Tag Archives: food bank

by | April 16, 2016 · 3:55 pm

We have enough jars of Dolmio now, thank you, say food banks

Before you dump, think it through.

Before you dump, think it through.

Food banks up and down the country now have enough jars of Dolmio pasta sauce to sink an Italian battleship, thanks to the caring generosity of well-meaning do-gooders.

“As soon as I found out just how much sugar and salt they add to the pink sludge, I emptied my cupboards and started pouring the stuff down the sink,” said housewife Daphne Newton.

“Then my teenage daughter pointed out that the amount of precious clean water and costly sink cleaner I was using far outweighed the benefits of recycling the empty jars and demanded I deliver the remaining two dozen jars to the food bank instead.”

“Well, I couldn’t believe my ears when the woman at the food bank said they already had enough of that particular item, thank you.”

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by | November 26, 2015 · 7:00 am

Food banks to open ‘mortgage banks’

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Man cannot live by rental income alone.

The charities behind food banks are planning to branch out, to help landlords targeted by the chancellor.

Some landlords are down to their last nine or ten houses, and the latest tax increase could hamper their Christmas cruises or trips into space.

“While we do hand out beans and things to people who, on the face of it, are quite poor”, explained Pippa Delaney, “it’s come to our attention that the people who own their homes are also struggling.”
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by | June 21, 2014 · 8:00 am

Tesco takes on Aldi by monetizing food banks

foodbank express

Very little help.

In an effort to win back market share from budget brand shops, Tesco are taking on Aldi by buying up a range of charity food banks.

With Sainsburys relaunching Netto, Tesco are keen to compete in the shame end of the market. “We’re talking abject humiliation here, not the mild embarrassment of our long-standing ‘Value’ range.”

“We thought of bringing back Happy Shopper, I certainly remember being bullied for having their crisps in my school lunch box”, said Tesco director Alan Soylent. “But our research shows that ‘food banks’ are currently dominating the downtrodden sector. Shame is very marketable at the moment.”

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by | May 15, 2014 · 7:17 am

Potato ‘proud to be for sale in Waitrose’

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Feeling chipper.

Jeremy, a white, middle-sized potato, has spoken of his pride after being selected by Waitrose.

Despite tough competition from migrant sweet potatoes, a Jerusalem artichoke and two swedes, Jeremy made it to the prime eye-level shelf opposite a kumquat and a pre-washed bistro salad.

“My teachers always said I’d amount to nothing more than the crust on an Aldi fish pie”, revealed Jeremy.
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by | April 20, 2014 · 12:31 pm

‘No ID, no checks’: how morally destitute man passed himself off as Daily Mail journalist

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Mr Murphy also restocked the paper’s stationary cupboard.

A man with virtually no morals to fall back on posed as a journalist for the Daily Mail.

That’s the claim of a food bank recently cleaned out by the scrounger, who is described as ‘starving of empathy and quite heavily stained with chocolate.’

Simon Murphy walked into the offices of the newspaper and started typing out hate, after discovering that charities were giving out food to families that need it. Not one member of staff spotted that something was wrong, despite the rowdy ‘nomnomnom’ coming from his desk, or his continual complaint that they didn’t have couscous.
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by | March 21, 2014 · 11:00 am

New rules ‘may mean old people will blow pensions on heating and food’

fuel

Orgy of light and warmth

Charities are reporting growing concern that new pension rules will lead to old people recklessly squandering their retirement income on luxuries such as heating and food.

After 2015, people reaching retirement age will be able to use pension pots however they want, rather than having to buy a guaranteed annual income, and the fear is that many will rush out to buy tinned food, which they will then cook using fuel in an adequately-heated apartment. Continue reading →

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by | August 21, 2013 · 7:00 am

Food bank for the super-rich opens so they can enjoy austerity ‘fun’

Three days worth of essentials from Food: The Bank

Three days worth of essentials from Food: The Bank

A Harold couple have caused controversy by opening a food bank for the super rich. Oofy and Lysander Eastoft reject accusations that their venture is in bad taste and say that it has been extremely popular amongst their social set which includes some of the wealthiest people in the country.

“It all started when we went to the food bank run by the church,” said Oofy, 32. “We going to get the three days emergency food that they give out and use it all for an ironic dinner party. But the vicar got majorly cross – seriously are vicars even allowed to know words like that? – and she said the food bank was only for people who were in desperate circumstances and had a voucher from their GP or social services.” Continue reading →

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by | May 31, 2013 · 11:30 am

New bail-out required after a run on the nation’s food banks

food bank QueueWith the financial crisis still rumbling along and belts being tightened enough to make Eric Pickles look like an hour-glass, a new crisis is emerging that is going to require another bail-out. Rumours of a lack of deposits has led to the country’s first run on a food bank.

With more and more people being forced to use the banks in order to feed their family, deposits in them are now running at an all time low. The charities are now looking for a bail-out to boost their stocks they hold from the government, or Asda.
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