Author Archives: Max C-F

UK tells Australia to hop it over kangaroo painting: we’ll tie it down if we have to, sports

The Kongouro from New Holland by George Stubbs

The Kongouro from New Holland by George Stubbs: obviously painted before roos evolved pockets. Wonder where it kept its change?

Two galleries separated by half the planet have launched appeals to raise funds to become the permanent owners of a George Stubbs painting of a kangaroo. The National Gallery of Australia launched their appeal citing that the work is much cherished in Australia as the first painting of a kangaroo by a Western artist and has featured on coins and engravings as a well known and important work of art.

The National Maritime Museum in Greenwich currently has the painting which is about as famous in the UK as a slightly popular teacher in a small village school and wants to keep it. An attitude summed up by Lemuel Auster an expert in wildlife paintings at the museum:

“This is Great Britain: we see, we take, we keep. Australia can jog on.” Continue reading

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Filed under Art, International News

Food bank for the super-rich opens so they can enjoy austerity ‘fun’

Three days worth of essentials from Food: The Bank

Three days worth of essentials from Food: The Bank

A Harold couple have caused controversy by opening a food bank for the super rich. Oofy and Lysander Eastoft reject accusations that their venture is in bad taste and say that it has been extremely popular amongst their social set which includes some of the wealthiest people in the country.

“It all started when we went to the food bank run by the church,” said Oofy, 32. “We going to get the three days emergency food that they give out and use it all for an ironic dinner party. But the vicar got majorly cross – seriously are vicars even allowed to know words like that? – and she said the food bank was only for people who were in desperate circumstances and had a voucher from their GP or social services.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, News

Film fan backlash as reviewer asks for £500,000 for socks and cake

SF McCrossin on his way to another film

SF McCrossin on his way to another film

Film fans have reacted with fury as local reviewer and self-proclaimed ‘Top Nerd’ S.F McCrossin has asked fans to contribute £500,000 to his Kickstarter campaign. McCrossin has failed to provide a breakdown of where this money would be spent leading to the widespread belief that he will spend it all on socks and cake.

McCrossin has long been notorious in film geek circles for his website Isn’t It Lovely.com on which he gives outstanding reviews to the most mediocre of films in exchange for presents from film makers and studios or as he likes to put it ‘gifty-wifties’. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment

Cameron’s regret as bad back prevents him from hunting the poor

Dave and friends in a better year off to bag themselves a pauper.

A better year: Dave and friends off to bag themselves a pauper or two.

From a cottage in Cornwall as he enjoys his fourth holiday of the summer, David Cameron has spoken of his regret that his ‘phenomenally bad back’ ruined his third holiday on the Island of Jura as it prevented him from taking part in one of his favourite sports – hunting the poor.

The Prime Minister has previously called poor hunting one of the most defensible field sports and is known to have been an enthusiast since his Eton days when he was a member of the Eton College Stalkers and regularly strode out with the school’s hounds in the pursuit of anyone whose standard of living left them marginalised and socially excluded. Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics

Football haters have strong start to the season: all clichés make successful appearances

Warning: this is what happens to your face if you can't talk about football without using the phrase 'bread and circuses'.

Warning: this is what happens to your face  permanently if you can’t talk about football without using the phrase ‘bread and circuses’.

Football haters got their season off to a strong start this weekend with all the main clichés being given a successful airing.

“I had done some pre-season training,” said local absolutely-not-a-football-fan Alex Gates. “Over the last few weeks if anyone’s mentioned football within earshot I’ve immediately inserted myself into the conversation and said ‘what it’s starting again already? But it’s only just finished’ accompanying that with a wry chuckle as if gently amused by the stupidity of everyone who isn’t me. This weekend I saw the benefits and was able to pull off the comment ‘it’s just a load of blokes kicking a ball around’ in a packed bar with the wry chuckle and a sneer of disdain. So I’m pleased with my performance so far.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Sport

X-Factor to be broadcast every Saturday and Sunday from now until Christmas

Tantrams

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by | August 18, 2013 · 2:30 pm

CIA confirm Area 51 exists: speculation that aliens walk among us rises

tom-cruise-crazy

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by | August 17, 2013 · 2:30 pm

New mammal found: future buggered by its being impossibly cute

Olinguito: the most famous Ecuadorian after Julian Assange

Olinguito: the most famous Ecuadorian after Julian Assange

Scientists who discovered a new mammal – Olinguito – in the cloud forests of Ecuador have given it the technical classification of doomed on account of its being impossibly cute.

“When we saw our first live Olinguito I looked into its adorable wide-eyes and thought ‘well, it’s buggered’ “ said zoologist Kristofer Helgen. “And that was before we watched it scampering all lovely from tree-to-tree and doing sweet little human things with its paws.” Continue reading

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Filed under International News, Nature, News, science

Search for Ed Miliband continues

Have you seen this man? What? Really? Oh, our mistake.

Have you seen this man? What? Really? Oh, our mistake.

The search for Ed Miliband continues amid concerns that Britain may have mislaid not just him but the entire Opposition.

“I heard that they’ve made the cleaners look down the back of all the chairs and sofas in the Houses of Parliament,” said Harold pensioner Ruby Butler as she and her grandson decided to do their bit and look for Miliband in the long-ignored shed at the bottom of her garden. “But all they found was a copy of the New Statesman and half a panini.”

“It is worrying,” said local man Adam Cassidy, preparing yet again to go into the woods in the hope that by leaving out dishes of guacamole and reading aloud from a biography of Ramsay MacDonald he would tempt any Labour politicians who may be hiding in them to break cover. “This country is being buggered senseless by the Coalition, social exclusion is rising, the people who need the most help are getting the least and Ed Miliband and the rest of Labour are nowhere to be seen.” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

UK Europe’s most inactive nation: government blames communities

Eric Pickels: Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government

The Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government

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Filed under News, Politics

Local Imam appeals for tolerance towards ordinary atheists after latest Dawkins outrage

Richard Dawkins: stupid in that way only very, very clever people are.

Dawkins: can’t outrage quicker than a quick tweet on Twitter

Local Iman, Qaasim Mohammed of Dunstable Central Mosque has appealed for tolerance towards ordinary atheists and asked people to remain calm in the face of the latest Twitter controversy from militant atheist Professor Richard Dawkins.

“On the first day of Eid, Richard Dawkins tweeted ‘All the world’s Muslims have fewer Nobel Prizes than Trinity College, Cambridge. They did great things in the Middle Ages, though.’ which is offensive in terms of timing and content but people need to remember that extremists like Dawkins while very vocal are a small minority and do not represent atheism as a whole.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Religion

Celebration as first Scottish panda due

shitbear bolder

What do you mean, ‘you can’t get bamboo up here?’

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Filed under International News, News

Snowden’s asylum in Russia was subject to a hetro test

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Putin testing Kim Jong-il: it felt so wrong, it felt so right

NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden has revealed that his temporary asylum in Russia was only granted after he passed a test proving his heterosexuality beyond all reasonable doubt which was personally administered by Vladimir Putin.

“While I was stuck in Sheremetyevo airport I was informed by officials that I had passed level one simply by having a super-hot girlfriend but then I was taken into a darkened sound-proofed room and told that I had to pass level two,” Snowden recalled from an undisclosed location in central Moscow. “I was told to strip, put on a pair of very small trunks and wait. I thought I was alone but once I was stood there shivering a man stepped out from the shadows. I couldn’t believe it, it was Vladimir Putin and he had a strange, almost hungry look in his eyes.” Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Cameron denies plans to ‘go a bit Falklands’ over Gibraltar

camerontank

Creepy, isn’t it?

As the row over fishing rights and a border tax in Gibraltar escalates tensions between the UK and Spain, David Cameron has denied that he is channelling Margaret Thatcher and planning to go a bit Falklands.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” said the Prime Minister as he gripped his handbag tightly. “I am deeply concerned about the situation in Gibraltar and considering all available options. If one of them happens to be a small victorious war which I can secure another term as PM off the back of  then that doesn’t mean I’ll definitely chose it. Just almost definitely, which is entirely different.” Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Scientists develop cure for Daily Mail

Could it's 117 year reign of terror really be about to come to an end?

The only two word combination that signals a higher concentration of mediocrity is Quote Unquote

Harold scientists Rachel Guest and John Goody have today announced that after many years of trials and research they have developed a cure for the Daily Mail.

“The Daily Mail has blighted lives for over a century” said John Goody. “We’re very proud to have beaten this scourge once and for all. Hopefully soon the sidebar of shame, the hideous use of the phrase ‘all-grown up’ to justify sexually objectifying children and a crazed love for declaring that anything, absolutely anything at all, can give you cancer will be just a bad memory.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News

David Beckham delighted to be new Doctor Who

The Doctor's new less-elaborate costume is going to result in some horrific cosplay.

The Doctor’s new less-elaborate costume is going to result in some horrific cosplay.

David Beckham has spoken of his delight on being chosen to be the twelfth Doctor Who.

“I am well pleased,” he said. “It was a bit hard to keep it a secret but Victoria wasn’t that bothered. She doesn’t watch science telly, finds it a bit too deep.”

Despite the Doctor being a huge role for any actor let alone one without formal training in his first professional job Beckham is confident he can excel.

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Filed under News, Showbusiness

SAS deployed to cover gestation and birth of Cowell baby

Thanks to these guys none of us will miss a thing. Choice does not come into it.

Thanks to these guys none of us will miss a thing. Choice does not come into it.

The SAS have been deployed on a street in Paddington to ensure that the months leading up to the birth of Simon Cowell’s baby gets the coverage it deserves. Normally active only in the world’s trouble spots several dozen of the elite troops are now providing 24/7 footage of the door outside the Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital which became the subject of global attention when Prince George, Duke of Cambridge was born on the other side of it last month.

“Nay-sayers are complaining that it’s too early,’” said an SAS Major who cannot be identified for security reasons. “But with an operation like this there’s no such thing as too soon. We’ve got boots on the ground now and that ensures we won’t miss a thing from first scan to first cry.” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Showbusiness

Teen in trouble with Chinese government over sex-toaster

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The device can also warm a brown finger roll.

Harold teenager and would-be entrepreneur seventeen year old Simon Delaney is today facing a lengthy legal battle with the Chinese government over his new invention: a toasted sandwich maker that doubles as a sex toy.

“I read a thing about a bloke who had to call the fire brigade when he got his Rasputin stuck in his toaster and I thought, why would you shag a toaster? Then I after a while I thought, why wouldn’t you? So I designed the perfect machine,” said Delaney. “Only I made it a toasted sandwich maker so you can have a bacon and cheese toastie afterwards or maybe even during. Everything’s better with bacon.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Village replaces NHS 111 number with talking to a gran

She doesn't believe you accidentally fell on the vacuum cleaner nozzle either.

She doesn’t believe you accidentally fell on the vacuum cleaner nozzle either.

Amid concerns that the NHS’s 111 non-emergency helpline is inadequately staffed and unsafe the village of Harold has replaced it with a freephone number answered by Ruby Butler, 83.

“It’s the perfect system,” said local GP, Clive Evans. “A significant proportion of those who access the NHS are time wasters. Since Ruby’s become the gatekeeper they’ve vanished faster than an X Factor winner’s career.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Health, News

Council’s just like the Commons session ends in embarrassment

speakers chair copy

Mister Super Paws: the purrfect speaker. Eh? Eh? Oh please yourselves.

Members of Harold Council were left red-faced after trying to liven their last meeting up by holding it in true House of Commons style.

“It was a hot night and we were all a bit bored,” said Eileen Remnant, Chair of the Planning Committee. “So we thought we’d have a some fun and pretend to be real politicians.”

In the absence of a Speaker quick-thinking council members secured the services of Mister Super Paws, the village’s favourite kitten, who was content to sit on a chair in exchange for a tied-up handkerchief full of catnip. Once in place council members began their debate over recycling bins in the manner that MPs would. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics