Godzilla: not chuffed at the prospect of being close to Butlins
The future of the £18bn Hinkley Point C nuclear power station is uncertain following the revelation that Godzilla is “not really feeling it” about moving to the West Country.
The massive sea monster who was awakened from prehistoric slumber and given destructive power by nuclear radiation has a track record of being first on the scene whenever mankind’s love affair with the atom goes tits up. Continue reading
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Junkies lured in by innocuous photos of ‘works’ can be addicted in minutes
Inspired by East London’s Cereal Killer Café, Harold’s resident Hipster Simon Delaney has set up the worlds first Haribo Bar.
Sporting a top knot, twirly tache and dressed like a tramp, Simon’s pop up shop can be found in Harold’s ‘East End’ of the high street, between the Methodist Church and the Library.
Stocking all your favourite flavours, Simon’s also sourced some of the funny foreign ones from Poundland. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle
Faster, higher, stronger, meh
Despite it not starting until next Friday most villagers are already as indifferent to the Rio Olympics as they are to the existence of Dermot O’Leary and healthy eating advice.
“I’m like ‘not now’ with the Olympics,” local aspiring WAG Melanie Delaney told us. “The world’s got some serious problems, and Boris Johnson, so can we not get that all fixed instead of pretending it’s majorly important that a skinny Italian bloke can walk fifty kilometres all arse-wiggly really, really fast?” Continue reading
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“Fuck feathers and fuck you!” Jamie Oliver, 2016
We’re still not over it. Saddest. Thing. Ever
Furious Blairite Labour MPs have made their most damaging allegation yet against nice-cup-of-tea-and-a-sit-down in human form Jeremy Corbyn by accusing him of shooting Bambi’s mother.
“Of course he did!” thundered Owen Smith. “This heinous act is entirely in keeping with a man who is utterly lacking in morality. Equality, social mobility, peace, redistribution of wealth, making deers orphans: these are his core values and not one of them has a place in the modern Labour party.” Continue reading
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Ahh, hydration for elite level athletes
Following the appointment of Sam Allardyce as England manager both Pukka Pies and Bisto have swiftly agreed sponsorship deals with the FA.
Leicestershire based Pukka Pies will give free pies to the England squad as part of the deal, on the condition that Allardyce is regularly seen on the touchline with a pie in his hand. This is not expected to be a stumbling block, with chicken and mushroom scheduled for the first half of matches, followed by steak and kidney for the second. Continue reading
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“It feels just like the old days”
A giggly Tony Blair was seen yesterday, waving his credit card in the air and shouting “Let’s see you match that, Corbyn!” as security staff tried to ease him back into his home.
The former PM explained that he got the idea of multiple membership from Tories who signed up for £3 last year and voted for Jeremy Corbyn.
“Cherie and I hit the phones on Tuesday morning. We started at Adam Aardvark and reached Zebedee Zidane by Wednesday lunch. Continue reading
“How is anyone supposed to live in temperatures like these?”
A local man who thinks the winds, waves, and ultimately the varying temperature of the sun are personally out to spite him, has “had enough of it.”
Daytime temperatures in Harold have soared to 26℃ and Adam Cassidy believes it’s time to take a stand.
“I like it hot as much as anybody else, but this is too hot.” complained Cassidy, a part-time conspiracy theorist, who confirmed that a steady 22.4℃ with a light south westerly breeze would be perfect. “But not too much of a breeze, otherwise it makes the blinds rattle when I open the windows.”.
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Weather
It doesn’t look overly peaceful
Theresa May will tell the House of Commons later on today why it is essential for the UK to spend billions upon billions on a missile system that we’re not allowed to use without the US saying we can even though they’ve got lots of missiles of their own and in the event of nuclear war will hog all the blowy-uppy action for themselves in order to make America, F*** Yeah! action films about it later. Continue reading
Sturgeon checks if May is a Freemason
Theresa May says she is “willing to listen to options” on Scotland’s relationship with the EU as long as Nicola Sturgeon understands she won’t actually be doing anything about it or changing her mind.
Indeed, so as to avoid any misunderstanding, the PM insisted that Sturgeon tick a box agreeing to May’s terms and conditions, before she’d let discussions begin.
Maybe it’ll involve badgers. We hope so, they’re ace
As the world continues its headlong rush towards the pit labelled ‘unceasing bobbins’ people are consoling themselves with the fact that something nice is surely going to occur at some point. Maybe. P’raps. Yeah?
“I reckon it’s like roulette,” local councillor Nina O’Neill told us. “After lots of red, you’re due a black and up it always comes. That isn’t how numbers and physical objects work? Oh, we’re buggered then.” Continue reading
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Justine Greening. Or is it Liz Truss? Who wrote ‘Eats, Shoots and Leaves’?
School staff are overjoyed to have a new Education Secretary, after the old one hung around for almost two whole years.
“Don’t get me wrong” said Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery “Nicky Morgan was great at first. But she sort-of ran out of steam. We’d sometimes go weeks without a new plan to combat left-wing teacher-training of the 1970’s.”
Ms Jeffery hopes new Education Secretary, Justine Greening will have plenty of new ideas Continue reading
File claims he’s already caught Mew in the same place you filed his claim to have saved the economy
Ex-Chancellor and future warning from history George Osborne has spoken of his delight at being sacked by Theresa May and dumped on the backbenches like an unwanted puppy on a country road. Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
The Mall, two minutes ago
A deliriously joyful nation has taken to the streets this morning to praise its new Prime Minister. A packed program of events sees celebrations taking place all over the country as Brits chuckle themselves to the point of orgasm over the ascension of another unelected leader who has consistently voted in favour of military intervention abroad and increased powers for the security services to monitor people’s activities at home. Continue reading
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Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it
UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.
In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.
“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”
“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Brexit, News, referendum
He was the bass player in Gene, wasn’t he?
A shock poll has revealed that most people have forgotten who the windy sack of bobbins pictured on the left is. While his wide red face does ring a vague bell few are able to commit and state precisely why they know him.
“Something to do with livestock?” guessed local farmer, Phil Evans. “I remember having to put a no entry sign on the pigsties but I’m buggered if I know why.” Continue reading
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Sir John Chilcot: don’t argue with us, it bloody is.
Human embodiment of the abyss staring back at you, Tony Blair, has gone to Sir John Chilcot’s remote manor house along with Alastair Campbell, Clare Short, General Sir Michael Jackson, and other former senior politicians and military figures to find out which if them is guilty of mass-murder most foul.
After a long dinner expected to be interrupted only by the revelation that two of the guests are long-lost siblings and then a power cut during which gun fire will be heard everyone will gather in the billiard room to hear Sir John Chilcot’s verdict. Continue reading
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Filed under Chilcot Report, Politics
Happy happy joy joy
The Chilcot Report has been leaked ahead of its publication on Wednesday and contains devastating news for anyone incapable of thinking ‘Tony Blair’ without adding ‘should be in the dock at the Hague’.
The little friend of all the world especially dictators and Bono has been fully exonerated over the UK’s involvement in the Iraq War with Sir John Chilcot concluding that Blair has never even heard of the country or of weapons of mass destruction and that Alastair Campbell never existed in the first place. The report ends with a fulsome apology to the former PM and the recommendation that he be given a lovely pony and a hug. Continue reading
Filed under Chilcot Report, Politics
Look on the bright side maybe Ben Swain’ll go back on Newsnight
The Thick of It creator, Armando Iannucci, has apologised to the nation for his latest project going entirely batshit.
“Although the original cast has moved on me and the writers wanted to keep the Thick of It going and so thought a live version would be fun,” he said. “It was supposed to be pop-up theatre performed around Westminster for a small crowd. Unfortunately our new characters and their grotesque ambitions and incompetence took on a life of their own and went rogue. Oops.” Continue reading
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At last a leader with convictions, intelligence and razor-sharp cheekbones
The UK is under new leadership this morning following a coup by the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, Lord Havelock Vetinari.
“Coup is a needlessly dramatic word,” Lord Vetinari told reporters. “I can hardly be said to have violently thrown a government from power when you don’t have one, or an Opposition. Both sides seem entirely preoccupied with what one might call ‘internal matters’. Indeed barely anyone noticed as I walked into Number Ten and installed myself in the best office and Drumknott in an suitable alcove nearby. The only person to do more than raise an eyebrow was Theresa May who I must say kicks like a mule and has a command of the baser aspects of the English language that is entirely formidable.” Continue reading
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