Category Archives: breaking news

Explorer begs wife’s forgiveness for being rescued by the Daily Mail

Grrrrr ……

Explorer Benedict Allen has said sorry to his wife for the indignity of being rescued in Papua New Guinea by the Daily Mail.

Appalling hate-mongers at the Daily Mail had hired a helicopter to cash-in on the disappearance of Benedict Allen, hoping that it’s appalling editor Paul Dacre might yet sneak into the New Year’s Honours list.

On learning that he was being rescued by the Daily Mail, Mr Allen (57), exclaimed: ‘I can’t believe it. Hell’s bells, the f-cking Mail? F-ck off!’ Continue reading

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Tillerson challenges Trump to game of Ker Plunk

It’s the ‘merican way

In the latest war of who is the cleverest in the White House, Rex Tillerson today publically challenged Donald Trump to a televised live game of Ker Plunk, with the winner being crowned “Bestest man at everything in the world ever ever for infinity time”.

Trump has historically been the one to tweet playground challenges to rivals, having issued an IQ test challenge to Tillerson yesterday there followed a huge media panic until it was cleared up that the tweet directed at Kim Jong-Un Continue reading

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After Rio Ferdinand, clamour grows for Michael Gove to take up boxing

Come on, we’d all pay to see that

As yet another celebrity turns to pugilism after retirement, a movement is growing for Michael Gove to take up the noble art.

“Thousands would pay to watch Michael Gove punched around a boxing ring.” said George Tredinnick a homeopath from Harold “In fact, there’s thousands who’d pay to do the punching. I know I would. And I’m a pacifist.”

With the online game ‘Slap Michael Gove’ being a runaway success, Continue reading

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Caribbean braced for more shit flying through the air as Boris plans to jet in

Another day, another flying stunt

With Boris Johnson due to visit later this week, Caribbean people are facing their sternest test to date.

Battered and bruised almost beyond recognition yet somehow still the Foreign Secretary, Johnson hopes UK foreign aid money might help restore his reputation to its Continue reading

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Michael Gove rushed into A&E after being accidentally sprinkled with salt

“Watch out for that massive tub of beer, Michael!”

Michael Gove is said to be “serious but stable” in hospital, after being dusted with salt in a pub garden accident.

“A customer was adding salt to their chips, when the lid of the salt cellar suddenly came off and a cloud of salt flew across the table.” explained Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms in Harold.

“No one else was affected but with Mr Gove it was really weird. His body became really shiny, then he began to froth at the mouth Continue reading

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Exasperated IDS: “causing real misery is why I created the benefit cap!”

Duncan Smith, before causing real misery was somehow “a bad thing”

Iain Duncan Smith has reacted with fury to the High Court ruling that his benefit cap causes ‘real misery for no good purpose’. “Real misery is the whole purpose of the cap!” cried the Dr Mengele of modern Conservatism, the man who said he could live on £53 a week then, without irony, billed us lot for a £39 breakfast.

“That’s the trouble with Judges, they don’t live in the real world. They may not even read the Daily Mai Continue reading

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Nobody in Spain paying any tax

Ronaldo gives instructions to his accountants

After announcing that Jose Mourinho and Cristiano Ronaldo are being investigated for tax fraud, embarrassed Spanish officials have admitted that nobody in the country has actually paid any tax since 2010.

“We thought that we were a bit light on cash lately and when we dug into it we discovered that is because we haven’t collected any taxes at all in seven years, so we are now setting about rectifying this.” said a prosecutor, who reckons he hasn’t paid any tax himself since at least 2008 now he comes to think about it.

“It is an easy mistake to make. For example Continue reading

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Paul Nuttall yet to confirm where he’ll be losing in the election

Moan, moan, moan, moan. Moan, moan, moan, moan.

Although Paul Nuttall will stand in the general election, he hasn’t chosen which unlucky people will have to endure weeks of his irritating, whining fantasy, before formally telling him to sling his hook in the early hours of 9th June.

Nuttall could stand in his home town of Bootle, where he practised losing in 2005 and 2010. Oh, and 2015. Bootle is not a million miles from Anfield however, so being the ‘local boy made good racist’ might be offset by having played the popular politicians’ sport of Hillsborough bandwagon jumping rather too enthusiastically.

The Ukip leader told LBC radio “I might stand in Xenophobia, that’s in Essex isn’t it? Wherever I choose, as the leader of the party I will be, obviously, leading the party into battle, as I did with 2 Para at Goose Green”. “I don’t really like to talk about it.” he added.

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BBC’s Panorama shows Prison Chaos following death of Grouty

Grouty discusses aspects of the ‘Prison Works’ philosophy

Tonight’s Panorama is set to shock as undercover footage of drug use and lack of control is rampant just 8 weeks after the death of “Mr Big” Grouty.

Standards took a dip in the late 1980’s when hardline warder Mr MacKay was moved to take control of the offshore category A Fraggle Rock following the escape of Sean Connery. However order was soon regained as power swung to Grouty, controlling affairs with old school bribery and unspeakable violence. Continue reading

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Jacob Rees-Mogg now an expert on everything, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Jacob about to critique the pointing on this Cotswold stone wall

Condescending prick, Jacob Rees-Mogg, probably spoiled yesterday, for you as well as for us, by oiling his way round TV and Radio studios, instead of actually doing the job we pay him for.

As an MP, Rees-Mogg has no set hours or duties so, instead of working on some constituency business, he feels entitled to swan around news and current affairs studios from dawn to dusk.

Early risers heard him on Radio 4’s ‘Today’, whilst it was still dark, both outside your house and inside Rees- Mogg’s heart, and he was still Continue reading

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Autumn Statement build-up “ruined” by reporter standing outside No.10 Downing Street

giles-dilnot

Dilnot, ruining everything for the nation. It’s number 11, you idiot!

The TV news build-up to the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement was ruined for many today, when a BBC reporter stood outside Number 10 Downing St. in error.

Alec Fairchild, a man who usually gets his political insight from the Mail and Sky News, tuned into BBC today, by mistake, and was completely thrown by finding himself staring at Theresa May’s front door.

“Typical bloody lefty BBC, all that public money and they still can’t get it right,” fumed Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “this is exactly why I don’t pay the licence fee.” Continue reading

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Killer clown arrested after getaway car falls to pieces

clown-scary-uk-311857

Remember they’re more scared of you than you are of them. Just trap them using a glass and a piece of cardboard and release them in the garden

A man dressed as a “killer clown” has been arrested by police after a brief chase that ended when his getaway car fell to pieces.

Officers were called to reports of the man terrorising children in Luton and gave chase, initially on foot, before the “clown” climbed into a small car, sounded a novelty horn, and sped away.

“We were going to get back in our car and continue the pursuit but heard a loud bang come from the getaway car.” Continue reading

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Mistrial called in Titchener case after jury members found to be Archers fans

archers2

In happier times, before a ratings boost became necessary

The Judge in the Helen Titchener trial has suspended proceedings after finding that some of the jury had been following the events leading up to the trial by listening to their lives on “Radio 4” and could not be expected to give an unbiased verdict based solely on the evidence presented in court.

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“UKIP asks ‘should we all be racists now?'”

Leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) Nigel Farage poses during a media launch for an EU referendum poster in London, Britain June 16, 2016. REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth

Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it

UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.

In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.

“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”

“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading

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Gove disputes John Barnes’ assertion that he’s voting Remain

Trust me, why would I lie to you?

Michael Gove insists John Barnes will vote Leave tomorrow, despite the former England footballer clearly stating the opposite.

“The country’s had enough of so-called experts” droned the pasty cabbage-patch doll lookalike “John Barnes has set himself up as ‘an expert’ on John Barnes but has he got a hidden agenda? Continue reading

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Public now nostalgic for when the news, social media was all celebrity deaths

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

The dreadful sequence of deaths of much-loved musicians, comedians and actors that saw in the year now looks like a golden age of feel-good news against the nightly horror show the public suffer now, says everyone.

As sad as it was to lose Bowie, Rickman, Wogan and Wood, there was a sense of gladness for having known them and their work which is completely absent from the current onslaught of unadulterated misery.

And as a bewildering bonfire of hatred and rage threatens to engulf their Facebook timelines, people are longing for a return to the simple times when all they had to do was tweet about how sad they are that a singer has died.
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Jenson tells shocked David Coulthard to ‘piss off’ on live TV

jenson-coulthard

Button and Coulthard in happier times

Jenson Button lost his cool on the grid of the Spanish GP today, after being asked the same questions for the 300th time.

“For f*cks sake, David! I’ll drive as fast as I can until the tyres wear out, then I’ll come in for a new set”.

“After that I’ll go back out and do the same thing all over again.”

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Guitar George dies of old age

Coming up for auction - old, left-handed guitar. Proceeds to hospice funds.

Coming up for auction – old, left-handed guitar. Proceeds to hospice funds.

As if the deaths of Bowie, Prince and Frank Sinatra Jnr weren’t enough, now Sultans of Swing rhythm guitarist George has checked out.  He was 100 years old and had a reputation for his comprehensive knowledge of guitar chords, or tabs as they are known today.

Shortly before he died, he asked that he be given a quiet funeral.  “I do not want to make anybody cry or sing,” he said; “it’s strictly rhythm, so if you must clap, please do so in 6/8 time with occasional syncopated emphasis on the offbeat.”

The care home staff were consoled that that he died doing what he loved, with his heart-rate monitor displaying a steady beat right up to the moment of death. Continue reading

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Elton John recording an album of Barbra Streisand covers

Elton-JohnPublicity-shy singer Elton John is to release an album of Barbra Streisand songs, entitled The Streisand Effect, it was revealed today.

Unusually for a major artist’s release, the album will be launched with no advertising whatever, on a date that is being kept a secret, and only sold in a handful of boutique ironmongers.

The album is not actually being released in England, although it will be freely available in Scotland and everywhere else.

“We realise that this low-key approach to publicity might mean that not all fans get to appreciate Elton’s latest offering,” admitted an anonymous spokesperson, “But sometimes big stars prefer to stay out of the limelight.”

“Not that there’s anything to hide. Why would there be anything to hide?”

“In fact, you’re not allowed to say that there’s nothing to hide. Enjoy the album though!”

“Not that there’s an album. We deny that completely.”

“We’re a perfectly happily married couple, and would have no need to release an album.”

“Ooh, what a give away.”

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It’s Back to Basics as Tories launch good old fashioned sex scandal

C Keeler

He said he didn’t know she was a sex worker. Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?

The general public has welcomed news of a Tory sex scandal.

“Tax avoidance isn’t the easiest subject for people to get their heads around,” said villager Pippa Delaney, “but a good old fashioned romp in a gimp mask is something we can all definitely relate to.”

When Culture Minister John Whittingdale discovered he had done some sex work unwittingly with a sex worker, he immediately declared it in his personal ‘Register of My Member’s Interests’, or diary.

“Even though we were having sex,” he explained, “I did not know it at the time.  I thought she was another member of the Culture Committee.  Other times she was a plumber.  It depended which game we were playing.”

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