Despite claiming to love it more than racist posters and buses bedecked with lies, Brexiters are now saying that they want a sovereign parliament about as much as they want to live close to a mosque. Continue reading
Tag Archives: Brexit
Wiping tears of mirth from her eyes Harold’s Labour Councilor Nina O’Neil said that this had “cheered her up a treat” and that “it’s good to step away from politics and Trump and Brexit and laugh at something absurd. Is Tony Blair the new parrot sketch?”
“The idea that a war-mongering, dodgy business owning, where do you even start with the wife, possessor of a fortune built on the blood of Iraqi children, psycho-Christian could in any way represent the left is just hilarious,” she said. “Can he be on BBC1 on Christmas Day instead of Mrs Brown?”
“It’s just a jump to the right and then a step to the right”: Brexit Time Warp is crap, complain dancers
The Ministry of Truth-approved version of dull people thinking they’re cutting loose classic, the Time Warp, is almost impossible to dance to, would-be revellers have complained.
As culture continues to undergo evaluation and correction to make it suitable for Brexit Britain the Time Warp has failed to be improved. “It’s rubbish,” said disappointed terpsichorean, Jane Hough. “It’s just a jump to the right and then a step to the right, with your right arm in the air, women, keep your knees in tight, there’s no pelvic thrust…How do you dance to that?”
“The whole thing becomes a mess of disgruntled people milling around not knowing what they’re doing and having no fun,” she said. “What that’s got to do with Brexit I can’t imagine.”
Lemming spokesman Nigel said while he and his fellow rodents were only endowed with very small brains, they gave up cliff jumping decades ago.
The Daily Mail, an evil early post-war village fête where all the cakes taste like hate and the top prize in the raffle is a trip to throw stones at the Windrush as she docks in word form, is today demanding the death penalty for the three judges who ruled that MPs should vote on Brexit after they were photographed not wearing poppies. Continue reading
Embodiment of arguments against wealth, privilege, and inbreeding, MP Jacob Rees-Mogg, says that Eton, Oxford, and a few years juggling other people’s money means he knows more than High Court Judges do about constitutional law.
Rather than spending hours in court, carefully listening to legal argument, fierce brexiter Rees-Mogg spent hours in TV studios, waiting to spout nonsense as soon as the High Court decision on triggering Article 50 was announced. So it was no surprise that he was at Sky News, already wearing his make-up, when it was. Continue reading
For her first PM speech at the EU summit, Theresa May was given a prestigious slot, between the traditional ceremonies of “Clearing the coffee cups” and “Laying the breakfast tables”.
After thanking her hosts for the honour of “the last speech”, with time limits enforced by Nicholas Parsons, Continue reading
Despite most Brits being obese city dwellers who wouldn’t know a badger if they found one in their kitchen whipping up a batch of parkin, Amber Rudd has announced that every citizen of Brexit Britain is now required to watch Countryfile. Continue reading
Part-time scrapper, Steven Woolfe has been left stranded and lonely, after fleeing UKIP and not being rescued.
“I was afraid for my life after being attacked by Mike Hookem. I had to get out at such short notice I had to leave my principles behind.” said Woolfe yesterday “Astonishingly, other political parties simply rejected me.”
A tearful Woolfe appealed to Conservatives’ sense of compassion “It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be welcomed. Continue reading
Minister for Brexit, David Davis, is to promise the UK what it needs in a speech at the Tory conference.
“Will it hurt?” he will say. “Not for me. For you, that’s a different matter. Hurt is such a subjective expression, don’t you think?” Continue reading
Following allegations over her behaviour in not allowing MPs a vote on Brexit, Theresa May has confirmed that she is exactly like a Tudor monarch in that she’s had six wives, and, as well an incurable sexually transmitted disease, also possesses a demented penchant for composing crap yet catchy songs upon a lute, and executing former BFFs. Continue reading
“Actually I’m proud of this river of shit” said the Britain First member. “It’s a symbol of how patriots like me stood up to those Eastern Europeans who were taking the piss, and, as it happens, taking the shit.”
Mitchell said living in a rapidly growing torrent of excrement was a small price to pay for taking back control of Britain’s drains and sewers.
The UK is under new leadership this morning following a coup by the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, Lord Havelock Vetinari.
“Coup is a needlessly dramatic word,” Lord Vetinari told reporters. “I can hardly be said to have violently thrown a government from power when you don’t have one, or an Opposition. Both sides seem entirely preoccupied with what one might call ‘internal matters’. Indeed barely anyone noticed as I walked into Number Ten and installed myself in the best office and Drumknott in an suitable alcove nearby. The only person to do more than raise an eyebrow was Theresa May who I must say kicks like a mule and has a command of the baser aspects of the English language that is entirely formidable.” Continue reading
The vast majority of Labour MPs have today confirmed that they will no longer be serving their constituencies and the country as a whole and from now on will be one hundred per cent focussed on their own narrow interests and financial futures. Continue reading
Speaking to a packed House of Commons David Cameron has confirmed that in order to provide the nation with leadership and stability Larry the cat, currently in post as Downing Street’s top mouser, will be Prime Minister very soon.
“This country is divided and facing economic armageddon,” Cameron said from the dispatch box. “I don’t know why everyone’s pointing and jeering as if that’s somehow my fault. Anyway, we need a strong leader and Larry is by some margin the most capable and popular member of this government. Plus no one knows who his dad is so there’s no Panama-style revelations lurking in any closets there.” Continue reading
“The people have spoken and the 63rd element Eu must go. There is already substantial pressure building up, with new elements such as 115, 116 and 117 entering the periodic table without any attempt whatsoever to stop them at the border.”
“The problem is there could be no end to these additions, leading to overcrowding and instability. We need to ensure the periodic table is primarily reserved for British elements, such as H and O, and whatever beer is made of” said Farage.
“To be honest, I’m a bit baffled why I’m still unemployed now we’ve given the heave-ho to those foreigners who’ve stolen our jobs. But I guess it takes a bit of time to sack those foreign doctors, and I’ll get the call up to replace them as soon as the paperwork is completed” said Mr Mitchell.
“I’ve always wanted to visit Britain but having to save 4,945 years salary to afford the airfare and hotel put me off” said Henry Mallari. “But now I can pay for the holiday with loose change I found behind the couch.”
As the Brexit and Remain campaigns launch into their final fevered day of shouting at the rest of us like we’re all five and didn’t go to the toilet when Miss told us too and now look at the mess there is concern on both sides that voters aren’t yet sufficiently terrified.
“I don’t want people mooching into the polling centre early evening to casually take part in a little light democracy,” said Boris Johnson. “I want them queuing up half the night scared beyond words by the thought that if they don’t get that cross in the leave box as soon as possible 800 million Turks will invade by teatime and bugger the NHS to death with a simit.” Continue reading
If Britain votes to leave the EU George Osborne will have no option but to eat your children in order to survive, the Chancellor has claimed in a statement today.
This drastic move would occur in tandem with massive tax rises and savage cuts to public services.
“Brexit would hit the economy so hard that I would have no option but to immediately increase the basic rate of income tax to one hundred percent, put VAT up to a million percent and cut public services to the point that your bins are only collected once every fifteen years.” Continue reading