“Gottle o’ geer, gottle o’ geer.”
Little Tom Cruise has been hurt, filming a jump between his wallet and his huge ego.
“It was always going to be tricky; the size of Tom’s ego varies according to the size of his wallet.” said producer Christopher McQuarrie, at a press briefing.
“In short, it was a massive stunt. Sorry? Yes, I agree. But what I actually said was ‘a massive stunt’.” Continue reading
Remind us, which one’s Dumber?
Boris Johnson has flown to America to star with Donald Trump in the new Dumb and Dumber movie, sources confirmed today.
The movie, titled Dumb and Dumber 4 – Trump and Trumper will tell the story of two unintelligent friends from who set out on a cross-country trip to return a briefcase full of stolen votes to their rightful owner, only to be pursued by a group of Russian hackers.
“The pair’s childish antics will have everyone in stitches, as we all marvel at how two adult human beings could be so relentlessly stupid,” said a spokesperson.
“Then they’ll start filming the movie.”
Piles of talent
Jennifer Lawrence’s embarrassing Hawaii ‘butt-scratching’ incident has finished with a happy ending after the actress received a five-digit approach from the makers of “Anusol” to be the new face of their rectal itching remedy.
A spokesperson for chemical giant Pfizer thanked Lawrence for raising awareness of this delicate condition, explaining that it is not uncommon for sufferers to face vilification, abuse or even backstabbing.
“We sufferers of anal discomfort do not choose when we need to scratch, and society frowns if we simply put our hand up and admit it.”
“Very often there is nothing else to hand but a sacred monument of some kind, and it’s a case of ‘needs must’.”
Filed under Movies, Religion
Exit stage left…
In what is already being called one of the biggest shocks of this year’s Oscars, actor Leonardo DiCaprio, fresh from finally winning ‘best actor’, has been tragically eaten by a bear as he returned home.
It is a cruel irony that DiCaprio should meet this fate immediately after ending his long wait for the award, especially as bear attacks are so rare in modern Los Angeles. It is possible that the actor might have disregarded recent police reminders not to step on the cracks in the pavement.
Some critics have pointed out that it is actually pretty amusing that this should happen after the beary subject matter of his recent movie, while others have merely suggested that the hungry bear was a film lover.
“It wasn’t even the one from the movie,” lamented DiCaprio’s manager. “That I could understand, but this was just some bear, you know?”
Following criticism of their decision to not include the female Rey character as one of the playable pieces in “Star Wars Monopoly”, the manufacturers have announced that the game will now come with Rey busily using the traditional “iron” piece.
“We recognise how bad it looked to leave out the main girl character,” admitted a spokesman from Hasbro, the makers of Monopoly. “We heard your criticisms, and we’ve moved swiftly to make things better, by introducing a new Rey piece, engaged in the womanly pursuit of ironing.”
“None of the other old pieces worked – we didn’t think she’d much fancy driving a car, let alone a ship, and the top hat was obviously out. But with the iron, we think we’ve found something that will both delight and be familiar to our girly customers everywhere.” Continue reading
These aren’t the brown paper packages tied up with string you’re looking for…
Movie-goers were left disgusted today after the long-awaited new Star Wars movie turned out to be, in fact, a musical.
This news story could go on to cleverly explain how this disaster could have come about, but we all know that what we’re really here for is the list of songs.
So (gulp) here we go, then:
“Send in the Clones”
“Han’s up, baby, Han’s up!”
“Don’t cry for me, Grand Moff Tarkin”
“Summer Jedi Knights”
“Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Golden Metal Slave Bikini!”
“Don’t Luke back in anger”
“Ewok Around the Clock”
“Yoda one that I want”
Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.
A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.
Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black. “He’s very popular. I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”
The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.
Lean and mean
Following the news that Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill were asked to lose weight to reprise their roles in the new Star Wars movie, evil space gangster Jabba the Hutt has claimed that he too was pressured to slim down.
“The producers called my agent,” Mr the Hutt revealed today, “And they explained that they were very keen to have my character return, but they’d kind of imagined a much thinner version.”
“Well, I wasn’t happy, but what am I going to do? It’s not like I’m going to let anyone else play Jabba, is it? They had me over a barrel.”
“I know aliens shouldn’t be judged by their size, but to be fair, I am an enormous flabby monster the size of a small planet.”
“3,500 pounds, I had to lose. They might as well have told me to get nicer, because that’s how tough it was.”
Jabba revealed that a strenuous programme of jogging and pilates eventually helped shed that disgusting alien flab, along with a strict diet. Continue reading
“Please, please let Harrison Ford be still cool”
Following the news that cinemas have banned a new advertisement for the Lord’s Prayer, Lucasfilm has has said it is “disappointed and bewildered” by the refusal of UK churches to screen the new Star Wars film.
Director J. J. Abrams called the decision “plain silly” and warned it could have a “chilling” effect on his pay check.
“In what is thankfully still a Star Wars-worshipping country, it seems perverse not to allow churchgoers to enjoy the movie during their spare time at the pew,” he insisted. “We’d turn the volume down a bit while the vicar was actually talking, so it wouldn’t get in the way at all.”
It had been hoped the film would be screened UK-wide in the middle of Christmas services, instead of the boring bit where they usually have kids holding candles and singing, but in a statement, the Church of England said it had a policy of not showing Star Wars movies in its places of worship.
“Not because of any risk of offending people,” a spokesperson explained, “It’s just that the last three were bollocks.”
Star Wars fans immediately condemned the decision, many pointing out that this year’s traditional all-night Easter Vigil at Westminster Abbey included a triple-header of all three Hobbit films, even though the last one was a bit crap.
Reports that this was because the Archbishop of Canterbury likes to take the robes home and play at being Gandalf could not be confirmed.
Filed under Movies, Religion
I didn’t like it at first, but it Gru on me.
Iain Duncan Smith has today launched the new national dress code for all public sector workers.
The fetching blue and yellow combo comes complete with sturdy safety goggles and is designed to ensure anyone with a menial job and no future prospects such as council road sweepers, traffic wardens, hospital porters, bin men, bus drivers and the like will no longer be mistaken for someone significant like, say, a middle manager, an accountant or a civil servant. Continue reading
In a shocking case of neglect, a young girl who had not heard of the movie ‘Frozen’ was taken into care by Dunstable Social Services.
Concern was first aroused when Ella Evans, 8, entered the St Marys school talent quest and sang a song that wasn’t ‘Let it go’. Then, during a cold snap, Ella expressed indifference after an invitation to build a snowman. The final straw came during school dress-up day when Ella wore a blue dress but insisted she was Marie Curie.
No more mister green guy
Following suggestions that the next Spider-Man should be played by a black actor, popular demand is growing for Marvel to break another tradition and finally allow the Hulk to be played by a non-green performer.
The Hulk has always been depicted as green in movies, the TV show and the original comics, but that may change in the new era of superhero correctness.
“Surely it’s time to bring the Hulk into the 21st century and admit that the colour of his skin is irrelevant,” insisted Albert Renfrew from the National Association for the Advancement of White People. “The Hulk is a great character, we love him, but we think he could just as well be a ‘person of white’.”
“Here in the NAAWP we have nothing against greens, but they are already hugely over-represented in the film industry. Just look at the Muppet movies.” Continue reading