Owen Smith lagging badly in the key ‘Owen Smith’ demographic
The Dunstable University poll showed Corbyn with a 20 point lead over Smith among Labour Party members generally, and a similar lead among Labour members whose last name is ‘Smith’. But it was a surprise to find out even the ‘Owen Smith’ demographic overwhelmingly supports Corbyn, according to Professor Brian Rodgers.
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Bill Clinton has angrily denied phoning Melania Trump, instantly causing people to speculate he must have Skyped or Snapchatted her.
“I did not have phone relations with that woman” said Clinton. “I’ve never heard of ‘speed dial’, I don’t even know what a phone is, much less how she appeared on my ‘frequent contacts’ list.”
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Godzilla: not chuffed at the prospect of being close to Butlins
The future of the £18bn Hinkley Point C nuclear power station is uncertain following the revelation that Godzilla is “not really feeling it” about moving to the West Country.
The massive sea monster who was awakened from prehistoric slumber and given destructive power by nuclear radiation has a track record of being first on the scene whenever mankind’s love affair with the atom goes tits up. Continue reading
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Junkies lured in by innocuous photos of ‘works’ can be addicted in minutes
Inspired by East London’s Cereal Killer Café, Harold’s resident Hipster Simon Delaney has set up the worlds first Haribo Bar.
Sporting a top knot, twirly tache and dressed like a tramp, Simon’s pop up shop can be found in Harold’s ‘East End’ of the high street, between the Methodist Church and the Library.
Stocking all your favourite flavours, Simon’s also sourced some of the funny foreign ones from Poundland. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle
Faster, higher, stronger, meh
Despite it not starting until next Friday most villagers are already as indifferent to the Rio Olympics as they are to the existence of Dermot O’Leary and healthy eating advice.
“I’m like ‘not now’ with the Olympics,” local aspiring WAG Melanie Delaney told us. “The world’s got some serious problems, and Boris Johnson, so can we not get that all fixed instead of pretending it’s majorly important that a skinny Italian bloke can walk fifty kilometres all arse-wiggly really, really fast?” Continue reading
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“Fuck feathers and fuck you!” Jamie Oliver, 2016
We’re still not over it. Saddest. Thing. Ever
Furious Blairite Labour MPs have made their most damaging allegation yet against nice-cup-of-tea-and-a-sit-down in human form Jeremy Corbyn by accusing him of shooting Bambi’s mother.
“Of course he did!” thundered Owen Smith. “This heinous act is entirely in keeping with a man who is utterly lacking in morality. Equality, social mobility, peace, redistribution of wealth, making deers orphans: these are his core values and not one of them has a place in the modern Labour party.” Continue reading
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Taking one for the team.
Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Corby's Corner, Labour, News, Politics, Sex, Tony Blair
Ahh, hydration for elite level athletes
Following the appointment of Sam Allardyce as England manager both Pukka Pies and Bisto have swiftly agreed sponsorship deals with the FA.
Leicestershire based Pukka Pies will give free pies to the England squad as part of the deal, on the condition that Allardyce is regularly seen on the touchline with a pie in his hand. This is not expected to be a stumbling block, with chicken and mushroom scheduled for the first half of matches, followed by steak and kidney for the second. Continue reading
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“It feels just like the old days”
A giggly Tony Blair was seen yesterday, waving his credit card in the air and shouting “Let’s see you match that, Corbyn!” as security staff tried to ease him back into his home.
The former PM explained that he got the idea of multiple membership from Tories who signed up for £3 last year and voted for Jeremy Corbyn.
“Cherie and I hit the phones on Tuesday morning. We started at Adam Aardvark and reached Zebedee Zidane by Wednesday lunch. Continue reading
“How is anyone supposed to live in temperatures like these?”
A local man who thinks the winds, waves, and ultimately the varying temperature of the sun are personally out to spite him, has “had enough of it.”
Daytime temperatures in Harold have soared to 26℃ and Adam Cassidy believes it’s time to take a stand.
“I like it hot as much as anybody else, but this is too hot.” complained Cassidy, a part-time conspiracy theorist, who confirmed that a steady 22.4℃ with a light south westerly breeze would be perfect. “But not too much of a breeze, otherwise it makes the blinds rattle when I open the windows.”.
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Weather
It doesn’t look overly peaceful
Theresa May will tell the House of Commons later on today why it is essential for the UK to spend billions upon billions on a missile system that we’re not allowed to use without the US saying we can even though they’ve got lots of missiles of their own and in the event of nuclear war will hog all the blowy-uppy action for themselves in order to make America, F*** Yeah! action films about it later. Continue reading
A few days after their ‘funneling money to their mates’ careers ended, David Cameron and George Osborne have resumed their ‘inheritor of money’ careers.
The pair were said to be exhausted after 6 years of coming up with ever more outlandish reasons why the poor had to bear the brunt of austerity, and pleased to now have the more relaxing job of rolling around in a pile of daddy’s money.
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Sturgeon checks if May is a Freemason
Theresa May says she is “willing to listen to options” on Scotland’s relationship with the EU as long as Nicola Sturgeon understands she won’t actually be doing anything about it or changing her mind.
Indeed, so as to avoid any misunderstanding, the PM insisted that Sturgeon tick a box agreeing to May’s terms and conditions, before she’d let discussions begin.
Maybe it’ll involve badgers. We hope so, they’re ace
As the world continues its headlong rush towards the pit labelled ‘unceasing bobbins’ people are consoling themselves with the fact that something nice is surely going to occur at some point. Maybe. P’raps. Yeah?
“I reckon it’s like roulette,” local councillor Nina O’Neill told us. “After lots of red, you’re due a black and up it always comes. That isn’t how numbers and physical objects work? Oh, we’re buggered then.” Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, International News
Justine Greening. Or is it Liz Truss? Who wrote ‘Eats, Shoots and Leaves’?
School staff are overjoyed to have a new Education Secretary, after the old one hung around for almost two whole years.
“Don’t get me wrong” said Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery “Nicky Morgan was great at first. But she sort-of ran out of steam. We’d sometimes go weeks without a new plan to combat left-wing teacher-training of the 1970’s.”
Ms Jeffery hopes new Education Secretary, Justine Greening will have plenty of new ideas Continue reading
File claims he’s already caught Mew in the same place you filed his claim to have saved the economy
Ex-Chancellor and future warning from history George Osborne has spoken of his delight at being sacked by Theresa May and dumped on the backbenches like an unwanted puppy on a country road. Continue reading
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Is the real reason Labour rebels are trying to get rid of Jeremy Corbyn because they are really really really scared he will win the general election?
Are Blairites (or is that Blairongs?) worried that a Corbyn victory could lead to the end of banker and defence contractor junkets, and consign them to years in the wilderness where a Murdoch party invitation and an oil war are both pipe dreams?
A future SO terrible they’d have to pay for their own drinks?
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The Mall, two minutes ago
A deliriously joyful nation has taken to the streets this morning to praise its new Prime Minister. A packed program of events sees celebrations taking place all over the country as Brits chuckle themselves to the point of orgasm over the ascension of another unelected leader who has consistently voted in favour of military intervention abroad and increased powers for the security services to monitor people’s activities at home. Continue reading
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With number of children now the key factor in choosing the Tory leader, unemployed father of 129 Dave Grobbelaar has applied to join the race.
Grobbelaar, who lives in Harold’s Shippam’s Estate, said he didn’t want to knock people who had less than 100 children, but he felt constantly fathering children gave him an unmmatched stake in the future of the country.
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