Tag Archives: england

Pukka Pies and Bisto announce new partnerships with England football team

Ahh, hydration for elite level athletes

Ahh, hydration for elite level athletes

Following the appointment of Sam Allardyce as England manager both Pukka Pies and Bisto have swiftly agreed sponsorship deals with the FA.

Leicestershire based Pukka Pies will give free pies to the England squad as part of the deal, on the condition that Allardyce is regularly seen on the touchline with a pie in his hand. This is not expected to be a stumbling block, with chicken and mushroom scheduled for the first half of matches, followed by steak and kidney for the second. Continue reading

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English invent the new sport of being English – England lose first game

Prince Harry's choice of kit didn't go down well

Prince Harry’s choice of kit didn’t go down well

With the sporting world being dominated by sports invented by the English but won by everyone else, the English have invented a new game in the hope it is one only they can win; the new sport of being English.

Sadly England lost the inaugural game, going down to a 134-0 defeat amid some questionable tactical decisions.

Leading the England forward attack were Prince William and Hugh Grant, two players considered to be the embodiment of Englishness.

Sadly the game was lost when these two giants in the game started talking in German from the first whistle

The team’s manager, Queen Elizabeth couldn’t hide her frustration from the touchline and was heard to shout to her players “was machst du?”

Speaking at her post match press conference, QE2 told reporters: “By speaking German they lost us the game. Obviously the rules state you need to speak perfect English, with more points awarded the more plums you have in your mouth.

“But speaking another language isn’t in the rules of being English. We tried to win the game back by having Steve McClaren come on and start speaking to foreigners in English but with a bad foreign accent and a slightly raised voice, but the game was already lost.”

England’s chances had already taken a blow before the match had even started. Typical English Tory toff Jacob Rees-Mogg was due to be playing the vital midfield dynamo role but sent his Swiss nanny on instead.

The support from the fans was also disappointing from an English point of view. Known for following the England football team in a traditional brassy way, the England Supporters Band turned up to get behind the team. Although confusion set in when they substituted ‘The Great Escape’ for the French national anthem played on vuvuzelas.

A last minute attempt to win the game came as everyone on the England team indulged in a round of binge drinking, throwing up, and fighting each other for no apparent reason, but sadly this all came after the final whistle and outside the stadium.

Unfortunately, things don’t look good for the future of England in the new sport of being English. Losing this inaugural game so emphatically can only be a bad omen seeing as they didn’t yet have an opponent.

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Raheem Sterling calls for ‘nap time’ to be introduced to football matches

Bless him, he's tired

Bless him, he’s tired

Raheem Sterling has suggested that the introduction of designated ‘nap breaks’ into football matches would help prevent a repeat of the fatigue that saw him left out of the England starting line-up at the weekend.

The Liverpool winger has claimed that the issue of young players being a bit sleepy is one that is not widely acknowledged within the game, calling for greater understanding, and maybe a thirty minute break to be introduced into each half of a match for them to have a little sleep.  Continue reading

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Germany win World Cup: English racists definitely need a new chant

Capture

What’s two world wars and one world cup compared to peaceful reunifcation, FOUR world cups and fabulous sausages?

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‘We would have beaten Germany’ insists Roy Hodgson

Currently on the run: may be delusional.

Currently on the run: may be delusional.

England coach Roy Hodgson has come out of hiding to give his astonishing opinion on Germany’s 7-1 destruction of Brazil in last night in the World Cup semi-final.

Wearing dark sunglasses and a dazed expression which could have been down to too many Piña Coladas, sunstroke or simply age, the man who lead England to elimination after only two games maintained that his England team could easily have beaten Germany to secure a place in the World Cup final. Continue reading

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England fans despair as team vows ‘we’ll meet all expectations’

despondency

“And then, after the penalties, I usually slump my shoulders like this”

At a press briefing at Luton Airport on Sunday, Roy Hodgson confirmed younger England players are being taken to the World Cup primarily to get used to losing.

”Some have lost with their clubs at home and at European level: now they must do so on the World stage if they want to earn a long-term England place.”

Sadly, others are still hungry for success “You can see it in their eyes: they positively radiate passion, belief and hope. And it’s my job, together with Stevie [team captain, Gerrard], to snuff that out.” Continue reading

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‘Stop being chirps, eh?’ Canada appalled as Brits try to steal ice-hockey

Also 100% British

Canada has called on the UK to stop their historical empire building. Matters have come to a head over the UK’s claim that it invented ice-hockey and that Charles Darwin was an early player.

“When it comes to history the Brits are plain greedy,” said Gordon Campbell, Canada’s High Commissioner to the United Kingdom. “Okay so you’ve stopped stealing actual countries but now you’re all about stealing heritage instead. Ice-hockey is as British as homo milk so hands off.” Continue reading

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England gets Scottish flag tattoo as a declaration of love for its northern neighbour

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If it all goes tits up then they can always have it changed into a no stopping sign or something

With just over six months to go until the independence referendum England has made a permanent declaration of love by getting a Saltire tattoo.

“This proves just how much I love Scotland,” said England. “But I had it done on the Yorkshire Dales so if I need to cover it up for work I can.”

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‘Shocking’ price of England shirts forces squad to play in ‘skins’

shirtless

Not struggling with a shirt will give Rooney more time to focus on his shoelaces.

England’s football team has reacted angrily to the £90 price tag on their shirts, and are threatening to appear at the World Cup in ‘skins’.

With money tight for the average Premiership footballer, many in the squad feel they have no choice but to play topless in Brazil later this year.

Star striker Wayner Rooney wasn’t impressed with the new design. ‘They’ve not even spelled ‘England’ right on mine, but the teacher has still given it a gold star’ said a clearly angry Wayne.

Roy Hodgson later pointed out to him that it actually said ‘Rooney’. ‘I knowed that’ said the player. ‘Am we playing for Rooney now?’
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Needy England wishes Ireland a very happy St Patrick’s Day

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Ireland: Phwoar, look at the Causeway on that.

“You’re beautiful Ireland, you know that? You’re amazing with your, with your, with your hills and your Causeway and all the stuff. M’not just saying that because I’ve had a drink. But I have had a drink and I’ve had it for you! It’s your special day and I’m going to celebrate it sooo hard cos I love ya! I love ya. Continue reading

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Remember the good times: Desperate England sends Scotland a playlist of their greatest hits together

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We have so much in common. Everyone in England also thinks John Brown and Queen Victoria totally did the filth.

Drunk and emotional, a sobbing England last night made Scotland a specially selected playlist of their greatest hits together in a desperate bid to rekindle the passion and ensure that Scotland won’t break England’s heart in September’s independence referendum.

“We’ve been together since 1707,” England slurred. “S’long time and we’ve made it work, haven’t we? We’ve had good times. Brilliant times! There was the Empire, we did that together, you and me taking over the world. And what about haggis? Invented in Lancashire and then you took it to another level: that’s teamwork.” Continue reading

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Is this about the cricket? UK’s Christmas card to Australia less festive than usual

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by | December 8, 2013 · 2:30 pm

England 0 – Germany 1 : Full match report

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England Vs Germany is one of the oldest football rivalries in football, so even though this game was a friendly, for the fans it means so much more. For the officials however, it is a game that needed to be handled sensitively which is why although it was all supposed to kick off between 19:39 and 19:45, they opted for a less controversial time of 20:00.

Wearing their traditional white strip, England kicked off against a Germany in green and white. England started well despite playing the first 5 minutes with ITV pundit Andy Townsend on the right. This misunderstanding was soon corrected and he was replaced with the intended Andros Townsend, which was a shame as Andros’s punditry was of a much higher standard than Andy’s

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FIFA awards the 2026 World Cup Finals to Antarctica

Managers will have to dig their own dug outs

Managers will have to dig their own dug outs

Stung by accusations of incompetence following the decision to play the 2022 World Cup Finals in the desert heat of Qatar, FIFA have responded by awarding the 2026 Finals to Antarctica.

“We’ve learnt our lessons from the Qatar debacle”, insisted Sepp Blatter, “so to avoid the higher temperatures of the summer months, the Antarctican matches will be played in the winter.” Continue reading

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English Sports scientist resurrects bails from 1882 Ashes

ashes

Brimful of Ashes.

A sports scientist at the cutting edge of technology has revealed plans to recreate the original bails from cricket’s famous 1882 ‘Ashes’.

When the unthinkable happened 131 years ago and ‘the colonies’ won on British soil, it was announced that ‘English cricket was dead’ and the bails were ceremonially burned.But thanks to three straight wins on the trot and a burning need to rub it in to the Aussies, Derek Hampton thinks the time is right to resurrect the once exctinct sport.

“By pouring the Ashes into a 3D printer, we should be able to ‘clone’ the bails back to life”, insisted Hampton. “I’ve plugged mine in and it looks pretty straightforward, although I’ve got to be careful not to accidentally fax them.”
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Newsagent reports surge in demand for Aussie sports papers

Watson

Ha. Haha. Hahahahahaha.

A newsagents in Harold has reported a 200-fold increase in orders for antipodean newspapers with miserable-looking sports failures on the front.

Before Thursday, Derek Evans rarely sold a copy of the Sydney Sports Echo, and Oz Cricket Monthly had been banned by the council. But following England’s success in cricket, bicycles and Wimbledon, owning such a periodical is now virtually compulsory.

“This is a good one”, said Evans, holding up a copy of the Wollagaloo Sporting Gazette. “You can see some phlegm on Watson’s face, where Clarke has been shouting ‘you have my full support’ at it.”
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Aggers urges batsmen to walk: ‘only a cur would run between stumps’

agnew

Agnew demonstrated how ‘swallowing the ball’ was acceptable if the opponents were losing.

Respected cricket buff Jonathan Agnew has slammed England’s latest approach to the Ashes, after witnessing batsmen running between stumps to score points.

“In my day, breaking into a trot was very much frowned upon”, revealed ‘Aggers’, to audiences everywhere too tight to pay for Sky. “We know we’re better than them so there’s no need to break sweat. We should thrash them at a more sportsmenlike canter.”

With the latest developments in computers, cameras and foreign scapegoats, many had assumed that controversy had abandoned the Gentleman’s Game. But with some players still insisting on waiting for a ruling from umpires rather than a Pakistani betting syndicate, Cricket risks being tarred by the same brush that daubs the sort of chap who plays football.
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“Rio ferdinand’s England retirement a ‘victory’ for the BNP” claims Griffin

Although a blatent racist, Griffin claims to see both sides of the argument

Although a blatant racist, Griffin claims to see both sides of the argument

Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, has said the news that Rio Ferdinand has retired from playing for England a victory for racists everywhere.

Ferdinand’s announcement comes after John Terry was picked for the last European championship ahead of him despite being due in court for racially abusing his brother, Anton. Although the court cleared Terry of the charges, the FA found him guilty and banned him accordingly.

“Rio’s decision is the right one, and shows the growing support for fascism in the footballing community” Griffin told reporters.

“I think we need to thank John Terry, the England fans accused of racially abusing him at a recent game and Paolo Di Canio for raising the profile of right-wing nut jobs in the game.”
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