Why is there only one word for ‘thesaurus’?
A new Scottish thesaurus which lists 422 words for members of the Conservative party, is facing a ban under the obscene publications act.
With words ranging from ‘bawbag’ to ‘jobby’, and dozens of ruder ones in between, the Scots have one more word for ‘twazzocks’ than they do for snow. And 421 more than they have Tory MPs.
Author Tristan Hemlock carried out much of his research in a Glasgow pub, and very shortly afterwards, a nearby infirmary.
“I sat down at the bar, and asked politely if any of the locals had a good word for the Tories”, explained Hemlock.
“The response was tremendous, I was met with a bewildering wall of abuse. Fortunately, I managed to write most of it down.”
Saudi cleric Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid has issued a ban on the building of snowmen in the north of the country following the appearance overnight of a 3 foot tall icy effigy of the Prophet Mohammed.
In a statement the cleric declared that to make statues in the form of any human was sinful, but to make one that looks a bit like how they imagine someone who lived 1400 odd years ago but of whom, not surprisingly, no pictures exist in a medium that doesn’t really lend itself to accurate depictions of facial features; particularly eye colour, skin tone and general beard scraggliness; was not only highly blasphemous, but also quite silly.
Photo for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to religious figures living or dead is purely coincidental.
Saudi riot police were despatched to the area where they set about smashing up, shooting and beheading all the offending snow demons and arresting groups of small children armed with an array of deadly bobble hats, scarves and woolly mittens.
Police eventually managed to restore order by arresting the ringleader, a jolly happy soul with a corn cob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal following a brief shootout at the offices of a French Santarist magazine.
Millions of workers across the UK are getting prepared to phone up their boss on Monday and declare themselves ‘stranded’ by the 1mm of snowfall on their drive.
The flurry of the white stuff fell on Friday night, but some are hoping it will stay on the ground long enough to justify an extra week off work.
Filed under News, Weather
All that glitters is not a contribution to road safety.
Safety campaigners have slammed the council as ‘reckless’ following the introduction of a fleet of road glitters.
Harold council bought three lorries to tackle the impending festivities, and to add a bit of sparkle to the B roads around the village. But Pippa Delaney was highly critical of the new surface treatment, after careering off the road in her Land Rover Freelander on a treacherous mix of sleet, frost and shiny bits of plastic.
Equipped with powerful diesel engines and a sort of spinny metal thing on the back, each of the trucks is capable of covering around 25 miles of road in glitter a night, up to a depth of three inches.
But Delaney insists that far from adding ‘a bit of Christmas magic’ to road traffic accidents, the trucks are actually causing most of them.
Even Geordies will need a coat
A long range weather forecaster working for a service that most of the population have never heard of has predicted a flurry of publicity for him and his company, after forecasting that the upcoming winter will be “worse than the last ice age”.
James Madden, of Exacta Weather, has a proud track record of accurately predicting the weather before it happens. Just last week, after several days of solid rain, he forecasted that it would “probably rain again tomorrow” and was then proved to be 100% correct the next day. It is this incredible accuracy that has sparked a panic among many people. Continue reading