If we vote to Remain he’ll just keep on going, like a Duracell Bunny
The UK woke up this morning to the awful news that there’s still a calendar month to go, before deciding on the political careers of Boris, IDS, Osborne, and Gove.
“Not even four weeks – a proper month.” said Harold Teaching assistant Carly Jeffery “Thirty one bloody days. Seven hundred and forty four soul-destroying sodding hours. And I’m an insomniac, so I’ll be awake for most of them!” Continue reading
Button and Coulthard in happier times
Jenson Button lost his cool on the grid of the Spanish GP today, after being asked the same questions for the 300th time.
“For f*cks sake, David! I’ll drive as fast as I can until the tyres wear out, then I’ll come in for a new set”.
“After that I’ll go back out and do the same thing all over again.”
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Filed under breaking news, News, Sport, TV
His colour sense isn’t that great either
In the quiet English village of Harold, a local council is making a stand against the anti-social wearing of shorts by men.
“The first decent weather of the year saw men out and about in shorts which were already too small in 2015.”says Cllr Ron Ronnson.
“Oddly, most of the shorts hadn’t stretched in the back of the wardrobe, hidden under a 2012-2013 Manchester United scarf and a replica ‘Thierry Henry’ Arsenal shirt.”
Filed under Father's Day, Health, News
Won’t resign on a matter of principal
Nicky Morgan, the perpetually terror-struck Education Secretary, says her U-turn on forced academisation “wasn’t so much a turn as a bend.”
“As an MP and a corporate lawyer specialising in acquisitions, my main principles are me and my career. Continue reading
“En-Ger-Land, En-Ger-Land, En-Ger-Land… oh and Scotland too”
En-Ger-Land, a fantasy theme park which could encompass the entire country by 2020, may undermine prospects for a UK version of ‘Disneyland’ due to open in Kent the following year.
A company spokesperson, Mr Farage, explained how, if the shareholders give the go-ahead on 23rd June, he will start work the next day. “We’ll be rolling out traditional village pubs across the country; with jolly landlords reminiscing about a better time when no one was black or gay Continue reading
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Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics
All the yellow has been used up by irresponsible lookers
Following in the footsteps of Stoke Gifford Council, which charges runners using parks they’ve already paid for, Harold council has taken the unprecedented step of introducing a charge for looking at their park’s flowers.
“It’s a scientific fact that looking at daffodils uses up some of their yellow.” explained Councillor Ron Ronsson “By the weekend it’s often been used up Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Health, News, Sport
Fans still hope to discover what leads to boxing injuries
With the welcome news that Nick Blackwell is out of a coma, boxing fans are asking “How on earth did this happen?”
Boxing authorities said the period immediately after Blackwell was pummelled senseless by a barrage of blows to the head, was ‘not the right time’ to investigate the cause of his brain injuries.
OK, not the best picture but this way we’ve (probably) got the right chap
“It was bad enough when that awful little man Gove was in charge” says Melinda Tilley, the councillor running education in the PMs Witney constituency, who is a tad grumpy about plans to academise state schools. “But this new woman is planning to sell off our schools. And we’re true blue.”
Tilley insists “This is not why I became a Conservative, I became a Conservative so I could tell poor people what to do.”
Is there something worrying lurking beneath something worrying?
“UKIP claims their members are one in purpose” says Newsnight’s Emily Maitlis “but it beggars belief that they all think the same on a matter as important as the EU referendum”.
A BBC Newsnight investigation, to be screened on Wednesday, reveals a likely conspiracy amongst leading members of UKIP. While other parties allow their parliamentary party free rein to support the “In” and “Out” campaigns according to their conscience, Maitlis notes that “UKIPs MP remains suspiciously unanimous in his support for leaving the EU”. Continue reading
A little tighter, sir?
Nike says its new ‘HyperAdapt sports sneaker’ uses malnourished Asian ragamuffins to tie the shoe laces of clinically obese western-Europeans.
A spokesperson for the famously ethical shoe-maker explained: “Each pair of shoes has its own pair of Vietnamese orphans, velcroed to their superstructure. For the style-conscious wearer, our deluxe range uses matching identical twins.”
SOME DRIVERS LOST CONTROL WHILST AVOIDING STROLLING CHEWERS
Retired Colonel, Richard Blimp has called for a ban on people smoking fags and chewing gum near the Cenotaph.
“The first memorial was erected for a peace parade a hundred years ago” he said “but we’ve managed to wrestle it back for the jingo.”
Blimp believes that soldiers who died in war would be appalled by people enjoying the freedom they gave their lives for and peacefully wandering past the Cenotaph whilst idly smoking, chewing gum, or listening to the Chris Evans breakfast show.
“AGH! DON’T SHOOT. ME SURRENDER!”
Top US bungletwunt, Donald Trump has promised to have a protester-proof security wall built in time for his next campaign rally.
“I’m going to make the protestors build it, yeah!” Trump smugged, noddingly. Responding to suggestions that this might prove difficult to arrange, he said “You know what? The wall just got ten foot higher! Yeah?”
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Filed under International News, Politics, USA
“… I must just splutter, look bemused, and tousle my hair for a bit”
Ego-warrior Boris Johnson has reversed a ban on his Mayor of London staff opposing Brexit, which appeared to reveal him as a massive hypocrite. He also offered his sincere apologies to anyone who’d foolishly thought him a man of unimpeachable integrity.
“As soon as I knew I’d been rumbled Continue reading
Are you thinking what he’s thinking? Shame on you!
Low-paid workers are celebrating the UK Chancellor’s decision not to end tax relief on pension contributions.
“I was sick with worry, about it,” said Carly Jeffery, a Teaching Assistant from the English village of Harold “so this is a great weight off my mind.”
“Say that again and I’ll punch your lights out. I used to be world heavyweight boxing champion”
A well-known Pot, usually found lying to and threatening the vulnerable, has complained that some Kettles campaigning to remain in the EU, are using dishonest, bullying tactics.
The one-time ‘Quiet Pot’ is thought to be such an expert on spin that it wouldn’t recognise the truth; even if it was scrubbed, primped, and wearing a satin evening-gown, with the words ‘The Truth’ sewed on front and back in flashing sequins.
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Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News
“No, they all taste like that. Don’t worry.”
Serial tax-system-rapists, Starbucks will open a store in Milan next year, says CEO Toby Green. “We open in Milan, then further stores will be rolled out across the country. Think of waves of Sherman tanks in 1943.”
“Basically, we’ll f%ck the Italian treasury up the a%se from Sicily to the Swiss border, with Rohypnol-laced champagne cocktail parties and our tried-and-trusted off-shore profits, on-shore losses tax strategy. It worked like a dream in the UK. Well, we told them it was a dream.”
Once the whole country has been impoverished, the Starbucks outreach team will return to Milan. “Italian culture gave us espresso, Ferraris and more recently, multi-million dollar compensation packages.” says Green “and we want to demonstrate our respect for that culture and tradition.”
“So when we get back to Milan we’ll be hanging their Finance Minister from a lamp-post in the Piazzale Loreto.”
Armed Police visit the home of a child rape victim, to tell her parents to stop whining
South Yorkshire Police have explained that they were far to busy lying about their responsibility for Hillsborough, to be much concerned about children being raped in Rotheram.
“Hindsight’s a wonderful thing for you media types.” said a South Yorkshire Police spokesweasel “But back then, lots of colleagues still had pensions riding on our blaming victims of Hillsborough Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Police
“You’d better send an ambulance, the driver looks as if he’s seen a ghost town”
Of the 2,010 motorists clocked by police at over 100mph in the last year, over 2,000 were on the M1 in Bedfordshire, scurrying away from Luton, with their accelerator pedals crushed into the carpet.
The highest speed recorded though was 156mph on the A1(M) in Cambridgeshire. The driver had unwittingly booked a weekend at a Premier Inn in Bedfordshire, unaware Continue reading
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Filed under Law and Order, Motoring, News, Police
“…we’ll still be holding up our punters by their ankles, to shake out any loose change”
Ladbrokes, one of the the high street’s leading money-hoovering bastards, have posted their worst ever losses, to the delight of the nation’s gambling addicts.
Outgoing CEO, Richard Glynn, explained his simple recovery plan, which will leave his successor in a sound position; guaranteed mate, can’t fail. “Step one, we’ve a £10m accumulator with Betfred, for the first five races at Kempton Park on Saturday. That’s a dead cert so we’ll be well ahead by tea-time”.
“If that doesn’t work and we’ve no reason to think it won’t, step two means staking all February’s takings on Jeb Bush winning Continue reading
Mock-up of front page. Final version will be in Comic Sans and have a 50p logo
The UK’s first new national newspaper for 30 years launches next week and is aimed at “piss-poor” readers, says its editor.
Speaking on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, Alison Phillips said: “Thank you so much for five minutes of free advertising on national radio. The New Day costs 50 pence and our logo is a picture of a 50 pence coin, in case our semi-literate readers are also innumerate. Of course, we’re printing it in Comic Sans with markers on the pages eg Top, Front, Start Here, The End
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