Tag Archives: Kate Middleton

How to have hair like Kate Middleton

Kate's hair stylishly located on her head

Kate’s hair stylishly located on her head

Kate Middleton has hair, and you can too!

Kate’s hair is, in the classical tradition, stylishly located on her head.

The secret to having hair like Kate is to make sure you have hair on your head too. Simply look in a mirror at eye level, look up a bit, and if you see hair, you are in luck!

Don’t have a mirror? No problem! Put your finger between your eyes, raise it up a few inches, and if you feel something stringy, you have hair like Kate! If you feel something stringy, and then something scalpy, you have hair like William, ha, ha, ha!
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under News, Royals

Odds shorten on royal baby being named ‘Vote Tory’

Kate models her pillow

Baby name could give Tories a small bump.

Ladbrokes has revealed that ‘Vote Tory’ is the odds-on favourite name for the royal baby, after a visit to Buckingham palace by Ed Miliband.

Less than 10 minutes after the Labour leader left the premises, a flurry of bets were made from a large address in St. James’s Park.

“It’s an unusual name”, admitted Gail Evans of Harold’s branch of the bookies. “In fact it’s so rare that if they were one day to be monarch, they would only be ‘Vote Tory IV’.”

A number of names have been suggested recently, including ‘Goodfor Tourism’, ‘Nigel’ and ‘Gene Pool Enlargement Specimen B’.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Odds shorten on royal baby being named ‘Vote Tory’

Filed under Around Harold, Royals

Supermarkets under fire for ‘Morning Sickness Kate’ Halloween costume

uhbr1030l_10ltr_bucket_redBritain’s biggest retailers are today coming under pressure to withdraw from sale a Halloween costume that allows wearers to pretend to be the Duchess of Cambridge suffering from severe morning sickness. Continue reading

Comments Off on Supermarkets under fire for ‘Morning Sickness Kate’ Halloween costume

Filed under News

NZ Tour Latest: Kate Middleton to walk naked into fire with large, leathery eggs

george and dragon

Mother of George, and Dragon.

All eyes will be on the Duchess of Cambridge this afternoon, as she takes up her rightful role of ‘Mother of Dragons’ during the royal tour of New Zealand.

Wearing a red Catherine Walker coat initially to hide her royal nuddiness, the sylph-like Kate will disrobe away from the cameras. She will then slip into something a little less comfortable, namely an 80-foot high funeral pyre.

“Tradition dictates that the Lady Regnant of the Wider Gene Pool shall smoke an unsavoury hag during the birthing ceremony”, revealed a nerd inexplicably dressed as a dwarf. “She’s chosen Celia Wade-Brown, the mayor of Wellington, after the comments she made on Twitter.”
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Entertainment, Pagans, Royals, Vikings

Duchess of Cambridge Down Under: desperate search for photogenic disabled kids for her to hug continues

h4-batmancostume

This kid was rejected for being too damn cool

As the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge begin their tour of New Zealand and Australia the hunt for the most photogenic disabled or seriously ill children in both countries has intensified. It is a requirement of the tour that Kate is photographed hugging at least three sick or mobility impaired children a day and finding ones that fit the criteria laid down by Buckingham Palace is proving to be a tough job. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under News, Royals

Pippa Middleton humanely destroyed after fall at Grand National

pippa_middleton_butt

Pippa Middleton’s arse: we shall not see its like again

There were sad scenes at Aintree today as the Grand National claimed another victim. Unusually the tragedy did not take place at Beechers Brook but in the Royal Enclosure when Pippa Middleton who was wearing stylish but vertiginous high heels, took a tumble and broke her left buttock.

Senior Royals looked on dispassionately while race officials quickly erected a tarpaulin screen around Ms Middleton and she was swiftly and humanely dispatched.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Pippa Middleton humanely destroyed after fall at Grand National

Filed under News, Sport

Events in North Korea see Prince Harry ‘nervous’ around nephew Prince George

Harry promises to stop playing billiards a with ginger balls

Harry promises to stop playing billiards a with ginger balls

With news coming out of North Korea that Kim Jong-un has had his military-based uncle executed for, amongst other things, womanising and drug taking, Prince Harry is reportedly seeking reassurance over the future temperament of Prince George.

Harry has previously admitted smoking cannabis and been pictured playing naked billiards in a Las Vegas hotel with women in a similar state of undress. Looking at events in North Korea, Harry is said to be ‘nervous’ about his own nephew’s reaction to his past behaviour.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Events in North Korea see Prince Harry ‘nervous’ around nephew Prince George

Filed under International News, News, Politics, Royals

Duchess Kate ‘could be ageing’ reveals world media

kate's head

Signs of ageing ‘hardly noticeable’ until you blow them up and draw round them in red.

Professional harridans have warned readers of certain downmarket papers that the Duchess of Cambridge could be slowly ageing, it can be revealed.

Despite marrying into the Royal family and being quite thin, less professional journalists believe that there’s a chance Kate Middleton is still getting older.

Such a move by the Duchess will be a seen as a blow by the royals, and is likely to turn the public against her.

“No wonder she’s not a proper princess”, complained Harold’s Pippa Delaney. “If I’d married Wills, I wouldn’t dream of giving in to the passage of time. And the coat she was wearing made her look a bit ‘mumsy’. I expect she’ll be dumped soon and it serves her right, the frumpy bitch.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Duchess Kate ‘could be ageing’ reveals world media

Filed under Royals

Royal baby named George following William’s tattoo dilemma

Duke's new tattooThe Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have finally named the ‘royal baby’ George Alexander Louis after arguing over a suitable name. The arguments revolved around the length of the third-in-line to the throne’s first name.

In his continuing efforts to modernise the monarchy the Duke wanted to be seen driving his new family home himself, has changed two nappies to give their nanny a rest and is now going to get his child’s name tattooed onto his forearm.

“The idea of getting a tattoo has been set for a while but William is a bit of a wimp”, royal watcher Nicholas Witchell told us. “Catherine always wanted a Bartholomew, Montgomery or Slartibartfast, but he had his heart set on something short and relatively painless to ink such as Bob, Jon or 3.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Royal baby named George following William’s tattoo dilemma

Filed under International News, News, Politics, Royals

Royal baby boy is born: Duchess of Cambridge gives birth amid doping allegations.

Kate may be stripped of the 'Royal Heir Makers' yellow jersey

Kate may be stripped of the ‘Royal Heir Makers’ yellow jersey

Buckingham Palace have confirmed that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby boy. However, the validity of her labour, and subsequently the baby’s claim to be third in line to the throne have been called into question after initial indications show Kate has failed a doping test.

“We are still waiting for the results from a ‘B’ sample to come back from the lab, but we are sure she gave birth under the influence of pain killers, nitrous oxide and other ‘performance enhancing drugs’” a spokesman for the World Anti-Doping Agency told reporters.

“If the tests are confirmed, she will be stripped of the royal heir makers yellow jersey and receive a world-wide four-year ban from producing babies for any other royal family.”

The news comes just after Chris Froome became the record-breaking second successive clean winner of the Tour De France.

Kensington Palace has denied all claims of doping during the birth and promised to appeal any ban handed down from WADA.

“We are as shocked as anyone else at this result, and promise to conduct a full, internal investigation” the royal gynaecologist told us.

“We are sure she has not willingly taken any substance, but are looking into the possibility a cup of Earl Grey consumed during labour may either have been contaminated with diamorphine, or inadvertently given her an epidural.”

The Palace’s denial of deliberate doping may be questionable as witnesses in the Lindo wing say they heard a female voice scream “Stop prancing round in that f***ing pilot’s uniform and get me some f***ing drugs, NOW.”

In line with drug cheat tradition, we are expecting an easel with the very important announcement of an interview booking to be placed outside Oprah Winfrey’s house.

Royal baby named George. See Wills’ new tattoo…

Comments Off on Royal baby boy is born: Duchess of Cambridge gives birth amid doping allegations.

Filed under News, Royals, science, Uncategorized

Bruce Willis and team of mavericks ‘going in there to get that royal baby out’

going_in

We’re going in…

The nail-biting wait for the Duchess of Cambridge’s baby has proven too much for a a rag-tag bunch of mavericks, who have sworn to “go in there and get that damn baby out, or die in the attempt”.

Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson and Sylvester Stallone announced at a press conference this morning that they “were not prepared to sit here doing nothing any longer”, and are therefore planning an immediate raid into the inner depths of the royal womb to get the baby out, “whatever it takes”.

“Don’t try and stop us,” insisted Willis to horrified journalists, “We’re going in. And we don’t care how messy it gets. Yippee-ki-yay, Mother.”

Medical experts insisting that the pregnancy should be allowed to run its natural course were dismissed as “typical commie liberal do-nothing handwringers” by Willis, who pointed out that this was exactly the kind of nay-saying objection he experienced before his mission against a gigantic asteroid in the movie Armageddon.

Stallone was just as quick to overrule any suggestion that it might be tricky for three beefy men to gain entrance to Kate’s vagina, not least when tooled up with the impressive array of ropes, spotlights and specialist diving equipment they are planning to use.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Bruce Willis and team of mavericks ‘going in there to get that royal baby out’

Filed under Lost and Found, Medicine, Royals, Sex, Travel

Exclusive royal baby update; nothing’s happened

After tests, we can confirm that the tumble weed is not related to the royal family.

After tests, we can confirm that the tumble weed is not related to the royal family.

After a nine month wait, newspapers, television news, internet sites all over the world and now the Evening Harold can confirm that nothing has happened in the royal baby story.

“There was a lady who pulled up in what we believe was a car, and made her way into the maternity ward” our reporter for the Evening Harold at the hospital said. “She was large, screaming and out of breath. Early reports suggest she was pregnant but not the Duchess of Cambridge.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Exclusive royal baby update; nothing’s happened

Filed under International News, News, Royals

Kate Middleton elects to have a ‘media birth’

kate preggers

Traditional bodyguards keep watchful eye on royal beef curtains

The Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton  has elected for a media birth, according to palace officials.

Like many young mums-to-be, Kate had a lot of choices to make for her ‘birth plan’, with some advisors suggesting an exclusive ‘push’ in Hello!, OK! or Pregnant MILFs!.

Editors have been scrubbing their arms and donning gowns they found on ebay, in the hope of getting a glimpse inside our future Queen.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Kate Middleton elects to have a ‘media birth’

Filed under News, Royals