Author Archives: dvo

by | February 10, 2015 · 6:00 pm

PM dismisses Cluedo finding: “It was Reverend Green! In the Larder. With the tax-avoiders”

Fall crucifix, fall!

preaching about the love of money on Sundays and Monday to Friday

David Cameron has defended former Trade Minister Lord Green, who’s behaviour as a boss at ‘The world’s local money laundry’ has been criticised simply because HSBC as a whole were a bunch of corporate chumps.

“Look, Stephen Green only came aboard after a full integrity-vetting from Andy [Coulson]. Then I gave him a fancy title, so he didn’t have to go through all that tiresome ‘being elected’ nonsense. And a job helping businesses to earn money we didn’t have because his previous company helped people to hide money from HMRC. Do I mean HMRC? Or is that HSBC? Oh well.”

The Prime Minister went on “Thieving bastards? No, not at all. And thieving is such a subjective term don’t you think?.”

Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Politics, Religion, Vicars

Tagged as , , , ,

by | February 6, 2015 · 7:00 am

Ratings crash: Miliband may have been unconscious at the wheel

Ed… Ed ……. Is he asleep? ED!!

The leader of a political party which careered out of control in Scotland says he has no memory of the crash, or events which led up to it.

Ed Miliband told the Evening Harold that although he understands Scottish Labour MPs want answers, he’d been unconscious for several years and could not remember anything.

Labour’s former-leader in-waiting says that he had no problems before 2010, apart from letting energy companies get away with murder when he was Energy Secretary. “But after that things are just a blur”.

The party went out of control in Westminster, shortly after his brother lost the leadership election and then crashed right across the UK, before being written off in a slow-motion Scottish catastrophe shortly after September 2014.

In a statement yesterday Mr Miliband said “I want to be able to reach out to the soon-to-be-ex Labour MPs and their families. Does anyone know who they are and where they live?”

1 Comment

Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | February 3, 2015 · 2:00 pm

“Amazing!” says Probation Inspector when he learned his wife had won probation contracts

amazed

Hoping for another job working with offenders. Maybe with Sodexo

“I was reading Private Eye recently and discovered that my wife was a Director of Sodexo”, said Paul McDowell the chief inspector of probation.

“I was particularly shocked when I read that Sodexo had partnered with NACRO, a charity I used to run. And if you think that was a co-incidence, that same partnership then won a whole sheaf of probation contracts! What were the chances?”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on “Amazing!” says Probation Inspector when he learned his wife had won probation contracts

Filed under Business, charity, Crime, Law and Order

Tagged as , , , ,

by | January 31, 2015 · 9:00 am

Has Halifax helped a man who didn’t give extra?

halifaxbadge

Stephanie knows if you’ve been naughty or nice. Or is that Santa?

The Advertising Standards Authority is investigating whether the Halifax bank might have deliberately lent money to a lazy oaf described by colleagues as ‘one of life’s takers’.

Other banks might give such assistance with impunity. However, Halifax’s claim that ‘people who give extra should get extra back from their bank’, means the advertising watchdog is looking at how the company actually weeds out the sluggards from the grafters.

“We’ve not found anything yet.” said an ASA spokesperson “Indeed, after only a few moment’s moderately hard thinking, we realised it was probably impossible. There’s nothing on the loan application form about it.”

“If we can’t come up with something soon, we may have to ask George Osborne how he sorts out hard-working taxpayers from the rest of us.”

Comments Off on Has Halifax helped a man who didn’t give extra?

Filed under Advertisments, Business, Media, News

Tagged as , , , ,

by | January 25, 2015 · 12:00 pm

Drink-driver’s ‘Coronation Street actor’ shame

camilla and babs

Well-known drinker and friend

Well-known drink-driver Barbara Knox acknowledged last week that she’s been living a double life, having appeared repeatedly in a tawdry ITV soap known to its addicted fans simply as Corrie.

Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms, says that social attitudes have changed over the years “The times are long gone when a drink-driver could end up in a couple of episodes of Crossroads by mistake, Continue reading →

Comments Off on Drink-driver’s ‘Coronation Street actor’ shame

Filed under Entertainment, Law and Order, Showbusiness, TV

Tagged as , , , ,

by | January 19, 2015 · 7:00 am

Government worried all NHS staff aren’t yet de-motivated

huntfingers

‘Even this much self-worth strikes at the very heart of Tory policies’

With a recent survey showing some NHS workers aren’t on anti-depressants, Ministers fear they might still be feeling OK about themselves.

“Staff self-esteem is much the same as C. difficile.” said a swivel-eyed Jeremy Hunt yesterday “Not something you really want to find in a hospital but succeptible to vicious, sustained attack nonetheless.”

Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Health, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , ,

by | January 9, 2015 · 3:35 pm

Hinchingbrooke management ‘hadn’t expected lots of sick people’

hinchinbrooke2

“No, really. You’re welcome to it.” [Circle Holdings 2015]

Circle Holdings, the first private firm to manage a NHS hospital, says it’s upset that so many sick people took advantage of a free service “… and thus spoiled it for everyone else”.

The company is so upset that it’s decided to withdraw from Hinchingbrooke hospital but made it clear that it will continue with many other NHS deals. “Some are very profitable,” agreed Circle’s top Money-Wrangler Steve Melton “and in such cases it would clearly be unethical to let the public down.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Hinchingbrooke management ‘hadn’t expected lots of sick people’

Filed under Aggressively Tested, Health, Medicine, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | January 7, 2015 · 7:00 am

Victim worried by Cameron’s claim: ‘all my thoughts are with you’

cameronthinking1

I’m really thinking ‘what’s for dinner?’

A victim of last week’s River Gluggle flood is concerned, after David Cameron emailed to say that all his thoughts were with him. Villager Dominic Delaney had contacted MP Spencer Chadwick to complain about the floods but received a response from the PM instead.

An anxious Delaney had this to say “I’ve no idea when his thoughts are due here … although I had a dreadful headache this morning. I assumed it was the lingering stench of sewage but maybe it was him; who knows what shit he thinks about? He might start thinking about bacon at any moment and I’m vegetarian”.

Rev Tansy Forster is backing Delaney’s fight against politicians’ indiscriminate sending of unwanted thoughts, and believes they’re becoming more frequent in the run-up to the election.”Some of them are so inappropriate. I was choosing what to have for breakfast on New Year’s eve when a fully-costed plan to feed prisoners pig-swill popped into my head; I’d accidentally tuned in to Chris Grayling’s malign resolution-brooding.”

“The next morning, when I was supposed to be praying, I wondered if it would be fun to kick away the crutches of disabled benefit claimants. I suspected it was satan tempting me” said Forster “but when I began to think about selling their crutches on Ebay I realised I was channelling Iain Duncan Smith.”

Comments Off on Victim worried by Cameron’s claim: ‘all my thoughts are with you’

Filed under Around Harold, Election 2015, Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | December 31, 2014 · 1:45 pm

Pardew leaves Newcastle after fans finally stop telling him to piss off

alalpardewwithball

Pardew’s Newcastle team talk “Loyalty. You can’t buy it, but you’ll know it when you see it”

“Once the Pardew Out banners went down” said the manager who’s left behind him the longest contract in UK football history “I thought, ‘Right, you Geordie tossers. I’m off to London, soon-as’.”

Pardew believes the best way to thank owner Mike Ashley for standing by him, whilst his squad played like a Sunday pub team, was to clear off whenever he got a better offer.

“Ideally I’d have nutted one of the ‘sackpardew.com’ organisers before getting on me bike back to the smoke Continue reading →

Comments Off on Pardew leaves Newcastle after fans finally stop telling him to piss off

Filed under breaking news, News, Sport

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 11:00 am

City Link collapse ‘good in parts’ says Harold Curate

bmwonbeach

For some unknown reason Andy’s last BMW rusted badly

St Paul’s deputy priest-in-charge is delighted with the new motorcycle he recently picked up from City Link’s local depot.

“My old bike was very corroded but I couldn’t claim under BMW warranty just because I’d got it free when it washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.”

Curate Andy heard people could collect parcels from the bankrupt courier company, hitched a lift to Dunstable and was first in the queue on Monday morning. “I didn’t want to go in on the sabbath Continue reading →

Comments Off on City Link collapse ‘good in parts’ says Harold Curate

Filed under Around Harold, Business, News, Religion

Tagged as , , , ,

by | December 19, 2014 · 7:00 am

Apple crumble over human rights allegations

appleworkerscleaning

Production line staff hard at work, cleaning up for Apple

“We at Apple are shocked to the core” said Graham Cross, after secret filming at Apple’s suppliers revealed repeated staff abuse. “But rest assured. Lawyers will be all over the BBC’s arse by Monday.”

BBC’s Panorama film showed workers so fatigued that they fell asleep during rest periods and even whilst operating machines.

Cross says although it’s common practice for workers to nap during breaks, he’ll investigate any evidence of sleeping at the workbench. “If it’s proved, then firm action will definitely follow. Wages will be docked. Guilty parties will first be named and shamed and then get a verbal warning: ‘Oy, Sleepy! Don’t doze off again!’ Only in Mandarin. Probably”.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Apple crumble over human rights allegations

Filed under Media, News, Technology

Tagged as , , , ,

by | December 14, 2014 · 4:50 pm

UKIP clarifies “Nothing unusual, Kerry Smith is a prick about everything.”

farageandkerrysmith

I don’t suppose you’ve got a spare fag?

UKIP has explained that a phone call in which Kerry Smith, their South Basildon and Thurrock parliamentary candidate, made light-hearted, racist and homophobic remarks shouldn’t be taken out of context ‘because he’s always like that’.

Patrick O’Flynn, UKIP MEP, told the Evening Harold that the call had been made while Smith was sedated and not speaking or even thinking rationally. “In fact,” said O’Flynn “it was about then that Kerry joined UKIP, which rather backs up his story.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on UKIP clarifies “Nothing unusual, Kerry Smith is a prick about everything.”

Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | December 11, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Miliband: “Labour’s deficit plan is to tax someone else”

milibandorange

How large is the deficit? Errm … at least this big.

Ed Miliband says that giving you and your business more money, whilst simultaneously taking taxes from someone else, will balance the nation’s books during the lifetime of a parliament.

“The next Labour government’s cuts will be kinder, more user-friendly you might say, than those of a Tory government.” said the Labour leader “And friends, that’s partly possible because we aren’t the Nasty Party. But mostly because of our deficit-reduction silver-bullet pledge. Our  cuts will only affect … someone else! Should it be silver-bullet, wouldn’t cast-iron sound better?”

Harold resident and ‘Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!’ owner  Pippa Delaney was delighted when she heard the news “I hate being taxed. And I love things like Harold’s NHS provision, Harold’s schools and our lovely Harold police, especially PC Flegg.”

“Now that Ed’s promised to ring-fence those important services” a clearly relieved Delaney explained “I’m happy with cuts to other wasteful services used by other people in other places, such as Dunstable. I’m definitely voting Labour now. Miliband is Labour isn’t he?Or is that the other Ed?”

Ms Delaney says she is sure Ed Miliband will wish to speak with her before finalising his election manifesto “I’ve already jotted down all the services I use but I’ve also done some of the other donkey work for him and drawn up a list of other people to tax.”

Comments Off on Miliband: “Labour’s deficit plan is to tax someone else”

Filed under breaking news, Deficit, Economy, Politics

Tagged as , , , ,

by | December 5, 2014 · 11:00 am

‘Massive Cuts’ likely to be in government after election, warns IFS

If the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement fools the voters, the next government will feature ‘a bunch of cuts’, warned the Institute for Fiscal Studies yesterday.

But what might such a large number of cuts look like in practice? The Evening Harold investigates.

cabinetoutside

Massive cuts

Comments Off on ‘Massive Cuts’ likely to be in government after election, warns IFS

Filed under Economy, Election 2015, News, Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | December 1, 2014 · 6:20 pm

Joy that Beckham car crash didn’t involve Posh singing

bexinpantz

Oh come on! Did you really want a car photo?

The music industry has heaved a huge sigh of relief after learning that last weekend’s Beckham car crash was not the warbling clotheshorse attempting another comeback.

Victoria was distraught after learning of husband David’s motor accident, having misheard the early reports.

“Oh, thank god for that, I thought you said ‘car clash’. There’s nothing worse than turning up at an event and someone has exactly the same car as you. I couldn’t have let him drive it again, for the shame he would have brought upon brand Beckham.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Joy that Beckham car crash didn’t involve Posh singing

Filed under Fashion, News, Sport

Tagged as , , , ,

by | November 28, 2014 · 7:00 am

Plebgate latest: Andrew Mitchell’s ‘unusually high’ expenses queried

mitchelldoyouwantsome

“Come on then. Do you want some, you w**ker?”

The Parliamentary Standards Authority has queried a £3 million ‘photocopy paper & sundry office supplies’ bill, which appeared overnight on Andrew Mitchell’s expenses claim form.

“Yes, it is a bit on the high side” admitted Enid Baxter, the night-duty Emergency Expenses Officer” and we’d have preferred it to be on a printed invoice, rather than handwritten on the back of an envelope”.

However, Baxter says it wasn’t the amount of the claim which caused concern but the request for the cheque to be made out to ‘cash’.

“I expect his mind was on other things” she conceded, “what with the £3 million libel case court costs and the Judge finding out he was lying. Probably.”

1 Comment

Filed under Media, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , ,

Link
scoutscarwashb&w

Intensive training should improve speed and technique for the GP itself

Although crowd funding allows Caterham F1 to contest the season finale, high fuel costs mean cuts elsewhere and plucky Harold Scouts have agreed to step in and provide cheap pit-crew services.

“It’s not our first vehicle venture.” said Rev Tansy Forster of 3rd Harold Scouts “Last year we made over £32.73 from a sponsored car wash and we’ll carry that experience into the race next weekend.”

The in-administration race team hopes to be competitive, but has taken on board Institute of Advanced Motorist advice to ‘drive at 50 in 7th gear for best fuel efficiency’.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Caterham F1’s Abu Dhabi pit-crew will be Bob-a-Job Scouts

by | November 18, 2014 · 8:54 am
by | November 11, 2014 · 8:11 pm

‘Regulating loan sharks will push people towards loan sharks’ say loan sharks

wonga2

No one wants to be last in a line-up

High Street sharks have warned that ‘unnecessary’ new Government regulations will force desperate families into the hands of back street sharks.

“With us, borrowers know where they are” said Peter Jackal, Wonga’s Director of Corporate Irresponsibility “Trousers round the ankles, head down the toilet and being right-royally buggered by a set of loveable cartoon characters.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘Regulating loan sharks will push people towards loan sharks’ say loan sharks

Filed under breaking news, Business, News

Tagged as , , ,

by | November 10, 2014 · 7:00 am

Relief that Ed Miliband will be put down later this week

Hmm. Don't think much of the leader. Who is he?

“Hmm. I don’t think much of the leader either. Who is he?”

Shadow Ministers will arrive at ‘work’ today with a spring in their steps, knowing that, as a final act of kindness, Ed Miliband will be culled before the weekend.

Lord Kinnock’s ringing endorsement of Labour’s human drag-anchor was the penultimate nail in the near-complete coffin, according to Lady Kinnock.

“Good grief! Neil didn’t know he was leading us to defeat, even when he’d already done it once before. As soon as I heard him talking-up Ed on Radio 4, I got my black dress and veil out of the attic and straight round to the cleaners”.

Colleagues queuing for tickets to stab Ed in the back, debated when the deed should be done. Some favoured Remembrance Day, with the nation’s attention elsewhere for a minute at 11am; others Friday morning, to allow the new leader a  full weekend before calls for their resignation begin.

“Yes, it was only this morning that I noticed Ed was useless,” briefed a potential leadership candidate yesterday “but you can trust in my vision for economic prosperity. Sorry, gotta go, Yvette’s doing a Sunday roast.”

Comments Off on Relief that Ed Miliband will be put down later this week

Filed under breaking news, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , ,

by | November 4, 2014 · 12:52 am

Theresa May: Fresh crisis as Norma Jean Baker resigns from Home Office

Big

Norma Jean Baker in happier times

Hapless Theresa May had barely sat down after pretending to apologise to the Commons for last weeks balls-ups, when ‘some Lib-Dem woman’ resigned from her team yesterday afternoon.

“I’m grateful to Norma Jean for all her work for the Home Office over the last err… Continue reading →

Comments Off on Theresa May: Fresh crisis as Norma Jean Baker resigns from Home Office

Filed under breaking news, Politics

Tagged as , , ,