One of these will blow your mind…
The rapid increase in the number of click bait related deaths has led top neurologist Dr William Fish to call for immediate action to curb the practice.
He blames the recent growth in deaths by ‘blown minds’ on social media posts which offer to ‘shock, stun or amaze’ the most vulnerable, sad, gullible and pathetically easy to amuse members of society. Continue reading
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It might be cramped, but you can always pop your dog on the passenger seat.
Fans of the much-anticipated ‘Star Wars – The Force Awakens’ have reacted angrily to the Millennium Falcon being branded an Audi.
With spiralling costs and an increase in video piracy, Disney claim they were ‘forced’ to seek income from the dark side.
“Product placement has been criticised in the past, but Audi is a natural brand to complement the Star Wars product”, said Disney’s Bob Taeft. “They chose the Millennium Falcon because it’s grey, doesn’t have indicators, but can do the Kessel run on half a tank of unleaded.”
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Bremner, Bird and Fortune
The nation’s sense of trust in the BBC has reached an all-time low, following the revelation that its flagship art valuation program Fake or Fortune is itself a complete fake.
The program features a gullible member of the public who has bought a work of art by a famous artist at a massive discount because the work has not yet been authenticated. It’s Fiona Bruce’s job to trace the work’s history across Europe and establish the all-important provenance. The gullible owner is excited by the prospect of a genuine work worth millions, but ends the program in tears, when an expert points out that Chagall never signed his name with an S.
An investigation by the Broadcasting Standards Authority, however, found that the program was made up and none of the characters were real. The findings were that the program was filmed entirely in a studio in Manchester and shots of Fiona Bruce outside the Louvre in Paris were created by back projection, using a look-alike actress, with her voice dubbed on afterwards by Russell Crowe. And the works of art were all stage props, made in the BBC’s workshops.
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Bono enjoying a quiet moment of smug
“Refugees, hospitals, and schools, you name it, we could pay for it all if only the UK and other Western governments introduced a compulsory system to take money from its people” said Bono smugly.
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He’s barely broken a sweat.
The art of Tai Chi body movement may be very gradually evolving into PE. That’s the claim in a new scientific paper, jointly written by an expert in Darwinism and a PE teacher from Harold.
“Evolution is a very slow process at the best of times,” said Dr Joan Mirror, “so when you’re dealing with the evolution of something as slow as Tai Chi, you’re probably looking at hundreds of millions of years before the hallmarks of PE begin to emerge.”
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Here’s some weather you might have missed.
The BBC’s extensive archive of weather reports has been bought by a channel for people with head injuries.
Dave, which repeats everything from topical news quizzes to old episodes of Crimewatch, can now exclusively show the BBC’s best guesses at what the weather was like a few years ago.
Making a welcome return to our screens will be John Kettley, Michael Fish, and the one with eyes like a horse’s before he had a beard.
The move is expected to be popular with people planning last year’s holiday.
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Sean Bean spotted in Waitrose wearing his head
Game of Trolleys.
Game of Thrones fans have once again had their hopes raised that Ned Stark might return, and that the script writers have found a way to put his head back on.
With filming of Season Six already under way, a sharp-eyed member of the public spotted Sean Bean, at his pre-execution height.
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16 years, 5 months, and three days after being presented a best actress Oscar for ‘Shakespeare in Love’, Gwyneth Paltrow finally finished her acceptance speech.
The emotional speech started at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion on 21 March 1999 as Paltrow tearfully thanked a number of her fellow actresses, movie industry figures, and family members both living and dead.
As Gwyneth was led off the stage, she mumbled, “and my fans, I’d like to thank my fans” as she proceeded to thank all her fans individually by name, before moving onto individually thanking her fan’s friends and family.
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It has been revealed that discovered amongst the piles of easy listening tapes left by al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden were a number of demo tapes in which the arch-terrorist brushed up his DJ patter whilst introducing songs by Cliff Richard and the Nolan Sisters.
From his whimsical style, it seems that Bin Laden saw himself as a Middle Eastern Terry Wogan, and his witty comments about the frustrations of his daily life of a revolutionary are quite amusing – if you put aside the atrocities which he directed. Continue reading
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Just a dream for most young people
A Dunstable University study says cinema popcorn is now so expensive, the only young people who can afford a tub are those whose parents help with the deposit, or those who live near unfashionable rundown cinemas.
“It is a ticking time bomb – young people know baby boomers owned their first tub of cinema popcorn in their late teens. They see the older generation having 3 or 4 tubs of popcorn each time they go the movies, when all they can hope for is crumbs. They see the super-sized drinks, the ostentatious purchase of chocolate buttons” said Professor Brian Rodgers.
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Categoric proof that there is no God.
A national experiment has shown that the lingering presence of Noel Edmonds disproves the existence of ‘Cosmic Ordering’.
Cosmic Ordering is the practice of writing down a list of things that you want, and then waiting for them to arrive.
Yet despite nearly 38% of the population jotting down “make Edmonds piss off”, the suspiciously dark-bearded pillock is still here.
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Evans dumps another load of former co-hosts.
Chris Evans has announced plans to clear out his garage, by auctioning off a number of unwanted ex co-presenters.
The self-confessed ginger has a vast collection of broken, long-forgotten sidekicks, which he buys at car boot sales, paints orange and then stores in his shed.
Amongst the lots are a rare Gaby Roslin, an ex-works Will McDonald and a tastefully modified Holly Hotlips.
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The Queen of England and Elizabeth Windsor
The BBC has announced the first contestants for this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.
Among the notable celebrities are some big name attractions including Robert Mugabe, Josef Fritzl, The Blessed Virgin Mary, new Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor and Les Dennis along with some more controversial choices including Jeremy Vine, a woman off Eastenders and troubled tv chef, Ainsley Harriott. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Christmas, Crime, Entertainment, idiots, Royals, Showbusiness, TV
Binge watchers might feel the urge to wear clogs.
A box set of all 55 seasons of Coronation Street is ‘unwieldy’, according to fans.
The cult show had hoped to appeal to box set-obsessed middle class viewers in the new format, but it would take 174 Sky boxes to store every episode.
Set in the fictional town of Salford, season 1 of ‘Corrie’ had the audience hooked from Day 1. But despite the show’s success, some people deliberately avoid watching it because they don’t want to dip in and ruin it.
“When the show started, I had to wait another twenty years to be born”, complained Harold’s Morgan Delaney. “That’s my parents’ fault, the selfish old sods.”
Because Morgan’s parents had decided not to have her when they were three, she never really got a chance to catch up with the plot.
“But now, if I can watch just four episodes a night, in six years time I’ll only be six years behind. I’ll finally be able to join in the conversation at the office. Assuming they’re recording it now, so they can catch up with the Archers.”
For people without broadband, the box set is also available on Blu-ray. “It’s been re-edited in 3D, you can watch it with the special Deidre glasses”, revealed Morgan. “Amazon are delivering mine tomorrow, by Chinook.”
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In a lasting memorial to the late Cilla Black, the mayor of Liverpool, Joe Anderson has announced that her monumental gnashers are to be made into a full sized replica of Stonehenge. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, charity, Culture, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Liverpool, Media, Showbusiness, Society, Tourism
Post a Minion quote and this is what you’re actually telling the world
Villager Pauline Regan is now in her thirteenth week of using social media solely to post Minion quotes leaving friends and family concerned for her welfare, and wondering if she’ll ever regain her sense of humour. Continue reading
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HBO, creators of gritty and supremely violent shows such as Game of Thrones, The Wire, and Spartacus have turned to an unlikely source for their next tits ‘n’ exposition spectacular, James Herriot’s All Creatures Great and Small, promising that their show will be ‘sexier and glossier’ than the beloved BBC adaptation. We’ve managed to obtain the first three scenes from the script of the pilot episode and publish them here so readers can decide if this version will be as glorious as a night in the Drover’s Arms or if it should be sent to Jeff Mallock’s yard immediately. Continue reading
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Disappointingly, all of the performers survived.
Villagers who paid to watch a so-called ‘Wall of Death’ have reacted angrily after a rider was left with only a broken collar bone.
Members of the public paid over £2 each to watch the spectacle at the summer fete, but were disappointed by the superficial nature of the injury.
The Wall of Death is a traditional attraction, in which motorcyclists ride around a circular shed until someone is killed.
“My friend Simon said that he watched it last year, and a man’s head came off”, said Bobby Evans, 9. “But all I saw was a guy whose arm went a bit floppy. His bone wasn’t even sticking out through his leathers.”
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Ambridge, towards the end of Season 1.
In a major coup for the satellite broadcaster, popular soap opera ‘The Archers’ is moving to Sky from November.
Despite being a staple of Radio 4 for the past 64 years, the drama will now be televised exclusively on Sky Ambridge HD.
“You read that right, you’ll be able to gaze upon a Grundy for the first time”, said director Alan Rothskid. “But only in the first episode, when they’re evicted to make way for a golf course.”
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John, with Petra No. 38.
No sooner had Blue Peter’s John Noakes been discovered after going missing in Mallorca, than rumours started that he wasn’t the same one.
Despite looking quite like John Noakes, the ‘new’ John Noakes appeared to be slightly younger, more left-handed and around 4 inches taller.
“No, this is the real John Noakes, what on earth are you talking about?” said BBC spokesman Felicity Evans. “Look, he’s even wearing the same badge.”
“No, he doesn’t come when you call him, he’s got Alzheimers for goodness sake. It’s just a coincidence that he now responds to the name ‘Nigel’.”
Evans was later overheard admitting to a senior manager that it wasn’t the same Noakes, and claimed he’d been replaced when the real one ‘went to live on a farm’.
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