“Wake me up when Newsnight’s over”
‘The Great British Sleep Off’ adds napping to the list of things we used to find therapeutic, such as cooking tea, doing a bit in the garden, or knitting a scarf.
“This is brilliant news”, said Harold’s Pippa Delaney. “I used to worry that my night-times were completely wasted. But now I can use that 7 or 8 hours to show off to my neighbours. Or make them cry, which is even better.”
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The new team decide who to pick on first.
The BBC has announced exciting plans to gently manoeuvre the hit show ‘Top Gear’ away from the race track, and into the kitchen.
“Some fans have said that the show was never really about cars, it was in fact about the chemistry between three oafs”, revealed BBC Imagineer Ross Kelp.
“So why not get in some new presenters, teach them to be shits, and get them cooking at each other in Peru?”
With 73% of the BBC’s current output focussing on food, Kelp sees this as proof that now is the time to ‘apron up’.
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Sandwich? Knuckle.
In his first comment since being dropped from the TV show Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson has said he will miss punching people in the face.
The presenter was writing in his first column for the Sun since he was released from the show on 25 March after an “unprovoked physical attack” on a producer.
“Heartfelt thanks to all those who have written to say how much they will miss me on Top Gear,” he wrote. “It’s not as much, however, as I’ll miss being there.”
“Mainly,” he continued, “the sensation of smashing my knuckles into the face of someone who fears for their job and has done nothing wrong except working on the same show as a bullying overweight twat. You know, those sorts of things. Specifically, the punching.” Continue reading
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London: tomorrow. Thanks liberal, SJW Guardianistas, thanks a lot.
A surprising source for the fire currently raging under central London has been revealed – God.
“In the BBC I am not well pleased,” the Supreme Being told us. “For, lo, I did most heartily love chilling out on Sunday nights and watching Jezza, Hamster and Captain Slow. Not a Holy Trinity but a wholly amusing one.” Continue reading
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A carrot
A greengrocer in Harold has angrily denied that he’s quitting, and instead vowed to continue in his role.
Defiantly operating his till and a sort of weighing contraption to the left of it, Dominic Evans of ‘Evans Vegetables and Sons’ faced up to a string of customers, one at a time.
The move to stay put comes quickly after the departure of Cllr Ron Ronsson: he brushed past our reporter carrying a melon and some carrots.
Despite the ‘cash for fruit’ controversy, no-one has actually called for Evans to leave. But they will do, once a journalist gets to the front of the queue. “What on earth are talking about?” demanded Evans. “Where the f*** would I go?”, before adding “do you want those potatoes or not?”
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The Internet has been reacting angrily following the BBC’s “ridiculous decision” not to renew Jeremy Clarkson’s contract after he beat up a producer.
The BBC made the decision that verbally abusing someone followed by a physical assault that sent them to A&E crossed the line, a decision that was “PC gone mad” according to the Internet.
“If you can’t punch a colleague when you are hungry, then what can you do?” one Daily Mail commenter said but with many more spelling mistakes.
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An ITV weather forecaster on ITV
BBC news update latest:
Fred Talbot, the former ITV weatherman, has been convicted of historic sex offences, committed when he was a teacher, some time before he worked for ITV as an ITV weatherman. For ITV. Not the BBC.
ITV has yet to comment on the conviction of predatory sex offender Fred something-or-other, who worked for ITV on the popular ITV morning show ‘This Morning’ aired daily on ITV at a time when young children might have been watching ITV unsupervised.
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Production line staff hard at work, cleaning up for Apple
“We at Apple are shocked to the core” said Graham Cross, after secret filming at Apple’s suppliers revealed repeated staff abuse. “But rest assured. Lawyers will be all over the BBC’s arse by Monday.”
BBC’s Panorama film showed workers so fatigued that they fell asleep during rest periods and even whilst operating machines.
Cross says although it’s common practice for workers to nap during breaks, he’ll investigate any evidence of sleeping at the workbench. “If it’s proved, then firm action will definitely follow. Wages will be docked. Guilty parties will first be named and shamed and then get a verbal warning: ‘Oy, Sleepy! Don’t doze off again!’ Only in Mandarin. Probably”.
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The latest craze of bumping old stories to prominence on media websites has reached new heights with every item this morning of the Most Popular section on the BBC News website being an archived piece, including a rare report on the revulsion of the Islam world following the beheading of Anne Boleyn in 1536.
Fans of the craze, known as News-Umping, use social media to boost old stories which are often more interesting than the current headline news. Exponents are proudly geeky since considerable research is required to locate old articles.
“It needs a good deal of work as google only goes back about 15 years,” said one young newsumper from behind a bushy beard and thick horn rimmed spectacles Continue reading
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Brian Sewell has had the Tardis fitted with a library.
Brian Sewell has revealed that he’s been secretly reshooting the current series of Doctor Who, so Peter Capaldi can be dropped if Scotland votes to leave the UK.
For constitutional reasons, Scottish people will not be allowed on the BBC if Scotland becomes independent. They will join the French and the Germans on an internal list of ‘undesirables’.
But the scheduling of the eighth series of Doctor Who couldn’t have been worse for the corporation – if Scotland votes yes, Capaldi will be out before episode 6 has been aired.
“Obviously we won’t have time to film a ‘regeneration’ so we wanted to find someone else who was rude, elderly and pompous”, said the BBC’s Steven Moffat. “Brian Sewell immediately came to mind, so we drugged him and dragged him to the studio.”
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Do we want more of this or less? Less of it or more?
With less than a month to go until the independence referendum both sides are causing confusion by deploying BBC Scotland’s Mrs Brown’s Boys as their latest campaign weapon.
While the No side say that an independent Scotland would result in BBC Scotland being much smaller and having no money to produce shows such as Mrs Brown’s Boys and Waterloo Road the Yes side are saying exactly the same thing. Continue reading
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Omnipresent
Fans who missed Clare Balding from their television screens in the brief two day interlude between the end of the Commonwealth Games and the start of her new series ‘Big Beasts’, were celebrating last night at the news that the BBC is to launch a channel featuring the tomboy next door talents of the ubiquitous TV presenter.
Announcing the launch of the channel to be known as BBC Balding, replacing BBC Three, Director General Tony Hall said, “The new channel’s output will give the licence paying public what they deserve.” Continue reading
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Look what door he’s stood in front of. Is this what’s coming next?
Danny Cohen, the BBC’s Director of Television, has said that the corporation doesn’t think Jeremy Clarkson is racist but confirms that he is awful.
“I am convinced that Jeremy Clarkson is not racist,” Cohen wrote in a letter to the Guardian, “but merely a bully who mocks anyone who isn’t experiencing the world from his bubble of privilege.” Continue reading
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The mark of the devil
There are increasing calls for Gardeners’ Question Time to be taken off air following revelations of its unhinged behaviour. The latest one comes a day after Dr Ben Pitcher of the University of Westminster accused the show of being racist for using terms like ‘native’ and ‘non-native’ when discussing plant species and using the word ‘soil’ as a coded reference to racial purity. Continue reading
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Gary Lineker still presenting age 104
The BBC has announced it has come to an agreement with Glasgow 2014 organisers to extend the Commonwealth Games until all the bad stuff around the world has ended.
With planes being shot down in Ukraine and no end in sight for the Middle East conflict, The Beeb has decided it much easier to deal with wall-to-wall coverage of lawn bowls, squash and cycling than any in depth look at the many issues that look set to start WWIII. Continue reading
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Free anarchy T-shirt with every edamame bean salad.
Thousands of citizens have enjoyed a weekend of government-approved anarchy, claimed Britain’s propaganda machine, the BBC.
Rebellious festival-goers paid £215 each to make a stand against the Status Quo, one of the few geriatric groups not performing this year.
“I love the chance to express my individualism by phoning up and buying a ticket when the media tells me to”, said a defiant-looking Nigel Farquar-Smitherington.
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After finally admitting he is a ‘one nation Tory’ and that he disagrees with the political leanings of his former bosses, the BBC have announced they are lining Jeremy Paxman up to present Top Gear.
“He is pretty much ready to go,” a spokesperson for the show said. “He’s right-wing, called Jeremy, and already has a sizeable amount of people that dislike him.
SHOCKING: Society no longer considers some words acceptable.
Scheduler Tony Jacobs, responsible for the BBC’s light entertainment output, has been sacked for accidentally mentioning the ‘n-word’, N*** Edmonds.
The n-word is considered the most offensive phrase to TV audiences, particularly those old enough to remember Mr Blobby.
“Our Saturday night schedule might be rather second rate at the moment, but that’s no excuse to start bandying about the n-word”, said acting chairman Diane Coyle.
“It’s degrading to our culture, it’s degrading to anyone who still buys a television licence. But most of all, it’s degrading to those who had to work with the c***.”
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“Try sacking me now, ****ers!”
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Cornish pirates are renowned for their correct pronunciation.
Viewers are furious that a show about the Jamaica Inn contained incoherent mumbling, gurgling sounds and other fairly common pub noises.
In one scene, the barman Joss Merlyn explained something really earnestly and slowly just using vowels, as he attempted to sit carefully on the fire.
‘Erm a pira’, said Joss. ‘AAAAARRR! y’now. A pir. afur afurki pir. A PIRA! AAAAAARRR JIM LAD.’
At this point, his brother Jem aggressively disagreed with him, stating ‘ba..b…bullo’s. yerr a f…f…a big f**kern PIRATE.’
Others attempted to balance things on their face, and a young extra soiled themselves and then found it funny.
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