Category Archives: Crime
Cardinal Pell, until very recently the third most important Catholic in the world, was found guilty of raping underage boys and has been sent to prison. Despite this, many important figures on the fringes of the Catholic community are refusing to criticise him, and in some cases are even refusing to believe that what he did was wrong.
Former Australian Prime Minister John Howard insisted that Pell is “a person of both high intelligence and exemplary character” and maintained that his conviction on child sexual abuse charges doesn’t “alter my opinion of the Cardinal”.
The fact that a former Prime Minister of Australia would insist that child rape is OK as long as it is done by a Catholic just shows how hopelessly radicalised many once respected figures have now become.
Gordon Renfield of Essex Road, Islington, an atheist who leans if anything towards the Jedi persuasion, said he couldn’t understand why Catholics refused to condemn people like Pell. “I know it might just be a few bad apples,” he explained today, “And no-one is saying that ALL Catholics are up to this sort of thing, but can anyone tell me why they can’t just stand up and say that people like this are evil?”
“I’m not denominationalist, but it does rather make me tar them all with the same brush, I’m afraid to say.”
The Pope, meanwhile, refused to comment on Pell’s conviction until an appeal is heard. Just to play that back – the leader of the Catholic church is giving his deputy the benefit of the doubt after a conviction for child molestation.
“I tell you,” insisted Renfield, “I swear they’re all as bad as each other.”
“I was sitting at my desk with my fingers in my ears and my eyes shut as usual, when I had an epiphany” said the Home Secretary today. “Like when I decided to have rich parents, it was a no-brainer. With no link between police numbers and crime it didn’t make sense for me to have armed officers ‘protecting me’ 24/7, so I asked Cressida Dick to move them to other duties. The Downing Street coppers are going next week and traffic police by the end of June.”
Rudd has a no-nonsense approach to work, born out of her down-with-the-kids schooling at Cheltenham Ladies’ College. Although she went on to read History at University, Rudd believes learning from the experience of others is futile. “No, I much prefer to learn from my own foolish Continue reading
“I’m much too old for football” said OJ Simpson today “and with no more Naked Gun movies planned, I’m going back to something I’m really good at – killing folks.”
The terms of Simpson’s parole mean he has to find gainful employment, so the former sportsman and actor plans to resume taking other people’s lives.
“Obviously I can’t do more armed robberies, that’s why was in the slammer in the first place” said the actor twice nominated for the most wooden delivery “but I’ve never been convicted of murder so that’s not off-limits.”
Simpson says the big adjustment for him now will be killing for money, rather than revenge, but others disagree with that assessment.
“I’ve seen his film work” said Harold’s own former Bond girl, Emilie Bourdain. “It may seem astonishing but he got paid for that shit and he’s certainly murdered a few scripts in his time.”
As tagging scheme proves as useless as him, Chris Grayling “still certain” he must have done something right at MoJ
The f%cknugget against whom every other f%cknugget is measured, the gold standard f%cknugget Chris Grayling, is sure he did something right as Justice Minister.
“To give you a clue about his competence,” said a weary MoJ insider “when Michael Gove took over here and reversed many of Chris’ decisions, he seemed like Continue reading
Pinning hopes for Lib Dem election success on the decriminalisation of marijuana may be flawed logic says a village stoner.
“Most of the time we’re too stoned to remember to put things in our diaries,” said the smoker. “Anyway, politicians are power-crazed liars, who’ll tell you anything.”
The dope smoking community is also wary that someone is trying to pull a fast one on them.
“So, they want us to register to vote for this? So is that like your name and address and stuff? Yeah, thought so, and the next thing you know is someone’s knocking on your door init. Get lost.”
Nick Clegg meanwhile has been explaining more details of the marijuana policy. Continue reading
The Met have questioned this month’s Ukip leader Paul Nuttall, after he issued threats to “hold the goverment’s feet to the fire”, during the official launch of Ukip’s election campaign.
“If enough people are stupid enough to vote for him” said Met Commissioner Cressida Dick “Mr Nuttall threatened some form of physical violence. Taking hold of another person’s feet without consent Continue reading
Residents awoke to a straight-faced article on the business pages of our off-line version that explained how Mexican regulators had given the go ahead for the Industrial and Commercial Bank of China (ICBC) to take a ‘significant’ share of the local operations of Grupo Financiero Banorte, S.A.B. de C.V., (Banorte), one of the big four Mexican commercial banks.
But the joke was on them, because nothing of the sort had happened, and it appears many readers believed the story, answering “yes” when asked if they believed the story.
Tonight’s Panorama is set to shock as undercover footage of drug use and lack of control is rampant just 8 weeks after the death of “Mr Big” Grouty.
Standards took a dip in the late 1980’s when hardline warder Mr MacKay was moved to take control of the offshore category A Fraggle Rock following the escape of Sean Connery. However order was soon regained as power swung to Grouty, controlling affairs with old school bribery and unspeakable violence. Continue reading
Police say Amber Rudd’s nasty 2016 conference speech is not being treated as a crime because, “Duh. Hello? Because she’s our boss, stupid”.
“No, we’ve recorded it as a hate incident instead” said a West Midlands Police spokesperson “which means no crime investigation, and no interview under caution for our guvnor. Anything else we can help you with? Must go now as I’ve got an appointment with the Home Office to discuss Police pay and conditions.” Continue reading
Liz Truss is waiting to see if a 27% increase in prisoner self-harm can be translated into actual deaths, before starting on reforms planned by her hapless, pasty-faced predescessor, Michael Gove.
“Signs are encouraging but one swallow of bleach doesn’t make a summer.” Continue reading
Justice Minister Liz Truss says ex-soldiers working as prison officers will not only keep their guns but also be exempted from petty European Convention on Human Rights responsibilties, such as the right to life.
“Who better to instil the virtues of discipline?” asks Truss “Who better to show what you can achieve in life with courage, integrity, and an L85A2 assault rifle?” Continue reading
In a move that has been criticised as taking commercialism too far, organisers of the Olympics have unveiled the official Rio 2016 gang of muggers, who will ruthlessly prey on sports fans visiting the city, but will only take items produced by the Games’ leading sponsors.
The small army of Games Takers, recognisable by their official uniforms, will enhance the Rio 2016 brand by moving discretely through the back streets surrounding the main stadiums, viciously snatching any products which visitors may be carrying, should they be from Visa, Samsung, Omega, or slightly less plausibly, Bridgestone Tyres.
“I was walking along, slightly lost, unwittingly flaunting the whole gamut of products from Proctor & Gamble,” explained one victim. “Pringles, Bounty, Vicks, you name it. They took everything. It feels so authentic! Unfortunately I now have two broken legs, and Samsung don’t do plaster casts.”
Media attention was diverted away from the Mossack Fonseca revelations today, following a leak of information from the UK Treasury Office which appears to implicate a former Labour Chancellor in what George Osborne described as the ‘biggest financial scam ever’.
“Gordon Brown siphoned off millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money into a secret tax haven known only by its codename,” said a communiqué issued by the Treasury. “They called it The Public Purse.”
According to eye witnesses in Palo Alto, the incident started when a middle-aged cyclist with an enormous sense of entitlement jumped the traffic lights causing the Google self-driving car to slam on its brakes to avoid a collision. The cyclist then laughed, gave the Google car the finger, and sped off. But it is what happened next that made observers realise driverless cars really were here to stay.
South Yorkshire Police have explained that they were far to busy lying about their responsibility for Hillsborough, to be much concerned about children being raped in Rotheram.
“Hindsight’s a wonderful thing for you media types.” said a South Yorkshire Police spokesweasel “But back then, lots of colleagues still had pensions riding on our blaming victims of Hillsborough Continue reading
An array of prisoner rehabilitation schemes, that won’t actually happen, has been announced by David Cameron. These won’t begin later this year, in several poorly managed pilots.
“Evidence shows that carefully planned, targeted initiatives can reduce reoffending.” said the PM “Putting them into practice costs money though, so we’re just going to talk about them instead for publicity, which costs us nothing … this is my best side, thanks.”
“Think of this as the criminal justice system’s Northern Powerhouse or Troubled Families Programme; it will get lots of attention but won’t really exist. Continue reading
A notorious gang of elderly fare dodgers have reformed to commit a major fraud on the London transport system by catching the 9.27am Surbiton to Waterloo train without paying the before 9.30am supplement.
The fare dodgers range in age from 61 to 76, and have been responsible for a number of the UK’s biggest public transport frauds.
Ringleader Charlie ‘the Spreadsheet’ Yates, a 76 year old retired accountant from Basingstoke, learnt the fare evasion trade from father Big Mikey Yates and soon mastered the art of getting off at the last unmanned station before a major terminus and walking the rest of the way. As he got older and less able to walk the big distances, Yates pioneered the Clapham Junction ‘switch’ over the 1980s which enabled him to travel 80 miles with only a zone 2 Travelcard.
The peer had been accused of 22 historic sex offences against boys, with the allegations spanning 4 decades. After a prolonged legal process, Lord Janner was this month ruled unfit to stand trial to sighs of relief from the Crown Prosecution Service and the Establishment in general.
With only 3 days of December gone, violent episodes in offices and shops across the village have begun to soar as Christmas CD repeat plays hit intolerable levels.
Emergency services have reported a jump in the number of stapler based injuries and Dunstable hospital is calling for more blood donors following a spate of viscious paper cuts. Continue reading
Cuts to officer numbers will severely affect the ability of undercover police to have illegal affairs with women they have befriended, senior police chiefs have told the home secretary.
“It is the worst possible timing to be cutting police numbers now, in the current climate when so many officers fancy a quick one with members of the public who do not know they are actually police,” the letter insists.
“Especially with all the other stuff going on at the moment, our officers are going to have to choose between illicit nookie and protecting the public from bad people,” it continues.
“The obvious result is that the terrorists will win.”