“You in the track suit bottoms, yes you. Vote conservative.”
David Cameron has confirmed that his Life Chances Strategy for tackling child poverty must focus on parenting skills and completely ignore the effects of his own policies.
“If we waste time finding why there’s half a million more children in poverty since I became Prime Minister,” Mr Cameron joked with journalists “we’d have precious few resources left to tackle the real issue, which is teaching your kids to vote conservative.”
The future of politics.
Scientists at the Boston Institute for Studies have discovered that human interbreeding with Neanderthals is the most likely cause of the modern condition known as ‘Donald Trump’. Continue reading
There was widespread relief today after alcohol experts confirmed that the strict new guidelines apply to other people, not you.
The wholly unrealistic new medical advice states that people are allowed only a miserly 14 units a week – equivalent to roughly a thimbleful of weak lager. There would be no possibility of sticking to this meagre ration, but fortunately it is only necessary for other people to do so, as it doesn’t apply to you. Continue reading
Not. Speaking.
Tensions in the Middle East have risen further today after it emerged that Iran has blocked Saudi Arabia on Facebook.
The move is the latest, and most serious, in the current diplomatic row between the two nations and follows Saudi Arabia cutting diplomatic ties with Iran after protesters ransacked the Saudi embassy in Tehran, after Saudi Arabia executed a senior Shia Muslim cleric. Continue reading
Comments Off on Iran blocks Saudi Arabia on Facebook
Filed under News
Following criticism of their decision to not include the female Rey character as one of the playable pieces in “Star Wars Monopoly”, the manufacturers have announced that the game will now come with Rey busily using the traditional “iron” piece.
“We recognise how bad it looked to leave out the main girl character,” admitted a spokesman from Hasbro, the makers of Monopoly. “We heard your criticisms, and we’ve moved swiftly to make things better, by introducing a new Rey piece, engaged in the womanly pursuit of ironing.”
“None of the other old pieces worked – we didn’t think she’d much fancy driving a car, let alone a ship, and the top hat was obviously out. But with the iron, we think we’ve found something that will both delight and be familiar to our girly customers everywhere.” Continue reading
We asked his family and they don’t know who he is either
The centre-right of the Labour party is up in arms, after Jeremy Corbyn sacked Michael … whatsisname, err Dugher.
Their feeling is that a strong Blairite is needed to pretend to do a job that’s already being done by someone else.
Dugher was previously not in charge of transport. Before that he was not in charge of anything at all, as shadow minister without portfolio.
Comments Off on Outrage as Corbyn sacks man no one’s heard of from job that wasn’t real
Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
Papers please!
As details of an assassination attempt on Nigel Farage become clear, the hapless UKIP leader is being touted as the new Inspector Clouseau.
During an interview on Good Morning Britain to explain his belief that he is under constant attack, Farage leapt behind the sofa, thrashed about screaming for a few minutes, then emerged, claiming he’d had to fight off a Bulgarian assassin.
“Phew, that was a close one,” he exclaimed to a bewildered Susanna Reid, who’d just asked if he might be exaggerating the seriousness of his car crash. Continue reading
IS a dork
An ISIS spokesman said they were disappointed with the unimaginative casting of another Britain to replace Jihadi John, and the use of the same old tired desert location.
“Where is the creative spark, where is the character development? The gimmicky use of the child was just appalling, what next – a puppy?” said the spokesman.
Continue reading
Comments Off on Islamic State regret selling execution video franchise to Disney
Filed under News
A tragic near-miss
British Police are to urgently interview the entire population of the UK after it emerged that an attempt had been made to murder UKIP leader Nigel Farage.
“We have identified a list of suspects who had a motive to kill Mr Farage,” announced Deputy Commissioner Bunsen of the Metropolitan Police. “This list contains the entire population of the country, excepting the gentleman himself, of course.”
“The motive most of these people seem to have for the attempted murder is that Mr Farage is a giant tosser,” explained the Deputy Commissioner.
“The exception being UKIP supporters, who see him merely as a tosser.” Continue reading
“Am I a war criminal? Perhaps I’ll never know.”
Street parties have been cancelled up and down the land, after it emerged that it’s not foreign dictator consultant Tony Blair facing possible trial for Iraqi war crimes, but some of the squaddies from the business end.
At the Squirrel Lickers yesterday, Dan Brooks voiced his frustration.
“Those war crimes idiots can’t see the dunes for the sand. Continue reading
Comments Off on Joy turns to despair: It’s not Blair facing Iraq war crime trials
Filed under News, Tony Blair, War
The unimaginable horror
Reports across Europe painted similar pictures of the horrifying devastation caused by the attacks, with scores of incapacitated people suddenly believing they COULD dance to that Taylor Swift song, or it was EXACTLY the right time to ring their ex and slur how much they luvvved them.
Continue reading
Comments Off on ISIS blamed for mystery New Year’s attacks leaving millions with sore heads
Filed under News
Time magazine has announced Tony Blair has come 7,399,999,998th in its ‘Person of the Year’ award, just ahead of Katie Hopkins and Bill Cosby.
Mr Blair is said to be ‘delighted’ to have climbed two places since last year.
Continue reading
Comments Off on Time ‘Person of the Year’ sees Tony Blair ranked 7,399,999,998th
Filed under News
Trust me, I’m a Conservative
Oliver Letwin held a press conference this afternoon, to expand upon his ‘unreserved’ apology for historical remarks, which anyone with a brain might view as racist bollocks.
“What needs to be borne in mind” began Mr Letwin “is that I was and remain a Conservative. Thank you all for coming.”
Comments Off on Letwin’s explanation in full: “I was a Conservative”
Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
The Cribbins, seen in its natural environment
The RSPCB’s endangered species watch team reported today that ‘Voice of the Wombles’ Bernard Cribbins is now likely to be the only celebrity called ‘Bernard’ still surviving in the wild in the UK.
“Bernard numbers have been dropping steadily for many years, but until today’s count we had no idea just how rare the famous Bernard has become on these shores,” announced an RSPCB spokesman this morning.
“Conditions have been getting more and more harsh for the native Bernard, and one by one they’ve died out – Shaw, Bresslaw, even Manning – we don’t believe there remains a single breeding pair of Bernards in existence.”
Comments Off on RSPCB warn that Cribbins is ‘last surviving famous Bernard’
Filed under environment, News, TV
David Cameron puts on his ‘North’ face
“I’d heard about it in Smiths’ songs, but never for one moment thought it was real. My moral compass only showed a ‘South’” explained the Prime Minister.
Continue reading
Comments Off on David Cameron discovers ‘North’
Filed under News
“See this? That’s more than the public will benefit.”
Jeremy Hunt is delighted with the success of the Lewisham and Greenwich NHS Choir’s single, but says all the profits must go to the NHS, as the song was performed in NHS uniforms and filmed on NHS premises.
“But vulnerable individuals will still benefit.” assured the Health Secretary “After we take a 55% administration fee, the balance will be spent on staff redundancy payments.”
Where’s that pesky little apology?
Archaeologists were celebrating today after the discovery of what is thought to be the smallest, hardest to find apology in the history of writing.
The apology, which experts believe is on the bottom left corner of the front page of the Sun newspaper, was forced upon that publication after they were found to have lied to their readers by claiming Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn swore allegiance to the Queen for monetary benefit.
The Sun printed this story in massive letters a foot high, complete with a page-filling image of Corbyn with a jester’s hat clumsily Photoshopped on by a lazy intern.
The apology measured approximately 0.0000000000000000002 millimetres in height, was written in Welsh, and was actually only visible to eagles.
“We can’t believe we found it,” explained chief archaeologist Montana Evans. “We’ve never actually seen anything that small before, it’s a work of genius – only someone with the tiniest of tools and mind could have put it there.”
When asked why they had not apologised more noticeably for lying to their readers, a spokesperson for the Sun was keen to explain, saying:
“It’s pretty simple. We don’t want people to know we lie to our readers, so we commissioned this new micro-font that’s too small for humans to read, and used that.”
Excitement amongst children is reaching fever pitch as they realise it is just one more sleep before Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.
“I’ve been waiting for this all year” said Simon Evans, aged 9, from Harold. “I get to spend time with my family and friends, smell the incense, and sing some carols. But best of all, I get to stay up late and hear more about Jesus.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on ‘Just one more sleep till Midnight Mass’, say excited children
Filed under News
Narrow escape from the ginger menace
Following the arrest of the so-called “Ginger Terrorist” who planned to murder Prince Charles, Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that British bomber planes will immediately begin pre-emptive strikes in Scotland to counter the Ginger extremist threat.
The Ginger Terrorist hoped to make royal ginger Harry next in line to the throne, as a first step in a glorious Ginger Revolution, which would see the rest of the country forever under the auburn jackboot of the carrot-topped army.
Cameron plans to attack known centres of ginger extremism, such as Glasgow, where over 90% of the population are thought to support gingerist causes.
Lord Janner, the former Labour peer and MP accused of child sexual abuse, has died aged 87.
The peer had been accused of 22 historic sex offences against boys, with the allegations spanning 4 decades. After a prolonged legal process, Lord Janner was this month ruled unfit to stand trial to sighs of relief from the Crown Prosecution Service and the Establishment in general.
Continue reading
You must be logged in to post a comment.