Tired of being used as a furry prop in lonely thirty-something’s lives and constantly being accused of ultimately planning on eating their single human housemate, cats have rebranded as Pocket Lions in order to widen their ownership demographic. Continue reading
Tag Archives: cats
Cats and babies have beaten runners posting their mileage, selfies, humblebrags, motivational quotes, cryptic attention seekers – “Sigh. This is the worst” – pictures of food, game requests, and political/religious rants to meet in the grand final of a contest to determine the most boring subject for a Facebook status.
In the semi-finals, cats comfortably saw off ‘99% of you won’t have the courage to repost this‘ whines while babies kicked constantly posting about your health to the kerb. Now these two titans of yawn are to be pitted against each other. Continue reading
A sandpit that’s as popular with local cats as it is with the school children of Harold has been awarded ‘blue flag’ status.
Beach scientists sifted through the 3 metre by 2 metre site, using their toes and EC-standard flip-flops.
With a clear pass for oil spills and only one sticky penguin found, the team praised the sand for its relative freshness.
“It’s a wonderful eco system, the top inch was relatively barren, but below that, we found some furry, brown ‘stink voles’ that were flourishing” said team leader Nate Grimshaw.
There was shock around the world this morning when John O’Brennan, Director of the CIA, admitted that his organisation made cats up to keep people distracted and compliant.
“Aw shucks, y’got us,” he confessed. “When the internet started we at the CIA quickly realised that it could become a global tool for unrestricted communication, uncensored ideas and free trade so naturally we put together a plan of action to combat that and so the cat was born.” Continue reading
Residents of the village of Harold are celebrating the introduction of an ancient bylaw forcing cat owners to open up their gardens for the general public to defecate in.
This delightful community event owes its success to many hours work by local police officer P.C Anita Flegg. It’s no free for all though, gardens must be open to the public between 9.00am and 6.30pm every second Sunday of the month, with cat owners obliged to provide tea, cake and wet wipes to all visitors.
A Harold scientist has been hailed a hero after developing an adhesive that can bond two cats together.
After years of experimenting with dozens of tacky tabbies, Rachel Guest finally made the breakthrough that enabled two felines to be combined into one octo-puss.
Guest explained why the glue had been so difficult to create. “There’s the fur to contend with, and obviously given their claws and teeth, it’s useful if it’s quick drying”, she explained. “And it needs to be resistant to shear forces, so they don’t come apart when they run through a cat flap.”
Council health officials have confirmed that a suspected cat with TB was actually just a feral set of bagpipes.
Residents had complained about a wretched animal with rasping, asthmatic breath which had left many unable to sleep. “It went right through you, I felt so sorry for the little fella”, said local Pippa Delaney. “But at the same time, I sort of wanted to kill it.”
A business that specialises in fitting metal shoes to cats has split opinions amongst the good people of Harold.
With the number of horses surrounding the village remaining fairly constant in recent decades, Nigel Thorvald has struggled to find a way of expanding his business. That was until he struck on the idea of shoeing cats.
Thorvald comes from a long line of blacksmiths and farriers, and has never struggled to make ends meet. “Although you’re not supposed to do that on horseshoes”, he told us. “You’re supposed to leave a gap.”
Thorvald had been content with his lot, until his bank suggested he meet their business development manager.
“It was supposed to be a chat but he made me feel worthless”, said Thorvald. “So I took out a loan, some insurance and paid for an advertising virus. And from that point on, I will not rest until all the animals, birds and fish of Harold are shod in little metal shoes of my making. Because if I do, they’ll take away my house.”
Hand-beaten cat shoes have become fashionable with the sort of people who live in executive housing; the sort who are always looking for new ways to pamper their pets.
“Mr Super Paws is now Mr Even Superer Paws, thanks to these crescents of metal and some powerful glue”, said Gill Gates. “You can tell they’re good ones because they’re really heavy, my spoiled little kitten always lands on his feet. Only now, he tends to leave dents.”
Thorvald explained that shoes for different animals have to be made from different metals. “For instance, for Evans’ Gloucester Old Spots, I use pig iron. For cats, it’s fel-iron. And for donkeys? For them, I use ee-ore.”
Due to the unique way Thorvald folds the metal, his cat shoes are powerfully magnetic. This makes the cats that he’s shod ideal for use as car bonnet ornaments, fridge memo holders and pipe lagging.
“My shoes certainly bring the critters together, it’s pure animal magnetism”, explained Thorvald. “Although you can separate them if you have a strong enough crowbar. The only downside is that most of them can’t climb trees any more. But you should see how fast the buggers can get up a lamp post.”
Thorvald is working on a more permanent way of attaching his footwear than glue, but is worried about people with food allergies. “I’d advise intollerant cat owners to stick with the glue. Some people have a terrible reaction to cat shoe nuts.”
After 48 years of loyal service, Alan ‘Beady’ Bladon has decided to retire from his position at Harold’s museum. Since joining the organisation in 1965, Alan has been the eyes in a painting that follow you around the room.
“Harold museum was struggling n the ’60s when I joined, so we had to look at different ways of bringing in visitors” Mr Bladon told us. “We quickly realised that all the best museums have a painting where the eyes follow you wherever you go.
“After having our £5.30 bid for the Mona Lisa turned down, we were left with no such portrait so opted to cut holes in an existing piece and have me look through it with my eyes following people.”
Visitors to the museum have described the painting as odd, creepy and even perverse. Since taking up his position in the piece, people have claimed the eyes have followed them around, have started winking at them, and in 1983 an outbreak of conjunctivitis was even blamed on Mr Bladon’s then pink eyes.
Describing her experience, regular chin-stroking art enthusiast and owner of ‘Sally’z Cutz’, Sally Lloyd said “I always got the strange feeling I was being watched when I was in the same room as the painting.
“However, it got weirder the closer I got. Every time I leant in to see the finer details of a picture, the eyes’ gaze seemed to move from my eyes to staring down my top.”
The museum has told us they are now looking for a replacement set of staring eyes, but admit despite having hundreds of applications, the position is proving hard to fill. “All of the applicants so far have the skills needed to look at people all day, but our insistence on a criminal records check has set us back.”
A L M O S T A N A D V E R T I S I N G F E A T U R E
Has your moggy become bit of a doggy? Well, you can improve her image by buying her something from Cajazzle, the luxury jewellery range that is guaranteed to take the bag out of your cat.
If you’ve ever thought that your pussy should be better dressed when going out in the evening then Cajazzle has just the thing for you and your feline. Devised by former Bond girl and cat lover, Emilie Bourdain, there is something for all varieties from ginger to tortoiseshell. Continue reading