“Watch out for that massive tub of beer, Michael!”
Michael Gove is said to be “serious but stable” in hospital, after being dusted with salt in a pub garden accident.
“A customer was adding salt to their chips, when the lid of the salt cellar suddenly came off and a cloud of salt flew across the table.” explained Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms in Harold.
“No one else was affected but with Mr Gove it was really weird. His body became really shiny, then he began to froth at the mouth Continue reading
Duncan Smith, before causing real misery was somehow “a bad thing”
Iain Duncan Smith has reacted with fury to the High Court ruling that his benefit cap causes ‘real misery for no good purpose’. “Real misery is the whole purpose of the cap!” cried the Dr Mengele of modern Conservatism, the man who said he could live on £53 a week then, without irony, billed us lot for a £39 breakfast.
“That’s the trouble with Judges, they don’t live in the real world. They may not even read the Daily Mai Continue reading
Ronaldo gives instructions to his accountants
After announcing that Jose Mourinho and Cristiano Ronaldo are being investigated for tax fraud, embarrassed Spanish officials have admitted that nobody in the country has actually paid any tax since 2010.
“We thought that we were a bit light on cash lately and when we dug into it we discovered that is because we haven’t collected any taxes at all in seven years, so we are now setting about rectifying this.” said a prosecutor, who reckons he hasn’t paid any tax himself since at least 2008 now he comes to think about it.
“It is an easy mistake to make. For example Continue reading
Moan, moan, moan, moan. Moan, moan, moan, moan.
Although Paul Nuttall will stand in the general election, he hasn’t chosen which unlucky people will have to endure weeks of his irritating, whining fantasy, before formally telling him to sling his hook in the early hours of 9th June.
Nuttall could stand in his home town of Bootle, where he practised losing in 2005 and 2010. Oh, and 2015. Bootle is not a million miles from Anfield however, so being the ‘local boy made good racist’ might be offset by having played the popular politicians’ sport of Hillsborough bandwagon jumping rather too enthusiastically.
The Ukip leader told LBC radio “I might stand in Xenophobia, that’s in Essex isn’t it? Wherever I choose, as the leader of the party I will be, obviously, leading the party into battle, as I did with 2 Para at Goose Green”. “I don’t really like to talk about it.” he added.
Grouty discusses aspects of the ‘Prison Works’ philosophy
Tonight’s Panorama is set to shock as undercover footage of drug use and lack of control is rampant just 8 weeks after the death of “Mr Big” Grouty.
Standards took a dip in the late 1980’s when hardline warder Mr MacKay was moved to take control of the offshore category A Fraggle Rock following the escape of Sean Connery. However order was soon regained as power swung to Grouty, controlling affairs with old school bribery and unspeakable violence. Continue reading
Jacob about to critique the pointing on this Cotswold stone wall
Condescending prick, Jacob Rees-Mogg, probably spoiled yesterday, for you as well as for us, by oiling his way round TV and Radio studios, instead of actually doing the job we pay him for.
As an MP, Rees-Mogg has no set hours or duties so, instead of working on some constituency business, he feels entitled to swan around news and current affairs studios from dawn to dusk.
Early risers heard him on Radio 4’s ‘Today’, whilst it was still dark, both outside your house and inside Rees- Mogg’s heart, and he was still Continue reading
Dilnot, ruining everything for the nation. It’s number 11, you idiot!
The TV news build-up to the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement was ruined for many today, when a BBC reporter stood outside Number 10 Downing St. in error.
Alec Fairchild, a man who usually gets his political insight from the Mail and Sky News, tuned into BBC today, by mistake, and was completely thrown by finding himself staring at Theresa May’s front door.
“Typical bloody lefty BBC, all that public money and they still can’t get it right,” fumed Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “this is exactly why I don’t pay the licence fee.” Continue reading
Remember they’re more scared of you than you are of them. Just trap them using a glass and a piece of cardboard and release them in the garden
A man dressed as a “killer clown” has been arrested by police after a brief chase that ended when his getaway car fell to pieces.
Officers were called to reports of the man terrorising children in Luton and gave chase, initially on foot, before the “clown” climbed into a small car, sounded a novelty horn, and sped away.
“We were going to get back in our car and continue the pursuit but heard a loud bang come from the getaway car.” Continue reading
In happier times, before a ratings boost became necessary
The Judge in the Helen Titchener trial has suspended proceedings after finding that some of the jury had been following the events leading up to the trial by listening to their lives on “Radio 4” and could not be expected to give an unbiased verdict based solely on the evidence presented in court.
Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it
UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.
In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.
“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”
“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading
Trust me, why would I lie to you?
Michael Gove insists John Barnes will vote Leave tomorrow, despite the former England footballer clearly stating the opposite.
“The country’s had enough of so-called experts” droned the pasty cabbage-patch doll lookalike “John Barnes has set himself up as ‘an expert’ on John Barnes but has he got a hidden agenda? Continue reading
Coming up for auction – old, left-handed guitar. Proceeds to hospice funds.
As if the deaths of Bowie, Prince and Frank Sinatra Jnr weren’t enough, now Sultans of Swing rhythm guitarist George has checked out. He was 100 years old and had a reputation for his comprehensive knowledge of guitar chords, or tabs as they are known today.
Shortly before he died, he asked that he be given a quiet funeral. “I do not want to make anybody cry or sing,” he said; “it’s strictly rhythm, so if you must clap, please do so in 6/8 time with occasional syncopated emphasis on the offbeat.”
The care home staff were consoled that that he died doing what he loved, with his heart-rate monitor displaying a steady beat right up to the moment of death. Continue reading
Publicity-shy singer Elton John is to release an album of Barbra Streisand songs, entitled The Streisand Effect, it was revealed today.
Unusually for a major artist’s release, the album will be launched with no advertising whatever, on a date that is being kept a secret, and only sold in a handful of boutique ironmongers.
The album is not actually being released in England, although it will be freely available in Scotland and everywhere else.
“We realise that this low-key approach to publicity might mean that not all fans get to appreciate Elton’s latest offering,” admitted an anonymous spokesperson, “But sometimes big stars prefer to stay out of the limelight.”
“Not that there’s anything to hide. Why would there be anything to hide?”
“In fact, you’re not allowed to say that there’s nothing to hide. Enjoy the album though!”
“Not that there’s an album. We deny that completely.”
“We’re a perfectly happily married couple, and would have no need to release an album.”
“Ooh, what a give away.”
He said he didn’t know she was a sex worker. Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?
The general public has welcomed news of a Tory sex scandal.
“Tax avoidance isn’t the easiest subject for people to get their heads around,” said villager Pippa Delaney, “but a good old fashioned romp in a gimp mask is something we can all definitely relate to.”
When Culture Minister John Whittingdale discovered he had done some sex work unwittingly with a sex worker, he immediately declared it in his personal ‘Register of My Member’s Interests’, or diary.
“Even though we were having sex,” he explained, “I did not know it at the time. I thought she was another member of the Culture Committee. Other times she was a plumber. It depended which game we were playing.”
Bankrupt, both financially and morally.
In a tearful interview with ITN’s Robert Peston, David Cameron has been forced to disclose that he’s not the fabulously wealthy millionaire many of his inner circle believed.
“I feel conned,” said one city banker. “He’s not getting invited round my mansion again.”
Cameron spoke at length about how he was often on the verge of bankruptcy, how the mortgage company lay in wait, ready to repossess his home and sell it cheap at auction to a builder; and how he was forced to sneak down the food banks late at night disguised as a heroin addict and buy his suits from Oxfam.
“Samantha gives me earache every time I go overdrawn,” he said.
This is the first time Cameron has come clean about his true state of poverty. And properly wealthy members of his inner circle are already beginning to distance themselves from him for his hypocrisy.
“Incredibly, he even boasted about it,” says George Osborne
Media attention was diverted away from the Mossack Fonseca revelations today, following a leak of information from the UK Treasury Office which appears to implicate a former Labour Chancellor in what George Osborne described as the ‘biggest financial scam ever’.
“Gordon Brown siphoned off millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money into a secret tax haven known only by its codename,” said a communiqué issued by the Treasury. “They called it The Public Purse.”
Unhappy times past, when Andy lost his wedding to Djokovic
Andy Murray has apologised for letting down his fans again, after unexpectedly losing the birth of his daughter to Novak Djokovic.
Although this was the first time Murray had made it through to the final round of a pregnancy, he was relaxed and happy before the event.
“I’d played well in the pre-natal classes” said the Scot. Continue reading