, and warned that if Scotland remained part of the UK they may be forced to put their prices up for customers south of the border.
So far many companies have said Scots face price hikes if they gain independence however the distilleries have said a ‘no’ vote would force them to show they could ‘act like petulant twats as well’.