“Hmm… it’s worth a try, Spock.”
“China has been ripping us off with their steel and, if we’re not careful, they’ll have all the moon-cheese too,” said Trump. “That is why I have asked NASA to set up Space Patrol, to guard the intergalactic highways, to stop illegal aliens crossing Earth’s atmosphere and to protect against the theft of all the Kryptonite.”
Having recently travelled to N Korea to give the ‘jolly fat rocket-man’ an earful, Trump has developed a new taste for boldly going where no President has been before.
“I want NASA to fly me to Mars,” he said. “I’ve seen pictures of it and it definitely looks a bit red. You don’t need a degree in astrophysics to know what that means. And why are the Martians green? Are they naive climate-control freaks? It’s obvious to me they’re a threat and sooner or later they will invade. That’s why I need to get up there and do a deal with them.” Continue reading
Newly knighted Ringo Starr says he remembers ’k all about the nineteen sixties, let alone who the bands were back then.
“Never heard of him,” he replied when asked whether it had been a long wait to catch up with Paul McCartney in the Honours stakes.
Sir Ringo described his knighthood ceremony as ‘surreal’.
“I went down on one knee and asked the Duke if he’d marry me. Then somebody spoke and I went into a dream.” Continue reading
The RAF’s only Lancaster bomber has been ‘shot down’ by a Messerschmidt 109 fighter in a freak air-show accident in Harold.
The Lancaster, PA474, never saw combat although it’s been flogged round the country for years, taking credit for a victory in which it had no part; like an aeronautical John Terry. Continue reading
Former Smiths front-man Steven “Morrissey” Morrissey spends his days quietly scanning the Times obituary columns for news of Queen Elizabeth II, knowing that when she finally does pass away, his 1986 Album ‘The Queen is Dead’ will most likely be swept to number 1 by a sombre, patriotic nation.
Morrissey practising his mournful look
“We [The Smiths] toyed with the idea of a perennial Christmas song, like Mariah Carey and Wham did, but the market was a bit crowded, so ‘How Soon is Christmas?’ eventually became the track we all know as ‘How Soon is Now?’, and ‘Santa in a Coma’ just got binned,” chirped the happy-go-lucky crooner.
“Then Johnny [Marr] said we should put down a track that played the long game – a little retirement bonus for us if you will – and we bounced around some ideas for blue ocean strategies, where we would be guaranteed to be the go-to track when some inevitable future event happened.”
That track was ‘The Queen is Dead’, and the album of the same name became one of the defining albums of the eighties, but Morrissey expects a revival of its success when the Queen finally does die.
Morrissey points to the boost Prince got when 1999 eventually happened, and the windfall enjoyed by The Primitives following the death of Princess Diana, and chuckles, “This is one set of royalties I’m really looking forward to.”
Bank, then a launderette, now a poundshop.
From the outside, it looked like any other High Street Bank. But behind the heavy wooden doors, a laundering operation was providing services for working people with no washing machines of their own.
Documents obtained by the Evening Harold from the local Planning Committee reveal conclusively that a ‘change of use’ application was approved in 1959, subject to the building retaining its original facade.
“I’m not surprised at all,” said Doris Kettle who remembers well the massive ‘just one more sixpence’ launderette drying machine swindle of the 1960s.
SOME DRIVERS LOST CONTROL WHILST AVOIDING STROLLING CHEWERS
Retired Colonel, Richard Blimp has called for a ban on people smoking fags and chewing gum near the Cenotaph.
“The first memorial was erected for a peace parade a hundred years ago” he said “but we’ve managed to wrestle it back for the jingo.”
Blimp believes that soldiers who died in war would be appalled by people enjoying the freedom they gave their lives for and peacefully wandering past the Cenotaph whilst idly smoking, chewing gum, or listening to the Chris Evans breakfast show.
Barbaric and medieval.
It was once the nation’s least-favourite toilet paper, but Izal may soon be available again in selected outlets.
“Obviously, the name Izal is a bit soiled by association now,” said Harold businessman Woodrow Gunther, who has acquired the firm for £1, “so we needed a new brand name. We were thinking about that unique combination of sprouts and Quality Street and alcohol and dried fruit and sprouts and After Eights and alcohol you get at Christmas, and very quickly came up with the name Dash!.”
“The problem with Izal,” he explained, “is that it’s been smeared thanks to Obama using a sound-alike word to refer to Islamic State. So that was a bummer.” Continue reading
The atmosphere was electric. Probably all the nylon.
Following the successful remake of 1970’s classics such as The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, Poldark and a militant left wing Labour Party, the BBC has announced that it is to reboot the 1979 BBC Election special as a 10 part serial. Continue reading
Tricky… Tricky choice…
After realising that Jeremy Corbyn is the first politician since the dawn of time to not be a corrupt lying bastard, the hundred thousand Conservative supporters who paid £3 to vote for him have all decided he’s actually the best of a bad lot, and the’re going to stick around.
“I paid my money to vote Corbyn, thinking I was consigning Labour to electoral oblivion,” admitted Brian Refrew of Harold. “It all seemed to go really well, but having heard him talk just after reading an Iain Duncan Smith quote, I thought ‘fuck it, I’m on the wrong side’.”
Somewhat surprisingly, the Daily Telegraph, who ran a campaign to get readers to vote for Corbyn, has also come out in favour of the left-winger.
In a editorial entitled “Bugger us, it’s obvious now we think about it”, the paper has urged its readers to pay the extra money to become full Labour members, and has demanded better treatment of refugees “just because it’s the right thing to do, which surprises us as much as you, if we’re honest”.
Bugger. Bugger, bugger, bugger.
Hopes of an imminent release of Sir John Chilcot’s Gulf War enquiry were dashed today, after it emerged that Chilcot has been mistakenly examining the causes of the first Gulf War, not the second.
The first Gulf War ran from 1990-91, and started when Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait. John Major was the British Prime minister when the anti-Iraq coalition started its bombing campaign, and there has never been any suggestion that this was anything other than a perfectly legal response to an act of aggression, and certainly not the sort of bloodthirsty murder that certain other Prime Ministers might get you into.
Venue has agreed to install a ramp
The UK has become a brutally sadistic society in which the height of entertainment is the desperate sight of an elderly lady falling over, it was revealed last night.
Millions of British citizens who would have claimed to be kind-hearted were openly mocking the misfortune of someone old enough to be their grandmother who did nothing more than stumble in unfamiliar surroundings.
Madonna, 94, a veteran of two world wars and the sole remaining person alive to have met Napoleon, had a fall at a youngsters’ ball last night, surrounded by a group of dancing people who seemed happy to pretend nothing had happened.
“It is sad, very sad,” despaired Albert Renfrew, Professor of Sociology at the University of Harold. “In a country where we ostensibly care for our old people, we are happy to laugh at Madonna falling on her arse like a sack of hammers.”
“If people in their nineties can’t strip down to their underwear, pretend to be culturally relevant and marry teenagers, then I don’t know what we’re coming to. Mind you, it was fucking hilarious, wasn’t it?”
A spokesperson from the charity Age Concern pointed out that cuts to the Winter Fuel Allowance were probably the reason that Madonna had taken to wearing a cape in the first place, and called on concerned citizens to send her their old blankets.
Daily Mail owner, left, with friend
It has been announced that December 28th is from now on to be the day when we should all remember that just prior to the Second World War, English newspaper the Daily Mail was actively supporting the Nazi dictator Hitler, we’ve just decided.
The decision to have a special day to remind people that behind the Mail’s paper-thin facade of middle class respectability lurks a creepingly foul fascist cesspit has been in the pipeline for a while, but finally came to fruition following the paper’s story today about the Queen’s correspondence with former nutter and cannibal Idi Amin.
Filed under Media, Nostalgia
“See? Everyone likes me.”
London cabbie Brian Knowledge has spoken of his “shame” after being secretly recorded having a conversation with despised former Conservative cabinet minister David Mellor.
Mellor made the recording secretly and passed it to The Sun in an attempt to prove that there are still people alive prepared to talk to him.
In the recording the taxi driver can be heard asking Mr Mellor whether “he is doing anything nice for Christmas this year,” and sharing a joke at the expense of Arsenal Football Club.
Mellor told The Sun: “This man and I had a perfectly friendly chat, and he didn’t once laugh at me or call me an arsehole. They said it couldn’t be done.”
The 1970s – just one of the decades in which people were born.
Are you a child of the 1970s? Did you grow up in one of the UK’s favourite decades? Bathe in nostalgia as our top five list takes you back down memory lane!
1 – Milk. Ah! Milk! Can you remember milk? This off-white fluid was drained from cows by the bucketload, and snapped up by shoppers in exchange for money. Perhaps you drank it, or wore vials of it as a status symbol. It proved so popular, some still buy it today!
2 – Television. It had been around for a while, but tvs were still available in the 70s. Right through from January 1970, to the very end of 1979. Like today, it bought household names right into our living rooms: household names we would later realise were notorious paedophiles.
3 – Shoes. You weren’t anyone in the 70s without a set of shoes to speak of. Perhaps you had more than one, or as many as six? Worn on the feet, they made walking a real possibility. Tell that to kids these days and they just won’t believe you.
4 – Thursdays. A week in the 70s wasn’t a proper week unless there was a Thursday in it! Along with Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Thursdays survive to this day, despite campaigners at the time calling for a three-day week. Not to be confused with Flimsday, which was discontinued in 1978.
5 – School. Like a big house nearby where you went to learn things, many children in the 1970s whiled away their days in a ‘school’. There were no teachers back then of course: just a cobweb-filled basement. And an elderly man in his underpants who would poke you with Kitkats.