Category Archives: breaking news

Paul Nuttall yet to confirm where he’ll be losing in the election

Moan, moan, moan, moan. Moan, moan, moan, moan.

Although Paul Nuttall will stand in the general election, he hasn’t chosen which unlucky people will have to endure weeks of his irritating, whining fantasy, before formally telling him to sling his hook in the early hours of 9th June.

Nuttall could stand in his home town of Bootle, where he practised losing in 2005 and 2010. Oh, and 2015. Bootle is not a million miles from Anfield however, so being the ‘local boy made good racist’ might be offset by having played the popular politicians’ sport of Hillsborough bandwagon jumping rather too enthusiastically.

The Ukip leader told LBC radio “I might stand in Xenophobia, that’s in Essex isn’t it? Wherever I choose, as the leader of the party I will be, obviously, leading the party into battle, as I did with 2 Para at Goose Green”. “I don’t really like to talk about it.” he added.

Comments Off on Paul Nuttall yet to confirm where he’ll be losing in the election

Filed under breaking news, News, Politics

BBC’s Panorama shows Prison Chaos following death of Grouty

Grouty discusses aspects of the ‘Prison Works’ philosophy

Tonight’s Panorama is set to shock as undercover footage of drug use and lack of control is rampant just 8 weeks after the death of “Mr Big” Grouty.

Standards took a dip in the late 1980’s when hardline warder Mr MacKay was moved to take control of the offshore category A Fraggle Rock following the escape of Sean Connery. However order was soon regained as power swung to Grouty, controlling affairs with old school bribery and unspeakable violence. Continue reading

Comments Off on BBC’s Panorama shows Prison Chaos following death of Grouty

Filed under breaking news, Crime, News, Politics

Jacob Rees-Mogg now an expert on everything, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Jacob about to critique the pointing on this Cotswold stone wall

Condescending prick, Jacob Rees-Mogg, probably spoiled yesterday, for you as well as for us, by oiling his way round TV and Radio studios, instead of actually doing the job we pay him for.

As an MP, Rees-Mogg has no set hours or duties so, instead of working on some constituency business, he feels entitled to swan around news and current affairs studios from dawn to dusk.

Early risers heard him on Radio 4’s ‘Today’, whilst it was still dark, both outside your house and inside Rees- Mogg’s heart, and he was still Continue reading

Comments Off on Jacob Rees-Mogg now an expert on everything, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Filed under breaking news, News, USA

Autumn Statement build-up “ruined” by reporter standing outside No.10 Downing Street

giles-dilnot

Dilnot, ruining everything for the nation. It’s number 11, you idiot!

The TV news build-up to the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement was ruined for many today, when a BBC reporter stood outside Number 10 Downing St. in error.

Alec Fairchild, a man who usually gets his political insight from the Mail and Sky News, tuned into BBC today, by mistake, and was completely thrown by finding himself staring at Theresa May’s front door.

“Typical bloody lefty BBC, all that public money and they still can’t get it right,” fumed Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “this is exactly why I don’t pay the licence fee.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Autumn Statement build-up “ruined” by reporter standing outside No.10 Downing Street

Filed under breaking news, Economy, News, Politics

Killer clown arrested after getaway car falls to pieces

clown-scary-uk-311857

Remember they’re more scared of you than you are of them. Just trap them using a glass and a piece of cardboard and release them in the garden

A man dressed as a “killer clown” has been arrested by police after a brief chase that ended when his getaway car fell to pieces.

Officers were called to reports of the man terrorising children in Luton and gave chase, initially on foot, before the “clown” climbed into a small car, sounded a novelty horn, and sped away.

“We were going to get back in our car and continue the pursuit but heard a loud bang come from the getaway car.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Killer clown arrested after getaway car falls to pieces

Filed under breaking news, Culture, News

Mistrial called in Titchener case after jury members found to be Archers fans

archers2

In happier times, before a ratings boost became necessary

The Judge in the Helen Titchener trial has suspended proceedings after finding that some of the jury had been following the events leading up to the trial by listening to their lives on “Radio 4” and could not be expected to give an unbiased verdict based solely on the evidence presented in court.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Mistrial called in Titchener case after jury members found to be Archers fans

Filed under breaking news, Media, News

“UKIP asks ‘should we all be racists now?'”

Leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) Nigel Farage poses during a media launch for an EU referendum poster in London, Britain June 16, 2016. REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth

Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it

UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.

In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.

“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”

“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading

Comments Off on “UKIP asks ‘should we all be racists now?'”

Filed under breaking news, Brexit, News, referendum

Gove disputes John Barnes’ assertion that he’s voting Remain

Trust me, why would I lie to you?

Michael Gove insists John Barnes will vote Leave tomorrow, despite the former England footballer clearly stating the opposite.

“The country’s had enough of so-called experts” droned the pasty cabbage-patch doll lookalike “John Barnes has set himself up as ‘an expert’ on John Barnes but has he got a hidden agenda? Continue reading

Comments Off on Gove disputes John Barnes’ assertion that he’s voting Remain

Filed under breaking news, News, Politics, referendum

Public now nostalgic for when the news, social media was all celebrity deaths

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

The dreadful sequence of deaths of much-loved musicians, comedians and actors that saw in the year now looks like a golden age of feel-good news against the nightly horror show the public suffer now, says everyone.

As sad as it was to lose Bowie, Rickman, Wogan and Wood, there was a sense of gladness for having known them and their work which is completely absent from the current onslaught of unadulterated misery.

And as a bewildering bonfire of hatred and rage threatens to engulf their Facebook timelines, people are longing for a return to the simple times when all they had to do was tweet about how sad they are that a singer has died.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Public now nostalgic for when the news, social media was all celebrity deaths

Filed under 29/9 attrocities, breaking news, Entertainment, EU referendum, Europe, Facebook, Law and Order, News, Nostalgia, Obituary, Showbusiness, Social media, Society, USA

Jenson tells shocked David Coulthard to ‘piss off’ on live TV

jenson-coulthard

Button and Coulthard in happier times

Jenson Button lost his cool on the grid of the Spanish GP today, after being asked the same questions for the 300th time.

“For f*cks sake, David! I’ll drive as fast as I can until the tyres wear out, then I’ll come in for a new set”.

“After that I’ll go back out and do the same thing all over again.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Jenson tells shocked David Coulthard to ‘piss off’ on live TV

Filed under breaking news, News, Sport, TV

Guitar George dies of old age

Coming up for auction - old, left-handed guitar. Proceeds to hospice funds.

Coming up for auction – old, left-handed guitar. Proceeds to hospice funds.

As if the deaths of Bowie, Prince and Frank Sinatra Jnr weren’t enough, now Sultans of Swing rhythm guitarist George has checked out.  He was 100 years old and had a reputation for his comprehensive knowledge of guitar chords, or tabs as they are known today.

Shortly before he died, he asked that he be given a quiet funeral.  “I do not want to make anybody cry or sing,” he said; “it’s strictly rhythm, so if you must clap, please do so in 6/8 time with occasional syncopated emphasis on the offbeat.”

The care home staff were consoled that that he died doing what he loved, with his heart-rate monitor displaying a steady beat right up to the moment of death. Continue reading

Comments Off on Guitar George dies of old age

Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Entertainment, Showbusiness

Elton John recording an album of Barbra Streisand covers

Elton-JohnPublicity-shy singer Elton John is to release an album of Barbra Streisand songs, entitled The Streisand Effect, it was revealed today.

Unusually for a major artist’s release, the album will be launched with no advertising whatever, on a date that is being kept a secret, and only sold in a handful of boutique ironmongers.

The album is not actually being released in England, although it will be freely available in Scotland and everywhere else.

“We realise that this low-key approach to publicity might mean that not all fans get to appreciate Elton’s latest offering,” admitted an anonymous spokesperson, “But sometimes big stars prefer to stay out of the limelight.”

“Not that there’s anything to hide. Why would there be anything to hide?”

“In fact, you’re not allowed to say that there’s nothing to hide. Enjoy the album though!”

“Not that there’s an album. We deny that completely.”

“We’re a perfectly happily married couple, and would have no need to release an album.”

“Ooh, what a give away.”

1 Comment

Filed under breaking news, Families, Sex, Showbusiness

It’s Back to Basics as Tories launch good old fashioned sex scandal

C Keeler

He said he didn’t know she was a sex worker. Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?

The general public has welcomed news of a Tory sex scandal.

“Tax avoidance isn’t the easiest subject for people to get their heads around,” said villager Pippa Delaney, “but a good old fashioned romp in a gimp mask is something we can all definitely relate to.”

When Culture Minister John Whittingdale discovered he had done some sex work unwittingly with a sex worker, he immediately declared it in his personal ‘Register of My Member’s Interests’, or diary.

“Even though we were having sex,” he explained, “I did not know it at the time.  I thought she was another member of the Culture Committee.  Other times she was a plumber.  It depended which game we were playing.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on It’s Back to Basics as Tories launch good old fashioned sex scandal

Filed under breaking news, Culture, Dating, Politics, Sex, Tory sex scandal

Late Tax Return fine elevates Corbyn to Total Hero status

Hero.

Just an ordinary taxpayer.

Millions of people were celebrating last night after hearing the news that Jeremy Corbyn was fined £100 for a late Tax Return.

“Unlike Cameron, Corbyn only had one box to fill in,” said a tax expert, “but he despises all aspects of capitalism and fascist tax collectors in particular and basically couldn’t give a monkey’s nuts about their deadlines.  The man is Legend.”

“He had from early April until the end of the following January to submit his Tax Return,” explained local accountant Geoffrey King. “It’s a remarkable level of procrastination, normally only achievable by ordinary, hard-working people.  No wonder his popularity is on the increase.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Late Tax Return fine elevates Corbyn to Total Hero status

Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Facebook, Labour, News, Politics, Social media

Embarrassment for Cameron as his friends find out he’s not so wealthy after all

Bankrupt, both financially and morally.

Bankrupt, both financially and morally.

In a tearful interview with ITN’s Robert Peston, David Cameron has been forced to disclose that he’s not the fabulously wealthy millionaire many of his inner circle believed.

“I feel conned,” said one city banker.  “He’s not getting invited round my mansion again.”

Cameron spoke at length about how he was often on the verge of bankruptcy, how the mortgage company lay in wait, ready to repossess his home and sell it cheap at auction to a builder; and how he was forced to sneak down the food banks late at night disguised as a heroin addict and buy his suits from Oxfam.

“Samantha gives me earache every time I go overdrawn,” he said.

This is the first time Cameron has come clean about his true state of poverty.  And properly wealthy members of his inner circle are already beginning to distance themselves from him for his hypocrisy.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Embarrassment for Cameron as his friends find out he’s not so wealthy after all

Filed under breaking news, Father's Day, Media, News, Politics, Society

Gordon Brown ‘siphoned off millions into tax haven,’ say Tories

browningarden

“Incredibly, he even boasted about it,” says George Osborne

Media attention was diverted away from the Mossack Fonseca revelations today, following a leak of information from the UK Treasury Office which appears to implicate a former Labour Chancellor in what George Osborne described as the ‘biggest financial scam ever’.

“Gordon Brown siphoned off millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money into a secret tax haven known only by its codename,” said a communiqué issued by the Treasury. “They called it The Public Purse.”

Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Crime, Economy, Labour, Media, Politics, Tony Blair

Andy Murray loses birth of daughter to Novak Djokovic

nonak&kim

Unhappy times past, when Andy lost his wedding to Djokovic

Andy Murray has apologised for letting down his fans again, after unexpectedly losing the birth of his daughter to Novak Djokovic.

Although this was the first time Murray had made it through to the final round of a pregnancy, he was relaxed and happy before the event.

“I’d played well in the pre-natal classes” said the Scot. Continue reading

Comments Off on Andy Murray loses birth of daughter to Novak Djokovic

Filed under breaking news, News, Sport

Cameron: “It’s a piece of paper in our time!”

cameron_paper

Unfortunately my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice

A jubilant David Cameron waved a hard-fought for contract in the air yesterday proclaiming “It’s a piece of paper, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!”

The PM used a visit to UK-based but German-owned firm as a metaphor for the new EU relationship he has hammered out.

“Unfortunately, my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice but I can remember it almost word for word, Continue reading

Comments Off on Cameron: “It’s a piece of paper in our time!”

Filed under breaking news, Europe, News, Politics

Outrage as Corbyn sacks man no one’s heard of from job that wasn’t real

Dugher

We asked his family and they don’t know who he is either

The centre-right of the Labour party is up in arms, after Jeremy Corbyn sacked Michael … whatsisname, err Dugher.

Their feeling is that a strong Blairite is needed to pretend to do a job that’s already being done by someone else.

Dugher was previously not in charge of transport. Before that he was not in charge of anything at all, as shadow minister without portfolio.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Outrage as Corbyn sacks man no one’s heard of from job that wasn’t real

Filed under breaking news, News, Politics

Raft of exciting new features promised for Laws of Physics II

Happy New Year

Happy New Year

The long-awaited sequel to The Laws of Physics may be just around the corner – or, more accurately, the bend – say excited scientists at the Large Hadron Collider.

Following a massive upgrade of the CERN facility in 2015, Prof. Brian Cox has been speaking to Harold sustainable energy enthusiast Dr John Goody about the next generation of physics and the role of minuscule particles.

“There was a time when the Higgs was the smallest thing imaginable,” Prof. Cox told him, “but after a few more collisions, it turns out to be a relative galaxy compared with the teeny-weeny fragments we’ve now smashed it into. You know, some of these particles are almost as small as the level of funding British scientists get from the government.”

“The thing with these bits is that they’re so very tiny, they slip through the enforcement net of Standard Model Laws. But fortunately they are not the anarchists we originally thought but operate instead according to their own set of rather bizarre rules.”

Once classified as Mischievous Little Rogue Particles with a Rebellious Nature, it is now thought that they operate according to the Law of Utter Unpredictability, the so-called ‘British Weather Law’.

There is however a ‘dark’ side to the new physics.

“Some of these particles are pretty fundamental,” said Cox, “and we all know that any sort of fundamentalism can be a dangerous thing. Only last week we caught a bunch of naughty little quarks trying to set up an Independent State inside the vacuum left by a retreating photon. The more hawkish scientists were all for blasting them to smithereens, until someone pointed out that that was how they were created. In the end, we found that if we looked the other way and thought out about daisies and kittens, they simply ceased to exist.”

Dr Goody asked Prof. Cox whether electric cars will ever get off the ground.

“No,” said Cox, “but we can expect to see innovative products which will help us in our everyday lives, like this new kettle, for instance, which boils as soon as you start watching it. Ah, tea?”

Comments Off on Raft of exciting new features promised for Laws of Physics II

Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Intergalactic News, Law and Order, science, Space