Tag Archives: obama

Part-Kenyan Obama’s ancestral hatred of Britain ‘tip of the iceberg’ says new report

Is this some kind of bust?

Is this some kind of bust?

Obama’s removal of the Churchill bust from the Oval Office confirmed, as Boris Johnson pointed out in his article for The Sun newspaper, that he carries the anti-Brit gene inherited from his Kenyan side, but a new report suggests that this is just the latest in a long line of US Presidents unable to think or act rationally due to dodgy DNA.

The damning report slammed several post-war US presidents, and if speculations are to be believed, what they could have done to the Churchill statue behind closed doors makes what Obama did look pale by comparison.

Dwight Eisenhower – or to give his surname its proper spelling ‘Eisenhauer’ – was of course part German, a country with whom Britain has seldom been allies. Therefore, the report claims, he almost definitely carried the anti-UK mutation, even if he was not aware of it. Despite their good relationship in real life, some suggest that in private, Eisenhower could have made fun of our nation’s greatest leader by making the statue eat sauerkraut or sausages with mustard on.

Fast forward to the sixties and we find part-Irish John F. Kennedy in the Whitehouse. The report points out that the Irish ancestral hatred of Britain is second-to-none, and it is thought that while praising Churchill in public, it is most likely Kennedy allowed his many mistresses to give him oral sex in full view of Britain’s war-time PM’s disapproving statue eyes.

Another part-Irish chief executive, Bill Clinton, is likely to have done even worse, maybe full sex, or anal, and Clinton’s now-infamous ‘cigar incident’ could well have been a direct mocking reference to Churchill’s fondness for smoking them in his tight-lipped yet moist, yielding mouth.

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics, Sex, War

Most powerful man on earth somehow managing to cope with insults from Ukip and Brexit Tory MPs

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“Nigel Farage? He was one of the hobbits, right?”

President Obama is believed to be having a nice time in England despite being thrown heaps of shade from a collection of blazers and swivel-eyes who want it to be 1952 again. Even though various Brexiters and kippers have tweeted mean things about him he’s found the strength to carry on with his visit. Continue reading

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George Osborne now using n-word in every speech

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“I’m going to pop a cap up your bottom.”

George Osborne has dropped the n-word in a string of speeches, after being impressed by Obama’s use of the forbidden term.

A group of school children from Dunstable were the first to hear the chancellor’s latest attempt to talk ‘street’, and roundly condemned him for doing so.

“It’s not a word most kids would dream of using”, said 14-year old Samantha Bacon. “It’s revolting really; a real symbol of past oppression.”

The queen seemed nonplussed when a state dinner was n-bombed by Osborne, but Prince Philip barely batted an eyelid.
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Obama shooting latest: Cop explains he saw a black guy stealing the presidential helicopter

ObamaThe police guard who shot President Obama last night as the head of state was striding across the White House lawns toward the presidential helicopter, has defended his actions saying that he “simply did his duty after seeing a suspicious black guy apparently stealing the President’s official helicopter.”

Wayne Derumbo, a white 29 year old US Park Officer,  who was on his first day of duty at the White House when he shot the President said, “I simply did what any officer would do and fired at the black guy as he arrogantly made his way towards Marine One. I didn’t like his attitude, you’d have thought he owned the chopper or something.” Continue reading

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Obama calls for ‘care in the community’ for Ebola patients

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“What? This old thing? It’s just something I happened to throw on.”

Barack Obama has rounded on ‘inhumane’ scientific quarantine procedures being used to tackle Ebola, and instead called for care in the community.

“Margaret Thatcher showed us that the people best qualified to tackle mental illness was the postman; the greengrocer; the less terrified of the neighbours”, said Obama. “And it’s just the same for people who might have Ebola.”

“Tents and respirators can be scary, whereas wondering around our cities and mass transport systems as if nothing is wrong can really calm a person down. There’s no need to be confined indoors, at least until you start bleeding from your anus.”

Obama called on Americans to be ‘neighbourly’ to those who might be feeling a little under the weather from the killer disease.
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UK-US tensions rise over kidnapping of ‘Waterstones one’

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A major international incident was narrowly averted this week following the hostile kidnapping of an American citizen, now known as the Waterstones one.

Barack Obama told a packed press conference that relations between the UK and the USA had become strained following the kidnapping and said that locking one of its citizens in a bookstore crossed “a red line”.
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War on terrorism on hold whilst US hunts down source of Jennifer Laurence nude photos

jenWhite House aides have confirmed that any further response to the Isis Crisis has been postponed until the FBI, CIA and other intelligence agencies have apprehended the person responsible for the publication of nude photographs of celebrities without their permission.

“We appreciate that celebrities flaunt their flesh at any opportunity for the delight of their adoring public, but it’s an entirely different thing when this is done without permission and the celebrity is unable to receive payment,” said an official, “this threatens the entire basis of Western Civilisation, far more than the Islamic State which is miles away anyway.”
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Revealed: How Obama solved the Iraq bombing dilemma

Obama 2It has emerged that President Obama follows a simple decision chart when tacking tough diplomatic issues in potential areas of conflict.

Unlike previous presidents like Ronald Regan, who asked his wife’s astrologist, or Bill Clinton, who consulted whoever he was sleeping with at the time, Obama has modelled his chart on the past thirty years of US foreign involvement. Continue reading

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Filed under International News, Politics, War

Obama says US ships in Persian Gulf ‘not war starting, dolphin watching’

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USS George H.W Bush. America has ten of these things. Bit greedy, no?

President Obama has denied ordering US Navy ships into the Persian Gulf for hostile reasons.

“Our ships, their thousands of armed personnel and countless drones and missiles, are not getting close to Iraq to start a conflict,” he told the American people in a televised address. “We are merely dolphin watching which is just lovely. Many other things are lovely including oil and massively lucrative reconstruction projects but they’re for another day. I pinky swear.” Continue reading

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North Korea elections ‘example of democracy for Ukraine’ claims Kim Jong-un

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Here is a picture of all of North Korea's eligable voters casting their vote

North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has waded into the Ukraine debate today, telling the country to look at his own country’s election that took place today as a beacon of democracy. “This is how governments should be decided,” Mr Kim said in a statement to the Ukrainian politicians.

“People voting not with guns and violence, but with their feet, or for those that haven’t had them chopped off, with their hands.” Continue reading

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Obama sign language interpreter was actually ‘just masturbating’

Barack Obama

Unknown interpreter enjoying post-ejaculatory cigarette

News outlets worldwide have been left red-faced today after it emerged that the man they assumed was the official sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service was, in fact, merely standing next to the stage masturbating.

Viewers were at first confused that during President Obama’s address the man did not seem to be using recognised sign language, and this confusion was redoubled when it became apparent that the interpreter had removed his trousers and, giving up all pretence of communication, was frantically beating his male organ.

The Deaf Federation of South Africa told the BBC the man’s signs were “arbitrary”, “did not make sense”, and “he was clearly tugging himself off during the key points of the speech.” Continue reading

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White House says Obama-Castro kiss with tongues was ‘not planned’

US President Obama greets Cuban President Castro at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg

“Here it comes, commie swine!” “Take me, capitalist pig!”

President Barack Obama and Cuban President Raul Castro’s unexpected snog at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service was a completely spur-of-the-moment thing, the White House has said.

There had been fevered anticipation over the last few days over whether the leaders would be able to overcome their differences at the service and share a handshake, but few commentators expected the sudden mouth-on-mouth lunge of the two leaders. As world figures watched stunned, Obama and Castro mashed faces desperately for several minutes in a frenzy of tonsil-licking release.

In a statement later, the Cuban government said the gesture may show the “beginning of the end of the US capitalist aggressions”, and concluded “He may be an imperialist running dog, but hubba hubba!” Continue reading

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Obama defends hiring Rupert Murdoch after Angela Merkel’s phone hacked

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President Obama defended hiring Rupert Murdoch as his communications officer after it emerged the US may have been hacking Angela Merkel’s phone.

President Obama had phoned the German Chancellor to discuss the issue and left a message, however she has denied receiving it. But Obama is adamant he left the message on her voicemail.

“I was shocked to hear the message I left her may not have recorded properly so I got Murdoch to check for me” Obama said.
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America still unsure about Syria as God is undecided

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With less than a week until a crucial debate and vote in the US congress over action in Syria, Senators and Congressmen are still awaiting for God to tell them his opinion.

Both sides of the argument have been praying hard to God, however He seem to be procrastinating over the monumental decision. If He has not spoken to them by Sunday, the vote may be put back.

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