Author Archives: dvo

National Rail will stay shit ‘for the foreseeable future’

ministeamtrain

Rail development in the North is being shelved for a few years

Plans to make rail travel bearable were ‘overly ambitious’ admitted transport minister Patrick McLoughlin yesterday, from the back of his official Jaguar.

McLoughlin explained how, with the election over, there is now no  immediate need to have northerners clogging up platforms and corridors with their whippets and homing pigeons.

“That’s it for the Northern Power-house for the time being” he chuckled “Northern Shite-house more like. Have you seen the way Jaguar ruche their leather seats on the new models by the way? Great to run your fingers over.”

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Filed under News, Politics, Travel

Gove on outdated legal system failing the poor. “Hang on, that’s my job!”

michael gove again

One thing I learned as Minister for Education was…err…

Letting down the poorest in society should be left to politicians with a proven track record of doing so, thinks Michael Gove.

“If there’s one thing I learned as Education Secretary… two, take away one … yes one thing” said the justice minister yesterday “it’s that you can’t simply let so-called professionals run things. A politician like me, with a fresh new approach – pardon?- well yes, untrammelled by previous experience in the field is another way of putting it – can often makes things better.”

Mr Gove is particularly concerned that there are effectively  two systems of justice in the country. “One Gold Standard, for the rich and well connected and another for those without financial means or influence. That is completely unacceptable to this Conservative government and we will now consign it to the history books”.

“We will rationalise things to create one simple, uniform system across the country.” he promised his audience, adding with a flourish “My predecessor Chris Grayling made a good start by slashing legal aid and decimating support services for domestic violence victims; it now falls to me to finish the job and do away with justice for the poor altogether.”

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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics

IDS denies accidental humiliation of disabled man: “No accident, it’s what gets me up in the morning.”

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

“That’s made my day!” IDS hears claimant really does have multiple sclerosis

Iain Duncan Smith has defended his department’s humiliation of Nick Gaskin, who cannot walk, talk or feed himself.

“It’s a well known fact in my head that benefits scroungers pretend to have multiple sclerosis, constructing elaborate facades by being fed and toileted by an army of well-meaning but frankly gullible carers.”

DWP officials repeatedly asked Mr Gaskin to attend a Jobcentre interview or risk his benefits being stopped. “We were pretty sure he was a wrong’un.” says IDS “When the potential consequences were explained to Mr Gaskin during a home visit, he just sat there blinking, so we clearly had him rattled.”

Nick Gaskin, from Leicestershire, was diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis (MS) 16 years ago. He needs round-the-clock care and can only communicate through blinking.

“So what?” asked IDS “I need round the clock care myself. In fact we have a dedicated DWP unit just to follow me round and sweep up the shit I make up. And I can’t actually feed myself either – not on a Ministerial salary.”

“But you don’t see me queuing up with a begging bowl and shall I tell you why? Well, yes, living rent free in a mansion on my father-in-law’s estate helps, but this isn’t about me. Don’t change the subject.”

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Filed under breaking news, DWP, Health, News, Politics

Dads look forward to a rare Sunday without household chores

man asleep on sofa

Even after a hectic week, some men are flat out around the house at weekends

Harold’s fathers are busy planning what not to do on 21st June when, in a break from tradition, their womenfolk will undertake the bulk of cooking, cleaning and childcare.

Many men are still recovering from their Mothers Day exertions, believing it was only ‘a couple of weeks ago’ that they left an unwrapped box of Milk Tray and a small bunch of dayglo flowers on their mum’s’ front doorstep.
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Filed under Around Harold, Greetings cards, Lifestyle, News

CORRECTIONS: Cameron clarifies soccerball allegiance

cameron with wine

“And a Steak Pie & chips my good man and make it snappy; the fourth quarter is about to start”

Well know sports enthusiast and part-time Prime Minister, David Cameron, has been discussing his ability to support multiple teams such as England, UK and GB “For instance, I’m a true-blue West Ham fan but that doesn’t stop me supporting Liverpool Rangers when they’re competing in the Eurasian Cup.”

The Prime Minister’s spokeman  later clarified that in fact Mr Cameron is a Villa fan and must have suffered from Brain Fade when referring to his support for ‘The West Hamsters.

“I’ve supported Villa Rovers since I was a lad” said the old Etonian; “nothing like standing at The Shed end singing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ to the world-famous recording by Freddie and the Dreamers.”

“Happy Days eh? Oh look, another spontaneous low-brow cultural reference! The Fonce was my absolute favourite, with his shaven head and lollipop sucking. ‘Who loves ya baby’ – I just loved that catchphrase.”

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Filed under Election 2015, Politics, Sport

Village chubster ‘buoyed’ that exercise doesn’t reduce weight

fishandchipsHarold’s fattest man, Billy McKean, has welcomed today’s news that physical activity does not reduce obesity.

The British Journal of Sports Medicine says it’s time to “bust the myth” about exercise.

Most Villagers will know that McKean starred in the TV documentary ‘Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog’ and has himself done extensive research.

“If they’d only asked me first” says Billy “I could have saved them a lot of time. Are you going to eat all those chips?”

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McLaren F1 announces new AA sponsorship

button aa

The AA managed to perform a tyre change in under 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Jenson Button is delighted with the performance of his Honda Civic powered McLaren F1 car and the new AA sponsorship. “The AA has made me a priority case. If they can’t fix the car track-side within 30 minutes they’ll tow me back to the pits. Which will help save fuel and be good for my lap times too.”

The AA link-up is new for Button but he has a long history with Honda, having been blessed by their previous F1 effort until 2008. “When Honda quit, the team had a small party then lashed together a new car with Mercedes power, which sadly won me the 2009 title.”

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Filed under Motoring, News, Sport

Hard-core porn sites urged to block links to Conservative Party

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

IDS learns of benefit claimant deaths

The Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre (CEOP) has called on porn-mongers to protect on-line youngsters from the Conservatives

CEOP’s Alison Bright explains. “With teenagers being their biggest customers, they have a duty of care to the young & vulnerable. A kid could be quietly banging one out in his bedroom , to a laptopful of Roman orgy. Then, before he knows it, he sees a foam-flecked Grant Shapps on-screen, lying about something. Again.”

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Ed Milliband needs to win at least 67 more seats to get into Downing Street

ah

Ed Milliband needs to win at least 67 more seats to get into Downing Street

Labour has a fight on its hands to win the General Election, as it needs to gain 67 MPs to get an overall majority.

Ed Miliband will be hoping to win back many of the seats the party lost in 2010, and will also need to take some big scalps to get into Downing Street. Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2015, Labour, Politics

Was pilot’s mental decline triggered by sprinkles shortage? ponders Daily Mail

Ice_cream_van_

Sorry son, we’re out of sprinkles, would a ’99’ do?

A man who stood next to Andreas Lubitz in an ice cream van queue, after a hectic game of football, has revealed that Lubitz had looked ‘a little wild-eyed and dishevelled’.

“At the time, I wondered if he might, later in life, become a pilot then kill himself and commit murder by crashing his aircraft into an Alp” said Gerhard Flumpf. Flumpf now regrets dismissing it as a random thought. By the time they were back in school on Monday he’d completely forgotten about it; until twenty one years later, when the 27 year old Lubitz did exactly as feared and a posse of journalists arrived in his home town waving cheque books.

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Filed under breaking news, International News, News, Travel

Elton John to sing ‘Candle in the wind’ at Richard III’s funeral

elton

Available in the foyer or on download

At Leicester Cathedral today, Elton John will play yet another version of ‘Candle in the wind’.

“Funnily enough” said the Cabbage Patch doll of Pop “it debuted at Richard III’s first funeral and Bernie agreed we should wheel it out again for this one.”

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Filed under breaking news, Royals

Thousand of idiots waiting beach-side, for huge ‘Darwin’ tide

manonbeachstorm

Andy heads off for a two dozen ’99’ Ice Cream cones, with extra grit

Hordes of dolts with limited imagination have been gathering along the beaches of south west England, hoping to see ‘the high tide of the century’.

“We can hardly wait” enthused popular Harold Curate Andy, pegging his windbreak with pebbles “I’ve heard it could be as high as a four-storey house. What’s that in metric then, about two feet? I can’t see anything going wrong but as I’ve brought the Sunday School class, I’ll allow three for safety.”

Andy explained that, by a stroke of bad luck, he’d just missed out on the Indonesian Tsunami. He’d been back-packing in the area only a month earlier, so he’s determined not miss out on some big-surf-wave action closer to home.

“The man on the TV said we should take precautions to ensure we stay safe and don’t put the emergency services at risk” said Andy “That’s why we’re wearing our b.o.g.o.f Eclipse Glasses.”

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Filed under environment, floods, idiots, News, Weather

Eyesight damage fears over Friday’s total eclipse of Brian Cox

Dr. Brian Cox

No smiles from Brian after he learns of his temporary eclipse

Keen skywatchers and other lonely men have been warned not to watch tomorrow’s total eclipse with the naked eye.

The largest glowing orb in the firmament will be temporarily out of sight, as Dara O’Briain passes briefly in front of the cameras focused on Professor Cox’s shiny visage.

John Harris, producer of BBC’s Stargazing explained the moon-faced comic’s relationship with Britain’s smiley-est man “Dara’s been running around Brian since our first series. Having only a scraped ‘pass’ in theoretical physics, he is held in orbit by the gravitational pull of Cox’s many doctorates.”

With a finite amount of cameras, it’s almost inevitable that O’Briain’s studio directions will occasionally take him in front of the pre-eminent star in the galaxy. This will happen again tomorrow but there are dangers for the unwary says Harris.

“Anyone tempted to stare directly at Professor Cox, even in eclipse, must only do so through something really opaque. Super-strong sunglasses, welding goggles or Ed Ball’s plans for the economy.”

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Filed under Intergalactic News, Media, News, science

Nigel Farage ‘not sure’ if he’s ever met a black person

New evidence that Nigel Farage may indeed be colour blind

UKIP will scrap laws preventing racial discrimination at work, says Nigel Farage.

Asked if he would retain a ban on discrimination on the grounds of race or colour, he said: “No, as a party we are colour-blind. Luckily,  we can still make out light and dark shades.”

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Filed under Election 2015, idiots, Politics, TV

Selma Police celebrate 1965 march by shooting President Obama

selma

It’s hard to tell, Chief. In black and white they don’t all look the same

After dozens of people including the President were shot, Selma’s Police Chief, Pete Garbut, explained his tough stance on this weekend’s civil rights march re-enactment.

“Give an inch and they’ll take a mile. You’re too young to remember this, but black protesters have marched across this bridge once before and last time it all ended in tears … yes OK, that may have been the riot gas.”

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Filed under Civil rights, International News, News, USA

Rifkind admits: “I may have accidentally told the truth yesterday.”

rifkind3

Got any change Mister?

Part-time politician, charmless Thatcher leftover Sir Malcolm Rifkind, apologised today for having told the truth yesterday, when insisting he was ‘entitled’ to more than an MP’s salary of £67,000.

“Quite by mistake, I said what I really believed. I now realise that made me look like a twat. A privileged Tory with my head so far up my bottom that I only see the light of day when I reappear from my own throat. I do hope that clears things up.”

When questioned about his comments on Channel 4’s Dispatches programme, Sir Malcolm Rifkind explained his remarks had been taken out of context. “Yes, I did say I’d a surprising amount of free time, was self-employed and that no-one payed me a salary. But the context was that  I’d forgotten I was an MP; a simple error of judgement. Haven’t you ever forgotten that you work for the Telegraph?”

A former political adviser to Sir Malcolm gave her reaction to his decision to stand down as an MP to BBC News: “I have to say there’s huge respect that he’s done the honourable thing … no, I’m sorry … can we take that again?

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Nivea’s new cream “audibly reduces” wrinkles

Molly (32) has used Nivea since she was a girl

Nivea launched more advertising mush this week, for women with good bathroom mirrors but low self-esteem.

“Sadly, we can’t lawfully tell outright lies in adverts nowadays” said Harold born Anastasia Blunt, Director of Word-mangling at Nivea “which is a shame, as that was the best bit of the job.”

“We have either to invent new words or slam real words together so they don’t actually mean anything. If it can’t be understood, it can’t be lying; we get our lawyers to run a check, just to be sure.”she explained, adding “The clue is in the words ‘make- up'”. Continue reading

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Filed under Advertisments, Around Harold, Business

UK lends Greece Nick Clegg, to help sell their sell-out

cleggy

Nick hears the call

Greece’s Prime Minister has asked David Cameron for Nick Clegg on loan, as he prepares for a massive climb down on pledges which brought him election success.

The untried Greek government has no experience of being in power and wants a seasoned u-turner behind the scenes to help with excuses.

“Nick is going to be out of contract in May anyway” said Cameron “so we’re lending him out a couple of months early, for 30 hours a week, as a condition of his JSA payment.”

Meanwhile Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis said he would ‘work night and day until Monday’ to devise the list of reforms. “Except for the weekend, obviously. No-one works weekends in Greece.”

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Filed under Election 2015, Greek bail-out, International News, Politics

Labour promises Ed Miliband an apprenticeship if they win the next election

The moment of realisation

If I can’t see them they can’t see me, right?

“We realise Ed has never run anything more complex than a bath” said a Labour press officer today “so we’re guaranteeing to put him on a day-release scheme to learn the basics. ”

“Assuming UK voters are stupid enough to overlook that he was one our last load of wankers.”

“Like challenging the energy companies when you’re actually in power,  say as an energy minister? Not like last time, when you were err … an energy mister Ed? Like saying ‘Grrr’ to Rupert Murdoch when you’re in Downing Street? Not like the last time, when you had to join a long queue of Labour colleagues to kiss his ring Ed?” asked everyone else.

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Filed under Apprenticeships, Election 2015, Politics

BBC news: ITV weatherman committed sex offences before he worked for ITV

fredtalbot

An ITV weather forecaster on ITV

BBC news update latest:

Fred Talbot, the former ITV weatherman, has been convicted of historic sex offences, committed when he was a teacher, some time before he worked for ITV as an ITV weatherman. For ITV. Not the BBC.

ITV has yet to comment on the conviction of predatory sex offender Fred something-or-other, who worked  for ITV on the popular ITV morning show  ‘This Morning’ aired daily on ITV at a time when young children might have been watching ITV unsupervised.

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Filed under breaking news, Crime, Weather