Happy happy joy joy
As Labour continue to have an awfully big adventure in Brighton local inventors Dr Rachel Goody and Dr John Guest have announced that they’ve created the Perfect Conference Attendee.
“Through genetic mutation we’ve managed to change ordinary humans into beings that look smart, can only cheer and have five sets of hands in order to easily generate thunderous applause,” said Dr Goody.
The PCAs also possess reinforced legs as well as the stamina to give five hour standing ovations however their inventors are still tinkering.
“We won’t be finished until our PCAs have no ability to think,” said Dr Guest. “Then they’ll be ready for Ukip.”
Clegg half-heartedly eating a knuckle sandwich.
The Liberal Democrats have warned voters that there will be no future sell-out to the Tories, unless they actually elect some of his Lib Dem MPs.
The stark warning came as Clegg brushed aside questions about bedroom tax, tuition fees, bombing foreign countries, sex abuse cover-ups and actual moral fortitude. Instead, he read out the frequency his radio show is broadcast on and promised to do a fun quiz.
“A protest vote for us can still serve a purpose”, said Clegg. “A ‘vote for yellow’ is a vote for disappointment, a vote for underlining your disgust with the current voting system. A vote for highlighting the abject futility of voting.”
George Osborne’s latest plans to woo back Tory voters with the abolition of the ‘death tax’ looks set to backfire as it comes too late for many of the delegates attending the party’s conference.
With an average age of 146, the vast majority of delegates have been deceased longer than the Chancellor has been alive.
For the last two days journalists from the Evening Harold have been deep undercover at Doncaster racecourse. Cunningly pretending to want trains painted ‘proper’ colours and to only ever eat English cheese we made it right to the heart of Ukip and managed to get our hands on a copy of Nigel Farage’s conference speech ahead of him taking to the stage at three o’clock this afternoon. Continue reading
The moment of realisation
Only minutes after his triumphant keynote speech, Ed Miliband was in trouble again after not realising that Labour shared auditors with troubled supermarket giant Tesco.
Intending to underline the credibility of the spending plans, the gaffe prone leader managed to strike them through by revealing that Labour had used the same accountancy firm as Tesco, who owned up to a £250 million black hole in their profit statement.
The beleaguered leader made his latest cock up during an interview with Andrew Neil.
Conference location a bit too grand for the likes of some.
Rising chimney prices was top of the agenda at the Seagull Union’s Annual Conference in Scarborough this week.
Delegates complained about the cramped conditions many of their members endure, living in over-crowded squalor in crannies in the cliffs.
“I blame the government for failing to stimulate the chimney-building sector,” said one delegate, while other more radical gulls blamed the EU for restrictive anti-greenhouse gas policies.
Conference concluded that, whatever the root cause, the lack of affordable housing was due to a shortage of new chimneys, and passed a motion in favour of re-nationalising the coal industry.
Being a responsible news organ we can’t publish ‘The Photos’ but this should give you the general idea.
The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief when a court injunction was awarded yesterday preventing the Daily Mail’s from publishing a collection of photos of Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, enjoying a relaxing beach holiday with his wife, Irene, ahead of this week’s Conservative Party Conference.
Alongside the banned photographs, the Mail had intended to publish a story commenting upon his ‘unbelievable body’ and ‘skimpy beach shorts’. Continue reading
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