Category Archives: Media

Glorious 20th: Daily Mail begins annual hunt of celebrities not wearing poppies

Paul Dacre: editor of the Daily Mail. We could add more but that first sentence seems damming enough.

Staff at the Daily Mail – think of the Minions from Despicable Me then imagine it being remade in Hell – are bouncing into work this morning ready for the start of Poppy Hunting Season which runs from now until 11th November during which they attack anyone in the public eye who isn’t wearing a poppy at all times.

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Left-leaning BBC reports Corbyn’s speech at Glastonbury but ignores Mrs May’s at Bekonscot model village

PM’s inspiring speech to dozens of plaster figurines, simply ignored by BBC

In a clear display of media bias, the BBC fawned over Jeremy Corbyn’s ramblings to a mere hundred thousand hippies at an obscure “music festival” but ignored Theresa May’s inspiring message to dozens of plaster figurines at a well-known model village.

Plaster villagers holding cute little Vote Conservative posters, stood in silence, as if transfixed, while the PM reprised her finest speeches Continue reading

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Daily Mail regrets not being more critical of Jeremy Corbyn

Made no mention of paedophilia

Paul Dacre has concluded he might have been more critical of  Jeremy Corbyn, by at least hinting at the Labour leader’s support for paedophilia.

“It’s a weakness of mine, I guess.” confessed the Daily Mail Editor, after a weekend of rare introspection, “By always looking for the best in people, I may have let Corbyn off the hook, by mistake.”

“Yes, we said he’s a terrorist supporter and although we couldn’t prove it, reading between our lines it was clear he was behind the recent terror attacks, even if Continue reading

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Katy Hopkins: Shit gets flushed

Shit flushed away

Katy Hopkins, the giant festering turd on the UK’s online news stand, has given Britain the shot in the arm it needs by getting sacked for being herself.

By any measure, this week has been a shitty one for Britain. Innocents slaughtered at a music concert, just for being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong man.

Grown up politicians, who really should know better, paused from making up stuff about themselves and others, but for only a couple of days.

Roger Moore, Continue reading

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Guardian’s campaigning for the Tories “going brilliantly” says editor

Katharine Viner the editor of the Guardian, a former left of centre newspaper turned heavily moderated online identity politics forum, says that she’s proud of all the campaigning it’s doing for the Tories. Continue reading

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Kelvin MacKenzie: The Truth – picked pockets and urinated on policeman when fired

One must have a heart of stone to read the sacking of fat Kelvin without laughing

Answer to the question: name a tabloid columnist many times more despicable than Katie Hopkins, Kelvin MacKenzie, went on an astonishing rampage in the moments after he was sacked from the Sun.

The Evening Harold has been exclusively tipped off by senior members of South Yorkshire police (who weren’t there) that the portly prevaricator ran amok fighting members of the emergency services and stealing from anyone he could get close to. Continue reading

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WikiTribune site closes due to lack of factual news

That’s cleared that up then.

New online site WikiTribune, dedicated to reporting only factually correct news, has closed down only days after its launch, due to the lack of any properly verified reports.

“The only story we had,” said founder Jimmy Wales, “was about a member of our own staff who had to take the day off after her goldfish died. But she couldn’t say for certain the age of the fish as she had won it in a raffle last week.”

We caught up with Mrs [name withheld], who confessed she made up the goldfish excuse to get the day off. Continue reading

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Sun’s equal op’s policy sees Kelvin MacKenzie offend every Everton fan

Kelvin MacKenzie, what’s not to like?

The thing you trod in but can’t scrape off your boots however hard you try in human form, Kelvin MacKenzie, has applied the Sun’s equal op’s policy and compared Everton’s Ross Barclay, who has Nigerian heritage, to a gorilla at a zoo.

MacKenzie had been worried that there might yet be some in the city of Liverpool who he hadn’t offended by printing a series of lies about the Hillsborough disaster.

“You know, idiots or those who are both  blind and deaf. Maybe someone with severe dementia or in a persistent vegetative Continue reading

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New Hollywood musical Carry On Up The Oscars looks set to be a blockbuster

Wasn’t he in Star Wars?

Damien Chazelle, winner of the 2017 Academy Award for Best Director for his film La La Land, has confirmed he is already working on a new musical.

Carry On Up The Oscars is described as part-comedy, part-tragedy as it retells one of the biggest news stories ever, the Great Academy Awards Cock-Up of 2017.

The plot centres round envelopes getting mixed up, as seen through the eyes of PWC accountant Brian Cullinan and is to be filmed mainly in the wings. Russian agents, posing in a variety of backstage roles such as make-up assistants and coffee waiters, Continue reading

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Sun launches campaign for UK to only accept child migrants wearing poppies

vetran-bear

Wave this at the Border Force and it’s as good as a visa

Mindless drunken bellow of rage echoing out of a piss-stained alley at closing time in word form, the Sun, is demanding that the UK closes its borders to anyone who isn’t a small child wearing a poppy.

“Anyone who doesn’t wear a poppy AT ALL TIMES is not British enough to be part of our great society,” thundered the paper owned by a man who’s so patriotic he swapped nationalities for tax purposes. “This great country should only accept tots, little tiny tots wearing poppies looking photogenically bewildered as the clutch their teddies, teddies made in Britain wearing poppies, for comfort.” Continue reading

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Mistrial called in Titchener case after jury members found to be Archers fans

archers2

In happier times, before a ratings boost became necessary

The Judge in the Helen Titchener trial has suspended proceedings after finding that some of the jury had been following the events leading up to the trial by listening to their lives on “Radio 4” and could not be expected to give an unbiased verdict based solely on the evidence presented in court.

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“Because chickens are c****”: Jamie Oliver signs deal with intensive farming company

jamies-fat

“Fuck feathers and fuck you!” Jamie Oliver, 2016

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People who say they hate the Daily Mail still reading it constantly

dacre

Every time you click on the Daily Mail Paul Dacre rips the wings off an angel

Despite being the embodiment of no sane person’s values and an enemy of tolerance and reason the Daily Mail remains massively popular with everyone who claims to hate it.

“It’s a disgusting rag,” said local estate agent Gill Gates. “It hates women and relentlessly promotes division. I believe it represents the very worst aspects of our society. How often do I read it? Oh all the time. It’s on my bookmarks bar and I like to keep up with it so I can have lots of stuff to be outraged at throughout the day.” Continue reading

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Even newts denouncing Ken Livingstone

newty ken

Ken and newt, in happier days

Ken Livingstone has pissed off so many people that now even newts have taken to ignoring him in public, it was revealed today.

Like the sad old uncle who drinks too much sherry at Christmas and believes everyone is interested in his incontinent ramblings, Livingstone seems to have convinced himself that because he has read some pages in Wikipedia, everyone will eventually slap their thighs and tell him how clever he is.

In fact, the entire world is shuffling its feet in embarrassment, wondering if it really isn’t time to start considering some kind of home for the old fellow.

“I used to be right behind Ken,” admitted ‘Barry’, a ringtailed leaping newt from Putney. “But lately, me and the rest of the guys in the pond just think he’s being a bit weird.”

“If you were to ask my honest opinion, I’d say he’s pissed. And I should know.”

“I’m a newt.”

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Embarrassment for Cameron as his friends find out he’s not so wealthy after all

Bankrupt, both financially and morally.

Bankrupt, both financially and morally.

In a tearful interview with ITN’s Robert Peston, David Cameron has been forced to disclose that he’s not the fabulously wealthy millionaire many of his inner circle believed.

“I feel conned,” said one city banker.  “He’s not getting invited round my mansion again.”

Cameron spoke at length about how he was often on the verge of bankruptcy, how the mortgage company lay in wait, ready to repossess his home and sell it cheap at auction to a builder; and how he was forced to sneak down the food banks late at night disguised as a heroin addict and buy his suits from Oxfam.

“Samantha gives me earache every time I go overdrawn,” he said.

This is the first time Cameron has come clean about his true state of poverty.  And properly wealthy members of his inner circle are already beginning to distance themselves from him for his hypocrisy.

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Gordon Brown ‘siphoned off millions into tax haven,’ say Tories

browningarden

“Incredibly, he even boasted about it,” says George Osborne

Media attention was diverted away from the Mossack Fonseca revelations today, following a leak of information from the UK Treasury Office which appears to implicate a former Labour Chancellor in what George Osborne described as the ‘biggest financial scam ever’.

“Gordon Brown siphoned off millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money into a secret tax haven known only by its codename,” said a communiqué issued by the Treasury. “They called it The Public Purse.”

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Calls for pedestrians to stop chewing gum near the Cenotaph

SOME DRIVERS LOST CONTROL WHILST AVOIDING STROLLING CHEWERS

Retired Colonel, Richard Blimp has called for a ban on people smoking fags and chewing gum near the Cenotaph.

“The first memorial was erected for a peace parade a hundred years ago” he said “but we’ve managed to wrestle it back for the jingo.”

Blimp believes that soldiers who died in war would be appalled by people enjoying the freedom they gave their lives for and peacefully wandering past the Cenotaph whilst idly smoking, chewing gum, or listening to the Chris Evans breakfast show.

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New newspaper will target people who don’t read newspapers

newday

Mock-up of front page. Final version will be in Comic Sans and have a 50p logo

The UK’s first new national newspaper for 30 years launches next week and is  aimed at “piss-poor” readers, says its editor.

Speaking on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, Alison Phillips said: “Thank you so much for five minutes of free advertising on national radio. The New Day costs 50 pence and our logo is a picture of a 50 pence coin, in case our semi-literate readers are also innumerate. Of course, we’re printing it in Comic Sans with markers on the pages eg Top, Front, Start Here, The End

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Earth is 2 dimensional, insists one dimensional pop star.

bob-rapper

B.o.B contemplating serious things.

Hippety hoppity rap singer and renowned expert in cartography and basic astrophysics, B.o.B has amused and amazed his fans on social media recently by declaring his belief that the world is flat. Continue reading

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Guardian blames Jeremy Corbyn for floods

He’s staring at the sky to summon more rain. And Cthulhu.

As the north continues to be battered by floods the Guardian newspaper has decided to blame the whole thing on Jeremy Corbyn.

“Ever since he became leader our stance has very much been when the news is nasty or scaremy, don’t think, just blame Jeremy,” Guardian editor Katharine Viner told us. “And the floods are a perfect excuse to carry on.” Continue reading

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