Ben Stokes found ‘not guilty’. Now the nation gets to have its say

You looking at me, mate?

With the not guilty verdict now in on the Ben Stokes’ trial, the nation has breathed a sigh of relief and got down to what it does best i.e. making decisions on the basis of very little information.

“Now I’m no lawyer” began a man who isn’t a lawyer, in the same tone of voice racists use when starting a sentence with the words ‘Now I’m no racist’ “but there’s something not right about this verdict. I’m no homophobe either,” he continued in the same tone of voice, “but I’ll give you three guesses which couple I think really caused the fracas.”

Alec Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold, had already begun posting his opinions on line but popped into the Squirrel Lickers Arms this afternoon to hone his non-argument.

“I wasn’t outside the nightclub when it all kicked off” he admitted “or in court for the trial but I watched some TV reports. Especially the CCTV stuff, where Stokes twats those two blokes. Brilliant, I’ve made that into a gif. Was it the gay ones he lamped? It’s all a bit confusing but in my book he was guilty.”

Fairchild explained that he once read a book about Freemasons in the judiciary and is ‘as sure as I can be without any evidence’ that the Judge, the lawyers and Ben Stokes are all on the square.

Landlord Eddie has promised a pint for Stokes, the next time he’s passing. “Anyone who can knock a man out with a single blow and still have a Court decide he’s a good boy has earned the freedom of the pub scene.”