Category Archives: Europe

Liam Fox: “EU mustn’t blackmail UK” (he himself has never been blackmailed)

“Does my head look big in this studio? And it’s Doctor Fox to you, you BBC bastards.”

Liam Fox says choosing the word ‘blackmail’, to warn about the EU’s Brexit approach, wasn’t informed by personal experiences of being blackmailed over something from his past he’d prefer to keep private, locked away, in a closet.

In fact, Fox believes words should be carefully used. As a former GP, he insists on being called Doctor Fox and addresses colleagues in like manner; Journalist Gove, Serial Business Failure Rudd, and Congenital Liar Johnson. Continue reading

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David Davis explains slowness of Brexit talks: “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“It’s not fair.” Davis is upset that the EU is clearly negotiating in its own best interests,

“The thing is,” said David Davis, answering questions on the glacial progress of the Brexit talks “I haven’t a clue how the EU works. So it’s no surprise things are going slowly.”

“To be honest,” Davis went on “none of us know. Not Michael, not Boris, definitely not Theresa. When I ask the other side for help they Continue reading

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Mrs May pledges buckets of chips for everyone

Mrs May negotiating a chip.

The Conservative Party has started its campaign of checking the quality of chips in every town in the country.

“I have been absolutely clear right from the start that the foundation of a strong economy is a good plate of chips,” she told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.

“Historically, we’ve always been a nation built on potatoes and we welcome the diversity of modern potato products, like crisps and waffles, along with the more traditional formats, such as roast potatoes and, of course, chips.  Not to mention jacket potatoes, which provide not only carbohydrates but also clothing for poor people.” Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, Civil rights, Economy, environment, Europe, Farming, Food, Lifestyle, Politics

Shrugging competition to decide French Election

“So?”

With the far left Melenchon running neck and neck with the far right Le Pen in the polls, France is left with only one method to choose between them.  A shrugging competition.

Points will be awarded for excessive shrugging postures accompanied by exaggerated facial expressions and nasal honking noises in a live display by the two candidates.

Melenchon is thought to have the edge when it comes to holding a shrug for an extended period, while Le Pen’s strength lies more in the broad variety of styles in her shrugging arsenal. Continue reading

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Theresa May drafts her Dear Jean (Claude Juncker) letter

The Evening Harold has gained access to the first draft of the Prime Minister’s Article 50-triggering ‘Dear Jean’ letter, reproduced here as a world exclusive.

Dear Jean,
There is no easy way to say this, but it’s time we split up and went our separate ways.
It’s not you, it’s 52% of me.

I need some time on my own without the worries of ongoing strained relationships with close union countries.

I’d like to remain friends if we can, even better if we could be “friends with benefits” maybe get together regularly in the next few years in order to fuck each other over?

Remember, there are plenty more fish in the sea (as long as you have the correct territorial and correctly ratified multi border EU council fisheries agreement, and you must throw back half of the ones you catch anyway).

Yours as ever in splendid isolation,

  • Theresa

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Irony implodes: Nick Griffin to emigrate

Sean Spicer & Nick Griffin, never seen in the same room

Sean Spicer’s less intelligent dodgy uncle look-alike, Nick Griffin, plans to inflict himself on the unsuspecting Hungarians later this year.

Griffin spoke in glowing terms of the growing ”nationalist emigre community” in Hungary, where he’ll move to later this year. He will continue to be politically active though, campaigning for less immigration and stronger national borders.

Laws of quantum physics were suspended yesterday, as Oxford English Dictionaries failed to fit this proposition into Einsteins general theory of relativity. Continue reading

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Literary critics hail Chancellor’s petrol tank analogy

Saving it all for a rainy day.

Language experts have welcomed Philip Hammond’s use of simplified English to explain esoteric financial matters to the general public.

“I struggle to avoid glazing over when economists refer to complex fiscal concepts like ‘contingency fund’,” said literary critic Peter Pentop, “but the idea of putting petrol in the tank before embarking on a car journey suddenly makes everything clear. I guess he’s putting up fuel duty from midnight.”
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Filed under Business, Economy, Europe, Labour, NHS, Politics, Society

Boris Johnson ‘is sure’ Europe is still fine with WW2 analogies

boris_johnson

I’m going as Winston Churchill next month

The UK’s embarrassing Foreign Secretary says EU countries are delighted to be pejoratively linked to the second World War.

Having previously got away with comparing EU ambitions with those of Hitler, Boris Johnson has tried out another one by warning the French not to give the UK “punishment beatings” for Brexit “in the manner of some World War Two movie”.

“That’ll be fine.” said the entitled old Etonian, when questioned about the wisdom of such comments with EU goodwill at a premium.

“Johny foreigner love a bit of Boris Banter. Last week I walked into the EU Foreign Affairs meeting with my hands cupped over my eyes. Like this – see, goggles – humming the Dam Busters March. Continue reading

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After moaning about misspent EU cash, UKIP to repay misspent EU cash

farage

Farage tries to find out which clown had been in charge

“Just because I’ve gone on and on and on about the lack of EU audits,” says Nigel Farage “people I’ve accused of financial incompetence, or worse, have checked up on us and found we’re incompetent, or worse. It’s as if they don’t like me for some strange reason.”

Mr Farage said that he was angry to learn that UKIP had misspent EU funds on campaigning for Brexit.

Calling on the party to identify what sort of clown had been in charge during the campaign, he Continue reading

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Theresa May’s 1am speech “well received” by waiters and cleaning staff

may5

“I’m in Room 264. What’s your policy on withdrawal?”

For her first PM speech at the EU summit, Theresa May was given a prestigious slot, between the traditional ceremonies of “Clearing the coffee cups” and “Laying the breakfast tables”.

After thanking her hosts for the honour of “the last speech”, with time limits enforced by Nicholas Parsons, Continue reading

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Nicolas Sarkozy demands Disneyland Paris be shifted to Britain

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Va te faire foutre, souris de merde!

Shouty gnome on a mission to make everything at least twelve per cent more dreadful, Nicolas Sarkozy, has made a speech calling for Disneyland Paris to be moved to the other side of the Channel. Continue reading

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‘You voted for this shit, you deal with it’ Cameron tells Britain

See *that* exit? I'm going through it asap

See *that* exit? I’m going through it asap

David Cameron has told Britain that somebody else can deal with all of the shit that will come from leaving the EU, because he is not having it.

“Every economic forecaster said what would happen in the event of a vote to Leave, but you chose to believe Nigel Farage instead.” said Cameron, already packing his Margaret Thatcher memorabilia into a cardboard box.

“Falling stocks, a nosedive for the pound, early warnings of job losses from business, but that’s ok apparently, because you were made vague promises about immigration and the NHS. Well you can deal with it your fucking selves.”

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Public now nostalgic for when the news, social media was all celebrity deaths

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

The dreadful sequence of deaths of much-loved musicians, comedians and actors that saw in the year now looks like a golden age of feel-good news against the nightly horror show the public suffer now, says everyone.

As sad as it was to lose Bowie, Rickman, Wogan and Wood, there was a sense of gladness for having known them and their work which is completely absent from the current onslaught of unadulterated misery.

And as a bewildering bonfire of hatred and rage threatens to engulf their Facebook timelines, people are longing for a return to the simple times when all they had to do was tweet about how sad they are that a singer has died.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, breaking news, Entertainment, EU referendum, Europe, Facebook, Law and Order, News, Nostalgia, Obituary, Showbusiness, Social media, Society, USA

Farage on Brexit “we’ll lose the bad stuff & keep all the good bits, we’re not mad.”

pub_landlord_farage

Trust me, I was a commodities trader

UKIP’s leader has clarified that, after a Leave vote, all the good things about the EU will carry on because it’s only the bad things that will disappear.

“May I give you an analogy?” roared Farage, adding, without a pause “It’s like a divorce. The jilted one won’t shred the contents of their partner’s wardrobe and scatter the smoking remnants in the front garden. Or leave his classic vinyl collection in the microwave.” Continue reading

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Cameron and Johnson both wrong about terror threat, say ISIS

borisdave2

Is that you’re best shot, you pussy? My mother has a stronger grip.

Islamic State have hit back in the row between David Cameron and Boris Johnson over the terror threat level. Cameron says leaving the EU will make the UK more vulnerable; Johnson says the opposite.

“Praise the Lord, Brexit or not to Brexit makes no f*cking difference,” said ISIS in a Tweet translated by Google.

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New theme park ‘En-Ger-Land’ may open in 2020

farage_braying

“En-Ger-Land, En-Ger-Land, En-Ger-Land… oh and Scotland too”

En-Ger-Land, a fantasy theme park which could encompass the entire country by 2020, may undermine prospects for a UK version of ‘Disneyland’ due to open in Kent the following year.

A company spokesperson, Mr Farage, explained how, if the shareholders give the go-ahead on 23rd June, he will start work the next day. “We’ll be rolling out traditional village pubs across the country; with jolly landlords reminiscing about a better time when no one was black or gay Continue reading

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Part-Kenyan Obama’s ancestral hatred of Britain ‘tip of the iceberg’ says new report

Is this some kind of bust?

Is this some kind of bust?

Obama’s removal of the Churchill bust from the Oval Office confirmed, as Boris Johnson pointed out in his article for The Sun newspaper, that he carries the anti-Brit gene inherited from his Kenyan side, but a new report suggests that this is just the latest in a long line of US Presidents unable to think or act rationally due to dodgy DNA.

The damning report slammed several post-war US presidents, and if speculations are to be believed, what they could have done to the Churchill statue behind closed doors makes what Obama did look pale by comparison.

Dwight Eisenhower – or to give his surname its proper spelling ‘Eisenhauer’ – was of course part German, a country with whom Britain has seldom been allies. Therefore, the report claims, he almost definitely carried the anti-UK mutation, even if he was not aware of it. Despite their good relationship in real life, some suggest that in private, Eisenhower could have made fun of our nation’s greatest leader by making the statue eat sauerkraut or sausages with mustard on.

Fast forward to the sixties and we find part-Irish John F. Kennedy in the Whitehouse. The report points out that the Irish ancestral hatred of Britain is second-to-none, and it is thought that while praising Churchill in public, it is most likely Kennedy allowed his many mistresses to give him oral sex in full view of Britain’s war-time PM’s disapproving statue eyes.

Another part-Irish chief executive, Bill Clinton, is likely to have done even worse, maybe full sex, or anal, and Clinton’s now-infamous ‘cigar incident’ could well have been a direct mocking reference to Churchill’s fondness for smoking them in his tight-lipped yet moist, yielding mouth.

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics, Sex, War

Aston Villa found buried beneath Roman Villa

Waste land may be bought up by NCP.

Waste land may be bought up by NCP.

Following the unearthing of a Roman Villa during a barn conversion job in Wiltshire, the archaeologists had another surprise when they dug up a mosaic floor and found Aston Villa underneath that.

“We knew they were on the verge of relegation,” said Dr David Roberts, an Historic England archaeologist, “but hadn’t quite appreciated just how low a team can go.  This one was buried under a thick layer of alluvial sediment.”

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Filed under Banal History, Dating, Europe, Lost and Found, News, Sport

“Pot accuses Kettle of using ‘spin, smears and threats'”

Iain-Duncan-Smithangry

“Say that again and I’ll punch your lights out. I used to be world heavyweight boxing champion”

A well-known Pot, usually found lying to and threatening the vulnerable, has complained that some Kettles campaigning to remain in the EU, are using dishonest, bullying tactics.

The one-time ‘Quiet Pot’ is thought to be such an expert on spin that it wouldn’t recognise the truth; even if it was scrubbed, primped, and wearing a satin evening-gown, with the words ‘The Truth’ sewed on front and back in flashing sequins.

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Cthulhu declares support for Brexit

Cthulhu

Still a less weird Brexit supporter than Farage

Monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and keen Hollyoaks fan, Cthulhu, has declared its support for the UK leaving the European Union.

“I think it will be easier to rise from the stone city of R’lyeh and usher in an era of madness that will destroy humans’ minds along with civilisation itself when the UK is unable to so easily sign European players to the Premiership and the cost of flights has increased slightly,” it said. Continue reading

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