Staff at the Daily Mail – think of the Minions from Despicable Me then imagine it being remade in Hell – are bouncing into work this morning ready for the start of Poppy Hunting Season which runs from now until 11th November during which they attack anyone in the public eye who isn’t wearing a poppy at all times.
Category Archives: Media
Left-leaning BBC reports Corbyn’s speech at Glastonbury but ignores Mrs May’s at Bekonscot model village
In a clear display of media bias, the BBC fawned over Jeremy Corbyn’s ramblings to a mere hundred thousand hippies at an obscure “music festival” but ignored Theresa May’s inspiring message to dozens of plaster figurines at a well-known model village.
Plaster villagers holding cute little Vote Conservative posters, stood in silence, as if transfixed, while the PM reprised her finest speeches Continue reading
Paul Dacre has concluded he might have been more critical of Jeremy Corbyn, by at least hinting at the Labour leader’s support for paedophilia.
“It’s a weakness of mine, I guess.” confessed the Daily Mail Editor, after a weekend of rare introspection, “By always looking for the best in people, I may have let Corbyn off the hook, by mistake.”
“Yes, we said he’s a terrorist supporter and although we couldn’t prove it, reading between our lines it was clear he was behind the recent terror attacks, even if Continue reading
Katy Hopkins, the giant festering turd on the UK’s online news stand, has given Britain the shot in the arm it needs by getting sacked for being herself.
By any measure, this week has been a shitty one for Britain. Innocents slaughtered at a music concert, just for being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong man.
Grown up politicians, who really should know better, paused from making up stuff about themselves and others, but for only a couple of days.
Roger Moore, Continue reading
Katharine Viner the editor of the Guardian, a former left of centre newspaper turned heavily moderated online identity politics forum, says that she’s proud of all the campaigning it’s doing for the Tories. Continue reading
Answer to the question: name a tabloid columnist many times more despicable than Katie Hopkins, Kelvin MacKenzie, went on an astonishing rampage in the moments after he was sacked from the Sun.
The Evening Harold has been exclusively tipped off by senior members of South Yorkshire police (who weren’t there) that the portly prevaricator ran amok fighting members of the emergency services and stealing from anyone he could get close to. Continue reading
New online site WikiTribune, dedicated to reporting only factually correct news, has closed down only days after its launch, due to the lack of any properly verified reports.
“The only story we had,” said founder Jimmy Wales, “was about a member of our own staff who had to take the day off after her goldfish died. But she couldn’t say for certain the age of the fish as she had won it in a raffle last week.”
We caught up with Mrs [name withheld], who confessed she made up the goldfish excuse to get the day off. Continue reading
The thing you trod in but can’t scrape off your boots however hard you try in human form, Kelvin MacKenzie, has applied the Sun’s equal op’s policy and compared Everton’s Ross Barclay, who has Nigerian heritage, to a gorilla at a zoo.
MacKenzie had been worried that there might yet be some in the city of Liverpool who he hadn’t offended by printing a series of lies about the Hillsborough disaster.
“You know, idiots or those who are both blind and deaf. Maybe someone with severe dementia or in a persistent vegetative Continue reading
Damien Chazelle, winner of the 2017 Academy Award for Best Director for his film La La Land, has confirmed he is already working on a new musical.
Carry On Up The Oscars is described as part-comedy, part-tragedy as it retells one of the biggest news stories ever, the Great Academy Awards Cock-Up of 2017.
The plot centres round envelopes getting mixed up, as seen through the eyes of PWC accountant Brian Cullinan and is to be filmed mainly in the wings. Russian agents, posing in a variety of backstage roles such as make-up assistants and coffee waiters, Continue reading
Mindless drunken bellow of rage echoing out of a piss-stained alley at closing time in word form, the Sun, is demanding that the UK closes its borders to anyone who isn’t a small child wearing a poppy.
“Anyone who doesn’t wear a poppy AT ALL TIMES is not British enough to be part of our great society,” thundered the paper owned by a man who’s so patriotic he swapped nationalities for tax purposes. “This great country should only accept tots, little tiny tots wearing poppies looking photogenically bewildered as the clutch their teddies, teddies made in Britain wearing poppies, for comfort.” Continue reading
The Judge in the Helen Titchener trial has suspended proceedings after finding that some of the jury had been following the events leading up to the trial by listening to their lives on “Radio 4” and could not be expected to give an unbiased verdict based solely on the evidence presented in court.
Despite being the embodiment of no sane person’s values and an enemy of tolerance and reason the Daily Mail remains massively popular with everyone who claims to hate it.
“It’s a disgusting rag,” said local estate agent Gill Gates. “It hates women and relentlessly promotes division. I believe it represents the very worst aspects of our society. How often do I read it? Oh all the time. It’s on my bookmarks bar and I like to keep up with it so I can have lots of stuff to be outraged at throughout the day.” Continue reading
Ken Livingstone has pissed off so many people that now even newts have taken to ignoring him in public, it was revealed today.
Like the sad old uncle who drinks too much sherry at Christmas and believes everyone is interested in his incontinent ramblings, Livingstone seems to have convinced himself that because he has read some pages in Wikipedia, everyone will eventually slap their thighs and tell him how clever he is.
In fact, the entire world is shuffling its feet in embarrassment, wondering if it really isn’t time to start considering some kind of home for the old fellow.
“I used to be right behind Ken,” admitted ‘Barry’, a ringtailed leaping newt from Putney. “But lately, me and the rest of the guys in the pond just think he’s being a bit weird.”
“If you were to ask my honest opinion, I’d say he’s pissed. And I should know.”
“I’m a newt.”
In a tearful interview with ITN’s Robert Peston, David Cameron has been forced to disclose that he’s not the fabulously wealthy millionaire many of his inner circle believed.
“I feel conned,” said one city banker. “He’s not getting invited round my mansion again.”
Cameron spoke at length about how he was often on the verge of bankruptcy, how the mortgage company lay in wait, ready to repossess his home and sell it cheap at auction to a builder; and how he was forced to sneak down the food banks late at night disguised as a heroin addict and buy his suits from Oxfam.
“Samantha gives me earache every time I go overdrawn,” he said.
This is the first time Cameron has come clean about his true state of poverty. And properly wealthy members of his inner circle are already beginning to distance themselves from him for his hypocrisy.
Media attention was diverted away from the Mossack Fonseca revelations today, following a leak of information from the UK Treasury Office which appears to implicate a former Labour Chancellor in what George Osborne described as the ‘biggest financial scam ever’.
“Gordon Brown siphoned off millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money into a secret tax haven known only by its codename,” said a communiqué issued by the Treasury. “They called it The Public Purse.”
Retired Colonel, Richard Blimp has called for a ban on people smoking fags and chewing gum near the Cenotaph.
“The first memorial was erected for a peace parade a hundred years ago” he said “but we’ve managed to wrestle it back for the jingo.”
Blimp believes that soldiers who died in war would be appalled by people enjoying the freedom they gave their lives for and peacefully wandering past the Cenotaph whilst idly smoking, chewing gum, or listening to the Chris Evans breakfast show.
The UK’s first new national newspaper for 30 years launches next week and is aimed at “piss-poor” readers, says its editor.
Speaking on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, Alison Phillips said: “Thank you so much for five minutes of free advertising on national radio. The New Day costs 50 pence and our logo is a picture of a 50 pence coin, in case our semi-literate readers are also innumerate. Of course, we’re printing it in Comic Sans with markers on the pages eg Top, Front, Start Here, The End
As the north continues to be battered by floods the Guardian newspaper has decided to blame the whole thing on Jeremy Corbyn.
“Ever since he became leader our stance has very much been when the news is nasty or scaremy, don’t think, just blame Jeremy,” Guardian editor Katharine Viner told us. “And the floods are a perfect excuse to carry on.” Continue reading