David Davis explains slowness of Brexit talks: “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“It’s not fair.” Davis is upset that the EU is clearly negotiating in its own best interests,

“The thing is,” said David Davis, answering questions on the glacial progress of the Brexit talks “I haven’t a clue how the EU works. So it’s no surprise things are going slowly.”

“To be honest,” Davis went on “none of us know. Not Michael, not Boris, definitely not Theresa. When I ask the other side for help they just ignore me.”

The Brexit Secretary admits if he’d thought Vote Leave would win, he’d have found out more about it and thinks the EU side have an unfair advantage.

“I feel like such a fool.” he said “the EU team start sniggering behind their hands whenever I speak and now Michel Barnier has spilled the beans, the whole world is laughing at me.”

“It’s not all bad news though,” said Davis, briefly brightening. “I’ve a nice new name badge – do you see? It’s even got a hologram, to stop anyone pretending to be me at the talks. No, I expect you’re right.” he added gloomily “Not that many”.