For example, don’t do this
After the prosecution of German comedian Jan Boehmermann and the setting up of a hotline in Holland to report insults against him, Europeans are no longer allowed to insult Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdogan. Specifically, it is now forbidden to call him any of the following:
Trumpspunket
Lissom-fingered groin grubber Continue reading
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“Nigel Farage? He was one of the hobbits, right?”
President Obama is believed to be having a nice time in England despite being thrown heaps of shade from a collection of blazers and swivel-eyes who want it to be 1952 again. Even though various Brexiters and kippers have tweeted mean things about him he’s found the strength to carry on with his visit. Continue reading
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Is this her O face?
2. Is the only monarch in the 20th century to have beaten a pope at Hungry Hippos (Pope Paul VI 1972).
3. Has completed all Panini football sticker books since 1976 apart from 1982 when Charles refused to swap a Kenny Dalglish with her.
4. Was involved in a hot threesome with Elton John and David Furnish, although the newspapers are still not allowed to report on the matter.
5. Is the undefeated champion of Trivial Pursuit in the Crowned Heads of Europe League, and seven times winner in the World Monarch Championships.<!–more–>
6. Was the original choice to front the eponymous rock band, before being pipped at the post by Freddie Mercury following a tense Queen-off.
7. When playing chess, does not allow her opponent to use a Queen. As such she is undefeated.
8. Had breast augmentation for when she used to pole dance on the Royal Yacht Britannia’s summer cruises
9. Was a huge fan of 80s group Devo and their hit ‘Whip It’, performing her own dance interpretation at Palace garden parties.
10. Is the owner of the world’s longest fossilised dog turd.
Measuring in at a whopping 39″ in length, the turd is believed to have been laid by a royal ancestor’s Wolfhound.
11. Owns an 8′ Anaconda named Nagini which is trained to suppress all opposing views held by mortal enemies. It also doubles as one of her Horcruxes.
12. Has never got bored of hearing the national anthem. And wishes that everyone still sang all the verses.
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Isn’t it time bees had a new song? Arthur Askey’s been dead a long, long time
Bees have finally spoken out over humans’ insistence that the middle part of their legs are in any way special.
“Don’t get me wrong, I like my knees,” Nectary Bob, spokesbee for Harold’s biggest colony told us. “But they’re not remarkable. Did you know that 90% of crops are only here because of bees? That’s remarkable. Our knees are very much Midge Ure to our mad skillz with pollination’s Bob Geldolf.” Continue reading
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At least we’ll always have General Melchett. Hold on to that thought, it’s beautiful
Stephen Fry, a man who has thrown repeated self-pitying strops on social media, has said that “Self pity is the ugliest emotion in humanity” and undaunted by the sound of the Global Irony Klaxon threatened to topple from National Treasure to pompous trumpspunket by linking self-pity and child abuse saying: “It’s a great shame and we’re all very sorry that your uncle touched you in that nasty place – you get some of my sympathy – but your self pity gets none of my sympathy.” Continue reading
As all Discworld fans know there is no justice, just him
A local man has said that he’s shocked and horrified to have died despite spending years avoiding almost all known foodstuffs.
“I thought this way of eating would make me immortal,” Felix Watson complained from the Other Side. “For over a decade I shunned anything you could describe as yummy and tracked my heart rate with all the joyless fanaticism of a Nazi in a rubbish war film.” Continue reading
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Without Mrs Thatcher this young miner would never have manifested his destiny
The government has this morning issued guidance to the people of Port Talbot who are facing the loss of 15,000 jobs due to the British steel industry being swapped about the globe then discarded like a crap pog in a nineties playground: get dancing.
“We’ve all seen that wonderful documentary Billy Elliot,” said a Number 10 insider. “A gritty insight into ‘the north’ and one which shows how people can improve their lot through ballet.” Continue reading
Fwends
MPs yesterday beheld a miracle as George Osborne refused to apologise for his budget balls-up with such arrogance he made Iain Duncan Smith seem like Jesus in his compassion and morality.
“No apology needed,” Osborne barked. “My budget looks after those who need protecting most i.e wealthy Tory pensioners. So what if it was an attack on the disabled. You say disabled, I say not pulling your socks up, and in some cases going so far as to claim you can’t put your socks on, and getting out to work.” Continue reading
Family home and granny flat
As Tory millionaires with at least two homes each gleefully reduce council house stock and preside over a housing market more out of control than Kim Jong-un at a cheeseboard, more and more people are setting up home inside whales.
“It’s embarrassing,” nurse Toni Morris told us. “I’m thirty and been working full time since uni but there’s no way I can get on the housing ladder. I never thought I’d find myself ‘doing a Jonah’ but here I am.” Continue reading
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Still a less weird Brexit supporter than Farage
Monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and keen Hollyoaks fan, Cthulhu, has declared its support for the UK leaving the European Union.
“I think it will be easier to rise from the stone city of R’lyeh and usher in an era of madness that will destroy humans’ minds along with civilisation itself when the UK is unable to so easily sign European players to the Premiership and the cost of flights has increased slightly,” it said. Continue reading
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Down with this sort of thing or hooray for Hollywood?
François Hollande has warned David Cameron that Britain must support the remake of Ghostbusters whose trailer was launched today. At a summit with David Cameron to discuss whether tampering with the memory of the beloved 1980s original is a good idea or not the French President told reporters that it was time to embrace togetherness and applaud a gender-swapped cast and a new script.
“I don’t want to scare you, but I just want to say the truth. There will be consequences in many areas if Britain remains stubborn to its belief that without Bill Murray in the lead role Ghostbusters is nothing,” he said. “Now that doesn’t mean that everything will be destroyed, I don’t want to give you a catastrophic scenario. But there will be consequences.” Continue reading
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Truly, they are the best of us
Annoyed by Hillary Clinton’s success in the primaries making her and Bill the ultimate power couple, Cherie Blair has announced that she will become Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
“Of course it’s a done deal,” she snapped at reporters. “Deals is how Tony and I do everything. Massive bungs from dictators across the globe, ta very muchly.” Continue reading
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We’d feel less patronised if they wore robes and laurel wreaths
The UK has united to plead with the government to stop arsing around in Hi Vis vests and pointing at things.
“It’s just horrible,” said local mechanic Sean Pavey. “They look far too excited doing it because for them it’s literally playing fancy dress, isn’t it? George Osborne in particular gives off a horrible whiff of ‘Cor, I’m being one of the lads’ before cutting training and apprenticeships so real lads, and girls, have less and less of a chance of actually doing the jobs that require safety clothes.” Continue reading
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He is never, ever, going to go away especially not to the Hague
Friend to dictators everywhere and queen of people’s hearts, Tony Blair, has claimed that he is baffled by the success of Jeremy Corbyn and Bernie Sanders.
“It makes no sense to me,” said the perma-tanned god botherer. “Neither of them are in politics to make as much money for themselves as they can and neither of them have a grasping wife who fills her boots to the very brim too. I mean, come on, what’s the point if you’re not out for everything you can get?” He went on to criticise Corbyn’s policies. “Free tuition fees: well, that’s great, but someone’s going to have pay for it. An end to war, but there are wars. Mainly because I start them.” Continue reading
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Dave ‘n’ his BFF: chock full o’feelings
As the UK was awarded its Specialist Snowflake in the Whole EU badge last night, David Cameron puzzled everyone by saying “I will be campaigning with all my heart and soul to persuade the British people to remain in the reformed EU that we have secured today” despite having spent every waking moment since 2010 proving that he possesses neither.
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A startling political transformation is sweeping through the UK’s straight men this morning as they contemplate going into town and throwing themselves at shops selling cards, flowers and bath bombs with all the urgency and judgement of a pack of coked-up wolves.
“Why should I have to do this?” asked villager Nick Stalling. “If feminism means we’re equal then why isn’t my girlfriend buying me a load of red and pink rubbish too? In fact why should either of us spend money on stuff or a meal out? This is no way to live. We should both stick it to The Man and ignore this objectifying capitalist shite!” Continue reading
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Twofer: Mister Superpaws, a baby cat
Cats and babies have beaten runners posting their mileage, selfies, humblebrags, motivational quotes, cryptic attention seekers – “Sigh. This is the worst” – pictures of food, game requests, and political/religious rants to meet in the grand final of a contest to determine the most boring subject for a Facebook status.
In the semi-finals, cats comfortably saw off ‘99% of you won’t have the courage to repost this‘ whines while babies kicked constantly posting about your health to the kerb. Now these two titans of yawn are to be pitted against each other. Continue reading
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David Abraham, CEO of Channel 4, has announced that following a spirited but ultimately disappointing attempt to off some publicity hungry has-beens, winter sports reality show The Jump will be replaced by Celebrity Russian Roulette.
“Sadly The Jump simply hasn’t taken off as we’d like,” he said. “Despite our best efforts everyone is still alive. So now it’s time to literally roll out the big guns and see who’s feeling lucky.” Continue reading
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If only more of them were like Officer Carey Mahoney
The police investigation into charges made against Leon Brittan was “unnecessary and unjustified due to the fact he was very wealthy and knew a lot of senior politicians”, a review has concluded.
Vowing that the police would learn from their mistakes the head of the Met, Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe, said that from now on “any man of a certain age facing a certain allegation will be ignored as long as he’s got a shedload of cash and is friends with Prince Charles/was friends with Maggie.” Continue reading
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Hello you animal lovers!
I’d like to talk about how dangerous it can be to get wood. Up the rec I saw a client enthusiastically waving his oversized woody about and was dismayed. I advise that we should all play with rubber when relaxing with our pets and choose our play tools carefully. Continue reading
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