Tag Archives: David Cameron

by | October 27, 2015 · 5:00 am

Cameron relieved cancer risk is only if pig enters your mouth

cameron pigDavid Cameron is very relieved that an increased risk of cancer is only if you put pig in your mouth, not the other way round.

“I checked with the World Health Organisation and they said you won’t get cancer if you put part of you in the pig’s mouth, you have to put pig in your own mouth” said Cameron.

“I was quite relieved, because many years ago I came across a pig that seemed to be choking to death on an apple. The apple was jammed in the poor pig’s mouth, I couldn’t get purchase with my hands, so I just … improvised” explained Cameron.
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by | October 20, 2015 · 11:00 am

“I’ll raise issues with Chinese President if he gives permission and tells me what to say” vows PM

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Five seconds later Dave lay down in a puddle and let Xi Jinping walk over him

David Cameron has promised that his talks with Xi Jinping will be hard-hitting and that “nothing is off the table” when it comes to raising issues apart, of course, from raising issues.

“I say nothing but one has to be polite,” David Cameron said. “President Xi Jinping may not want to talk about certain things like human rights, anti-competitive business practices and why it might not be the best plan ever for the UK if China buys most of it. He may not even like the table in which case I’ll simply get on all fours and he can use me as a table or any other piece of furniture for as long as he wishes.” Continue reading →

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by | September 21, 2015 · 6:55 am

“Sex with dead pig was a metaphor for my plan for UK society,” insists Cameron

Cameron in happier times, poised to spring

Cameron in happier times, poised to spring

After shocking revelations of bestiality again swept the government, David Cameron has insisted that the incident when he put his penis into the mouth of a dead pig was merely part of an explanation of his future plans for the UK.

The porcine molestation, which occurred at a dining club at Oxford University, has been seen by many as further proof that the Prime Minister is the sort of slimy lowlife who would literally fuck a pig, but a government spokesperson insisted the incident has been taken “out of context”.

“When the future PM inserted his ‘private organ’ into a dead pig’s mouth, he was only trying to demonstrate visually the beneficial effect of Conservative policies on the country,” the spokesperson explained. Continue reading →

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by | September 14, 2015 · 7:00 am

Bogus Labour voters decide f*ck it, we’re staying

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Tricky… Tricky choice…

After realising that Jeremy Corbyn is the first politician since the dawn of time to not be a corrupt lying bastard, the hundred thousand Conservative supporters who paid £3 to vote for him have all decided he’s actually the best of a bad lot, and the’re going to stick around.

“I paid my money to vote Corbyn, thinking I was consigning Labour to electoral oblivion,” admitted Brian Refrew of Harold. “It all seemed to go really well, but having heard him talk just after reading an Iain Duncan Smith quote, I thought ‘fuck it, I’m on the wrong side’.”

Somewhat surprisingly, the Daily Telegraph, who ran a campaign to get readers to vote for Corbyn, has also come out in favour of the left-winger.

In a editorial entitled “Bugger us, it’s obvious now we think about it”, the paper has urged its readers to pay the extra money to become full Labour members, and has demanded better treatment of refugees “just because it’s the right thing to do, which surprises us as much as you, if we’re honest”.

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by | August 7, 2015 · 3:07 pm

PM admits ‘I’ll give millions for any old toss if the person asking for it went to the right school’

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Camila Batmanghelidjh: Like Dave had an ethnic chum but without him experiencing any cognitive dissonance

David Cameron has today said that continuing to throw money at Kids Company was “the right thing to do” because its founder went to a decent public school.

“Camila Batmanghelidjh is beyond reproach,” said the mesmerised PM. “She’s from the right background and knows all the correct people. Of course I and fellow old Etonian Oliver Letwin overruled civil servants to ensure her small London-centric charity got tens of millions in cash no questions asked. There’s no need for audit this and accountability that when you can look into a chap, or chapess’, eye, give them the old firm handshake and know that you’re both on exactly the same page.” Continue reading →

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by | July 8, 2015 · 1:05 pm

Osborne says lazy poor should eat their own babies

junior lobsterUK Chancellor George Osborne says it is about time lazy poor people ate their own babies, rather than relying on Tories to do it for them.

“For far too long, hard-working Tories have had to shoulder the baby-eating responsibilities” said Osborne as he feasted on a Bolton toddler’s succulent thigh.
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by | July 4, 2015 · 5:29 pm

“We’re going to close our eyes and chant la la la”: Fears grow that government’s response to illegal immigrants in Calais is bobbins

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Is Dave staying like this sustainable in the long term?

After putting on his serious face and calling the situation in Calais ‘unacceptable’ David Cameron has now raised fears that the government’s response is bobbins by going to the beach and burying his head in the sand.

“It’s nice and warm in here,” the Prime Minister said in a somewhat muffled statement. “And there’s no need for me to come out. My government has everything under control and our long-term strategy of closing our eyes and chanting ‘la la la’ is far and away the best permanent solution.” Continue reading →

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by | June 7, 2015 · 8:00 am

How will PM point at a fish this year? Nation consumed by suspense

Camerons in Aljezur

2013: The classic point-with-the-left-wife-on-the-right combination

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2014: Mixing it up with a right-hand point and left-hand wife

As the temperature rises and thoughts turn to holidays there is just one question on everyone’s lips: while posing for a chillaxed photo in Cornwall or Ibiza this year, will Dave point at a fish with his left hand or with his right?

“I can’t sleep, I’m so excited,” said Harold Mayor, Rufus D Jackson. “Left or right? Samantha looking bored as hell or Samantha looking disconcertingly submissive? I have to know.” Continue reading →

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by | May 18, 2015 · 2:52 am

PM vows to end NHS in seven days

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“Why won’t they work longer hours for less money?” wonders the chillaxing multi-millionaire.

David Cameron will today pledge to destroy the world’s first universal health service and guarantee his City chums “armfuls of dosh from privatisation wherever they are and whenever they need it.”

In his first speech since beating Ed Miliband like a red-headed mule in the general election, the Prime Minister will promise that billions of pounds of tax-payers money will be thrust into fat cats hands now and “for every generation of one percenters to come.” Continue reading →

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by | April 26, 2015 · 6:15 am

Cameron promises wife ‘smaller dishes pile and less net dust’

"Coming soon - these birds won't antagonise themselves""

“Coming soon – these birds won’t antagonise themselves””

In a bid to get wife Sam to stick with him for another term, David Cameron promised he will attack the dishes pile and really get on top of the dust despite not making much progress on either of these chores over the last 5 years.

“Gordon left a huge mountain of dishes when he left number 10 and I’ve done really well to stop the pile getting too much bigger” explained the PM.

“And the percentage of dirty to clean dishes has actually decreased over my watch, due to a clever quantitative easing approach I call ‘buying new dishes’.”
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by | April 25, 2015 · 5:40 pm

CORRECTIONS: Cameron clarifies soccerball allegiance

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“And a Steak Pie & chips my good man and make it snappy; the fourth quarter is about to start”

Well know sports enthusiast and part-time Prime Minister, David Cameron, has been discussing his ability to support multiple teams such as England, UK and GB “For instance, I’m a true-blue West Ham fan but that doesn’t stop me supporting Liverpool Rangers when they’re competing in the Eurasian Cup.”

The Prime Minister’s spokeman  later clarified that in fact Mr Cameron is a Villa fan and must have suffered from Brain Fade when referring to his support for ‘The West Hamsters.

“I’ve supported Villa Rovers since I was a lad” said the old Etonian; “nothing like standing at The Shed end singing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ to the world-famous recording by Freddie and the Dreamers.”

“Happy Days eh? Oh look, another spontaneous low-brow cultural reference! The Fonce was my absolute favourite, with his shaven head and lollipop sucking. ‘Who loves ya baby’ – I just loved that catchphrase.”

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by | April 24, 2015 · 2:00 pm

David Cameron growing beard to chase youth vote

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Cutting edge

Prime Minister David Cameron has spent the last few weeks secretly growing a beard in a desperate attempt to capture the ‘hipster’ trend sweeping the nation, it emerged today.

The real reason for Cameron avoiding the recent TV dates has been revealed to be nothing to do with being a great big coward with indefensible policies – instead it is simply that the Prime Minister has not wanted to risk unveiling his fledgling growth until its development is beyond ridicule.

“Our researchers tell us that this new ‘hipster’ movement is the key to really getting down with the young generation,” a Downing Street spokesman explained. “These young ‘hepcats’ are going to look at David’s facial hair and see something of themselves in it.”

The suggestion that Cameron might actually be a little bit late in jumping on the hipster bandwagon was rejected by the Prime Minister: “I’m hip and I’m hop, and if the beard doesn’t convince you, wait until you see my amazing new pair of red trousers!” he insisted.

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by | April 14, 2015 · 4:48 am

Tories deny new ghetto creation policy will create ghettos

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David Cameron’s kids are growing up here…

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…yours can grow up here.

David Cameron will today announce that the millions of people renting privately who have no chance of buying their own home can go **** themselves as the Tories plan on extending the right to buy and selling off 1.3 million housing association properties at a huge discount. Continue reading →

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by | April 7, 2015 · 7:03 am

Huge boost for Tories as Blair backs Miliband

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Oh bugger.

The Conservative party received a massive boost to its election chances today as Tony Blair came out in support of Labour’s Ed Miliband.

The two parties had been running neck and neck in the polls, but following the former Prime Minster’s announcement, the Conservatives’ “Blair bump” saw them race to an impressive 99% lead over Labour.

“Sometimes you just get lucky,” admitted a grinning David Cameron, speaking to journalists while taking a break from painting victory banners and measuring bunting. “Miliband must be gutted, the poor sod. ‘Tony’s unqualified admiration and support’ – what an absolute disaster for anyone.” Continue reading →

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by | April 3, 2015 · 11:21 am

Leaders’ debate: who won on socks?

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Mmmmmm. Socks

While many discuss who best represented their party position on the economy, or on immigration, a definitive view on who had the best socks has been hard to come by. Until now.

Miliband – two odd socks, one that said “Tuesday” and one that said “Sunday”, despite it being Thursday. Both socks said “right” and he needed help from his wife to put them on.

Clegg – promised in the run up to the debate that he would wear socks, even went into great detail about exactly what type of socks they would be. Then turned up without any.

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by | March 24, 2015 · 7:00 am

Miliband rules out serving first term

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I’ll be off then…

Following David Cameron’s somewhat premature announcement that he would not serve a third term as Prime Minister, Labour Party leader Ed Miliband has controversially ruled out serving a first term. He reportedly came to this decision  after studying opinion polls and talking to people.

Miliband tipped David Cameron, Home Secretary Theresa May, Chancellor George Osborne and London Mayor Boris Johnson as potential Prime Ministers, but admitted sadly that he personally was unlikely to be taking advantage of Downing Street’s lavish pair of kitchens any time soon.

“Terms are like Shredded Wheat,” explained Miliband to journalists. “I can’t even manage one. It’s just not going to happen, is it? Well, maybe if you poured milk all over it, but Prime Minister? Not bloody likely.” Continue reading →

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by | March 11, 2015 · 3:07 am

‘Cheers, mate’: Cameron thanks old pal Clarkson for distracting press

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Caption competition: what’s Alex James thinking? Tell us on our Facebook page

David Cameron is today full of praise for his close friend, Jeremy Clarkson, for distracting the media in the run up to the election.

“I’m indebted to the man we’ll all soon be calling Baron Clarkson of Chipping Norton for proving yet again that people don’t really give a toss about politics but if you criticise any element of their favourite distraction then the internet’s flooded with comments and petitions before you can say change.org.” Continue reading →

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by | March 5, 2015 · 6:26 am

‘Will dissemble for cash’: Party leaders seek debate sponsorship

cameronWith the negotiations about a TV debate now more complex than the F1 rule book, politicians have been forced to seek sponsorship.

A particularly shiny PM was wheeled out to waiting fans, who couldn’t wait to tweet his new livery and nose around his rear. A precocious splitter was spotted, later identified as rival Nigel Farage, resplendent in traditional British Racist Green. Farage then held proceedings up braying about how nothing on earth would make him take ‘a Pole position’.
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by | February 22, 2015 · 9:00 am

UK lends Greece Nick Clegg, to help sell their sell-out

cleggy

Nick hears the call

Greece’s Prime Minister has asked David Cameron for Nick Clegg on loan, as he prepares for a massive climb down on pledges which brought him election success.

The untried Greek government has no experience of being in power and wants a seasoned u-turner behind the scenes to help with excuses.

“Nick is going to be out of contract in May anyway” said Cameron “so we’re lending him out a couple of months early, for 30 hours a week, as a condition of his JSA payment.”

Meanwhile Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis said he would ‘work night and day until Monday’ to devise the list of reforms. “Except for the weekend, obviously. No-one works weekends in Greece.”

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by | February 14, 2015 · 7:45 am

No more benefits for fatties, says Cameron, while fat cats remain his bestest chums

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People in fat houses shouldn’t throw lard, Dave.

David Cameron has announced the next step in his war against people who aren’t him by saying that the obese, alcoholics and drug addicts will face benefit sanctions if they don’t get better and get working.

“It is not fair to ask hardworking taxpayers to fund the benefits of people who refuse to accept the support and treatment that could help them get back to a life of work,” the Prime Minister said. “While it’s perfectly fair to force hardworking taxpayers to bail out banks and my friends in the City because massively high-stakes gambling with money that isn’t yours is an addiction that we Tories cherish and support one hundred per cent.” Continue reading →

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