“What’s all that noise over there about?”
Comforting mole-person in khaki slacks, Jeremy Corbyn, has spoken of his utter shock on learning that the UK is in the grip of a referendum debate.
“I was aware that people are talking about something a lot,” he said. “I thought that maybe Bake Off was back on or something.” Continue reading
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A seagull who fell into a vat of curry launched a bid to be President of all the Seagulls by saying he will ban all migratory birds from the UK.
The newly bright orange gull nicknamed ‘Donald’ immediately blamed his plight on foreign birds who come to the UK stealing prime seaside food scraps from under the noses of local birds, forcing them to scavenge in less desirable locations such as curry houses.
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Former Smiths front-man Steven “Morrissey” Morrissey spends his days quietly scanning the Times obituary columns for news of Queen Elizabeth II, knowing that when she finally does pass away, his 1986 Album ‘The Queen is Dead’ will most likely be swept to number 1 by a sombre, patriotic nation.
Morrissey practising his mournful look
“We [The Smiths] toyed with the idea of a perennial Christmas song, like Mariah Carey and Wham did, but the market was a bit crowded, so ‘How Soon is Christmas?’ eventually became the track we all know as ‘How Soon is Now?’, and ‘Santa in a Coma’ just got binned,” chirped the happy-go-lucky crooner.
“Then Johnny [Marr] said we should put down a track that played the long game – a little retirement bonus for us if you will – and we bounced around some ideas for blue ocean strategies, where we would be guaranteed to be the go-to track when some inevitable future event happened.”
That track was ‘The Queen is Dead’, and the album of the same name became one of the defining albums of the eighties, but Morrissey expects a revival of its success when the Queen finally does die.
Morrissey points to the boost Prince got when 1999 eventually happened, and the windfall enjoyed by The Primitives following the death of Princess Diana, and chuckles, “This is one set of royalties I’m really looking forward to.”
Maria Sharapova let out an orgasmic scream of delight on learning her 2 year ban only applied to tennis, and not grunting or screaming.
“EeeeeewwWWWWWHHHHHH” said Sharapova on hearing the news. “WeeeeehaaaaaaawwWWWWWW, uummmppfff.”
One of the top screamers in the world for a number of years, Sharapova expected to be silenced for taking volume enhancing drugs, but incomprehensibly authorities only banned her from hitting furry green balls.
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I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths, such as David Cameron and George Osborne
Dr Wollaston, Tory chairman of the Health Select Committee, has clambered aboard the other EU referendum horse and galloped off in the opposite direction.
“It was a shock to find that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove were psychopaths, lying about spending £350 million a week more on the NHS. Who knew?” said Dr Wollaston yesterday. “So I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths such as David Cameron and George Osborne.”
Wollaston was pleased that she could both remain a Tory MP and retain her professional integrity.
“And luckily. my position on the Hippocratic Oath is unaffected. There’s nothing in there about selling off the NHS.”
Spolier alert: Hagrid is Keyser Söze and Ron can see dead people
Tremendous arsehole, Tim Trotman, has said that he is delighted to have been among the first people to see the new Harry Potter play and then to post the whole plot and mobile phone footage of it all over social media.
“Harry Potter’s magic,” he said. “The rush of knowing you’re seeing something new that would delight any child and then ruining it for as many as possible is indescribable. This is how sociopathic Dickens fans who could read fast must’ve felt as they ran through the streets yelling ‘Little Nell’s dead!'”
“They say that Harry Potter’s really for kids and that J.K Rowling’s just in it for the money however I’m forty-five and won’t make a penny off this and I’m having the time of my life.”
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Bloody foreigners, coming over here taking our litter and tidying our commons….
Nigel Farage is insisting that under Brexit the UK’s favourite mostly immigrant litter-picking team will lose access to their Wimbledon Common home.
“This is a furry swarm of unskilled economic migrants who’ve arrived uninvited in this country and have made no effort to integrate with British society,” Farage said. “They’ve come from as far away as China and the Amazon basin to take advantage of our benefits system and our way of life. Especially the part where decent Brits enjoy covering their country in rubbish which is our right and one we fought WWII to uphold.” Continue reading
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“I’ll have what she’s having.” May watches a deportation
“I’ve been going to church for years” explained Mrs May “so I’ve no need to prove I’m a christian.
An Iranian though might be tempted to pretend to be so by our subsistence benefits, risking nothing more than public execution of his or her whole family if the Iranian religious police learn about it.” Continue reading
Stylish: all Asian black bears have the Batman logo on their chests. They’re massive fans.
David Cameron has spoke of his disappointment now that the news that seven year old Yamato Tanooka has been found after spending six days alone in a bear-filled forest makes him look rubbish.
“When I’d had it up to here with one of my kids I simply left her behind in rather a nice pub,” he said. “Yamato’s parents took it to another level. That really was one hell of a naughty step the little chap was put on.” Continue reading
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Trust me, I was a commodities trader
UKIP’s leader has clarified that, after a Leave vote, all the good things about the EU will carry on because it’s only the bad things that will disappear.
“May I give you an analogy?” roared Farage, adding, without a pause “It’s like a divorce. The jilted one won’t shred the contents of their partner’s wardrobe and scatter the smoking remnants in the front garden. Or leave his classic vinyl collection in the microwave.” Continue reading
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In the wake of the tragic death of a 17 year old gorilla, Cincinnati Zoo plan to introduce portable cages to house children and their bored parents as they wander aimlessly round the zoo.
Zoo director Thayne Maynard said it appeared to be unrealistic to expect parents to look after their own children, so mobile cages were the obvious answer.
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Hodgson has been practicing this expression for after every match
Roy Hodgson has confirmed the squad of players with whom he will share the blame for another crushing defeat at the national game.
As expected, Wayne Rooney remains as Captain and role model for the younger players “I was an exciting prospect myself ten years ago” said Mr Potato Head “but I learned to cut out the clever stuff and play the traditional England way.” He says the squad have watched Rugby Union videos to help embed the principles of passing backwards. Continue reading
“Nah, he’ll be fine. David Attenborough didn’t have any problems.”
After a gorilla was shot dead at a zoo in Cincinnati, it has emerged that everybody on facebook is massively knowledgeable about the behaviour and body language of adult gorillas.
Zoo officials shot the gorilla to protect a four-year-old boy who had fallen into the enclosure, but social media’s ever ready population of under-informed, over-opinionated users reckon the child was in no danger, and could maybe even have been left there for the gorillas to raise as one of their own. Continue reading
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At every visit, something inside you dies
A man from the quiet English village of Harold has stumped ‘Quest TV’ viewers and lifestyle experts alike by not buying plants or pozidriv screws this weekend.
Family man Gary Thorne, 43, a driver with Harold Bus Company, lives an otherwise unremarkable life as a devoted husband and a keen voyeur, swinger, and dogger. Continue reading
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The chill out zone in the athletes village
The IOC has bowed to pressure from the World Health Authority and agreed to move the Summer Olympics from Rio to a small pub in rural England.
“The Squirrel Lickers Arms is the best location we could find at such short notice,” said Thomas Bach, head of the International Olympic Committee. “Eddie the landlord has assured us that the garden is big enough for all the races as long as the athletes are good at doing a one-eighty every thirty paces and the ‘Kidz Indoor Funland’ has all the soft surfaces needed for gymnastics.” Continue reading
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Sophistication on toast: the real Donald Trump relaxing at home
Thoughtful scholar and gentle soul, Donald Trump, has admitted that he’s running out of abominable shite to spout.
“It’s getting harder and harder to come up with the goods,” he confessed. “I go home at night, take off the vivid orange make-up, remove the…let’s just call it a wig, shall we? We’re all better off not knowing the fine details…and try to relax with a slim volume of metaphysical poetry and a nice dry Grüner Veltliners but it’s impossible as I find myself worrying about where tomorrow’s crazy will come from.” Continue reading
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“The Great Barrier Reef was bleached and lifeless when we found it, mate. Honest.”
Sunny but evil Australia has had itself purged from a UN global climate change report believing that any drop in tourism will damage the country immeasurably while climate change itself won’t because they’re immune due to being quite good at cricket and having lots of barbecues.
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Filed under environment, International News
“That is an unfortunate political decision.”
Any drug that has a psychoactive effect and dangerously low tax levels will be illegal to make or sell in the UK as of today.
The move comes soon after a shop selling so-called ‘legal highs’ in Rotherham was closed down by police investigating accusations that the only tax revenue being raised was from VAT. Continue reading
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We tried to think of a witty caption but to be honest she just makes us feel terribly sad
Yawning void in shoes a drag queen wouldn’t touch, Theresa May, has criticised the Fire Service for appearing to have exactly the same working culture as her own organisation. In a baffling speech she lambasted the Fire Service for being toxic and corrosive and coupling it with a lack of transparency and independent scrutiny. She then returned to Number 10 and her Bullingdon Club, Panama tax haven using, “Calm down, dear” boss and his secretive, white, privately educated, millionaire, manly chums. Continue reading
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G4S Managers meeting
Another steaming tidal-wave of shit seems to have emerged from the Goverment’s favourite contractors, the hapless G4S.
With child victims of their custody staff assaults still sporting bruises, fresh allegations are that G4S police control room staff made loads of 999 calls at quiet times, to boost their performance figures.
Jon Pastry, managing director for G4S public services outlined the background to this latest calamity “We became aware that a shady firm of repeat offenders had made a 999 call to boost their performance figures.” Continue reading
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