Category Archives: Education

by | June 22, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Older generation despairs over launch of female masturbation app

When we asked the internet for images on the theme of female masturbation to go with this story one of the first pictures it gave us was this one of C.S Lewis. He is, of course, terribly sexy but we were still quite surprised.

When we asked the internet for images on the theme of female masturbation to go with this story one of the first pictures it gave us was this one of C.S Lewis. He is terribly sexy but it was still quite a surprise.

The news that an app has been launched to encourage female masturbation has been met with despair from Harold’s older generation.

“Young people today,” grumbled Ruby Butler, 83. “They’ll need an app to tell them when to breathe in-and-out next. In my day we didn’t have iPhones explaining at us about having fun with our otter’s pockets we had to make our own entertainment and it was lovely.” Continue reading →

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by | June 17, 2013 · 2:30 pm

GCSE exams to be graded using ‘smileys’ :(

Gove shows of smileys from both ends of the scale

Gove shows of smileys from both ends of the scale

After much debate over the future grading of GCSEs, the decision has been taken to move the marks into the 21st century. Scrapping the old A* to G system, and ignoring the 8 to 1 grading that has recently been proposed, Education Secretary, Michael Gove, has announced exams will now by marked using the Smiley Grading System.

With grades going from 😀 at the top end, down to 🙁 for those who have done less well, the visual representation will be easier for future employers to understand, and also gives a gentle way of informing less bright kids that they have proven themselves to be a bit thick. Continue reading →

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by | June 12, 2013 · 7:00 am

New GCSEs to be based on ‘bloody fight to the death’

exam

Oh, well done, Jennifer!

A major shake-up for GCSEs in England has been unveiled, with a move away from coursework and continuous assessment in favour of a bloody life or death struggle where only the fittest and most ruthless will survive.

Pupils will face far more rigorous examination, with those studying English, for example, having to battle each other in a huge arena armed only with broken bottles. Maths, on the other hand, instead of setting types of questions that can be rehearsed, will require developed disembowelling skills and the ability to swallow a still-beating human heart.

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by | June 11, 2013 · 7:00 am

Soldiers to be fast-tracked as teachers: new curriculum to include alcoholism, homelessness and domestic violence

Class 11C are about to get a hell of a shock.

Class 11C are about to get a hell of a shock.

The government has announced that from next year it will be fast-tracking soldiers without degrees into the nation’s state schools thanks to special courses that will allow soldiers to qualify as teachers in half the time that it normally takes. However head teachers are raising concerns about the suitability of ex-squaddies to teach and the curriculum changes that will have to be made in order to accommodate their expertise.

“It’s all right for David Laws to say ‘many members of our inspiring armed forces possess the skills and expertise relevant and transferable to the classroom – leadership, discipline, motivation and teamwork’ ” said Clive Morris head teacher of Harold Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold Comprehensive). “But once people leave the army all that tends to go out of the window and so we will have a generation of new teachers best suited to teaching alcoholism, homelessness, suicide, committing violent crimes, mental illness and domestic violence. All of which occur in disproportionately high numbers amongst ex-armed forces personnel.” Continue reading →

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by | June 5, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Gove to replace GCSE exams with Cowell inspired X-Levels

Amanda will bite your arse!

Amanda will bite your arse!

A leaked Government paper has revealed that Education Secretary, Michael Gove, is planning to shake up the examination system with the introduction of new X Levels, based upon the talent show The X Factor.

“We need to get kids to buy into the examination system,” said a leading Tory strategist, “and we’re willing to take tough decisions by calling Simon Cowell in to make this work. After all, we transformed the High Street by consulting with Mary Portas.” Continue reading →

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by | May 23, 2013 · 2:30 pm

School defends decision to have sixth form trip to Skyrim

Skyrim: everything you need for a school trip plus dragons.

Skyrim: everything you need for a school trip plus dragons.

Clive Morris, headteacher of Harold Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold comprehensive), has defended the school’s decision to replace the annual sixth form residential trip with a week playing Skyrim the phenomenally popular PC and console game.

“School trips have changed beyond recognition over the last ten years,” he said. “In my day you were abandoned to a random family in a crappy French town no more than an hour from the nearest ferryport where you spent the whole week hating the food and fancying a hairy French lass then returned home with a bag full of Hollywood chewing gun and a flick knife. This will no longer do and besides which HSFAIAH has been banned from all international ports in the UK for some years now.” Continue reading →

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by | May 22, 2013 · 7:00 am

Government bans maths

Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg's purpose.

Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg’s purpose.

David Cameron has announced at a press conference that the government has made maths illegal.

“We looked at what was best for Britain, what would help us move forward as a nation,” he said. “And the answer was obvious. What’s caused all our recent financial troubles that under George Osborne’s inspired and creative leadership as Chancellor of the Exchequer has got far worse than anyone imagined? Not sure that bit’s been written out properly, anyway it’s numbers. They are dangerous and so we going to ensure public safety by putting the understanding and manipulation of numbers beyond the reach of ordinary citizens.” Continue reading →

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by | May 15, 2013 · 7:00 am

Gove announces all 13-18 year olds to attend Eton

Imagine a whole generation just like these two.

Imagine a whole generation just like these two.

At a press conference yesterday Michael Gove shared with reporters what he called ‘the pinnacle’ of his education reforms by announcing that from September all four-and-a-half million school pupils in Great Britain and Northern Ireland aged between thirteen and eighteen will attend Eton College.

“This government is totally committed to improving social mobility and giving all young people the chance to succeed and achieve their full potential on their own terms. Unfortunately that’s actually really, really difficult so we thought it would be easier to make everybody the same and an Eton education is the key to absolute conformity.” Continue reading →

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by | May 11, 2013 · 11:30 am

Atheists pull ad campaign after spate of members killed in bus accidents

Say it isn't so

Say it isn’t so

The worldwide trend for atheists to advertise on buses, with slogans such as ‘there is probably no God, now stop worrying and enjoy your life’, looks set to cease after a local study found that 95% of people killed in bus accidents didn’t believe in God.

Professor Paul Saunders, of Dunstable University, who headed the study into the religious affiliation of road accident victims, said the results were surprising.

“Until relatively recently, the incidence of atheists being killed by buses was around 8% of all victims, roughly in line with the prevalence of atheism in the general population. But the last few years has seen this inexplicable spike.”

Professor Saunders ruled out bus driver hatred of atheists as an explanation given that a Richard Dawkins t-shirt is harder to identify at a distance than, say, hijab clothing or a Priest’s cassock.

“Also, previous research has identified that bus drivers tend to despise everybody fairly equally” clarified Professor Saunders.
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by | May 10, 2013 · 11:00 am

FEATURE: ‘Mending Good’ – the true story of a drug dealer’s tragic descent into teaching

breaking-bad

“Bring me the head of Michael Gove!”

Harold district’s local education authority is struggling to cope with the massive influx of former drug dealers seeking the easy route to riches by secretly entering the teaching profession.

Many drug dealers have come to the conclusion that they could do a better job than the disorganised collection of misfits who currently staff the education system, and by getting into the ‘business’ are finding riches and excitement they could previously only dream of. Such are the rewards available, many dealers are prepared to put up with the danger, drop in status and lowly social position that comes with teaching.
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by | April 30, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Controversy as University of Life wins University Challenge final

sexy brenda

Brenda had all the answers

In a huge upset, the winner of the 2013 edition of University Challenge is the University of Life, a team composed entirely of Harold locals whose formal education ended at the age of 14 or earlier.

The University of Life’s victory was all the more surprising as the team had not qualified for the final, but was a last minute replacement for the University College of London who mysteriously didn’t turn up to the BBC studio on time.

University of Life team captain and Harold Mayor, Rufus D Jackson, said he felt for the University College of London team, but their navigational woes could have been easily avoided if they had spent less time studying classic Greek and Roman literature, and more time studying classic Wacky Racers cartoons, with the Dick Dastardly sign-switching routine.
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by | April 23, 2013 · 11:30 am

Teachers told to not use pupil’s blood for marking homework in case it upsets them

blood1In yet another example of correctional politicalness gone wild, a school has barred its teachers from marking children’s homework using pupil’s blood. Apparently the molly-coddling move is aimed at preventing hurting students’ feelings, and stopping them bleeding to death.

The MP for Harold, Spencer Chadwick, took his concerns to Parliament after a local teacher approached him saying her secondary school had suddenly banned staff using pupil’s blood.

“Apparently it is all about not wanting to discourage youngsters if their work is marked wrong” fumed Mr Chadwick.

“But children need to understand the difference between what’s right and what’s wrong, and what better way to do that than use a vial of a pupil’s own blood to scrawl over every misplaced apostrophe. It’s polectional correticalness gone mad.”
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by | April 7, 2013 · 10:00 am

Doctor Beeching’s Axe found under railway siding

Vikki the Viking

Vikki, 19, with the axe

Building work on a new development of twelve badly-needed speculator starter homes was brought to a halt yesterday after an ancient axe was found at the site of the old West Station in the village of Harold.

Contractors initially thought they had made a find to match the discovery of Richard III’s skeleton under a Leicester car park and called in archaeologists, but the find was found to date back only 50 years to when the infamous Dr Beeching was putting the finishing touches to his destruction of Britain’s railway branch lines.

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by | April 5, 2013 · 12:00 pm

Lance Armstrong may compete at primary school’s sports day

20130405-015924.jpg

Following his withdrawal from a swimming championship in Texas, Lance Armstrong has been sent an invitation to compete at St Mary’s CofE Primary School’s sports day in May.

The annual event falls outside of the jurisdiction of any anti-drug agencies that have imposed a lifetime ban on all competitive sport for the disgraced cyclist, leaving him free to participate in the parents’ races including the 100 meters dash, the sack race, and the highlight of the day, the elite egg and spoon race.

Read the full story here…

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by | April 4, 2013 · 7:33 am

Management Studies prodigy earns place at Dunstable Metropolitan University

ProdigyMeet Simon Kettle – Harold teenager, school badminton club member and from October, the youngest undergrad at Dunstable Metropolitan University, reading Management Studies.

The 14-year-old’s stream of pseudo-profound motivational jargon is such that even his head of General Studies at The Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold Comprehensive), Clive Morris, is unable to keep up.

“He was spouting vacuous soundbites almost as soon as he could talk,” said proud Mum, Julie Kettle, owner of Cuts Both Ways scissor emporium on the High Street. “He was all ‘actualise this’ and ’empower that’. Our main challenge has always been creating opportunities for him to talk claptrap with professional tossers of a much higher level.”

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