Bill Clinton has angrily denied phoning Melania Trump, instantly causing people to speculate he must have Skyped or Snapchatted her.
“I did not have phone relations with that woman” said Clinton. “I’ve never heard of ‘speed dial’, I don’t even know what a phone is, much less how she appeared on my ‘frequent contacts’ list.”
Hillary Clinton agreed the internet rumour was false. “My porch is now very secure. High walls, security guards, video surveillance, a cellphone blocker, you name it, my porch has it. There is absolutely no chance of penetration.”
The Trumps also denied the rumour with the Donald tweeting ‘Sad!’ and Melania issuing a statement that was word for word the same as Monica Lewinsky’s 1998 denial.
While the rumour Bill phoned Melania is not based on any evidence and seems entirely made up, the denials by the Clintons and Trumps are making everyone deeply suspicious.
“If Bill didn’t phone Melania, that means Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, and Melania Trump have all told the truth at the same time. That seems, well, unlikely” said local internet pundit Alan Atkins.
Local woman Sally Evans agreed. “All manner of very unlikely things are occurring, Trump becoming the Republican nominee, Brexit, Kim Kardashian going a day without tweeting. Bill Clinton phoning Melania is far more plausible than any of those things, so it must be true, regardless of whether it happened or not.”
As a responsible newspaper, it’s not for the Evening Harold to comment on whether the rumour is true or false other than to point out that truth is the first casualty of war, well after all the people killed, that is.
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